Why Women Over 50 Are More Sexually Adventurous Than Ever

What if the best sex of your life starts after 50?

In this episode of Talk Sex with Annette, I’m joined by the sex educator behind Taboo to Truth, Karen Bigman to talk about why women over 50 are becoming more confident, more curious, and more sexually adventurous than ever.

We break down the myths about aging and desire—and explore how self-knowledge, confidence, and freedom from old expectations create a powerful midlife sexual glow-up. From bolder communication to increased curiosity around pleasure and exploration, this conversation reframes sex after 50 as expansion, not decline.

If you’re a woman over 50—or you love one—this episode will change how you think about desire, intimacy, and what’s possible next.

Because your sex life isn’t behind you.
 It’s just getting started. 💋

More about Karen: https://www.taboototruth.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 New Name, Same Unfiltered Sex Talk
• 3:06 Why Sex After 50 Is So Hot
• 4:41 Introducing Karen Bigman
• 5:34 Hormones, Myths, And Desire Shifts
• 11:52 Perimenopause Awareness And Treatment
• 16:13 Libido Spikes And Orgasm Changes
• 20:10 Testosterone’s Role And Access Barriers
• 27:34 Freedom, Experience, And Better Partners
• 33:45 Kink Curiosity And Communication
• 39:45 Toys, Vibrators, And Owning Pleasure
• 47:00 Listening Beats Pounding

Transcript

SPEAKER_03: 1:29

Do the sex.

SPEAKER_01: 1:30

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink, dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you. And if you're new, welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now, let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's Talk Sex with the Net topic is why sex with women over 50 is better than ever. What if I told you the hottest sex of your life doesn't happen at 25 or 35, but after 50? Today we are blowing up the myth that women lose their desire as they age because the truth is way sexier, way deeper, and way more complicated than that. And today we're talking about what really happens to women's libido, climax, and erotic identity after 50. The truth no one warns you about. And helping me do that is someone who lives, breathes, and teaches it every day. Karen Bigman is a certified sex educator through the Sexual Health Alliance, an intimacy and menopause coach and the host of Taboo to Truth, Life and Sex After 50. She's here to help us understand what's changing, what's possible, and how to make sex after 50 the best it's ever been. Welcome, Karen. Before I dive in and hand the mic over to her, however, I want to remind you that I'm over on OnlyFans and there I'm sharing my sex and intimacy how-tos, demos, and audio guided self-pleasure meditations. I'm also offering sort of many coaching opportunities. If you have a one-off question you want answered, head on over there and I'll be answering that for you so you can decide if sex and intimacy coaching is for you. You can find me on OnlyFans by my handle at TalkSex withinet. You can find me on Substack doing a whole lot of the same. My handle over there is at TalkSex withinet. Also, you can scroll down to the show notes and you're going to find links to everywhere you want to find me and join me. I can't wait to see you there. Karen, can you tell my listeners a little bit more about you?

SPEAKER_00: 4:10

Thank you for having me. I am a, as you mentioned, a certified sex educator. And about two and a half years ago, I launched my podcast in an effort to reduce the shame around talking about sex in midlife and postmenopause and beyond. And the conversation around menopause started to get a little louder. I started to get more focused on the sex part because there's a lot of people talking about menopause, but not enough talking about sex.

SPEAKER_01: 4:37

Right. And sex after and during perimenopause is a totally different experience, as you and I both know. But there are a lot of myths around it and a lot of negativity around it. Ideas that women don't have desire, don't want to have sex, and that sex after 50 for women is a no-go. And we are here today to not only stomp on that myth one more time, but to help my listeners of all genders who are having sex with women over 50 really understand what it's like for us and how it actually can be even hotter and more exciting. So by the end of this podcast, you're going to understand a little bit better what sex, intimacy, desire is like for women 50 and over. You're going to find out why it's so hot. In fact, it's so hot that younger men are actually pursuing more women 40 and beyond. And you're going to understand why. And on top of that, you're going to know how to engage in some of the hottest sex you've ever had with women like us. So I'm excited to get into this, but uh let's do it. Let's talk about sex with women over 50 and why it's so fucking hot. Cheers. Cheers. So let's start with why do so many people assume that once a woman hits her mid-40s, sex automatically drops off, and interest in sex automatically drops off or becomes less than satisfactory?

SPEAKER_00: 6:16

I think there's a couple of reasons. I think the the first thing that sort of society tells us is that we are women are here to procreate. And once we've lost that ability, we are no longer useful to society. From a from a physical point of view, and the the whole idea that we're not sexual, a couple of things are happening. One is our bodies are changing hormonally. So as our ovaries start to dry up and we have fewer and fewer eggs and we're producing fewer and fewer hormones, we lose our estrogen, our progesterone, and our testosterone, which help with libido and lubrication and many of the things that make sex enjoyable for us. So physically, our bodies are changing, and sex has to change for it to be more enjoyable for us. So if we're not having enjoyable sex, we may not want it. And there goes the we don't want it, and therefore we're not sexual and we don't need it. I also think because it changes, a lot of women, having been told the story that they're no longer sexual, accept it and don't try to make their sex lives better or different so that they can continue to enjoy it.

SPEAKER_01: 7:24

Right. And then that's the story our partners are hearing. And it's what they're seeing, right? But there is so much that we can now do to counteract at least the physical changes, right? Hormone replacement therapy. With all of that said, what is the truth about women and their sexual desire if they pull themselves out of this sort of societal conditioning that we have been subjected to since the day we were born?

SPEAKER_00: 7:59

Well, I the thing that actually I love to see these days is that younger women are much more aware of the changes of menopause, which start are called perimenopause, that can start younger and younger. So being aware of the fact that our bodies do change and that menopause technically can start 10 years prior to you actually to actually going through menopause, which is defined by 12 months without a period. So say the average age in the United States, I believe it's 51 or 52. So as in your early 40s, and for some women these days, it's even getting younger, in their late 30s, they're starting to be symptomatic. So when you're aware that these symptoms are not anything wrong with you, but due to the natural changes of your body and your hormones, that's the first thing because it means all of a sudden I'm feeling whether it's sleeplessness or dryness or anxiety or things that don't make sense in any other context, I can start to now say, oh, this is menopausal changes. And now there's something I can do about it. In my generation, I'm a baby boomer. It was the beginning of the end of hormone therapy being even offered to us. So there was always something wrong with you that you had to fix with some other methodology. So it made sense in a way for us to say, well, of course, I'm just not even going to try this. It's too much work. So recognizing the problem is is the first part. And then the second thing is to start to diagnose what is really going on. If you were a sexual person and you enjoyed sex in the past, then there's no reason that you can't enjoy it in the future. There are, whether it's medications, therapy, mindset, whatever it is, that you can do, it's that you have to figure out what is actually going on and what is wrong. We know that women over 50 now, the research is showing that we're having the best sex of our lives. So knowing that you can be having the best sex of your life should hopefully motivate you to want to figure out how to get there because it is doable.

SPEAKER_01: 10:54

I want to stop for a minute because my changes did start in my mid-40s. But something I noticed leading up to my mid-40s and then all the way through now, is I actually have spikes in my libido. My libido was at my highest through some of early perimenopause. I was so fucking uncomfortably horny all the time. I'm gonna assume some of that was due to my fluctuating hormones. I still have an incredibly high drive, but I did once the hot flashes started, the brain fog started to seek out hormone replacement therapy. So I have never had the drop in the libido, barring times when my hormones were just way out of whack and I was generally miserable. Right. Can spikes in libido be a sign of perimenopause? Can some women going through perimenopause and menopause experience that increase? Or an am I an anomaly?

SPEAKER_00: 12:03

The answer is I don't know, but it makes perfect sense. I mean, I'm not a licensed medical provider, but I would assume that if your estrogen and progesterone are doing this, that your testosterone is as well. Ultimately bring me into this work was that I was not having trouble with libido, I was having trouble with orgasm, which is also related to testosterone. But I couldn't orgasm the opposite of you. And that's when I started to learn all about it. So it's absolutely possible. I mean, you know, there's this people are always saying, I need to get my hormones checked, and or doctors are saying to women before they'll prescribe them, you need to get your hormones checked. The truth of the matter is they can check your hormones in the morning and they can be completely different than what they're going to be in the evening, and they can be completely different than what they're going to be tomorrow. And then if you're symptomatic in whatever way it is that does not feel normal to you, whatever normal to you is, then you are definitely a candidate for seeking treatment. And I think that's that's the most important thing is whatever, if if it was bothersome to you that you were horny all the time and wanted and you know, very sexual and your libido is crazy, then you might want to may have wanted to seek treatment. If it was like the greatest thing in the world and you couldn't wait and you had met multiple partners or yourself, whoever to have sex with, then there's nothing that there's nothing saying that you had to have them regulated.

SPEAKER_01: 13:23

Yeah, I like my libido. No one's taking that away from me. I do a lot of work to keep it stoked. It's interesting that you brought up testosterone, though. I think that most people, when they think about hormone replacement therapy for women, we look at estrogen. And only now we're finding out more about the role of testosterone. So I also have struggled with difficulty with orgasm throughout my life and certainly, you know, throughout my 40s and and into my 50s, I've done a lot of work to become more orgasmic, but I didn't know that testosterone is linked to anorgasmia or or difficulty orgasming. Now, did you take testosterone to help with your issue? What's your experience with adding testosterone?

SPEAKER_00: 14:16

So I was on hormone replacement. I'm 62 now. I probably started in my late 40s when I started having a lot of hot flashes. Incidentally, having done this work, I now learned that some of the symptoms I had prior to that, like heart palpitations, were also related to menopause. I had a full heart workup, never found anything wrong with me. So there's a lot of things we know in terms of estrogen receptors all over the body now. So that's just a note for listeners to be aware that it's not only hot flashes and low libido that are your symptoms. So I had been on regular hormone therapy, and it was when I got separated from my now ex-husband and I started dating again that I started suffering from anorgasmia. And I kind of thought the universe was punishing me for finally getting sex again, and then I couldn't have an orgasm. So I ended up in a sexual medicine practice, and that's where I learned about testosterone at the time. And they put me on it then. And it's probably been about 10 years now, and I I'm I've been on it in various forms over the years. And I can, I can feel the difference when I when I do a topical gel. I can tell the difference from from the time I put it on to a few hours later. It might get like a little hornier. It definitely makes a difference. And there's also now evidence that it helps with your cognitive abilities and has some preventative effects as well. So there's there's definitely advantages to to testosterone. The the thing that's difficult is that we've gendered hormones. So testosterone is always looked at as a male hormone and estrogen is a female hormone. And the truth is we both, both females and males have both, we are just more estrogen dominant typically, but we do produce in our, I think it's in our 20s, we produce more testosterone than estrogen. It just gets converted to estrogen as opposed to the male body. So we have testosterone in us. The the issue with prescribing it in this country is that it is because of, I guess, the Olympians that we're overdosing on or something like that, they've made it a class three or some kind of drug that's that's very difficult to get. And it's not FDA approved for women. So in order to get a proper dose of testosterone for a woman, you have to go to someone who really knows what they're doing and you have to be monitored really well. Because you can take too much testosterone. I mean, anyone can, but certainly women, you want to be very careful with that. But for me, it's been a game changer.

SPEAKER_01: 16:40

So you said you use a gel, correct? Because I know you can also get it in injections and pellets. There's all sorts of ways to take that. Yeah. And let's be honest, some of this issue with women having access to testosterone is the anti-trans sentiment and some of the laws that are coming into play, which are horrific. And this not only affects the trans community, it affects women's whole health. Let's just be honest, it's a war against women as well. Yeah. So seeking out information on that, and this has actually inspired me. I think I will look into it as well. There are several companies out there that are offering sort of the service of hormone regulation for menopausal women. I will make sure if you listeners sign up for my e-newsletter, that I send out an e-newsletter on this topic that will get you to different companies that can help you find out more about testosterone and hormone regulation. So whether you are a man or a woman or a person of any gender listening to this right now, but if you have a woman in your life you love, you will have information to give them if they are struggling with their hormone regulation. So now knowing all this, what we as women face in our midlife, we now have access to the ability to replenish the hormones that we're losing, which is a game changer for our health and our sex life. But we also know the studies are saying that women at 50 and beyond are having the best sex of their life. I want to focus on that. Why do you think that's true? And what does it look like for women and their partners over 50?

SPEAKER_00: 19:30

There's a couple things going on. Lisa Muscone did some research, brain research on the menopause brain. She took, I guess it's called fMRIs before and over the course of menopause transition. And there's something that they found where the part of our brain that we get the, I don't give a fuck brain, that the part of our brain that pays attention to negativity gets reduced after menopause. So there's there's definitely a bit of an attitude that that sort of empowerment attitude that we have. We've had more life experience. I would argue that the better sex are the people who've left long-term relationships. That I don't know how many, I don't know what the statistics are on better sex and long-term relationships later on. I'm sure it exists. I don't, I don't know it. I see mostly the single population. But I think we've we've had the experience. We know what we don't want. We have the communication skills or at least the wherewithal to say, because I don't give a fuck, I'm gonna tell you what I want. I'm gonna tell you what I need. And I'm not gonna sit here and be passive about it because it's my time, it's my life, and I want to have fun with it and I want to enjoy it. So I think that has a lot to do with it too. That we have the experience, we have the voice. And I think we're choosing, you know, better sex with better partners. And we have more variety. We're introducing whether it's same-sex partners or our lifestyles that are kinky or or open, all these things that we just were so repressed in our early life that we would never have dared.

SPEAKER_01: 20:56

Right. We feel more free to do the things that we wouldn't do before because we were afraid of being viewed in a certain way, right? I think there's also the aspect of we are no longer expected to have children, right? We're no longer worrying about our periods or getting pregnant, which allows us to be freer with sex. I love the fact that I don't have a period anymore. I don't have the time out when I'm gonna have sex or the kind of sex I'm gonna have, because it might be limited by, you know, if I have a partner who struggles with blood during sex and having a period. That's wonderful. The stats do show that we tend to get kinkier as we get older. Is that correct? And more exploratory.

SPEAKER_00: 21:46

I'm personally I'm more exposed to that kind of lifestyle. I have I'm still in the exploring stage. So I have not. But it's interesting that you say that statistically you you've heard that because I I didn't know if it was just the community that I have now become a part of as a sex educator. But I've definitely known a few people who have come out as bi, people who've started to swing later in their life, or in and that this might also be in a long-term relationship, and to explore discussing sex parties and and being more kinky amongst my peers is much more accepted than it used to. How old are you? 62.

SPEAKER_01: 22:27

You're 62, I'm 51. There's a 10-ish year gap. Do you feel even within that amount of difference, there has been a difference in how we look at or have become comfortable with sex? Because I know for my cohort, I'm also in Portland, I'm in a little bit of a bubble. But for women my age, it seems like the concept of being more experimental and kinky is pretty widespread. It's not something we're like still as quiet about. Do you feel like for you though, at 50, that was different, that a lot has changed even in those 10 years?

SPEAKER_00: 23:13

Well, we do have to thank whether you love it or hate it, we do have to thank Fifty Shades of Grey, because that brought Kinky into the common vernacular. So I, you know, I that came out probably, what is it? Now, 10, 10 or 15 years ago. I mean, I did not, uh, you know, I I lived most of my life in a pretty stereotypical, you know, two-parent household with with in a community of fairly affluent, you know, people. And if there was anything going on, I think I heard one story once and everybody was completely shocked about this couple that tried to swing with another couple. Like I like I it was not something I ever heard about. So I don't know if people are talking about what has actually always been going on, or they're exploring more because one, because it's socially acceptable, and two, because there's more opportunity. I don't know the answer to that. But I had a funny incident. I was, I was about supposed to go on a date with this guy who lived uh a bit north of me. He was going to fly down to visit me. And because of the work I do, there's an assumption that I'm I'm definitely going to be kinky and and much more alternative. And I'm I'm I'm fairly vanilla. I mean, I might look pink, but uh, but I'm a pretty vanilla person. That's I've been in monog mostly monogamous relationships. And before I said, before you come, I just want to make sure that you know, this was probably a year and a half ago. So I had only been doing this work for for a bit. You know, I'm I'm not kinky and I'm I'm fairly vanilla. I'm certainly interested in in learning, but I have traditionally been in a pretty straight kind of situation. And he goes, You mean you've never been on a St. James Cross? And I said, What's a St. James Cross? I did not know what that was. So that was the beginning of me doing more research on what different people do as at kinky practices. But there's it was it wasn't shocking for him to ask me. And I didn't know if it was because of what I did or because it's just something we talk about now as in general.

SPEAKER_01: 25:00

Well, so this is interesting. You are more vanilla. That's what your preference is, at least at this point. I am definitely not. But I think when we talk about both of us having the best sex we have had in our life at this point in our life post-50, for me, I have felt freer than ever to experiment and explore what I like and to get kinky and to do things that I would have never thought about. Like I've been in threesomes, I've been in, you know, group sex sex situations, I've I've tried all kinds of activities that fall under the BDSM umbrella. And when I was younger, I would fantasize about, but feel like, oh, I could, I could never do that. Or I'd have to find a secret way to do it because it felt like if anyone found out it could ruin my life. I don't know what I thought would happen. Right. But now I'm able to really ask for what I want to try and a relationship. I'm able to say, hey, I've got this list of stuff like that I want to try, or I still haven't done this. And I'm able to have those conversations without fear. For you, being a vanilla person, and I think this is also an aspect for me, it's having the I don't give a fuck feeling. And you can say what you like and what you don't like. So if you're in the middle of sex and he starts pounding away at you and you're like, all right, this is too soon, you can be like, hey, dude, slow down, right? I need you to like back out, maybe go down for a little bit.

SPEAKER_00: 26:42

What started for me, this journey for me, in terms of being more communicative, and I think that's really what this comes down to, whatever practice you choose, whether it's kink or or vanilla in a different position. I st I started out when I was single again after I was married for 25 years, and then I got divorced and or separated rather at 52, so 10 years ago or something like that. And I had since gone on hormone therapy. So I have an estrogen patch, which is like a little sticky band aid that goes on above my vulva. And I one of the things I learned when I first went to the doctor, the sexual medicine practice was about vibrators. I had never had a vibrator in my life. And I they literally, I love to tell the story because they literally, my first meeting gave me a little bullet, sent me in the other room and said, go try this. And I was like, wow, that just changed my life. So it's like, this is amazing. So I vibrators became part of the tools or toys, whatever you want to call them, in the bedroom for me. And I had to be able to tell my new partners. I'm like, by the way, as you get down there, there's gonna be like a little sticky thing. And I was so embarrassed and horrified. And also to have to be able to say, like, I need a vibrator. And the more I was able to say it, the easier it became because guys were like, oh, oh, okay. They just want to have sex. Like they didn't even care. So that really helped. And it and it's like back to the communication. It's like being able to say those things without fear, to the point that I I was with someone a couple of months ago who said, like, what is this? That like, because I'd forgotten to mention the sticker on my stomach and he'd never seen it before. So I've so the more the old, the older you are, or if if that's what it is, or the this whole I don't give a fuck. It's also the confidence to be able to say, like, I don't want to have shitty sex. I don't want to be pounded, as you said. I don't want, like, you know, I had a guy I had to stop him. I I talked about this on one of my episodes because he was, he just like shoved his finger on me and I was like, whoa, like, why are you doing this? Is it for you or is this for me? Because this is just like I literally stopped everything. And so, like, we just gotta stop right now. Like, I am not, I would never have had the nerve to do that when I was younger. I I would have just endured. How did he respond? He stopped, but like it definitely affected. I mean, I didn't see him much after that. So I think I hit his ego. You know, he was so convinced that he was gonna be like all these guys, they're gonna be the ones that get me to orgasm without a without a vibrator. They're convinced. That's right.

SPEAKER_01: 29:07

Right, which is it's so unfortunate because what makes us enjoy sex and why it's the best sex ever for us is that we insist on finding partners who understand toys add to the experience, right? I mean, I feel like regardless of stage of life, or regardless of your wetness or your estrogen level, if we had had toys back when we were in our 20s and 30s, we would have been having better sex. That's the reality. Yep. Now we're just insisting on them. I mean, because I remember my 20s and 30s, I always had to like self-stimulate while being penetrated, just in order to even enjoy it, much less hope for an orgasm. But I didn't have the knowledge or the tools or the toys to use those to stimulate my external clitoris while I was being penetrated, which is so much more enjoyable because then I'm putting less effort and I can just concentrate on being in my body, right? You put a little bullet vibrator on your clit while you're being penetrated, then you can just be in the moment. But if you're having to use your hand to flick the bean, if you will, then you're kind of taken out of the experience because you're you're trying so hard. And now in our later life, it's like, dude, if you're gonna have a problem with a toy during sex, it's clear to me you don't know how to have good sex, right? Because good sex is play and it takes time and it's a place we want to be. And adding toys just adds to the experience, right?

SPEAKER_00: 30:46

Right. And it's not a, you know, anything negative about your ability to please me. It's just something that we're playing with. Like it's just part of how we play. And by the way, you know, I always think of there, there used to be, I don't know if if you knew this, there was a commercial for the soap Irish Spring, but I like it too. But he likes it too. You know, like yeah, using the vibrator on his testicles or on his anus or whatever the prostate. Like guys like it. They like the vibration. It feels good for them.

SPEAKER_01: 31:13

Right, right. Toys are also for me. And so that's another thing that they should get out of this is the toys are also for you, right? But more importantly, our orgasm is not about your ego. I'm not orgasming to make you feel good. Orgasming is to make me feel good. And the minute you make it about your ego and making you feel like the man is the minute I'm not gonna orgasm or enjoy it as much. Just like when, you know, a guy has an orgasm, it's not like I'm like, oh, I'm the woman. I'm just like, oh, pleasure. You know what I mean? So that that I and I do think this brings me to, I want to talk for a moment about there is a phenomenon that is younger men are pursuing older women.

SPEAKER_00: 32:06

Can you let me know where those younger men are?

SPEAKER_02: 32:10

Well, if you are on the dating apps, you might need to drop your age range. I don't know what age range you're looking in right now. I I I haven't gone there, but maybe I I should right now. 35, 35, 34.

SPEAKER_00: 32:25

I have a son who's 34. I couldn't, I couldn't, but I I hear you.

SPEAKER_01: 32:29

Okay, okay, okay. Oh, then your cohort is in the mid-40s. I can't, I don't have a lot to say for the mid-40s right now. No, but there is there is a phenomenon where younger men are pursuing older women. And a lot of the reasons that they give are reasons we're kind of covering is that women in their 40s know what they want, they're willing to ask for it, they're really bold with it, you know, they're more experimental, and there's just less lack of clarity around intimacy and and what and why we're doing it and what we want to get out of it. And there's value in that to younger men, right? Now, I'm not saying women go out and pursue all the young men, right? But I'm just saying that a different generation is seeing the value in what older women bring to the table as intimate partners. And by sharing that with listeners who may be cis men, who may be over the age of 40 and still in the mindset of thinking that women who are 50 and over are sexless and a dried up old, you know, women who they don't want to pursue. Perhaps talk to the younger men in your life who don't have that mindset as much. It's a mindset. See us for the value we actually still bring to the table, right?

SPEAKER_00: 34:06

And I also think it has to do with listening because I have had partners who I give clear instructions, but they still go back to what they know. Every woman is different, every vulva is different, every mouth is different. We like things differently. Ask us. Like to me, if you uh get one thing out of this podcast episode, it is that if you ask your partner what they want, you are gonna have the much better sex than if you just go in with the with the goal-focused, you know, penis penetrate penis and vagina penetration and male ejaculation. Like you might, it might last two minutes that way versus hours of exploring each other because then she's gonna ask you. And and the whole thing is just gonna be a beautiful, wonderful experience as opposed to just fucking right.

SPEAKER_01: 34:54

It's so true though. So for my SysMel listeners who are listening right now, if you want a little tip on how to have better sex with us, listen to us and then hold that information. I mean, my last boyfriend, I've talked about this a lot. We explored BDSM together. Or at the time, I would say I was really into wanting to explore spanking. And the first little while that we explored, he'd go from zero to 100 spanking me. Like it just straight to pain, no buildup. And so it wasn't hot, it was jarring, and it would turn me off. And I asked again and again, can you warm up to it? And maybe once or twice he would, and then he'd go right back, and then I'd get frustrated and angry, right? It really just ruined that whole thing. But also, in post that relationship, I've had a male lover who knew from the get-go, hey, you don't just penetrate me. We don't just put the dick in, we warm up, blah, blah, blah. And man, the very last time I was with this guy, he walked in and he just tried to put it right in. That is my last memory of it. And I was like, what is this? You know, what is this? And I think it's can be very frustrating, especially to women in their 50s and above. Well, it's it's frustrating to all women, but I think we just don't put up with it. And I want to encourage younger women to not put up with it, right? If you tell a guy to do something differently for your pleasure and he keeps going back, it's like time to be like, you don't get to be inside this body or play with this body anymore until you listen to me. That me or that doesn't feel good. Oftentimes it's painful. Oftentimes that's what really stops us. When you try to penetrate me before I'm warmed up, it's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00: 36:54

And I think guys, I mean, in fairness to them, what they're seeing in the movies and on TV is like, you know, we jump into bed and we fuck in two seconds and everybody's has some simultaneous orgasm. So they don't necessarily understand that what is it, like 20 to 30 women minutes for a woman to get aroused on average. And as we get older, it gets harder because we're we're having issues related gen, what do they call it, genito-urinary syndromenopros, where we're drier, where we're more sensitive, where we're having maybe having issues with our clitoris or clitor, you know, clitoral adhesions. There's all sorts of things that can be going on in the vulva that we need the time. And and you can don't need to touch us necessarily on the vulva to turn us on. Like there are a lot of things you can do before you that can get us aroused that have nothing to do with the vulva.

SPEAKER_01: 37:41

Right, right. Well, it's also what makes it the hottest sex, this, the hottest time of our life to have sex, is that there's so much opportunity to explore that you've probably missed because you were conditioned to think that sex was this jump on top, hump away for two minutes and come. And frankly, that's not hot sex. Why would two-minute, four-minute, five-minute, or even 15-minute sex be hot? To me, hot sexes getting to explore each other and make out and touch and feel desired and like touch in different ways and different places and different positions and oral sex and verbal sex, you know? Let's have sex talk with each other and then post-orgasm, like intimacy. It's that's good sex, right? Sex that you don't want it to end, and certainly not in two to three minutes, right?

SPEAKER_00: 38:36

Yeah. And I think that should also help take the pressure off for some of the older men in the audience because they're suffering with their own issues like erectile dysfunction and various other things. And so understanding that this narrative that you know that you think we want, that's not necessarily the narrative we want either. And everybody benefits by expanding. You know, we talked about this together the other day by expanding what sex really is and how we how we have it.

SPEAKER_01: 39:04

I love that you point out that the narrative we've been given about what makes good intimacy it doesn't serve any of us. It puts pressure on the male to perform in ways that women don't even want them to perform. Like, I'm sorry, but I have yet to have my girlfriend say, Yeah, what I want is a guy who can really just pound at me for a half hour. Nobody, nobody has ever said that's what they want. Not once have I had a girlfriend say to me, Oh, I just like it, when he goes in and he just pounds really, really, really fast and hard for a long time. Nobody. And yet guys have this ingrained into their mind that that's what we want. That in a bunch of different positions. And that narrative is false. And if you can let go of it, then the stress goes down for you, which likely might help some of the erectile dysfunction and and sort of, you know, the problems that show up for men. What we want is to be playful and to be touched in different ways, sometimes soft and slow, sometimes harder and faster, but then soft and slow again, sometimes not on our vulva. Sometimes we want to have oral sex, sometimes we want to touch you. We just want you to lay there and we want to play. There are a lot of options out there that are better than what you're trying to do to us. And if you allow yourself to join us in that discovery, it's gonna be the hottest sex of your life. Ever, right?

SPEAKER_02: 40:41

Yep, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 40:45

So listen to us. Drop pounding, please.

SPEAKER_00: 40:51

I have to say, there the pounding can come into play in the course of some good sex. But starting there, I mean, I I would imagine some kinky people might enjoy that, but no, no. On the average, the woman does not. But you mean so much lube to start there. Oh, yeah, that's the other conversation that we didn't even have. That I mean, the idea of lube and moisturizers and oils and all that stuff that people either feel like it must be something wrong with me if I need them. Or I I know when we were talking about on my podcast, you were saying about how when you were with your partner, you like to clean up all the lube all over their body. And I'm just like, lube and vibrators, like we should, those should go together. Like you need women need lube in general, but certainly when they're when they're peri- and postmenopausal, lube is just it's just never put anything inside without lube.

SPEAKER_01: 41:41

Yeah, so lube definitely is something that women 50 and over aren't going to do without your spit, also. No, no spit. Spit does not do it. If you spit on my clit, you're gone. Gone, buddy. Oh, I've had that happen to me. And I have said many times. Oh spit on my clit and you're gone.

SPEAKER_00: 42:05

Don't spit on my clit.

SPEAKER_01: 42:07

Oh my god. T-shirt, guys. It's a t-shirt that's coming out. It's a t-shirt that's coming out. Don't spit on my clit. Lube, a lot of lube, and it's it's sexy. And it and that is something you should do for a woman at any age. I'm not claiming it for women over 50. I think we won't put up with it if you don't have it. But that's something that women at any age really need. And yeah, so I was on Karen's podcast. I will be on her podcast. You're gonna want to go for it and check out that conversation. We talked about how to make sex great for her in the bedroom. So you definitely want to go better check that out. But Lube was one of them. And I think this is a great place to bring into this conversation. The idea that women lose value as sexual partners and intimate partners with age does tend to be a very heteronormative mindset. I know that because I'm pansexual, bisexual, I sleep with and have relationships. I have intimate relationships with people of all genders, and I have a very robust, bust queer community. And in sapphic or lesbian or queer femme community. Communities. Older women aren't seen as asexual. They are seen as desirable because in that community, things like wisdom, experience, all of all of the things that we gain as we age are valued, right? In those communities, we tend to not want to adhere to patriarchal standard. And so women of my age are pursued by women of all ages and not seen as lacking value as a sexual partner. Also, we do things like use a lot of lube, right? Lube is part of women having sex with women all of the time. Toys are always part of women having sex with women. We don't have to use toys, but we oftentimes do. It's not like a seen as a negative thing. And that's why the stats on the orgasm gap show that women in lesbian relationships have more orgasms and more pleasure than women in heterosexual relationships. Right. So that's useful to men who want to have a great sex life with older women. Glube, toys.

SPEAKER_00: 44:41

And communication. When I started doing this work, I learned about how non-heterosexual couples and kinky people have, and kinky, it's not always involving sex, but have a play together. And there's always a conversation in advance about what's okay, what's not okay, how you want to do it. My my friend just sent me, he's about to engage in a relationship with someone where he controls her life. I forget the name of it. It's kind of like it's a dom sub situation, but he literally like controls her from morning. She wants to be controlled. And he sent me this like huge contract to show me what they're negotiating. Now that's a bit extreme for just your everyday couple. But we, as heterosexual monogamous people, we should take a lesson from the queer and kinky community or the queer kinky community and have these conversations in advance. We need to, that is that is what makes for good sex, is knowing what you like, what I like, and how what we like together, and not making me uncomfortable by trying something that you like that I don't like, and vice versa, or exploring something new because I'd never heard about it before and you something you want to try. Like all these things can can make for such better relationships, not just better sex.

SPEAKER_02: 45:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 45:53

So we've talked about why sex and intimacy with women over 50 can be the best of your lifetime. A, she's ready to tell you exactly what she wants. B, she's ready to explore the things she wants to without shame. She's not worrying about her period. She's not worrying about getting pregnant. We've also talked about some of the things that need to happen, right? To make it good sex. But I want you to right now give my listeners a little go bag of if they want to have incredible intimacy and sex with a woman over 50, what are some things that men, cis men in particular, can do to make sure that that sex that they have with her is incredible? So that she invites them back. And so that she wants to continue to engage in intimacy with them and desires them. Because I do hear from a lot of men that they want to feel desired. The way that you end up feeling desired by your partner is by giving them incredible intimate experiences by engaging in intimacy and sex with them that is so pleasureful. The payoff is worth the work that is put into it. So can you give them some tips? Like, here is how you're gonna make this experience super hot for her and you.

SPEAKER_00: 47:56

That empathy goes a really long way. And we may never understand where you're coming from, you may never understand where we're coming from. But if you can ask us the right questions without, without accusing us of never wanting sex, then you stand a much better chance of developing a really great sexual relationship. And then I think, you know, exactly what you were saying, Annette, bring, you know, bringing in toys and tools to not always do the same thing over and over and over.

SPEAKER_01: 48:26

Right. So there you go, guys. Some great tips. You're gonna take these fantastic women who are ready to have the best sex of their life. You're gonna implement some of these simple tips, and both of you are gonna have a fantastic time. Thank you so much for taking time today to help explain to my listeners what is going on with women 50 and older, why they are having incredible sex now and what they're insisting on during sex, and then how to engage in that kind of exploratory, exciting sex with them. Can you tell my listeners where they can find you?

SPEAKER_00: 49:06

Yes, my podcast is Taboo to Truth Life and Sex After 50. I'm available on all the podcasts, the listening platforms on YouTube. I have all the social media at Taboo to Truth, and I have a website and there's a couple of down free downloads on the website. I'm working on that. I have a Substack, you name it. I'm out there. And I'm actually going to be also teaching in a Sexual Health Alliance course in January. So that'll be another fun thing about actually more about podcasting and education, but that that's upcoming as well.

SPEAKER_01: 49:37

Fantastic. Thank you so much for joining me today. And listeners, listen, it's time to drop the old stories we've been told. We're telling ourselves and we're telling other people about when the best sex and intimacy of our life happens. It can be part of our whole lives, right? Karen, thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it. And to my listeners, until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers. Cheers.