Exhibitionism: How to Explore the Kink of Being Watched—Without Making It Weird

In this episode, we’re breaking down exhibitionism — why being watched can feel exciting, how to tell if it’s your kink, and simple ways to explore it without making things awkward.

I’m joined by Laura Desiree, creative director of Sanctum and a powerful voice in performance and desire. We cover:

✨ What exhibitionism really is
 ✨ Why being seen can amplify pleasure
 ✨ Signs it might be your kink
 ✨ How to try it safely (solo or partnered)
 ✨ Tips for beginners, from mirror work to first-time events

If you’ve ever been curious about being watched—or just want to understand the psychology behind it—this is your Exhibitionism 101.

🌐 Find Laura: https://thelauradesiree.com/
Sanctum: https://snctm.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 New Name, Same Unfiltered Space
• 3:05 Today’s Focus: Exhibitionism 101
• 4:43 Meet Laura: Performer And Educator
• 7:09 Defining Exhibitionism Beyond Stereotypes
• 10:29 Signs You Might Be An Exhibitionist
• 13:28 Bedroom Visibility: Lights, Lingerie, Presence
• 17:18 Confidence, Body Image, And Burlesque Roots
• 22:33 Exhibitionism As Self-Love And Power
• 25:23 Starter Practices: Mirrors And Camera
• 29:33 Silent Witnessing With A Partner
• 32:43 Handling Self-Critique And Care
• 35:48 Sex Tapes, Consent, And Risk Management
• 39:43 Entering Play Parties As A Voyeur
• 44:34 Choosing Venues And Community Fit
• 48:39 The Range: From Seen To Seen In Play
• 52:44 Public Play Ethics And Legal Lines

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 1:29

Do the sex.

SPEAKER_00: 1:30

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink, dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you. And if you're new, welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now, let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's Talk Sex with Annette topic is inside exhibitionism. Why being watched turns you on. What if the hottest part of sex wasn't what you were doing, but the fact that someone was watching? Maybe it's the thrill of being seen, maybe it's the power of putting yourself on display, or maybe deep down, it's about being witnessed in your most honest, unfiltered state. Today we are talking about exhibitionism, the kink that blurs the line between desire, performance, and power. And my guest is Laura Deseray, the new creative director of Sanctum, the world's most exclusive erotic club, and a true force in the world of intimacy, performance, and sexual empowerment. She spent seven years as the producer and lead anchor of Naked News and went on to create and produce the Red Umbrella Talk, a series unpacking the realities of sex work. Laura is also an adult industry expert certified intimacy coordinator, pleasure educator, and activist. She now leads Eros Unbound, a conventional erotic reading event that celebrates vulnerability, performance, and desire that sounds amazing. With experience spanning education, advocacy, and performance, Laura has become one of the most articulate voices on what it really means to be seen. And we are unpacking the exhibitionism kink. Why it's misunderstood, how to explore it safely, and why sometimes the act of being watched is the most intimate thing you can do. But before we dive in, I want to remind you I'm over on OnlyFans and there. I'm sharing my sex and intimacy how-tos and demos, an audio-guided self-pleasure meditations. I'm also offering sort of an intro to sex and intimacy coaching. You can ask me your one-off questions there. I'm also on Substack doing a whole lot of the same, minus the coaching and of course the demos. And you can find me in both places by my handle at TalkSex withinet. Of course, you can scroll down to the notes section in this episode. And you're going to find links to everywhere you want to find me. I can't wait to see you there. But for now, I would love to hand the mic over. Laura, can you tell my listeners some more about you?

SPEAKER_02: 4:53

Thank you so much for having me on this show. I'm in awe of you and this subject. It's not just something that I would call myself an expert of. It's something that I call myself the ultimate exhibitionist. So my years of experience in both performance and curating experiences, I have really explored this, this kink, this identity for myself. So I'm really excited to chat today.

SPEAKER_00: 5:22

I can't wait to hear what you say about it. It's come up off and on in my own intimate life. And I'm hoping our conversation is actually going to give me opportunity to understand it better for myself and figure out if it is something I'm into. So, guys, you're going to want to stay to the end because, like me, you are going to have an opportunity to learn more about this kink. Figure out if it's something that you might be into, or if you've had an inkling this is something you're into, by the end of this episode, you're going to have a go bag of tips, tricks for how to really initiate it in your own intimate life, or how to talk to a partner about it. So I am ready to dive in. How about you, Laura?

SPEAKER_02: 6:06

I'm so ready.

SPEAKER_00: 6:08

Cheers. Let's talk about exhibitionism. Cheers. All right. I am gonna dive in with the opposite. This is I'm gonna dive in with uh the obvious because this is a 101. We're starting with a basic. So what is exhibitionism?

SPEAKER_02: 6:28

Exhibitionism. It's the sexual gratification found in being watched, being observed, ideally, when we are in a sensual domain or when we're in a celebratory state of ourselves. It's tied to worship. It is tied to performance, but it really is that supreme joy and that arousal in having someone watch us when we are in an intimate moment with ourselves or others.

SPEAKER_00: 6:59

So a lot of listeners, when they hear exhibitionism, might just think of the creepy guy flashing people, right? Because that was the first thing that came to mind for me. But could you help explain what all this can encompass outside of that?

SPEAKER_02: 7:18

It's so unfortunate that as a society, we've, of course, attached this negative connotation, this like ick and creep factor to exhibitionism. It really is an experience of confidence and displaying confidence because a lot of the times we actually fear or have a bit of a nervous anxiety around being watched, being observed, being surveilled in a way, with this idea that we're being seen, perhaps in moments that we're not composed or not entirely ready to be watched. But there's a group of us that have this extreme joy and thrill in being watched. So when it comes to the sexual arena, exhibitionism is quite literally wanting to share aspects of yourself, the physicality of yourself, the pleasure that you experience for others to watch. So, you know, it could be you or you and your partner attending a play party and having a bunch of people as spectators watching you go at the pursuit of pleasure. You might also be a content creator, and maybe you like to make content that's then sold or made available to your viewing audience. And then you've got both the subscribers you're in touch with and the anonymous appeal of being viewed en masse by people. But exhibitionism could even just be I want you to look at the outfit I chose to put on today. And maybe that means I'll frame myself in the doorway just a little bit longer before I move through it to enter the room. Maybe I'll find that light in the room and give you a look. It comes with a body posture, an invitation to be seen. You know, when people hold their shoulders back and stand at their ultimate height, they want you to see them. And so you get a lot of these little signals as to who might be somewhere on the scale of exhibitionism, be it a light exhibitionist that maybe has a knack for style and wants you to take it in, but it could go as far as yes, that person that wants to be center stage at the play party with a whole crew of people around watching, adoring, just observing them in that splendor of pleasure.

SPEAKER_00: 9:27

This brings me to what are some signs one might be an exhibitionist? Because I have been asked. I create content, obviously. I enjoy with a partner taking photos. I enjoy sharing photos. But when asked if I'm into exhibitionism, I'm like, I don't think so. But I guess I don't really know. Perhaps you can walk me through what some signs would be.

SPEAKER_02: 9:58

Some signs would certainly be, like I said, first and foremost, the stature and body language, the posture that comes when you're in the space with another person who may or may not be an exhibitionist, someone that stands with that tall confidence. They're saying to you, I like how I look and I want you to see it. So that's usually a great indicator. Sometimes an exhibitionist also just has this streak of confidence that's going to say to you, there'll be cues like, Don't you like this, what I'm wearing? Have a look at this. They'll use a lot of cues that actually draw your eyes to the places. And they're also people that would be the first ones on a dance floor. They are people that would very likely want to show you the elements that are a little bit more concealed on their outfit. Maybe they want to share with you a little bit. You'll see them lift a pant leg to show an anklet or a piece of jewelry. So folks that are very willing to say, have eyes on me, are likely somewhere on that scale of exhibitionists. That is the essence of it at its boiled-down core, is that we want to be looked at. So if they're the first ones on a dance floor, there's a good chance that they are an exhibitionist.

SPEAKER_00: 11:05

But how does it show up in activities in the sex space, in the intimate space?

SPEAKER_02: 11:15

This is a really, it's a big indicator, is one of the most classic aspects of how we set the stage for sexuality and for sexual play. Do we want the lights out completely? Or are we okay to be visible to each other? There are a lot of folks that want to close their eyes, have all the lights shut off, and that's how they feel safe exploring their pleasure and their sexual selves. And if that's something that works for them, I applaud it. There's nothing wrong with that. But you'll see folks that want the lights turned on, or at least to a degree where they're saying, hey, look at me, people that want to wear very attention-grabbing bedroom couture, lingerie, or different robes, kimonos, lace gear, leather gear, fetish gear. People that own these items and want to incorporate them into their intimate play, they want to be seen. They want it to be looked at, they want to draw attention to how they're presenting themselves. So I would say a big part of it really is remaining visible. A lot of people like that act of seduction that includes something like a strip tease or some element of observe me from a distance and worship it. And that is the exhibitionist that enjoys that the most. I want someone to bloom all of that saliva and foam. I want them to be drooling. And it's the way I've lived my life, my entire life, from burlesque to where I am now. I've grown such a passion and comfort in owning this part of my identity. And it really is a source of just endless confidence in every other aspect of my life. I would challenge people to maybe try it on for size and see what it feels like to play that part of the exhibitionist, even in a role play. And I'm sure we'll get to that in some of our tips and some of our ways to incorporate that into your lives.

SPEAKER_00: 14:08

Is it something you nurtured? Because I can acknowledge aspects of this in my life, but I definitely came from I was raised in a religion and a household that was conservative. It took a lot to get over issues with my body and being self-conscious. And of course, the more I've fallen in love with my body and the more that I've shed some of that shame, the more I'm like, definitely need the lights on during sex. I'm not missing out on that show. And so I'm curious with you, especially at the level at which you have embraced this and done this, right? Yeah. Were you always that way?

SPEAKER_02: 14:50

What you're saying is such a universal story. I think a lot of us will find our own experiences in that wrestling match with feeling good about our bodies. And I am certainly one of those stories. I'm six feet tall, which means I'm hard to ignore. I am not one of those curvy girls. We're living in a very curvy girl era, right? Where we're seeing a lot of emphasis put on what's the size of your ass? What are the size of your tits? What is that ratio between hip and waist, all of that ridiculous pressure that seems to be mounting in society. And I hope coming to an end, quite honestly. I want to see us continue to embrace just how varied bodies are, and that it really should be more about a confidence that we have as opposed to the specific specs of a person. I grew up being bullied as lanky and uncoordinated as I am. I remember growing up being just this big sort of beanstalk of a person and being bullied for it for not having development in places that other young women were having in, say, high school. So I remember a lot of that feeling of, oh no, maybe I'm not worth anything. And I was a dance student for so much of my life. And a lot of our bodies will take. If you're a dancer, a gymnast, you get a good muscle build, you're really lean, you usually have some great flexibility in there. I had to use dance as a way of seeing what my body could do as opposed to what my body was. I turned down having a modeling career. I wasn't interested in pursuing that because very young, when you are a tall person, you are poached by agencies. And I was. And in my late teens, I realized I don't think I want to go down that path because if I didn't like the bullying I had in high school, I'm gonna hate the bullying that continues in making a life out of my body being a product. I had years where I wasn't pursuing anything in adult or anything in entertainment. And I needed those years. I was a Phillips student. I wanted to make movies, and I needed those years of finding my identity and what made me special. And then returning to the celebration of body through burlesque. So in my early 20s, I get into burlesque and I learn about this art form that is so celebratory of attitude, not just measurements, not just how good do your tits look in a push-up bra, but how do you move and what is the story you're telling? And so that, quite honestly, for me, was the origin of this exhibitionism that became a way of life was I felt an energy in those moments on stage. I felt the greatest joy and the reason to live, dare I say. It felt so fabulous to be out there on stage and to use some of my given gifts of movement and try my best at costuming, which was never great. I was horrendous at putting costumes together. But that for me was a great part of my story, a great part of my path that made me fall in love with myself. Because further down the line, of course, I become the anchor of a naked TV show where one really is forced to confront that criticism of their body because I am entering a professional field where you have to look a certain way. And I received so much critique from my producer above me, who quite honestly would send me screenshots of my ass, screenshots of my butt, and say, we have to do something about this. He would send me screenshots of my body and certain outfits because we'd start an episode of Naked News fully dressed, and you remove the clothing as you go. And so it really forced me to grow a thick skin that said, you're missing the point. You're missing the point that I'm in Jamaica interviewing a sex educator about how to approach sexual liberation for adults with autism. Like that to me is the goalmine of the work itself, is that what we put into the program was so exciting that to be discounted as to what just our bodies looked like was ultimately part of my breaking point for leaving the show. But I'm no stranger to it. And I think a lot of women have that experience in their life on very different scales, whether it's a restaurant job that you couldn't get because you didn't want to wear the uniform they wanted you to wear. So it's an age-old thing, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00: 19:19

Yeah. So just in this conversation so far, what has surprised me is the definition of exhibitionism and how it looks even as far as we've gotten into the bedroom, ways in which you can start exploring yourself to figure out if this is something you can play with in your intimate life. And before we dive into the bedroom, what I want to ask you is this from the conversation we're having, it sounds like to me that even exploring expositionism and how you hold your body, how you look at your body, it can also be used as a tool for empowerment, self-acceptance, and self-love. Is that correct?

SPEAKER_02: 20:10

That is such a fit. And I love making that connection for people because again, you hear exhibitionism and we go, oh my God, it's that guy with the trench coat that's just gonna be flashing you on the street, right? No, it comes with a required confidence if you want to really explore exhibitionism, because what we're doing is we're bearing ourselves entirely. Sometimes it's just the body and the nakedness, but sometimes it's actually the act of pursuing pleasure and the physicality in the bedroom, right? So it does require you to be able to feel yourself, to feel the strength of yourself, to feel the pride you have for your body and for who you are within it, because that's what animates it, right? We've all got these bodies, but it's also how we animate them. Because you look at some of the famous burlesque performers throughout the ages, I think of Gypsy Rose Lee, who in the 1930s and 40s would spend 20 minutes unbuttoning a glove and would have a room of audience just absolutely transfixed in this trance because the way the fingers would command the eyes, the way the hands would lure towards the body, as we're waiting button by button, all of that's within your power. But how are you animating it? That's what's to explore.

SPEAKER_00: 21:28

So let's jump into how can people start exploring exhibitionism in the bedroom. We're gonna start with dipping the toe in the water and then move into fully swimming in the exhibitionism experience.

SPEAKER_02: 21:42

A lot of people are gonna have a curiosity am I an exhibitionist or not? This is great and it's a perfect starting point. I would not recommend immediately bringing in an audience. Sometimes we think, oh gosh, there's this desire, and I know it requires someone watching me, so I have to find someone to watch me. That's not true. First and foremost, do you have a full-length mirror in your room? Because you're gonna perform to it. You're going to take a good look at yourself in whatever outfit you enjoy the most, whatever underwear you enjoy the most. And then, of course, your naked selves. That's something you have to confront. That's something you have to take in. And a good way of examining how we feel about our bodies and exhibitionism is to quite literally stand in that full-length mirror and look from head to toe. And as we're scanning the body, are we reaching judgment points? Are we looking going, oh God, my neck, not what it should be. Maybe I should get that Nefertiti necklace. Oh, my shoulders, God, they're not defined. Oh, my boobs are lower than I remember them. That's not going to do us any favors here. We have to look up and down the body as honestly as possible and find love in there. Because there is so much. If you can stand upright, you should be proud of yourself. Not everyone can. So I would say first and foremost, take a look at yourself, spend time with yourself. One of the most powerful exercises that I remember learning as a beginner in burlesque, something that helped me really confirm, yes, I like this. Yes, I love me, was the very simple act of standing in front of my mirror, putting on my favorite song. And what you do is you take your hands and pretend you're forming a lather of soap, as if you're in the shower and you need to get those suds going. And all you're gonna do for the next song lengths is wash yourself. It's all miming. We're not actually in the shower doing this, but it activates every part of the body, not just what so many women and so many humans think they're worth. How hard are my abs, how big is my ass. That's not what this is about. What it's about is taking this fictional lather and putting it all over the body. And what you're doing is you're spreading this permission to touch, this sensual act of feeling ourselves and perhaps spreading love to ourselves. And you're also learning how to move at the exact same time because that song is playing and you can't help but be rhythmic to it. So it's a little ritual that helped me understand, oh, I want to show someone this. I want to move like this at this pace, nice and slow, and I want to celebrate myself for other people's eyes. So I always think that's a great starting point is to first and foremost work with yourself. Once you've gotten to that point, the next graduating step, now that we're in the modern age, and I can turn my cell phone camera on and I can hit record, put that thing at a distance. Put it on the other side of the room. Do not hold it selfie style. Free yourself from the device, put it somewhere in the room and just walk in front of it, move in front of it, dance in front of it, get undressed slowly in front of it and give it a full 360. And then afterwards you're gonna watch that tape back and say, Do I like what I see? These are great ways of just getting yourself familiar with the act of being watched, and you're not running the risk of, oh God, I embarrassed myself in front of someone. Oh no, I made it awkward and uncomfortable because we all fear that, right? And when we're being vulnerable, trying something new, the chances are you might enter an awkward moment. So get comfortable doing it with yourself for yourself first. And then we've got the joy of saying to whomever is in your life, be it a partner, be it a playmate, you say to them, Hey, I want to show you something. Hey, I'm curious about my exhibitionist elements, my exhibitionism and the curiosity around it. Can I show you something? And that's where you get to take the stage. It could be, well, you're out at dinner, and maybe you say, I'm gonna come back from this bathroom and I'm gonna walk to the table real slow. Would you watch me? Just find me in the room and watch me. Or I'm gonna come out of that bathroom. I've just had a shower and I'm gonna make my way to this bed. Would you watch me? It's not about, hey, I'm gonna start touching myself and performing a sex act. No. It's about I'm gonna do something that I know I'm comfortable doing, and I want you to watch me. And you don't permit immediate touch. Try and keep it silent, let it be a visual exchange. Because words, sometimes they're not gonna know what to say, and then you're not gonna know what to say. Take a vow of silence and say, I just want to be watched. Start there.

SPEAKER_00: 26:21

I love that you bring uh putting off the compliments.

SPEAKER_02: 26:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 26:26

Because even if your partner or the lucky person thinks they're saying something positive. If you're in a vulnerable state, I don't know anyone else, but I can twist a thing to mean something negative. I'm feeling even a little bit vulnerable or insecure. But it also takes you out of the state of being up into your head and thinking about everything that's going on instead, just letting it be that being witnessed, that's truly being witnessed with it staying silent.

SPEAKER_02: 27:02

Take the words away. That can be such a pressuring moment for both the giver and the receiver. How do I compliment this person in a moment that feels so special, so surreal, so powerful, so electric. Finding those words is hard. It's another one of my grand affinities in life, however, articulation and the search for those words. Buffett, in an exploration of exhibitionism, I would not bring in vocabulary, not in those early days. Make it a silent exchange so that you're able to really feel eyes on you and not get distracted by that compliment wasn't good enough. And I'm really pissed off that they didn't notice I'm wearing a thong today instead of a fullback cotton panty. It's like that can be overwhelming. The person receiving your show of exhibitionism, your invitation to watch them, that might be a lot for them. They might feel overwhelmed watching you in this new form. Maybe they don't know this side of you. They likely don't. If it's brand new, they don't know it. So putting the pressure for words in can be a little a little too much for the early days. I would say hold off on that.

SPEAKER_00: 28:12

What do you do? Let's say with one of the exercises you talked about earlier with the mirror work. What happens when you do that scan and you do hit those points of criticism, self-crit criticism, or just feeling like you look at a part of your body and you're like, oh, repulsed, or other people will be repulsed.

SPEAKER_02: 28:38

It changes day to day, right? There are some days where you look at that body, especially women that live with a moon cycle and whatnot. Like there are days where we just feel invincible. And then there are days where we go, really? A pimple? I'm 36 years old. I can't even look myself in the face right now. And that's a reality. So when that comes up for you, stop drop and care for yourself. Quite literally. Like in that moment, you have to be kind to yourself. If you start critiquing, it's the same as if you start popping that pimple, you're gonna make it worse. So what you need to do is actually care for yourself. If you're in that mirror and you go, oh, I just don't like the look of that, do something nice for yourself. Whether it's get into a hot shower and say that's enough for tonight, whether it's get into bed and turn on some TV, maybe you need some rest, maybe you need a meal, maybe you need to feed yourself. Clearly, there's something there that needs to be tended to. Obviously, there's a whole long history that we have of being such heavy critics of our naked bodies and attaching shame to the witnessing of ourselves in the naked form. I always advise if people do feel it's an ongoing struggle, this is something you might want to talk to either a sex coach about or your therapist about. Just say, hey, this is coming up for me. I'm starting to notice that I don't like my own body. I'm looking at my own body and I can't find something to celebrate, or I'm really stuck on this one thing. Because it could just be, you know what? You needed to take care of yourself, or maybe you needed to see what your body can do. So, what are some of your favorite activities? It could be a hobby like making art of some kind. It could be going to the gym. Remind yourself what your body can do the moment that you find something that your body is failing you at, because I guarantee it's not failing you at it. You're just in a bad headspace. And that can be really hard to talk ourselves out of. I've been there, I've been there so many times, especially under stress.

SPEAKER_00: 30:33

Absolutely. Every other day I find myself like, come on, you look good, you're okay. Just calm down. All right, so you've done the mirror work, you have pranced around in front of your partner, and you're like, uh, I like this. Let's elevate this to the next level. What would the next level of exhibitionism look like?

SPEAKER_02: 31:00

The next level would be making a sex tape with your partner for yourselves. Whether or not they are the exhibitionist as well, they might not be, but there's something about you enjoying sharing yourself in this way. So ask your partner, hey, how do you feel about us recording ourselves? Who owns the content? Where does the content go? Are we sharing it with each other? So please try and iron those out ahead of time. If you are the exhibitionist and you're the one that wants this content, maybe you guys watch it and delete it. Maybe you watch it and share it. But I would say the next step would be either putting a mirror above your damn bed or filming a sex tape with your partner, doing it with your partner, filming yourself in a more graduated, sensual way. Maybe you're starting to pleasure yourself. Maybe you're playing a little bit more intentionally to a camera. You'll see, again, I still haven't brought someone in yet. I'm going to in the next step. I have not brought someone in yet, though, because I really think it's important that we minimize the danger. That's a big part of my philosophy in all sex activism and pleasure politics, is that we want to minimize the dangers. And so I always say to people, urgency is the death of agency. That's something I learned in my intimacy coordination education. When we make rash decisions very quickly, we oftentimes have not thought through those potentials. And it's not about hunkering down and spending a year considering it. But ask yourself in all of the potentials, do I feel confident and excited to do this? Because if there's a no coming up somewhere, then don't do it. So I still am saying, we have not invited another person yet to watch. Take it to that sexual level. So either film yourself or film you and your partner, watch it back. How does that feel? Do you like it? Do you like which is it getting you off? Are you getting excited by it? Great. I have a next step ready for you. Are you ready, Annette? I am ready.

unknown: 32:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02: 32:54

I'm ready.

SPEAKER_00: 32:54

I made the video and I'm like, God, I really know how to do that, don't I?

SPEAKER_02: 32:58

Yes. And there are options here. But if you want to start entering the public sphere, and this means attending live events, first and foremost, if you are a beginner to live sex parties or erotic parties, however they want to call themselves, you need to know some of the basics here. Okay. It is not necessary that you involve with other people attending the party. So maybe you're ready to take it to a public place. You want to attend a party, depending on what city you're in. I'm in New York. In New York, there are so many play parties and amazing opportunities to be watched in this way. See if check your online forums and online communities for who might be hosting these kinds of events. Do a little research. Find out who's a member. Find out who already attends these. If you're getting good feedback about it, you've got nothing to lose. Attend one of these events and maybe go in as the voyeur. That's the other thing. We might say, I'm an exhibitionist, I'm ready to be watched. Go in and play voyeur. You have to see the other side of it before you dive in. If it's your first experience, go in and really see what it feels like for others to be watching, for others to be on display. Is that something? Is it still affirming your desire for exhibitionism? Or are you starting to realize I just like being watched by my partner? I just like being watched in the safety of my home. So don't go into the party attendance saying, we are going tonight and we're finding that elevated platform with the spotlight and it is ours for tonight. We're putting on a show all night long. Don't guarantee that for yourself because you're going to go in and feel that pressure. And if it's your first time, you might not know what that atmosphere feels like, looks like, interacts with you like. So I would say plan your attendance to go in and witness. Take a look. What does it look like to see other exhibitionists in that glory? Do you feel like I want to get up there? Oh, I want everyone to watch me. If that is ringing like a resounding yes, then you found yourself the place to be. But it might also be that you want to curate a party. Maybe you want a smaller group of people, trusted friends, like-minded individuals, and you want to throw that one. Or you want to throw a house party. You want to invite folks to come in and witness this thing. Now you can have fun with this and say, you guys are our audience. But you can also go into it and say, We all might play. Play is open and available to all, right? Again, hosting a party is a very big different endeavor, though. So if you don't have experience with it, you want to be sure you know what you're doing. How do you equip your space for a play party or even to bring people in to witness you? Do you want to check cell phones and not let them have theirs? Do you want to supply any of the necessary items, sanitizers, cleaners, condoms, lubes? These are things you have to consider. So I would say first and foremost, attend a live event and go in to watch. Play the voyeur for a night, see what it feels like.

SPEAKER_00: 35:59

I love that. And also I think important to note is each venue, if from my experience, each venue or sex club and sex party, the clubs are always gonna be there, but they all have their own feel. The people who attend the different clubs will tend to fit into different groups, right? Yeah. One club may be more queer friendly, one club may be mostly swingers, one club may be more aligned with this heteronormativity. So it also might be good to you if the first one goes well. Or even if it doesn't, if you go to one and you're like, maybe try more than one.

SPEAKER_02: 36:43

Yeah. And that's all part of it, right? Some of that background research is so important because even things like the atmosphere of the space itself, some of the clubs are very dark and dim, and everyone in attendance likes to wear masquerade. But some of them are very lively, and you've got lights of all kinds of colors, and you've got a drum and bass mix going, and you've got one massive bed as opposed to smaller allocated bedrooms. So there are so many variations of play parties. And I would say try a bunch of them on for size, right? If this is something you're enjoying and you're having good experiences, and again, going in with that no-pressure approach of, hey, we don't necessarily have to go in and play. Now be open to what your partner is also going to be experiencing if you're attending with someone, because I do think that is a very important element, right? You want to be checking in with your partner every step of the way after every one of these adventures. Hey, we're going to go to this party tonight. Ask them, how did that feel for you? If you're partnered, how does it feel for your partner to have everyone else look at you? Now, obviously, it's up to you. I'm not going to say to you, abide by their rules 100% of who can look at your body and how that feels like old-world, dangerous, archaic behavior. I don't love that. But still, you want to be considerate of their feelings. And if it's advancing at a rate that's a little too fast, you might start finding a distance between each other. And that's what we don't want. So check in along the way. Hey, how did that feel for other people to be looking at me? Because maybe you're attending in your lingerie. Maybe you're taking all your clothes off and the two of you want to walk around naked. How did that feel for other people to be looking at my body? And then ask yourself, how did it feel for other people to be looking at your body?

SPEAKER_00: 38:30

Well, that's interesting too. In my mind, I was thinking, oh, exhibitionism would be if you were playing and people were watching. But it could be just you wear, you go in a trench coat, take it off, and you have lingerie under that you're wearing there and people are seeing you in that lingerie.

SPEAKER_02: 38:48

Sure. There are people that attend these events and stay fully dressed. There are people that come in an evening gown and then later through the night, halfway through, they're in lingerie. And then another 20 minutes later, they're fully naked. That's the options here is that you can dress yourself and reveal yourself however you wish.

SPEAKER_00: 39:06

So it could be perhaps that exhibitionism for you is mostly just wanting to be seen, seen. And another type of exhibitionism could be that you want to be seen, but also you want to be seen while having pleasure. But it doesn't necessarily have to be both. Like you could just enjoy the being seen, but you're like, I have to do my sexy stuff in private. Absolutely. Or it could then be both.

SPEAKER_02: 39:35

Absolutely. Those are within that gradient scale of exhibitionism, right? Sometimes people say, hey, I just want to be that sparkling Swarovski swan that's on that little platform with all the spotlights. I just want to be looked at. And that's absolutely fine in your solo brilliance and glory. When we're talking about the sexual play of exhibitionism, we're talking about, I want you to watch me getting pleasure. I want you to watch me maybe even getting pain. Maybe me getting degraded in ways. This is all within it, right? Because there's also the kink side of exhibitionism where some people say, I want you to see what I can endure. I want you to see how far I submit. I want you to see how much I can take. And so it's not always about being this brilliant, dominant, untouchable queen of a creature. Sometimes it is about witness me in all the variations of my sexual identity and my sexual play. And that's what I love about it, right? I love witnessing an amazing BDSM scene where this submissive just wants you to watch what they can take. It is incredible. I sometimes I just find myself in total awe and I go, yeah, I couldn't do that. I would tap out at this point. I'm impressed. I'm thoroughly impressed by this individual. That happens.

SPEAKER_00: 41:54

Exhibitionism in that case could even just be between a couple and the sub, in this case, is one example wanting to be seen by their dom and how much they can take. It's the being witnessed of. That's a form of exhibitionism.

SPEAKER_02: 43:16

Absolutely. And when it's done against their will and desire or against hesitation, that can lean into some of that humiliation. But sometimes even people that want to be seen in this submissive state where they're taking an enormous amount of pain or an enormous amount of impact play, they enjoy that you're watching them be treated like this. Exhibitionism is just saying, I want you to see me in my sexual rawness. I want you to see me in my sexual potency of who I am. I want you to see me in all the glory of who I am while in the pursuit of pleasure, to my definition of it.

SPEAKER_00: 43:54

Now, for those who want crowd control, what about situations where people enjoy having sex in a car in a more public place? That's also a form of exhibitionism, correct?

SPEAKER_02: 44:10

Yeah, public play does certainly exist in the realm of exhibitionism. I cannot condone it in spaces where it's not permitted, but my goodness, do you have a bounty of locations in our modern world that cater to this specifically? You've got Cap Dag, which is an entire village of nudity and sexual freedom. You've got hedonism in the grill, Jamaica, you've got desire in in Mexico, in Cancun. So there are so many destinations where if your desire is to be watched in a more public, natural setting, like on a beach or in a nightclub, or in your hotel room with all the windows open and the blinds pulled back, there are places to do that where you're not interfering with other people's preferences or other people's freedoms to say, I don't want to see that. That's why unfortunately we can't, no matter how hot I think it is, I would think it's very hot at a very, let's call it bumper to bumper traffic situation. Yeah, I'd love to slip into the backseat and just enjoy myself. That would be amazing. Unfortunately, in our world, it's not a it's not a green light.

SPEAKER_00: 45:18

And the reason we would say this so that people know, because I have to tell you, over the course of my sex life, I've had so many partners ask, Well, do you want to go and do it in this place where we might get caught? And that definitely isn't my thing. Like, I don't that that I'm just like, no, thank you. So maybe saying why it's a no, it takes away someone else's opportunity to say no. It forces people to see something that they don't want to.

SPEAKER_02: 45:48

At that point, I wonder, are we even talking exhibitionism? Because you're talking about getting caught. So there's a desire or an excitement around being found, being discovered, and then being, I guess, in the act where we're not supposed to be. It's more of a desire for a rule break as opposed to a desire to just be witnessed. It's this desire to be caught. And yeah, that can be extremely exciting. And there's a number of single-stall bathrooms across many of your metropolis cities. Why not sneak your partner into one of them and enjoy yourself? And then the two of you exit at the same time. And that should be excitement enough that the two of you are exiting from that bathroom together. You know what I mean? There's workarounds for this that aren't going to get you necessarily in legal danger because no one should be composing or conducting themselves in that way. I think that's a little bit, a little selfish, let's say.

SPEAKER_00: 46:44

Right. And I like your workaround though. That's again, that probably wouldn't be my thing, but it's interesting how you can take different situations that one might want to experience and then find something that works for it without putting anybody else in a weird situation or landing you in jail. That answered my question. That doesn't really fit in the exhibitionism realm, then that's not really what it's about. Interesting.

unknown: 47:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 47:13

All right. We've taken y'all and myself from entry level. I'm definitely past entry level. I've sent videos and pictures and so on and so forth. But like how you can step it up and see how it feels to you. Do you have any advice you want to share from here on trying out or discovering exhibitionism?

SPEAKER_02: 47:39

Yeah. It's a very exciting journey. But what I will say to everybody is do not sacrifice your own pleasure and listen to me carefully, okay? When we enter a performative realm and we are being watched, there is that invitation of pressure, let's say, to give them a show. And that can be fun. But if you start faking things and you start losing your access to that orgasm, because maybe you like everything except that face you make when you climax, do not lose that ability. That's what the potential is here. And I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it's a real thing. If you start only having this performative sex where you're getting this feeling of like applause for what you do, you might start to be performing for them as opposed to continuing your authenticity and continuing that sexual rawness. So that's like a reason why I've put up some walls in my own content creation and my own performance demand as a content creator, is that I don't want to lose that availability to my own orgasm. I don't want to start conflating a performative orgasm with what my true, raw, real orgasm looks, feels, and sounds like. So don't lose that along the way. If you're starting to get really affirmed by an audience, maybe at these parties and people start saying, hey, it's those two. They put on a great show. You know, that whole showbiz element can become a pressure. Are you still being authentic in your pursuit of pleasure? Because trust me, doing acrobatic circuit-soleil-styled sex is very exciting and fun to watch, but it's not always the thing that gets you off. So make sure that you are still getting off the way that you need to get off. Even if that means you lay, you're laying on your back and you're hardly moving and someone else is doing all the work, or you're it's a quiet sound, or it's an ugly sound, or it's a large and ridiculous explosion that might need an exorcism. Good. Make sure that you still have access to it. Do not become desensitized because the thrill of people watching has forced you to perform for them.

SPEAKER_00: 50:01

Yeah, the high you can get from the applause can sometimes get confused with that energetic orgasm that you're going to experience in your body from actual pleasure. There's kind of two different types of pleasure happening there. And one definitely makes orgasming a little bit, at least in my case, maybe not for everybody. I know there are plenty of women who have orgasms easily. I am not blessed in that way. So performance can definitely keep me from orgasming. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 50:33

So I'd say keep like a solo, uh, a solo ritual and a partnered ritual if you are in a couple or in a relationship dynamic. Keep that active along with all of the fun, performative exhibitionism that you're exploring. Just make sure that you're still maintaining access to yourself and your authenticity along the way. We don't want to lose that.

SPEAKER_00: 50:56

And there is truly nothing hotter than an authentic orgasm, regardless of how it looks. When you can feel when you're with a partner and they have that like incredible primal orgasm and it does not look like anything you've ever seen on the silver screen, you're just like, oh, what the that's real. That's so real. Well the whole this whole episode has really been a step-by-step for me and my listeners. But for someone who's okay, what can I start doing tonight? What's something I can do tonight to kick this off? Or how do I bring this up with my partner? What is your advice?

SPEAKER_02: 51:38

Step number one, look at yourself in the mirror, okay? Make it between you and yourself. Look at everything. When was the last time you looked at your genitalia and really looked at it? Right. So take in that full, encompassing, embracing look at yourself in your entire wholeness. Step number one. Step number two, you want to say to your partner, guess what? I've got this discovery burning up inside of me, and I want to find ways to begin exploring it. Here's what I'm thinking. I would like you to watch me. And then, like I said, make it simple. Either you're walking through the room or you're dancing or you're removing your clothes, or you're performing the most exciting self-pleasure scene anyone has ever brought to their partner's real flesh attention. Maybe start doing some research of what live events you want to attend. See if there are some in your city, or if maybe it's a fun vacation you could have if you are hitting a big city where most of these events are happening. You've got calendars at these clubs, you've got calendars of events. And so find one that in description and in some, I guess, discussions with other people feel like a fit. If it's a heavy bondage night and you're not into bondage, don't prioritize that one. If it's a swingers night and you're a single person, don't prioritize that one. Really look for that perfect fit of an event. And you can ask questions to either the people running the event or the members of that community. So if you're looking to make those connections, again, a lot of folks have an Instagram page. If they have an Instagram page, find out who's following them. Start to learn who's a part of that world and see if it's something that you're interested in jumping into.

SPEAKER_00: 53:20

There you go, guys. If you are curious, now you know what are some signs you might be into exhibitionism. How do you dip your toe in the water? How do you dive in and start swimming? This is a really good 101 for you. Thank you so much. Now, can you tell my listeners all of the different places they can find you if they want to find out more about what you're doing and how to get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_02: 53:50

You can find connections to everything that I'm active within and everything I'm creating at my website, thelauradeseray.com. Please do connect.

SPEAKER_00: 54:00

Yeah, and you can of course scroll down to the notes in this episode, and I'm gonna drop that link there so you can find out all of the really cool stuff that she is involved in. An erotic club.

SPEAKER_02: 54:15

Come find us at sanctum.com, snctm.com. We would love to show you our world.

SPEAKER_00: 54:24

Perfect. All right, folks. Here is yet another kink for you to explore because no kink should be left unturned in your life. You want to expand your access to intimacy and play as much as you can. Let me know how your journey goes. Did you listen to this and say, hey, I think that might be my thing? I would love to find out if you have questions or comments. You can scroll down. And if you're on my YouTube channel at TalkSex with Annette, you can drop a comment, send me a message in the comments section below. I would love to hear what you have to say. If you have questions, leave them and I will work hard to get them answered. Thank you again, Laura, for joining me. I feel honored to have had this conversation with you. Thank you, Annette. And until next time, listeners, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers. Cheers.