Kink Went Mainstream?! From TikTok Trends to Locktober Obsession (with Amanda Dames)

What happens when kink leaves the dungeon and hits the mainstream? From TikTok tutorials on rope play to luxury fashion houses sending models down the runway in harnesses, BDSM isn’t hiding in the shadows anymore. But has kink lost its edge—or finally become safer and more accessible?

In this Kinktober special, I’m joined by Amanda Dames, kink educator, coach, and host of The Kink Consultant Podcast. Together we explore:
✨ How TikTok & social media helped normalize kink
✨ Why chastity & Locktober are exploding in popularity
✨ The rise of femdom, cuckolding, foot fetishes, and more
✨ Why some gatekeepers resist kink going mainstream
✨ How to safely dip your toes into kink this Kinktober—without shame

👉 Don’t miss this conversation if you’re curious about exploring kink or just want to understand how it’s shaping modern culture.

📌 Follow Amanda Dames:

https://www.amandadames.com/
Instagram: @the_kink_consultant
TikTok: @thekinkconsultant
Podcast: The Kink Consultant

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Chapters

• 0:00 New Name, Same Locker Room Energy
• 2:22 Today’s Topic: Kink Goes Mainstream
• 4:01 Meet Amanda: The Kink Consultant
• 6:00 How Kink Crossed Into Pop Culture
• 10:29 Is Mainstreaming Good Or Bad?
• 14:58 Gatekeeping vs. Welcoming Newcomers
• 18:48 Cuckolding vs. Hotwifing Explained
• 23:43 Locktober And Chastity Basics
• 29:03 Why Chastity Is Surging
• 33:03 Foot Fetish, ABDL, And More
• 38:43 Femdom On The Rise
• 44:04 Pegging, Prostate Play, And Media
• 48:34 Realistic Kink: Learning, Not Guessing
• 52:39 Customizing Dynamics And Switching

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:46

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex within It. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink, dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you. And if you're new, welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now, let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's Talk Sex within Net topic is mainstreaming kink from TikTok trends to Locktober obsessions. Has kink gone to mainstream? From TikTok tutorials on rope to luxury fashion houses sending models down the runway and harnesses, BDSM is not hiding in the shadows anymore. And some say kink has lost its edge. Others argue it's the best thing that could have happened for acceptance, education, and safer play. And since October is officially Kinktober, and yes, Locktober, one of my favorite holidays, I couldn't think of a better time to dive in. Today I am joined by Amanda Dames, Kink Educator, coach, and host of the Kink Consultant Podcast. And together we are going to explore what happens when kink hits mainstream, why some taboos, like chastity, are exploding in popularity, and how you, whether you are curious or cautious, can start dipping your toes into the kinky pool without fear or shame. But before I dive in, I want to remind y'all that I'm over on OnlyFans, and there I'm sharing my sex and intimacy, how-tos, tutorials, audio guided self-pleasure, meditations, and an opportunity to test the waters with my coaching. You can go over there, and if you're not ready to commit to full coaching regimen, if you will, you can ask me singular questions and I will get you the answers you want. You can find me over there with my handle at TalkSex withinet. You can find me on Substack doing a lot of the same, minus the coaching at TalkSex with Annet. And you can scroll down and you're going to find all the links to wherever you want to find me. And I'm looking forward to seeing you there. But for now, Amanda, can you take over the mic and tell my listeners more about you?

SPEAKER_01: 3:27

Yeah, sure. Thank you so much. I'm excited to talk about all of those topics. I'm Amanda Dames, also known as the Kink Consultant, and I'm a sex and relationship coach who specializes in kink. I work with couples and individuals to introduce and maintain kink in their lives. And I work with a lot of people who are married, typically over 40, and they want to reintroduce the spark. And more often than not, one of the two people has a kink or specific desire that they haven't been so comfortable sharing with their partner and they just want a little bit of help. I've been called the kink convincer and the kink mediator before as well, because that's how I help couples to really reintroduce that spark and have a good intimate relationship in the bedroom. Yeah. So I and I can be found on Instagram as the underscore kink consultant, on TikTok as the kink consultant, or on anywhere you get podcasts. If you just look up the kink consultant, I'm there too.

SPEAKER_02: 4:21

Well, this is where I usually tell y'all what why to stay to the end. But I think she gave you your answer because I know this is a very common problem, challenge, if you will, that people have wanting to introduce something kinky, spicy into their relationship and not knowing how to have those conversations. So we are going to talk about how kink has gone a bit more mainstream. And that might benefit you in your own bedroom, what the effects of that are. We're going to talk about some of the kinks that are now becoming popular, if you will. And then, of course, by the end of this, we are going to be telling you how you can dip your toe in the bot water, including how you can talk to your partner and maybe convince them to go on the journey with you. I'm excited for this conversation. I love these kind of talks. And I feel very uh lucky to have you here to do this with me today, Amanda. I can't think of a better guest.

SPEAKER_01: 5:20

So I was honored you asked.

SPEAKER_02: 5:22

So thank you. So cheers. Let's talk about kink. I am ready. Cheers. So when did you first notice a shift in that kink had started to become more mainstream? A lot of the things we used to consider kinky or taboo were now being integrated, if you will, into vanilla life.

SPEAKER_01: 5:46

I think that that has only happened in the last five, six, maybe I'm gonna say 2018. So, like let's say that's seven years. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say. I know a lot of people who will argue when Fifty Shades of Grey came out, but I remember when 50 Shades came out. I was involved in the community then and it wasn't mainstream. I actually thank TikTok and Instagram for bringing this into the mainstream a little bit more. So that's why I'm gonna clock it at 2018.

SPEAKER_02: 6:15

I would agree with you. When I started this podcast, uh, one of the big inks I talked about a lot, I had a guest who came on all the time who went into chastity, male chastity, and it was so taboo. And uh just over the course of I'm now four and a half, five years into this podcast, there's been a huge shift. So, but I agree with you. It probably the shift started before then, even. Can you talk about or name some of the platforms you think have played a role in the shift?

SPEAKER_01: 6:48

Ooh, okay. I'm gonna tell you that this might be an unpopular or shocking opinion. Two different platforms. Kindle Unlimited. People get a subscription to Kim Kindle Unlimited. They can have 10$10 a month for a bunch of books for free. Erotica is so high up there that I actually think that women reading erotica is normalizing it. Thank God. Okay, so I it's a little out there. I'm going mainstream though, because I also think TV shows they used to joke about it, and then it became something you didn't joke about anymore. It making jokes about it as much as I hate Kink to be the butt of a joke, normalizes it a little bit. So we had shows like Billions come out in that show. The husband and wife, I think it's played by Paul Giamatti and Maggie Siff. She's his dom. And I think that that starts to normalize it as well. These are powerful individuals, well, um looking normal from the outside. Do you know what I mean? I think those two alone, then I mean, you know better than anyone, OnlyFans. I think that the mainstream of sex work with OnlyFans being so accessible, that helped a lot too. I see, I could, I'm like prioritizing of like, okay, where do I actually think it came from? And then I think TikTok and Instagram sort of brought it, like I'd say those five then. It's like four or five. Those together are what made Kink a little bit more mainstream. But can I also throw in one more thing? It's so hard to decide when it becomes mainstream because Madonna was saying stuff in the 80s. Jean-Paul Gautier was designing in the 80s in a way that we now associate it with like very BDSM looks, you know? So it's so hard to, I wonder if it comes and goes in waves. But for me, we're at the point of no return. We're never going back to more puritanical, non-kinky representation.

SPEAKER_02: 8:40

Right. I agree with you. There's been this massive shift. There are also shows now on Netflix that highlight kinky lifestyles and and how to get more involved in kink. And, you know, some of them do damage. They make, you know, it's the darker side of kink and this and that. But there are some document, not only documentaries, I would even shows like Goop, Gwyneth Paltra, I can't remember the name of it. I didn't watch all of it. Um, but she highlighted different kink experts in her own little series for that. You know, and and that that was sort of seeding the thought, I think, in a lot of heteronormative, somewhat vanilla couples' minds that oh, well, if Gwyneth Palatro is willing to put this on TV, it must mean it's okay, right? It must mean it's not a bad thing to do.

SPEAKER_01: 9:40

I know. And no matter how you feel about her, she really brought a lot to the forefront. Like her yoni, her steaming yoni thing, like taking care of your vagina and caring about your vagina, talking about it out loud. We do have her to thank for that, I think, in a major way, because she was one of the first famous people to do it.

SPEAKER_02: 9:59

Um yeah, I'm happy with any celebrity who wants to like add in some like pussy positive stuff or kink positive stuff or sex positive. I'm not gonna rip it down and be like, you go, girl. You want to talk about it, even if it's not my thing, or I'm like, ugh, how annoying. It's like still a good thing. So I guess that brings me to how do you feel about how mainstream do you think kink is now? And in your mind, is it a positive or a negative?

SPEAKER_01: 10:28

I would argue it's not mainstream enough. And what I mean by that is I'm on one lately about this. Choking in porn, we saw a huge rise in it. We saw a huge rise in safety concerns because people were getting hurt from it. It's almost like kink is so mainstream, except it's not mainstream enough for us to educate on it. It's not mainstream enough for us to know how to do it safely. So, as mainstream as it is, with where we see it in fashion on TikTok, it's not mainstream enough that we're comfortable talking about how to do it safely. So I think we have a little bit of a ways to go in how mainstream it is. And I'm here for it. I mean, I'm out here trying to make it slightly more mainstream. I think that we've seen the biggest jump recently. And my favorite part of though about kink being more mainstream is our conversations around consent. I think consent conversations, you the use of safe words so much more popular and mainstream now than before. And it's helping frame what consent is and how to have conversations so that people are getting slightly less hurt in normal, I hate using normal, but vanilla activities, like straightforward sex. And I think that like that is what happens as we mainstream this. Do you know what I mean? It's like helping across the board.

SPEAKER_02: 11:48

One of the things I'm also really curious about is there are people who don't like the mainstreaming of kink. Why why would that be?

SPEAKER_01: 11:59

Why would that be? Great question, Annette. I have a huge issue with those people who are against the mainstreaming of kink. And I'm gonna I call them gatekeepers. They feel that they were special and different and doing this way back when. So they feel a little hard done by the fact that so many people have easier access to it. They're more openly accepted. I know there are dating apps specifically for people who are kinky now. I've used some of those dating apps. I think that they are just annoyed that it's for everyone. Because if they were really, if they cared so much about kink, they would be like, hey, welcome. We're excited you're here. Here's how to do this safely. So the people annoyed at the mainstreaming of kink are people I take personal issue with. I think that they are just gatekeepers, they're old guard, and they need to move out of the way because they're part of the reason I think people aren't looking to educate themselves better. They don't want to go into a community where there's hostility about the new person showing up, even when they want to learn.

SPEAKER_02: 13:29

Right. And also that's not what I would call sex positive, right? It's it's sex negative. It's like it's um like keeping people, wanting to keep people in the dark about the pleasure potential that's out there and the vast world that sex is and that it's available to people.

SPEAKER_01: 13:49

A hundred percent. And it's something that I've come across a lot. The more popularity I gained on social media, the more I had those people, not I won't say they came after me, but there was a lot, I would get DMs being like, Who are you to talk about kink? And I mean that. I have DMs from other podcast hosts from when I first started. And I think the idea was like, I didn't look like the traditional person who's into kink. I definitely didn't look like old guard. And I was like, you know, I'd have to come with my credentials. And that's fair. I understand people wanting to understand my credentials. It was the undertone of you're not one of us, so you shouldn't be talking about this. And my point was always people who partake in kink, BDSM practitioners, if you will, as they're officially called, look a whole bunch of different ways. And there's no way that you can't box everyone into one type of thing. And I think part of that lack of sex positivity is people are like, we're kink, this is how we represent ourselves, this is how it's been for the last 50 years. So stay in line. And that's not how it works anymore.

unknown: 14:54

Right.

SPEAKER_02: 14:54

Kink is for everyone. I used to have a good friend of mine dominate Russian dominatrix Lucy would come on and she would say she was like, There are two types of people. There are kinky people and liars.

SPEAKER_00: 15:08

I love that. I have never heard that, but uh yeah, seal of approval, agree with that. There are kinky people and liars. I love it.

SPEAKER_02: 15:17

And I think that the mainstreaming allows people to stop hiding so much and and sort of pushing down and bearing the desires that they have and finding the partners and engaging in intimacy that will fulfill them, right?

SPEAKER_01: 15:35

Yeah, oh 100%. And what I think the number one kink that comes to mind when we talk about the mainstreaming is cuckolding. And there's a couple of things that contributed to that. Do you remember in 2016, leaving politics aside, the word cuck and the derogatory term of like you're a cuck started to make its way into the mainstream? I think people began to be like, what the fuck does that even mean? And it means cuckolding. And I think that that became more prevalent. And with that, the conversation opened up, which allowed more people to understand what it was, and then that normalizes it, even just knowing what it is. So instead of just saying, hey, wife, I want you to go fuck some other guy, and maybe I want to be there and watch and have it feel a little embarrassing for me. There was a word for it then. And so much power exists in a label. I know there's a lot of anger around labels and a lot of anger around naming, and people are like, oh, we have too many labels. I always say it's a really good signpost for helping you see the direction you want to go in. And that's what cuckolding is. And that word making it into the mainstream just helped that kink become a little more normalized.

SPEAKER_02: 16:45

Yeah, so many people have it. So this is a great place in this conversation to start talking about with the mainstreaming of kink. What are some of the kinks that are now growing rapidly in popularity? Obviously, cuck holding. And so again, can you repeat what that is? Because it is out there everywhere.

SPEAKER_01: 17:09

Yes, it is. Cuckolding is a kink where the man, because then there's cuck queening where that would be the opposite, but let's talk about cuckolding. The a married man derives pleasure out of the humiliation of knowing his wife is having sex with another man, and he enjoys some of the humiliation of like, you can't satisfy her the way this other man can. Like, let's call him a bull, the man that the woman is going off to have sex with. And sometimes the husband who's wants to be a little bit embarrassed by this, he's watching, or he just knows it's happening, and the wife might come back and tell him stories. And then he gets off on the idea of, wow, that's my wife going off and being with someone else. Can I just say a side note of not to be confused with hot wifing, which is almost the exact same scenario, except it's not the embarrassment or shame. It's almost like a pride thing. The wife is confidently going off and having sex. The guy's like, My wife's so hot. Look at her go off and have sex. There's a little more conversion and excitement for the husband in that case, and it's less about the embarrassment.

SPEAKER_02: 18:15

This is funny because I actually wanted to do a whole discussion on the difference between them because I'm confused myself. I've never been in that kind of dynamic. But it's so it's the exact same dynamic almost. It's the intention and the feelings that you're getting off on uh from it are different, correct?

SPEAKER_01: 18:35

That's a hundred percent it. That's exactly it. And I know it's kind of it's hard to imagine it, but it's it's really about the motivation behind it.

SPEAKER_02: 18:44

Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. I've definitely I've been in partnerships where you know we've either we've been in like three sims or or four sims or whatever, and I can kind of get the feeling behind it. I've never been in a uh like a true hot wifing situation. I'd be a hot wife, god damn it. I mean, I'd be a great hot wife.

SPEAKER_01: 19:06

And now this is all part of the normalization process. Now you're gonna go off and be a hot yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 19:13

Um, all right. So and that really has gone more mainstream with kink coming into sort of the spotlight. I mean, everyone talks that you go to a hotel room and everyone's like, yep, it's got a cuck chair, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 19:29

There's whole Instagram accounts for that now.

SPEAKER_02: 19:31

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I've got to check that out. But yeah, so it's something that is talked about. Well, it's used derogatorily by incels, usually, who aren't getting any sex at all. But it's also just becoming more um, I don't know if I would say accepted. Well, I think a lot of people want to do it and do it, but it's still, you know, no one wants to admit, like, yeah, I really like seeing my, you know, wife get railed.

SPEAKER_01: 19:57

So it's not talked about regularly in social circles, but the number of women I have spoken to who will admit to me that their husband or boyfriend at least dirty talks about it in the bedroom during sex. Because that's honestly a really great way to have your needs met just by dirty talking it. And you can feel like you've had the experience without fully having it. And sometimes people think they want to go the full way, but really just exploring the fantasy in their mind during sex is enough for them. So, like it's actually quite a common fantasy. Maybe it's not so common that people are actually acting on it.

SPEAKER_02: 20:32

All right, all right, and Chris. Let's talk about another one that I know has become more and more popular and it's very popular here on my channel. And I uh have covered it every year because Locktober, we are we are on the cusp of well, actually, we are at the time that this airs, we are in Kinktober. So get get your creative ideas and juices flowing while you listen to this. It is also known as Locktober, and I will be sending all of my listeners plenty of e-newsletters with all of those episodes from past years to listen to. But Locktober involves male chastity. It could be it could be any chastity, couldn't it?

SPEAKER_01: 21:14

You mean women nor men? I mean, you could lock up a I think about this a lot because I'm all about equality, but I don't know any women taking part in Locktober. I think that's like please reach out to Locked up. Yeah, one of us. I'm a sub. I wouldn't mind taking part in Locktober, I guess, but it's it doesn't have the same appeal as caging. Like, I'm just gonna be honest, a chastity belt is nowhere near as cool as a cage.

SPEAKER_02: 21:42

Yeah, I will say I was shocked the first time I caged my my ex's cock what because I was curious, I was learning about it. I'm like, hey, can I slap a cage on your cock and see? And I was actually shocked at what a turn on it was. I tend to be Dom in my connections with women when I'm dating uh women or a Volva owner, and sometimes I tend more towards sub with male partners, but that's been shifting, that's been shifting quite a bit lately. And I slapped a Kate, I didn't actually slap it on, guys. Uh we placed it upon the cock, and I was like, oh, oh, it is hot, it is appealing, it's pretty interesting. I love the idea of a cock getting hard and then coming up against those bars of the cage and being like, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01: 22:34

You know, there's such a level of control and power in it. And you know, side note, I say the same thing about pegging. Like, until you put a strap on on, like, please don't knock it. You know, it's exciting to have that, and you kind of have a similar power when you're caging someone.

SPEAKER_02: 22:50

Yeah, I like caging, and maybe this is why it's so popular. There is part of I think in dating and that romantic relationships and sexual relationships where we start to feel possessive. I think that can be very normal. A feeling hopefully you work through it and you don't become crazy or insane about it. But think about it. Of course, you want to like cage that cock and be like, that's mine, or the the I I'm down to I'm down to cage a Vulva.

SPEAKER_01: 23:20

Like it's mine, and we play with it when I want to. You don't get to play with it by yourself, but I get to choose when we play with it. Like, there's so much power in that, it's a huge turn on.

SPEAKER_02: 23:31

Yeah, maybe I'll give it give it give it a try this Locktober with a Vulva. Um yeah, but so Locktober for the month of October, people who participate in it put a can put a cock or a pussy in uh in a chastity belt for the right, right. And and it can be some people have worked up to being able to do it all month long while also changing the cage and taking care of business, you know, because you gotta, but or you can do it for small periods of time each day, correct?

SPEAKER_01: 24:08

Yeah, there's so much on there's so many options in it. You could go the first 30 days, but if this is your dipping your toe in the water of chastity, just plan to do it for a couple of hours a day, maybe a full day, maybe overnight. You figure out what it feels like, but start small. Like use this as an opportunity to go for it. Maybe you've done it for a day here or there and you move up to like four days, you know, just inch along. It's I recently had it described to me as when you go to the gym, you don't start working out going zero to a hundred, like running 10 miles on the treadmill, then going to a like a spin class and then lifting weights. Start by like walking on the treadmill, maybe working your way up to a jog, similar situation.

SPEAKER_02: 24:50

So, why do you think this ink in particular has, I mean, it is not one that I thought would go as mainstream as it has. What?

SPEAKER_01: 25:04

Why? Okay, I have a theory on this. I have no proof. I think our the ease of access to porn makes it so that there's nothing stopping anybody anymore, right? And I think that we are looking for checks and balances. People like boundaries. And I think that this is the ultimate boundary because they can't get hard, they can't pleasure themselves. In a world where we can have whatever we want, we're looking for a way to like to stop. That becomes the what is the word I'm looking for? That becomes the moment for them of like, okay, this is the excitement now. Something's being withheld from me, even if they're doing it to themselves. And I think there's excitement in that that we're not used to anymore. You want a package, order it on Amazon Prime, you get it by like 4 a.m. the next morning. Everything's on demand. Any TV show, any piece of music, everything is on demand. So now we're looking at ways to make our lives harder.

SPEAKER_02: 25:57

And I think that anticipation, anticipation, and anticipation drives arousal.

SPEAKER_01: 26:03

Yeah. And we're there's a way to work this in. You can do it on your own. You can self-cage, or you can do it with a partner. So there are a lot of options there too. And so that's like my overarching thing of like, this is why I think it's blowing up so much. But I know on an individual level, men say that being caged helps them focus more. They know they're not thinking about sex as much. So it opens up time for them to go to the gym, get more work done because they're like, okay, this is off the table at least for 12 hours. It I can't even potentially use it as a distraction. So there are actual real world benefits that I think encourage more men to try it. There are blogs of people saying they're self-caging and they're talking about their experiences of all men just comparing stories, saying, like, this is what I do. There's almost a there's a community around it, just like any other community.

SPEAKER_02: 26:52

Well, so there you are, guys. If you have not tried it yet, I have a guide. I will send you on how to choose a cage, because getting the cage, the right cage is a whole thing. It's a it's a whole thing. I will I will send you how to measure and pick your right cage. Although you can start with right uh uh like a silicone cage or something a little bit easier.

SPEAKER_01: 27:12

I guess you can, but I always recommend people that want to try it. Like you're going to have a better experience if it is fit for your size, because if it's not for your size, it could be more painful, it might not work the same way. So I recommend if you are interested in this try in trying it, it's worth the small investment to measure and get the right one.

SPEAKER_02: 27:33

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Because I know that when I was trying to find the right one with my ex, it was like it took a lot of different tries getting the sizing right and then also something that was comfortable. But so there's a lot of information out there to help you figure that out, but you might want to give it a try. I'm gonna look into female chastity belts. I'm curious, anyways. So we've talked about cuck, cucking, hot wifing, and chastity. Can you name another? What are some other kinks that are going mainstream right now? Other than look, we know choking, which would, you know, problematic. You got to learn how to joke. But but I'm talking about some, you know, unique kinks we didn't think were gonna go mainstream that are.

SPEAKER_01: 28:23

Okay, so I have to say the foot fetish, because that is now so mainstream. I don't even like there are arguments in my comment section being like, no, it's mainstream. And there are people being like, I have a foot fetish, it's not mainstream. Like, I think everyone who has a kink or a fetish that they really need is going to experience that feeling from time to time. Here's one that's not super mainstream, but everyone's more aware of it than I expected them to be. Wearing diapers. So, I mean, I'm not shocking you by telling you that, right? That that is a kink people have.

SPEAKER_02: 28:56

Yes, I know it's a kink. I didn't expect you to say, yeah, I didn't know this was gonna come up. I like it. Let's talk.

SPEAKER_01: 29:03

So here's why I'm mentioning it. A year and a half ago or two years ago, some woman in New Hampshire opened up an adult daycare, but like not like an old person's home. Like a come here and we will put you in diapers and infantilize you and have you let you have this adult baby diaper lover, shortened it ABDL experience. And she got shut down almost immediately. But it was both shocking and mainstream enough that that story took off. You know, it wasn't sometimes weird kings happen and no one pays attention to it. That one took hold because people were fascinated by it and there were conversations around it. So that one, okay, maybe I'm fascinated by it because I think it is the most shamed by the king community, but it is growing in popularity because more and more people know it exists.

SPEAKER_02: 29:54

And they want to wear diapers. More and more people are admitting to wanting to wear diapers.

SPEAKER_01: 29:58

Yes, exactly. I mean, and the places this pops up, there is there are comedians who I've heard talk about it. They do audience work and like it comes up. Yes, they want to wear diapers. Some people want to use the diapers and have them changed, others just want to be in it for multiple different reasons. Okay. So maybe that's maybe that's like uh what I'm doing there is I'm saying, watch this space. I think it's on its way to mainstream.

SPEAKER_02: 30:25

Yeah. I mean, I could see when driving long distance where I would find it to be an asset. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 30:32

Who else? I I mean, people wear diapers New Year's Eve, Times Square because they have well, that would make sense.

SPEAKER_02: 30:39

I don't know if I could if I could pee in front of everybody or an I think uh golden showers are are more mainstream now. Well, our president like got golden showers. We know he did.

SPEAKER_01: 30:51

I mean it's quite common that it was something I did regularly as a pro dom, and that was over 10 years ago.

SPEAKER_02: 31:00

Like being being asked to this was a request, common request to be oh yes, I would pee on someone or in their mouth, which is kind of like a golden shower, but more direct. Correct. Was that a common request? Peeing in the mouth.

SPEAKER_01: 31:17

Yes. It was something. It's a degradation thing for people and they enjoy it. I'd also recommend it a lot because I thought it was really fun to do. I bet. I bet. There's a little T. So good questions. What else is super common? Okay. I don't even know if I'd consider this a kink. Men wearing women's panties. So common. Men wearing women's laundry. I made a video about it because I get a lot of, as a coach, I get a lot of women contacting me saying, my husband I caught my husband or boyfriend wearing my panties. And I talk them down from the ledge of like, okay, look, I know that's shocking. It can be jarring. I'm sorry that you didn't consent to having him wear your panties. Like that wasn't okay. But I want you to know this is very common. It doesn't mean because there's so many misconceptions. Oh, he's gay. He's a freak. I hate even seeing these things, saying these things because it's so sad to me. But once I normalize it for the person, they start to realize, okay, it is common. I had a video go viral on it. I got dozens of DMs from people saying, thank you for putting this out there. I like to wear women's panties. And there are so many reasons. So I think that's much, it's interesting. I just think more people are doing it than are talking about it. So it's not mainstream yet, but there are now companies making men's lacy lingerie because some for some people they like the feel. And like women get really soft material that men don't have the same access to. They like the lace. Some men have told me that they like it because it makes them feel closer to their partner wearing it. That's an interesting one for me because I can't relate to it, but I like the perspective that I'd never considered before.

SPEAKER_02: 32:55

Women love to put their their boyfriend's button-up shirts on or their like t-shirts on. It's like, or I I mean, I don't know. I've seen lots of girls put on their guys' boxers and wear them around his shorts.

SPEAKER_01: 33:10

That's a hundred percent true. And that's like the other argument of like, why do we need undergarments to be gendered at all? Like, if women can wear boxers, like men can't wear, I don't know, a lacy thong. Right.

SPEAKER_02: 33:23

Well, that's just society deeming. That's how these things become kinks. Like I was thinking about it the other day. Again, my last in my last partnership was the first time I encountered someone who was like, Oh, I've got a foot fetish. And it was almost he was kind of open about it from the beginning. And it was almost for me like a maybe this isn't my thing person. Like, I don't know if I can date someone who has this. And this was, of course, I've come a long way since those days. And I was thinking about it the other day, and I was thinking, well, if someone tells you they have a foot foot fetish, maybe like your first approach should be, okay, well, I want you to pay for me to go get a nice pedicure, like once a month. Like, make the most out of it, even if you're like, I don't know if it's my thing. And and then you get the opportunity to explore someone's body with something other than your hands. You know what I mean? What an interesting experience when you really think about it. Because I don't know, eroticism is fun when we stop just like doing the obvious, using our hands, like put pressing our bodies against each other, pressing our bodies against different areas of each other. For two vulva owners, when women are having sex with women, like you always see scissoring, which is you know vulva against vulva. But in actuality, a lot of uh vulva on vulva sex can or well, sex with two vulva owners can be grinding against a hip or a thigh or a breast. Like you can grind against anything. Why wouldn't you use your feet to explore someone's body or penis or vulvas well? As long as they're clean, welcome, go get your petty, get a good pedicure or regular pedicures out of it.

SPEAKER_01: 35:08

That's it's so funny you say that. That is the exact type of like mediating advice or convincing advice I use because it allows both people to take pleasure in this new venture, right? Instead of it just being one-sided. That is amazing advice. Yeah, go get your pedicure out of it, give it a try.

SPEAKER_02: 35:25

Yeah, when you're just putting feet on a dick, like how big of a deal is it?

SPEAKER_01: 35:31

Come on. It's actually like yoga position uh or butterfly position. Well, I know.

unknown: 35:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 35:37

Oh, I know. It's you will also end up with really toned thighs, strong lower back, contract your abs while you're doing it, folks. Super important.

SPEAKER_01: 35:49

I mean, that could be an episode in itself of like, here's the fitness, like go work on these things, or you don't even need to. This is like the exercise you can do. Exactly. Yeah. So, oh, all good questions. I'm like, what else am I has so normal to me that I cannot think of right now? I don't know. I I think women just being in a more dominant position, I'm really enjoying seeing the rise of that.

SPEAKER_02: 36:13

The femme dom, what are we talking about? That is one of the absolute biggest kinks, fetishes, whatever you want to call it, that is on the rise, and more men admitting uh that they want a woman to take charge in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_01: 36:32

Yes. The unfortunate thing is there's a gap right now. The men are admitting it, the women are still catching up, right? But I'm working with a lot of women who want to learn how to be more dominant in the bedroom. And it's a confidence issue, which I understand. When you're put in charge, it's hard to know what to say, how to act, how to touch, how to move, and to really own your own voice when you haven't typically felt that confidence before. I was just talking to someone earlier this week about how I make a way better dom in my mid-30s than I did in my mid-20s because I have so much confidence and life experience. And sometimes people need to be guided through that. But I'm very optimistic that we're gonna have like more of a match with fem doms on the rise.

SPEAKER_02: 37:16

So I want to comment on that because in my queer life and my queer relationships, I am considered pretty, pretty high femme, if you will, as a queer woman. And I have been seeing someone who is more masked. And we were having this conversation how so many uh mask queer fems, lesbians, it's assumed that because they present masks, that they are gonna be dominant. And that isn't necessarily what they want at all. That and that it's like the unicorn to look for the queer femme who wants to be dominant in the bedroom. Because I do think that a lot of women equate, and you hear it out there in the fucking far right world a lot, where in order to be feminine, you need to be soft. Yes, let me tell you guys. I'm feminine as fuck. I'm not always soft in the bedroom, and I have yet to have a complaint, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 38:24

Exactly. And that rhetoric, it even gets into my head of like, I don't I don't feel soft in a lot of my life. So I feel less feminine because of it. Even though if you ask anyone around me, they'd be like, Yeah, you're feminine. I that even fucks with my mind too. I'm so glad you're calling that out. So, yeah, what you just described is something I guess I hadn't even really thought about. The challenges that you might face, or someone who like is pretty mask faces in finding that specific mix. Sometimes that's what makes kink hard. Just all of society expects what you're expected to be, and then finding your niche, like your authentic self, getting to be your authentic self with such a mix of different sides of you.

SPEAKER_02: 39:10

I mean, I spent years trying to figure out like how do I mix like the truth about my authentic self is I do have this really strong personality and dom side. And yet I present super feminine and I love being feminine, but it is interesting when you let go of the conditioning. And here is where I think the kinky high comes from is you are combining the high of being confident and powerful with the high of being super feminine and being able to control people with your femininity, and then you bring it into the bedroom and you get to tell someone what to do and have them like worship you and pleasure you, and that's hot as fuck. I'm just saying. Or you get to do whatever you want to them, you get to do whatever you want.

SPEAKER_01: 40:54

I like it. Yeah, don't knock it before you try it, you know. And I know there's like that little that moment of like confidence, but what when you were describing it, I was like, it's kind of like when you go to a bar and someone buys you a drink or sort of falls over themselves to come talk to you.

SPEAKER_02: 41:09

It's like that, but times 10 because you are Yeah, and imagine if they buy the drink for you and then you tell them to get down on their knees and like lick your pussy while you drink it, hot. And they do while looking up at you, starry-eyed while you're drinking your drink.

SPEAKER_01: 41:28

It's beautiful, and it's not just a fantasy, you can make this happen and enjoy the yourself.

SPEAKER_02: 41:35

So, yeah, I think that the the fem dom is totally on the rise, and more people want it, are looking for it. Yeah, that is definitely a mainstream thing. Men uh exploring their prostate. I think that has been unfortunately more in the kink realm and the um pegging and stuff like that is starting. I've been watching Hunter Wives. I don't know if you're watching it, but I cannot wait to watch tonight. There's a great pegging scene that I couldn't even help but get excited about.

SPEAKER_01: 42:05

Oh and the way that caught me off guard completely. And I was like, you go, girl. I don't like you at all, but I have a win this scene now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 42:16

Oh my God. And because that man is he's a big, strong, burly, manly man and hot and just taking it like a man. It was it was amazing. And and that in itself, that's I guess the there you go. There is the mainstreaming of something kinky that is happening through our media. Baby Girl is, I think the name is that was that the name of the show, Nicole Kidman was it. Also, guys, go watch that. That is a great kink, a kinky show that came out.

SPEAKER_01: 42:46

Yeah, I loved Baby Girl because so many. Here's wow, I feel like I've just come on your podcast to rant, but like, let's go like getting on my soapbox again. So many people expect kink to just work out, right? And the Dom is gonna be in charge and he's gonna know everything to do. And this sub can just be this little doe-eyed idiot who doesn't stand up for themselves and it takes no ownership of what's about to happen, right? So once again, this movie comes in, and even though the guy is young, there's this expectation, well, he's a Dom, he should know everything. And I literally want to shake people when this comes up because I'm like, are you fucking kidding me right now? Let's just work with the fact that, all right, Dom man, we're acting like women should not be empowered, they should not be advocating for themselves, advocating for their own safety. And yes, in an ideal world, he would have known everything and it would have been perfect. But baby girl was a realistic representation of what kink and exploring it can be like. People are embarrassed to bring this up in their marriages, so they explore it outside. So the cheating, that alone is understandable, relatable. I will say that, right? The whirlwind of an exciting, passionate affair, like it moves fast just like it did in the movie. And the idea, I heard my most hated criticism of that movie is are you telling me Antonio Banderas wouldn't do whatever Nicole Kidman wanted, like in terms of her being submissive? And I'm like, yes, that is exactly how it happens in real life. Those are my clients, and it does like people don't just acquiesce to what their partner wants. There needs to be discussion. So like I have a lot of rants on that because so many people came out with that preconceived notion that the Dom needs to know everything, and that's just not real life.

SPEAKER_02: 44:27

No, a lot of DOMs learn by being submissive first. I would say a lot of the things I learned came from having submissive experiences first and then being like, not only can I do that, I think I can do it better.

unknown: 44:41

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 44:43

That was my thought. Yeah, I live. It's like, thank you for being my training ground now. Let me go be the master of this. Yeah, I think that, but also just asking the sub what they want. Like that's so overlooked, but really important. Because you learn one too.

SPEAKER_02: 44:59

Because being a sub and being a dom can look very different.

unknown: 45:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 45:04

It's every situation. It's not like there's a cut cookie cutter. Here's what you do. It I mean, there are different dynamics. There are pleasure DOMs, pleasure subs. There's people who really want impact, people who who want humiliation, people who, you know, there's all sorts of ways that it can go and be.

SPEAKER_01: 45:23

Yeah. And you can be one, you can be both. Like I'm a switch, you're a switch, right? The type of Dom I am is not the type of Dom I'd look for as a sub. And yeah. So like there's just it's so interchangeable, customizable. That's another circling back to the gatekeepers. That is what really annoys me too. This idea that kink can only look one way. Because that's just simply not true.

SPEAKER_02: 45:47

So to sum this up, kink is for everyone who wants to be involved. It's for everybody who, but it's up to you whether or not that is an area you want to move into. There is no look. You have to have. I am telling you right now, some of some of the most kinkiest encounters I have been have been with conservative people. This is not something that liberal, you know, only liberal people do. This is everybody is into it, wants it. Some people may have a harder time saying that out loud or being open about it. Can you give, at this point in the conversation, my listeners who are listening to this, and they're like, okay, but I have these wants and these needs. I just don't know how to jump into it. Give them a starter kit for kinktober. What is their starter kit to take the opportunity that this month allows and to start dipping their toes into the kinky world?

SPEAKER_01: 46:52

Okay, so I actually do have a free starter kit called Speaking Your Desires with Confidence on Amandadames.com, my website. They can go there and it's basically a worksheet for you and your partner to work through where you think about your own fantasies and desires. You think about your communication style, you think about your boundaries, and you go through all of that for yourself first. And then you come together with your partner and then you work on a journey that you're going to go on together. It's like, okay, where do our desires overlap? How can I help you experience the feelings you want to feel? How can you do that for me? But at a very high level, here's what I say lead with curiosity and with gratitude. Ask your partner, hey, are there any fantasies you've ever been curious about exploring? Whether or not they share anything. I think you should say, well, thanks for considering it and taking my question seriously. I'd like to share one of mine. And then that's your segue to introduce it. And the thing that I recommend people do, man or woman, it doesn't matter. Lead with your feelings. I like to feel taken. I like to feel secure. I want to feel a little scared. So lead with the feeling you want and then introduce the kink that you think might make you feel that way, right? Because I think that if you you just say, I want you to go sleep with somebody else, you know, like for a cuck holding example, that might be a little jarring for someone because it might introduce the idea, like, oh, do you not want to have sex with me? You think that you want to outsource it to somebody else? But if you are into cuck holding and you say, I enjoy playing with the idea of feeling embarrassed or humiliated during sex, and the way that would I would feel that way is if you went and slept with somebody else, I'd like to talk about that fantasy. That's that's your segue, that's your introduction conversation, and you go from there. Yeah. So that's that's my starter pack.

SPEAKER_02: 48:45

That's great. And and I will share that link because it's super important to start having conversations with your partner. There's no getting around that, by the way. Guys, there's just like being able to communicate with your partner. There's no getting around it. I think deep down, so many people are like, I don't want to have to talk about it. I just want it to happen. It's not gonna happen if you don't figure out how to communicate, right?

SPEAKER_01: 49:09

Yeah, they so many people want to hint at it. I mean, like, we just want people to know. That's the fantasy, that's the ultimate fantasy. Oh, this person's just gonna know exactly what I want, and we never have to have a conversation. But of all the fantasies, that's the least realistic one. Like, that's never gonna happen. People need to communicate.

SPEAKER_02: 49:28

Thank you so much for joining me today. Can you give my listeners everywhere they can find you, um, including your podcast? Because a great way also to dive into this month and learn more is by listening to people like the two of us and checking out our podcasts.

SPEAKER_01: 49:47

Yeah, I'm happy to find me on Instagram, well, social media as the underscore kink consultant on Instagram, and then all one word the kink consultant on TikTok. The podcast is the Kink Consultant Podcast. You can find that anywhere you get podcasts. And then finally, Amandadames.com for my freebies. If you want to book a session, if you want, I offer some courses, some intro courses. So if you're looking for an intro to kink, you can find it at amandadames.com as well.

unknown: 50:16

Perfect.

SPEAKER_02: 50:17

All right, guys, you are set up for Kingtober. This episode is a perfect way to lead into it. Take advantage of just the fun opportunity to get playful and explore with your partner. And and I will be sending you lots of stuff via my Substack newsletter and my e newsletter. So you want to sign up for it if you haven't already, scroll down to the links below. You're gonna find them, sign up because I will be sending lots of different kink guides, lots of different ideas for toys, equipment, and props. They're always fun outfits. Uh, you don't want to miss out. So listen, welcome to Kinktober. And until next time, I will see you all in the locker room. Cheers.

SPEAKER_00: 51:01

Cheers right now.