Butt Stuff 101: The Beginner’s Guide to Pleasure (Without the Awkwardness)

Curious about butt stuff but don’t know where to start? You’re not alone. In this beginner-friendly guide, I sit down with Tim Lagman, certified sex educator and host of Sex Ed With Tim, to break down how to make backdoor play fun, safe, and yes—seriously pleasurable.

Together we cover:
 ✅ How to warm up the right way
 ✅ What lube + toys make it easy and enjoyable
 ✅ Tips to keep things sexy (not awkward)
 ✅ How to let go of shame and actually enjoy it

This isn’t about porn myths—it’s about real pleasure, confidence, and connection. Whether you’re curious or ready to dive in, you’ll leave knowing exactly how to do it right.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Anal Sex Stigmas
• 6:26 Why Anal Sex Remains Taboo
• 12:45 How Shame Blocks Intimacy
• 20:35 Hygiene and Preparation Tips
• 30:25 Techniques for Beginners
• 41:20 Anatomy and Pleasure Potential
• 54:25 Starting the Conversation and Conclusion

Transcript

Speaker 2: 1:03

Do the sex pleasure and desire Around here. Nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends and, of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you, and if you're new, welcome to my podcast. Where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now let's talk about sex Cheers.

Speaker 2: 1:38

Today's Talk Sex with Annette topic is let's talk about butts why the stigma around anal sex still fucks us all. Let's be honest If there's one part of the body that still freaks people out in bed, it's the butt Anal sex. It's joked about, stigmatized, fetishized and still somehow treated like a dirty little secret. And even in sex positive circles there's this weird hesitation. Like you can be kinky, but not too kinky. Like we're still tiptoeing around something that's actually incredibly common, incredibly pleasurable and incredibly misunderstood. So today we're going there, and by there I mean straight into the cultural and emotional minefield that is the stigma around anal sex, around anal sex.

Speaker 2: 2:26

Joining me is the brilliant, hilarious and deeply insightful Tim Lagman, a sex educator, host of Sex Ed with Tim podcast and a powerhouse voice in the pleasure positive movement.

Speaker 2: 2:41

He teaches workshops and has built a platform focused on busting taboos with humor, honesty and just the right amount of lube. Three of my favorite things we're unpacking why this one sex act still carries so much cultural baggage, how that shame shows up in our everyday lives, and how reclaiming anal pleasure isn't just about sex. It's about freedom, safety and self-acceptance. So whether you're curious, kinky or still carrying some of that inherited discomfort, this episode is for you. But before we dive in and I introduce my wonderful guest, I want to remind you I'm over on OnlyFans, where I am sharing my sex and intimacy, how-tos, demonstrations and audio-guided self-pleasure meditations and so much more, in an effort to help you reclaim your pleasure and start having better sex. Tonight you can find me there and on the sub stack with the handle at TalkSexWithAnette. But for now, tim, I would love it if you could tell my listeners a little bit more about you.

Speaker 1: 3:43

Hi, annette, thank you so much for having me on your show, and to all of your wonderful, lovely listeners, hello, hello, hello. My name is Tim Lagman. I am the host of the Sex Ed with Tim podcast recently awarded a Canadian Podcast Award.

Speaker 2: 3:58

I love that. Congratulations.

Speaker 1: 4:00

Thank you very much. Centered around all things sex and pleasure, mainly with a focus on LGBTQIA plus sexuality, HIV AIDS awareness and I just love talking everything anal.

Speaker 2: 4:18

I feel very honored to have you here to talk about it and to help my listeners have a better understanding and maybe start enjoying some anal for themselves as well. Hey guys, as always, you're gonna wanna stay to the end because, look, as a cis woman who was bisexual, pansexual and has dated many cis men, I know your secret. I know your dirty little secret. Sometimes you ask about my ass before you ask about my vagina. That's just the truth. So I know you're out there listening. You know maybe in the closet about it right now, but you want to go there.

Speaker 2: 4:54

And so by the end of this episode, whether you're someone like me who's trying to figure out how to maybe encourage their partner to, you know, play with the back door, or you're somebody who's like, oh, I want to try it, but I'm scared for all of these reasons, by the end of this episode, we're going to give you like a little grab bag of like tricks, tips for going there sooner rather than later. So I'm ready about this. Are you ready to talk about butt stuff? I'm so ready. All right, let's talk about anal sex. Cheers, cheers. We're going to talk about the stigma, right. So I'd like for you to help me kind of explore why anal sex is still the ultimate taboo in so many people's mind. So why do you think anal sex continues to be treated like this secret shame, even though so many people are doing it and so many people of all genders and sexual orientations?

Speaker 1: 5:57

Well, for one thing, anal sex is seen as quote-unquote, unnatural and unclean, which is simply not true, because what is natural, what is?

Speaker 1: 6:10

you know normal right. And there's this whole conversation around anal sex being like, oh, because it doesn't lead to reproductive ends, that means it should be forbidden. So there's a lot of shame that surrounds anal sex because of all these, like you know, social stigmas and religious scripts that surround anal sex. And there's even, like this, fear that, say, a straight man is interested in anal sex, then they're like, oh, I must be gay or I must be feminine, but that's simply not true. Like you can still be straight and engage in anal sex because guess what straight guys You're still having sex with a woman. Guess what? That's straight Mind-blowing. And there's also this fundamental lack of anal sex within sex education because we as a society are so focused on reproduction, heterosexuality and abstinence-only sex, or even, like the STIs around sex, we don't actually talk about pleasure. So we really need to do a lot of work to change that. Anal is fun.

Speaker 2: 7:38

Right, it's fun and your sexual orientation is not affected by where you feel pleasure. Right For the cis men out there who are heterosexual and feel the fear that by enjoying feel pleasure. Right For the cis men out there who are heterosexual and feel the fear that by enjoying anal pleasure it means something where you feel pleasure. It does not define your sexual orientation, who you are attracted to and want to be. So how much of the stigma do you think is rooted in homophobia as well and gender roles?

Speaker 1: 8:08

Again with anal, anal sex. There's this perceived notion that if a guy is into anal then he's taking on like the submissive role, and submission means feminine and what's the worst thing for a guy to be then feminine? Right, just total bullshit. So when they want to even like play around with the idea of anal, they're thinking am I less of a man? I may not necessarily be gay, but I don't think I'm masculine anymore because I'm asking to be in a submissive, receptive role in sex. And it perpetuates more shame and it perpetuates this lack of sexual exploration and basically leads to just a linear thinking of sex should be this. Sex should be that and nothing more. It cannot enter the back door and I should just be the penetrative partner, speaking as like a straight cis man, that I should only be as a penetrative partner and that's so limiting.

Speaker 2: 9:21

Exactly, and I think with there are so many, especially in the heterosexual community. There are so many couples that are dissatisfied with intimacy and sex because it gets boring, right, it gets boring when you're doing one thing or you're not willing to explore bodies and pleasure zones, and so that is something we should talk about. Why, what is the motivation for exploring anal sex? Obviously, there are pleasure zones on both bodies that are stimulated through anal sex, but let's sell it. Let's sell it to people who are like, why would I want to do that? Or curious, but they're like, why wouldn't I just stick it in the, you know, in the vag or in the mouth, which? Let's go back to your comment about it, the stigma, because it doesn't lead to reproduction. I mean, every guy wants a blowjob.

Speaker 2: 10:15

You're not complaining about that then I guarantee you, when the seed goes in the mouth, no one's getting knocked up.

Speaker 1: 10:22

So with anal sex. It's pleasurable for so many different reasons, right, it's pleasurable for so many different reasons, right? Well, for one thing, when you look at the anus all of these like nerve endings right at the entry hole it is just so sensitive and so receptive to even the lightest touch that it can send shocks and waves of pleasure through your body just by a little tiny touch. And when we also think about anal, we shouldn't also be thinking just the whole. We can also look at anal and butt stuff as the glutes and the cheeks, because there's so much to do with that. Like, I love a good butt massage. I love when my ass is kneaded. It is like percussively massaged. I love when my butt is slapped. I like it when it's pinched. There's just so much sensations that you can play around with. Let's not forget that if you're a guy listening to this, your prostate, the ultimate pleasure spot, can be accessed through the butt. So I think we're going to get into that a little bit, but yes, yeah, absolutely I love that idea.

Speaker 2: 11:35

I guess when I came into this conversation I didn't think about the, you know, just really thinking about anal play and anal sex in this holistic way, of course, you know, including the butt cheeks, and I love a good spanking. I love a good spanking. I love a good spanking when I've got a butt plug in.

Speaker 1: 11:52

Come on a cute little butt plug and someone's spanking me oh my god, the best I love when I have like a little tail and then I'm like getting slapped and he's like bad boy, like I'm a dog no, it's pet play.

Speaker 2: 12:11

I have not done, I have not done a podcast on that yet I'm gonna cue that one up. So listeners stay tuned. It's a thing. It's a thing because it's all play, right, it's fun. I'd like to like point out we're talking about anal sex and I'm sure the first thing that comes to a lot of people's mind is penis and butt or dildo and butt, but anal sex, as I, I'm sure the first thing that comes to a lot of people's mind is penis and butt or dildo and butt, but anal sex, as I talk about on this show all the time, sex isn't just about the P and the V or the dildo and it's not just about the thing in the hole. Obviously there's fingering, there's licking, there's again just having a butt plug in while someone's you know, having sex with you in other ways. That's all anal. It's all part of the sexual experience, right?

Speaker 1: 13:00

Absolutely, because we want to think of sex as inherently penetrative, when in reality, sex can be whatever you want it to be. Sex is for your own making. You and your partner or partners are making this space and molding it however you want it to, and if that includes the butt, then so be be it.

Speaker 2: 13:28

Then so be it. If it doesn't, you should consider it right.

Speaker 1: 13:33

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 13:34

So we've talked a little bit about physically what people are missing out on by experiencing shame around anal sex and avoiding it, but I want to talk about what people are actually missing out on because of the anal stigma. Beyond just the sex, let's talk emotionally and relationship-wise.

Speaker 1: 14:00

When people are not vocalizing what their needs and wants are. If you are struggling to tell your partner what you are wanting to explore, that's going to build and snowball into more relationship problems. It's going to impede intimacy, you're going to be unable to live authentically and you're not going to be as vocal about your other needs beyond sex. You know what, if you're actually like okay, it starts with okay, I'm not going to tell you that I want anal sex. What else should I not tell you? Maybe I don't want to tell you that I want to go out on a date. Maybe that means I don't want to tell you I want cuddles, or maybe that I just want to tell you I don't want to have sex and I just want you know personal space. And I just want you know personal space when we are so hesitant to tell our partner about our needs and our wants.

Speaker 2: 15:57

We become more hesitant to live as our true selves in the relationship and that always accumulates in a way that is harmful to a relationship and eventually shuts down sex. I have so many men, specifically on my YouTube channel at TalkSexWithAnette, who leave comments or send me comments or email me and talk about because I'm always saying women want more sex than y'all think and they're just like no, they don't. And part of the thing that leads to women saying they don't want to have sex is this inability to communicate or feeling shamed for wanting something. And this is a great example, like when you have shame around something or someone acts like it's like crazy and weird, like butt stuff. It shuts down the communication and then people don't want to have sex. Because who wants to have sex if they're going to feel ashamed about everything they want to do, right yeah? Or scared to communicate it?

Speaker 1: 16:55

And if you're scared to communicate, how am I going to know what you want? I'm not a mind reader, I'm sorry, but you need to tell me. And what's the worst that can happen? When you tell me what you want and I just don't seem to be into it, I say no, that we move on to other things, that we move on to other things. It's not like I'm going to, you know, send you to the public stocks where you're publicly shamed and like you know the game of thrones shame, shame. I'm not gonna do that, not a monster. And that seems to be the prevalent fear is when we say our innermost desires and we're. We fear judgment, we fear rejection and we fear loss. And we need to communicate these so that we and our partners can work together through that fear, so that we're able to communicate our needs a lot more authentically.

Speaker 2: 18:08

Right. So anal sex can bring you together is what we're saying. I mean it teaches you how to communicate shaming and rejecting, which means, even if you don't move forward with anal sex, you've discussed it in a healthy way and you're closer for it. But I would say, when you touch each other's butts you're going to get closer.

Speaker 1: 18:36

Honestly, if the world just was more open to anal, we'd end world war, we would end hunger. We'd end poverty.

Speaker 2: 18:49

I mean, you believe in it, maybe a little bit more than I do. Spread the love, got it, got it, got it, yeah. So shame doesn't just block pleasure, it also blocks connection and trust and healthy relationships. And so I guarantee you, in most couples there's one person who's thinking about a little butt stuff. So tonight you need to go home, sit down with your partner and say, hey, I just need to know, are you thinking about my ass?

Speaker 1: 19:25

Are you thinking about smelling it, about tasting it, about just looking at it? I just want to know is my ass that attractive to you?

Speaker 2: 19:35

If it's not. I don't want to know, I mean, there are so many times like when I'm in 69, which is one of my favorite, one of my favorite positions, but I'm like dang, they're like, they're get that's, that's, that's most of what they're going to be seeing, right, if their mouth is on my vulva, then my asshole is right there.

Speaker 1: 19:56

I mean, that's all you're looking at, Just the next bridge over, Isn't it Right, Right there.

Speaker 2: 20:01

And I will say this I've noticed even the men who are like I'm not into butt stuff. They start spreading and I'm like there is only one thing you're trying to look at more, and that is my asshole. Yeah, that's right so we cannot talk about anal sex and anal play without talking about poop and the idea of cleanliness and all of that stuff. So let's dive in to poop.

Speaker 1: 20:26

When it comes to anal, and cleanliness and hygiene is something you're worried about. That's totally normal. It's fine. However, you should also remember that it's a totally natural thing to happen. You know, I've had it happen to me before where the guy was fucking me and then he pulled out and there's just a little bit of shit on his dick and oops, guess what?

Speaker 1: 20:52

we're just going to take a shower or baby wipes and then we're going to move right on we just keep going I understand that it can be a little of a turnoff for someone who is just starting out and you know it's fine to freak out. However, the key to that is when the partner is the. The partner who is freaking out starts to like show anxiety. Another partner needs to like maintain the neutrality of the situation, say, hey, guess what, it's normal, it's fine, because anxiety just compounds more anxiety. So one partner has to be like hey, babe, it's fine.

Speaker 1: 21:33

We're good, it's totally normal. If you do want to reduce any sort of poop incidents, I have a few suggestions. One is your diet. So that means eating more like bulky fibrous vegetables, so your leafy green, take there if you have some sort of allergies or anything. Uh, other substitutes can be like fiber supplements. Uh, that can really help bulk up your stool so that when you're eating something that's allergies or anything, other substitutes can be like fiber supplements that can really help bulk up your stool so that when you do have a bowel movement it's as little residue as possible.

Speaker 1: 22:14

And a lot of the time we think about anal as like, yeah, it is diet, but it's all. It is also gut health. So, making sure that your gut biome, your flora, is in check. So you know, check with your doctor to see how your gut is doing. Try not to eat right away or right before sex, because that means, uh, your body's already digesting and then, who knows, within the hour, hour like, you might have a bowel movement during anal sex. You know, just like, just like swimming, you don't. You don't eat an hour before you dive deep into the water, just like an anal. You don't eat an hour before you start having anal sex.

Speaker 1: 22:59

And then there's also the question of like, rinsing out or douching. I am very much like well, what is your comfort level? Some people like to douche, some people don't. Really, there is no quote-unquote need for douching, because if your gut health and your diet are all in check, you should be fine. However, for that extra little bit of peace of mind, definitely invest in a douche. These are also known as enemas. They come in little water balloon-shaped devices with a nozzle that you can insert and you can rinse out. You don't need so much water to fill up your entire rectum, you only need a little bit of like. Maybe this much water like for those of you that are listening like two, three inches in your rectal cavity at them. You should be fine. Rinse out until there's no more feces that are coming out.

Speaker 1: 24:08

And for those of you that are a little more adventurous, there is something called a shower shot, which is a douche that connects directly to your shower head. If you are going to do, please use lube. You don't want to go and dry. Or even if you're just tryingube, you don't want to go and dry. Or even if you're just trying anal, you don't want to go and dry. I'm personally a fan of Pure P-J-U-R. They have a certain lube called Backdoor, so already designed for anal or anything that's supposed to go up the butt.

Speaker 1: 24:39

And, last but not least, breathe. It is so important for you to relax during anal because if you are tense, your whole is going to reflect that you are going to tighten up. Nothing is coming in, nothing is coming out. It is termetically sealed. It is like a bank vault. If you are tense, so breathe, let your body relax and if you are the receptive partner in anal sex, make sure to vocalize to the penetrating partner. This is what I'm feeling right now. I need you to go slow. I need you or it's okay for you to go a little faster, because you are the master of your butthole. They're not going to know what your butthole is feeling what your hole is. Is it too big, is it too wide, too deep? You have to tell that. So just a few things to keep in mind.

Speaker 2: 25:32

So I'm going to go back to the prep. You gave some great tips. My question is this We'll talk about when I prep, because I'm like I know this person is going to and we'll talk about this later. You know, with the unexpected fingers up the ass. I don't know if this happens to all genders and sexualities, but I know that cis women who are banging cis heterosexual men, like, always get. We always complain about the surprise finger up the ass because they all really want to get to the ass but they don't want to talk about it. So here we are, you know, having great oral sex and the next thing we know it's like you know. So if I think that might happen, I like to do a little prep. You talked about the douche is so. Typically what I've done is just use one of those bottles lube on the tip and use warm water and just rinsed out, sort of that you know, just the.

Speaker 2: 26:32

What did you say? Like an inch, two inches in. Is that appropriate, or is there some sort of solution that you suggest?

Speaker 1: 26:44

appropriate or is there some sort of solution that you suggest? Water is fine, like mostly because it's neutral. You don't want anything with any added solutions to it. A common solution that I've heard people use is fleet. However, I believe it's got a little bit of salinity to it. I've never used fleet, so if you are going to use fleet at your drugstore, make sure to empty up the contents.

Speaker 2: 27:07

Regular water is fine I'm right yeah because I think fleet like, if you use what's in it, then you're you're gonna make things worse, meaning like you think that you're cleaning yourself out and what you're doing is cleaning your whole body out all night long and that's going to suck for you and your date. So just plain water, right, and then rinse until the water is clear. If that's what you want to do for comfort, it's pretty easy to do. It's pretty easy to do. But the caveat here is that even with that, there is the possibility that poop will happen, at least to some extent, and adults should understand that Also.

Speaker 2: 27:50

my advice is think of it in terms of like. Sometimes you're having sex If you're heterosexual or bisexual man. You, if you're having sex with someone with a vagina, you know blood comes out of that. I mean body fluids happen in sex. Sex is messy and messy is sexy.

Speaker 1: 28:10

Exactly, just get over it. Make like a bridge and get over it.

Speaker 2: 28:15

There you go. I like it. So I mean, let's actually talk about that now. For people who want to dip their toe in the water, first of all, let's talk about how that can happen. If you're a beginner, you brought up lube. What should someone look for before you go sticking anything into a butt? Butts don't self-lubricate, right. So you need, you need lube and you need a lot of it. Can you talk about what to look for in a lube?

Speaker 1: 28:47

So I am a personal fan of any lube that is silicone-based, mostly because that is longer lasting. Lasting because with silicone I in my experience at least I didn't need to reapply as much, whereas if it is water-based the lube will be absorbed by the skin, so you will need to keep reapplying. So, personally, go for silicone, but avoid silicone toys if you're going to be using silicone. If you are just using a toy, water-based is totally fine. Hybrid lubes are also good. If you are using an oil-based lube, don't use that with condoms, because the oil will break down the condom. Also, look out for any sort of funky chemicals in lube. I always struggle to say this Phthalate, phthalate, yeah, because a lot of lubes have all these harmful chemicals that should not be going in the body. Some have glycerin, which is basically what is used in rocket fuel. So we want to look out for for chemicals and ingredients that we're not familiar with. I'm personally not a fan of flavored lube.

Speaker 1: 30:12

When it comes to anal mostly because I find that it gets sticky. So if you are going to be using flavored lube, try to keep it external and nothing inserting. And if you do use silicone, it's great for the shower because you don't have to keep reapplying. So if you if mess is another thing and they're like you know what, uh, I'm feeling like something could come out use silicone lube, have anal in the shower and if there is poop, guess what? You got running water and then you're ready to go again right.

Speaker 2: 30:47

So maybe that's a good idea for someone who wants to try it the first time and they're kind of freaked out by the quote messiness of it is doing it.

Speaker 1: 31:02

I mean, I'm personally a fan of lying down during sex me too. So if you got a, a big shower where you can lie down on the floor, power to you. But yes, uh, having sex in the shower. Uh, using silicone lube instead of water-based lube, so that the lube lasts a lot longer, because silicone will not be easily washed away, which is another caveat I want to give to people. If you are using silicone lube, be ready to, like, do laundry for hours on end, because it is hard to get off your sheets, that's a good, that's a good warning right.

Speaker 1: 32:43

So if you are going to be using silicone in your sex, lay down some sheets that you don't mind getting messy or invest in a waterproof sheet. There are sex stores out there that have sheets that are designed for the messiness that is anal and silicone mess.

Speaker 2: 33:04

Right, right, and I know this shouldn't need to be said, but I'm going to say it because I know that it does need to be said. Spit is not enough.

Speaker 1: 33:17

No, it's not. It dries up, and your skin will absorb it. I mean, like water-based is is great. So there are like water-based lubes that will mimic certain bodily fluids, if you're into that.

Speaker 2: 33:40

There you go, you heard it here Find those. So how should one go about having their first relationship, penetrative experience? I mean, a lot of people are, you know, afraid of the pain. They're, like my butthole's, too small for that. Can we talk about working up to penetrative experiences to take away? Because I think there is also, along with shame we've talked about shame there's fear, fear of the messiness, but also the experience, fear of the messiness, but also the experience.

Speaker 1: 34:16

The fear of pain is another thing and, again, totally normal. So you've had the conversation that you and your partner are ready to have anal sex, what's the first thing that you do? Go low and go slow. So that means don't ram it all in right away. That is super, not fun, not safe. You want to start from the outside, going in. So, like I said earlier, butt massages are great. They're great because when everyone loves a good massage, right.

Speaker 1: 34:54

It allows for blood circulation, and that blood circulation allows you to relax, promotes all these fun relaxing hormones and chemicals in your body to circulate, and then, when you're relaxed, you can start to work your way towards the hole, but not insert right away. I'm a big fan of the doorbell method, where it's just like pressing on the hole and then releasing Literally. Just that feels really really good. Another way to play with the hole is to play around the edge of it with your finger, so a lot of like drawing a flower around your bowl is a really fun way with your finger or your tongue, however you want.

Speaker 1: 35:42

When you're ready to penetrate, though, it's important for the receptive partner to breathe and relax, because, as I said before, when you are tense, your whole will feel that. So it is important for you to breathe deep, slow breaths, and you, as the receptive partner, need to guide the penetrating partner to say how deep and how fast. Do not have the like you know, the audacity to be like, go all the way, and I want all of you as much as hard as that is if you are just starting out start with just the tip. I know we as a society joke with just the tip, but it is actually.

Speaker 2: 36:31

It's amazing. I mean whatever, whatever, wherever you're putting just the tip, it's always. It's always. Let's say I mean whatever, whatever, wherever you're putting just the tip, it's always. It's always.

Speaker 1: 36:38

Chef's kiss right, exactly, and it's just the tip. And even that can feel a little overwhelming for first-time anal sex habbers, because the sensation is akin to feeling like you're going to shit. So if you've done all of the prep and you've done all of the diet and have the baby wipes on hand, it is still going to feel like you're going to shit. That's okay, that's totally normal. Just stay, still Tell your partner to not go in any deeper and just stay right there, breathe and let your body and your whole get acclimated to whatever is being inserted, whether it's a penis or a dildo. Just stay right there and you're going to stay right there for as long as it needs.

Speaker 1: 37:33

It can be five seconds, it can five minutes. You are the master of your body and you are responsible for telling your partner. My body is responding in a very specific way. This is what I need right now, so you can either tell them to pull out or they can start to come in. Only then, when you feel relaxed, can you actually start to go deeper and then you can start to explore more nascu, you and I definitely have different bodies, different equipment.

Speaker 2: 38:07

I know, for me, uh, what I really love to do when I'm having anal sex is like to stimulate my clit while they're going in and that like increases my experience of pleasure and makes it my, you know, then my whole body is opening up more. How does that so for people with penises? Is it sort of the same mechanism at hand? Can like playing with their penis happen while penetration is happening, or is it a different scenario?

Speaker 1: 38:45

again, even if I am a cis man, different bodies will respond differently. I cannot speak for all cis men in regards to their anal experience. However, in my personal experience, when my dick is played with, I'm a lot more relaxed. I feel a lot more receptive to anal sex because I'm feeling that I'm safe and I'm feeling that my pleasure is prioritized. And when all of that is in play, then my body starts to be more relaxed and open. So, whether it's playing with the cock and balls or any other part of the body, a big thing when it comes to being the receptive partner and anal is relaxation and your state of mind. Am I tense, am I relaxed? Relaxed, am I safe? Am I in danger?

Speaker 2: 39:38

take into account all these things, because your whole will respond accordingly also I get dirtier, my mind gets dirtier when exactly the reality is like when I'm like starting to stimulate my clit and I'm getting horny and I'm like, oh yeah then. Then I'm suddenly like yeah we need to put something in my ass. Call me good girl and put something in my ass. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2: 40:02

So that for me it helps to have that sort of get myself into that erotic state of mind when I'm going into that, because it takes longer for me to feel the sort of pleasure from the anus, whereas like my clit it just you know the way I'm built that I feel it instantly. And then it's like button A unlocks door B Right.

Speaker 1: 40:30

Exactly. That's how your body is mapped and for anyone listening, listen to how your body feels, masturbate, see what actually are your own personal erogenous zones, so that your hole can also open. Because for me I open up when my neck and my ear are licked that is the fastest way for me to open up and when my nipple is pinched, specifically my right nipple. I don't know why I don't get my left nipple as much, but when my right nipple is pinched and twisted, I'm like the floodgates have opened right.

Speaker 2: 41:10

I think that's something I haven't talked about a lot yet on this podcast. But so many of us think it's just our genitalia that excites us when it's touched. But you can actually wake up your genitalia by figuring out where on your body are your erogenous and erotic zones, and sometimes it will surprise you. I have one person I'm coaching that it's like their arm If they tickle their arm like this, like suddenly their body lights up.

Speaker 2: 42:56

So that exploration, like you said, masturbation, having your own masturbation practice and I do talk about that a lot is so important you should be your best lover. On that note, would you suggest for someone who's interested in dipping their toe in the waters of anal play and anal sex to first do it on themselves during masturbation, maybe with a small plug? Is that something they could do if they're too nervous to start with a partner?

Speaker 1: 43:28

Yes, absolutely. Try it all with yourself first, because you are your own lover. You should be your own best lover. How else are you going to know how to vocalize to your other lovers if you don't know what you're looking for and what you, what you like and what you feel? So when you're masturbating with yourself, you don't have to go out and get a toy. However you can, your finger is just as fine.

Speaker 1: 43:56

I have a lot of anal toys that I like to explore with. Like, I have a dragon tail dildo. So, however, I'm speaking from a person who has like decades of experience of anal. Honestly, most of the time I prefer to have anal with myself because it's I'm readily available. So, yeah, make butt exploration an essential part of your masturbation regimen because you can start to work up to bigger objects, more advanced moves, and once you're comfortable with how you have anal with yourself, you can start to be more comfortable with having anal with other people trying out different positions. With having in with other people trying out different positions. I am now more comfortable in I forgot what the name is, but it's basically like doggy, but we're standing, so it's kind of like standing spoons. So, yeah, I I was never comfortable with that until I started to like explore how my body should bend in a certain way.

Speaker 2: 45:01

So yeah, just as an example for anyone listening and does your butthole eventually become able to take larger objects? Does it act?

Speaker 1: 45:12

so your body adapts to it yeah, eventually it is like a muscle that needs a workout and you can slowly start to, you know, accommodate a larger.

Speaker 2: 45:27

For those listening, I have my hands very far apart yeah, the whole he that his whole example is like a giant it's the size of a head I'm like jesus, a traffic cone, yeah, but.

Speaker 1: 45:42

But yes, you can start to like accommodate bigger um objects and bigger dicks. There is a fear that what if my butthole never snaps back into place? It will. Okay, this is fine. It is elastic. It is able to retain its shape. You think that you might be incontinent? There have been rare cases where that happens, so consult with your medical professional. If incontinence is a result of anal play, however, for the most part, that's not really a worry. Your butthole is so resilient that it can retain its shape.

Speaker 2: 46:22

Right, right, so we can't pass up talking about the anatomy of it. Why is it even pleasurable? You talked about the nerve endings on the outside, which is something that actually, I feel like has gotten less attention over the years, but there are so many nerve endings for all genders on the outside, the rim around the hole. But let's talk about the internal structures and why, if you never experience anal pleasure, you're missing out on so much pleasure that's accessible to you.

Speaker 1: 46:57

So with anal sex we have two different sphincters your external anal sphincter, which is something that you can actually do, like Kegel exercises, and that's completely voluntary, that you can squeeze and practice wherever you want, whether you're sitting in traffic or sitting in the office right now, you can totally squeeze that. And then there's the internal sphincter, which is the involuntary one, which is a little deeper, known as, like, the sigmoid junction, so like basically I'm trying to explain it with audio for the audio listeners imagine your hole and then you've got maybe like two, three inches of your actual rectum before it turns into a J, going into the lower intestine and your colon and everything else. You only need to worry about that vertical part of your rectum. That's all you need. Anything deeper than that that's going to require deep cleaning, that's going to require a lot more experience and a lot more lube.

Speaker 1: 48:07

But really, for anyone starting off, it's really just that initial part of your rectum that you can concern yourself about, and it is very delicate tissue inside of your anus, tissue inside of your anus. So be very careful when it comes to fingering, because if you have sharp nails you could tear the very fragile tissue in there. Be very cognizant about your nails or any toys that you put up in there. Wear gloves, put on a condom, anything to kind of soften the ridges of whatever it is that you're inserting.

Speaker 2: 48:48

And you should be fine, should be a-okay right and up inside each of our body, for men and um, let's talk about the, the prostate, the prostate.

Speaker 1: 49:01

let's talk about, let's talk about it.

Speaker 2: 49:02

Let's talk about the prostate.

Speaker 1: 49:04

So for anyone with a prostate to access your prostate through your anus, you're going to insert your finger, with your finger pointing and kind of like a come here motion, come here motion To feel the prostate. It's not so far in that it's like you need to insert your entire hand, but like your finger or your middle finger, whatever it is, you want to curl your finger up towards the navel and then you're going to feel a very sort of rough not rough, but like a firm that is the adjective a firm sensation that feels like a walnut. That's going to be your prostate. If you don't want to access your prostate through your anus, you can actually access it through your perineum with a really vigorous massage. So your perineum is your taint because it taint the ball, then it taint the anus. Is your taint because it taint the ball, then it taint the anus. So the the fun skin bridge you can massage just underneath the cock and balls to really get to the prostate.

Speaker 1: 50:14

But if you do access the prostate through the anus, you're going to feel that walnutty sensation. It can feel like you're going to pee. So if you plan on playing with your prostate, make sure to pee, because it is going to feel like it's kind of making contact with your bladder. So that's another fun part about anal sex.

Speaker 2: 50:34

Prostate access Right and it is considered like the G-spot for men P-spot or perus, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 50:44

Right right Now for women and people with vulvas. The thing that's really cool about anal sex is that it accesses the internal clitoris and structures or the G-spot as well. So what feels really great oftentimes for us is to have a butt plug in or something in our ass while we're also having vaginal sex, because it stimulates, it increases the pressure and stimulation of those organs, and it is I will say this I have had some of my best orgasms during anal sex yeah.

Speaker 1: 51:24

It's like I don't know what's happening, but that's awesome yeah, I have had an anal orgasm and I have had, uh, an anal orgasm that's separate from the genital orgasm, from really yeah, I have not yeah it's great and, like you know, for me I would describe it as a very like full-body orgasm, because there's just so much like sexual tension that builds up from anal that, like my entire body, starts to like convulse, as opposed to like a penis orgasm, where it's just my pelvic area Feels really, really good.

Speaker 2: 52:07

Is an analgasm something that can happen for any gender?

Speaker 1: 52:13

Absolutely. Your entire body is orgasmic. The concept of an orgasm being just in the pelvic region is a little old school. Pelvic region is a little old school, but when you think about it, your entire body, everything that you can access, is capable of an orgasm.

Speaker 2: 52:30

I think that accessing that kind of orgasm really requires being fully embodied and practice Right, right. So here's my last question for you, because I just need to know how do you feel about? Let's talk about coming in a butt Now, obviously, safe sex with people who you haven't done your STI testing or you have not made the agreement we are having unprotected sex. But let's say you're there with someone. Let's talk about cum in the butt yes, no, what's?

Speaker 1: 53:06

the result. It's a yay for me. All right, let's talk about it, it's a yay for me. I mean, yeah, it may not be for everyone. I feel that sort of intimacy, while not for everyone, totally understand. And as long as you have your STI screening and you're all negative, you shouldn't have anything to worry about because it's just going to leave your body in your next bowel movement or your next douche.

Speaker 2: 53:30

So yeah, totally fine. So are there any after effects people should know about?

Speaker 1: 53:35

You don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

Speaker 2: 53:38

You don't have that concern, but you probably have the after drip. This is something I have never experienced, so I'm asking from a truly ignorant perspective, right, sure? Sure, um, uh, totally fine I know, like, as you know, someone who has a vagina, that there's the drip that goes on forever afterwards. You know uh what is? Give me the equivalent is it?

Speaker 1: 54:04

mean that also depends on how much he's coming inside of you, right?

Speaker 2: 54:07

Right.

Speaker 1: 54:08

Some guys will come only like a little bit of teaspoon. Some guys will come like the Niagara.

Speaker 2: 54:12

Falls.

Speaker 1: 54:13

Come on. So if a drift is something that you're worried about, you should always be going to the bathroom anyway after sex. So you can kind of like simulate, like a bowel movement, so like a little bit of a push or like a little bit of a douche, uh, if there is a little bit of drip afterwards I mean chances are. It's like a tiny little teaspoon. It's gonna stain your underwear, so just wash it.

Speaker 2: 54:40

It's totally fine, yeah all right, there you go. All right, let's give them their little. Give them maybe three things they can do starting tonight to either initiate the conversation or to start dipping their toe in the water of butt stuff.

Speaker 1: 54:57

Tip number one masturbate. Tip number two ask your partner how they feel about anal. Tip number two ask your partner how they feel about anal. Tip number three start to explore anal with your partner by going slow Massage the butt. You don't have to go to the hole right away, you can just play around with the cheeks, play around with the glutes and see where it goes from there.

Speaker 2: 55:25

That's it okay. When it comes to the conversation, though, how do they initiate that conversation with their partner without like burning down the bedroom?

Speaker 1: 55:32

you know what I?

Speaker 2: 55:33

mean, without like totally freaking them out, how can they initiate this conversation in a way that's gonna give it the best shot at going in a good direction?

Speaker 1: 55:44

Sure, so I like to tell my partner whenever there's something new I want to try. I let them know what I'm feeling in that moment, so that there's complete vulnerability. So, for example, I'd say I have something to tell you and I'm scared that if I tell you you're going to be disgusted, you're going to freak out, you're going to leave me, you're going to reject me. So it's taking a lot for me to say this. I hope you don't see me any differently, but I would like to try and see how they respond. Try and see how they respond. At the very least, you're laying all your cards on the table. You're showing complete vulnerability and in that you're actually being very brave. So the worst they can do is say not for me. Maybe we can try another time, maybe we can explore this new sexual act at a different time, but it's at least the conversation is there and it's. You left it in the air and it's there and you can address it for the future.

Speaker 1: 56:56

Right and if they react by shaming you, then maybe you need to reconsider your partnership. They shame you. Is that really someone you?

Speaker 2: 57:03

want to have sex with Right. Seriously, why 100%? All right. If anal sex still feels like a dirty word to you after this conversation, it's not because you're wrong. It's because we've been conditioned to fear our own bodies and our own pleasure. But here's the truth. Your butt is not a battlefield, it is not a punchline. It's a source of sensation, exploration and power and letting go of shame surrounding anal sex. That's not just sexy, it's revolutionary, in my opinion and Tim's, I'm going to assume. Tim, can you please tell my listeners where they can find you if they want to watch or listen to your podcast or connect with you and find out more about what you have to offer?

Speaker 1: 57:44

Yeah, well, first of all, thank you so much, Annette, for having me on your show, and to all of you wonderful listeners, thank you for powering through this very dirty conversation around anal. If you want to hear more about me, you can find me on sexedwithtimcom. My podcast is available on all platforms. Sexedwithtim and my Instagram, my Blue Sky, my Facebook page are all sexedwithtim.

Speaker 2: 58:12

Go check it out and learn. I mean, what could be, what could be more fun than spending your audio time listening to you know someone who can educate you in depth? See what I did there In depth. On all things, but and more Going deep. I think I'm so funny.

Speaker 1: 58:34

Or going deep, or going deep.

Speaker 2: 58:37

All right listeners. Thank you for sticking with us and listening. I hope you have a good time with your ask tonight. If you have any questions or comments after you listen to this, if you are on my YouTube channel at Talk Sex with Annette, you can drop a comment in the comments section. I will try to get back to you there or reach out to Tim and see if you can get me the answers you need. You can also send me a message at Annette at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. You can scroll down to the notes below and you can find my speak pipe and there you can send me a sweet little voice note with your question as well. Thank you again for joining me. I really appreciate it, tim.

Speaker 1: 59:18

Thank you so much, Annette.

Speaker 2: 59:21

And to my listeners until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.