Sex Questions Men Secretly Google at 2 a.m. -- Answered!

 What’s the “right” size to satisfy a woman? How often should you really be having sex—or masturbating? And is it weird if you’re into something like ball-busting? Today, I’m joined by certified sexologist Dr. Susan Milstein to tackle the most-searched, most-avoided questions men have about sex, performance, and pleasure. We’re breaking down the myths, the science, and the real answers you won’t get from late-night Googling—no shame, no judgment, just straight talk (and maybe a few surprises) about how to actually be great in bed. 

Check out Dr. Sue's podcast here: https://milsteinhealthconsulting.com/

Check out my podcast on small penis sizes: https://youtu.be/6ftr82bpJ_Q
Check out my podcast on how larger Penis sizes affect pleasure: https://youtu.be/SAuCBBnqaqk

You can find my spicy site here. https://talksexwithannette.com/talk-sex-with-me/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing Talk Sex with Annette
• 6:04 Does Penis Size Really Matter?
• 14:18 The Truth About Ball Busting
• 23:56 Fluctuating Libidos and Mismatched Desires
• 34:24 Rekindling Your Partner's Desire
• 46:33 Masturbation: Frequency, Guilt, and Benefits
• 58:26 Circumcised vs. Uncircumcised Debate
• 1:10:21 Final Thoughts and Where to Find Help

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:45

Do the sex? I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talkin' Shots. The show has a new name Talk Sex with Annette, but at its core, this is still your locker room.

Speaker 1: 0:58

It's where we strip away shame, get curious and speak the unspoken about sex, kink, dating, pleasure and desire Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends and, of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you. And if you're new, welcome to my podcast, where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now let's talk about sex Cheers.

Speaker 1: 1:38

Today's Talk Sex with Annette. Topic is size, libido and ball busting. Answers to the sex questions men are too embarrassed to ask. You know what I love when men get curious about sex, but not in the locker room, bro-y kind of way you know how many women have you banged? Kind of way, but in the kind of way that's involving real questions, like vulnerable questions, the stuff that you Google at 2 am but never ask out loud. 2 am. That's when you're doing it, like does size really matter, or how often should I be having sex? Or jerking off, or what does it mean if I'm into something a little out there, kinky?

Speaker 1: 2:26

Today I've got Dr Sue Milstein back on the show certified sexologist, health educator and the woman who's been blowing minds with real shame-free sex ed for over 20 years. And this time we're answering your most burning, awkward and honest questions about sex and performance. No shame, no bullshit, just the truth and maybe a few surprises. So let's get ready to answer some of those burning questions that men have.

Speaker 1: 2:57

But before we dive in, I want to remind you that I'm over on OnlyFans and there I am posting my sex and intimacy how-tos, my audio guided self-pleasure aka masturbation meditations, and so much more to help you start having a better sex life, starting tonight or tomorrow hopefully tonight and you can find me there by the handle at TalkSexWithAnette. You can also find me on Substack, where I'm doing a whole lot of the same, and I'm at TalkSexWithAn net there. You can also scroll down to the notes below and you're going to find links to all the places you want to find me. So don't forget that you can do that. But for now, dr Sue, can you reintroduce yourself to my listeners and just tell thema little bit more about you?

Speaker 2: 3:44

Sure, so I've got an academic background in human sexuality, because you can actually get an academic background in that. But outside of academia I primarily work with people across the lifespan answering all those questions that you mentioned, though sometimes I do actually ask them out loud. I'm also on Substack as HeyDrSue. Folks submit their questions to me anonymously, if that's a big thing for you, and then I answer them. I'm also the co-host of the podcast Unzipping Taboos Candid Conversations About Sex, where we do a lot of the shame-free stuff I'm so glad you said it that way A lot of that shame-free, no judgment. Let's just have some conversations.

Speaker 1: 4:30

So you're going to want to find her in all of those places, and I will actually be on her podcast as well.

Speaker 1: 4:33

So start listening to her podcast so that when I show up it will be just like a nice little surprise for you. But right now we are going to start answering some of your questions here all in one place. So I'm ready, are you ready? I'm ready to talk about sex and all the things men want to know about themselves and what they're doing. So let's get ready to talk about sex. Cheers, Cheers. We're just going to dive right in with questions. Let's do it. So the first question is and yes, I have a whole podcast on this, but look, if you haven't trusted my answer, podcast on this. But look, if you haven't trusted my answer, we've got her Right. There we go. So the question is what's the best size penis to satisfy a woman?

Speaker 2: 5:19

There's no right answer to that and I know people like no, no, no, give me a number. And we can't do that because every woman likes something different. I mean, if you look at like physiological structures and where the G spot is, it would almost seem like shorter and wider would be better. You'd be more likely to hit the good spots. But some women love really deep thrusting, like to the point where you're saying hello to the cervix, and some women don't. It's less about the size and more about your confidence, and it's less about your size and more about how attentive you are as a partner. If you've got a huge penis and your partner's like whoa, like slow down too much and you're not listening, it doesn't matter. If you think you have enough, you're now too much and not in a good way.

Speaker 1: 6:04

And in my experience so A. I do know size queens, women who just really want a giant cock. And I'm going to tell you a little secret, folks A very good friend of mine is a size queen, but when she falls for someone, that does not matter at all, Not at all, at all, not at all. And I was discussing that with her lately, with a person she's involved with and I'm trying to figure out what she likes about him but showed me a picture. I was like I thought you were a size queen, like what's happening here. So I think that's important to note.

Speaker 1: 6:47

What women really fall for and get obsessed with has less to do with the size of their cock, more to do with confidence, attentiveness, skills in bed, the understanding of all of the things that light us up, how to like, spark our anticipation, heighten our senses right and then get us to that.

Speaker 1: 7:07

You know the finish line if you know what I'm saying. But I think also something to talk about is and I don't know what your thoughts are on this, sue, but the right fit. I was sharing, if y'all were listening before, about a person that I met and I opened his package, which unzipped his package, and it came out and it was just the perfect fit for me. Upon seeing it, it was as though like light radiated off of it and I was like, oh, the angels were singing and I knew it was like the perfect length, not so long that it was going to send my cervix into the living hell, perfect girth, and I knew it was going to be a good fit for me. Now, for someone else it could be too big, or maybe they want a monster cock that's going to like pound their cervix.

Speaker 2: 8:05

Yeah, and I think it's. I do. I've heard that before. People are just like it's right for me and and that may be different at different points of your life, like when you first start having sex, maybe you're all about the I want the biggest cock I can get, and then you're like maybe not so much. What I've actually found for a lot of from talking to a lot of women about this, is that what they find is that men who've got larger cocks don't always like they're almost worse in bed because they've always just relied on having a really big dick. So it's like oh, I have a big dick, that's all I need to do. And they're like no, no, no, there's no, there's more. But they've often, they've so often relied on that that they have no skill or they don't know how to listen, or they can't do or aren't willing to try anything else in bed other than like straight to sex. So having it in, oh, yeah, it's miserable.

Speaker 1: 8:58

It's miserable, it is. I mean, I mean for me, and I'm sure there is that rare unicorn of a woman who doesn't want you to work up to things and and just wants you to pound her. But I'm telling you that also. Um, women fake it and I have, in response to my podcast episode guys, I will link these below I did one on the truth about sex with small penises and monster cocks. What I, a lot of men responded to that and they're like you're lying. Women want big ones and and I have a big one and she was just pleased every time.

Speaker 1: 9:43

I don't think you all realize how often women fake shit. I do not think you realize right, because they just know they're not going to get where they want to physically and so more or less it becomes a performance, because the only thing they get to get off on is like watching you be in awe of, like how much fun they're supposedly having in bed with you. But yeah, I mean, if you have a large cock also, I'm sure it's beautiful. I'm not putting down your large cock, I'm just saying be sure you know how to use it. You know, rub it against a clit Like just put the tip in and light up that G spot before you go, for you know a throat culture from below.

Speaker 2: 10:29

Yeah, ask your partner what she wants. I know sometimes talking isn't a thing for people, like they're in the moment and they don't want to, but so many times what we hear from women is like this idea of that, that pre-conversation whether it's in person or over dinner or by text, it's. It's like that, that edging that's already starting. That requires effort and it requires effort. You can't do with your dick Like, you have to actually think and you have to put the time and effort into it. But yeah, going back to what you were saying about the faking it, when we talk to people from a research perspective, when we ask people, why do you fake it? The number one reason for women is I just I wasn't enjoying it and I wanted it to be over, and so we know that's happening Like great that you think she loved it. Maybe she's just a great performer, maybe she did like it, but there was a good chance that she was faking it just to end it.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Right. Right, because when you're getting pounded and it's painful or uncomfortable, we should just say I'm done. We need to learn that skill. Like you can revoke consent at any time during sex, but that's something that I think can be hard for a woman to do, so we grit our teeth and get through it, and I know you, as men, don't want that. You literally want to have this really enjoyable experience and it feels good to know that you're giving someone else pleasure and they're really enjoying what you're doing. So, yeah, size, is there the right size? We're both agreeing that that's no, but I will also say this I have seen like shapes of penises that I'm like it could be a great penis, like the ones that kind of hook in I'm like, oh, that's going to hit a G spot really well. Or you know, every penis has its perk.

Speaker 1: 12:48

I love that Every penis has its perks, every penis has its perk Yours is, yours is perfect, just for someone yes, so another common question, then that's in the same vein as this one how small, when it comes to penis size, is too small?

Speaker 2: 13:14

so that's a little bit harder to answer because I know normally I'm like you just heard me say like size doesn't really matter. With the smaller size it depends on how small it is. If it's really small, partner may not feel anything and that's where it can be a challenge. The primary sex organs, really your brain. So if the brain's turned on and the rest of the body's turned on and maybe it's not deep thrusting and maybe they don't feel so much of the pressure inside the vagina, it doesn't mean they're not going to enjoy it.

Speaker 2: 13:48

To me, the biggest piece of that and I know we've already said it is the confidence piece. If you're just like, here's my teeny, tiny penis, so sorry, everyone's turned off at that point. But if you're just like oh, here's my teeny, tiny penis, so sorry, like everyone's turned off at that point. But if you're like it's small but it's mighty, like, and you find a way to work with it and and you're attentive and you're making sure that there's pleasure for your partner, women are like there is a thing of too small because I can't feel the sensations, and so that can be a challenge. But it's really more sometimes about width.

Speaker 1: 14:24

It's about girth, less so about length. 100% girth is a thing and I think most women will agree with that. But I would also say that if you have a micropen penis or you have a small penis, one thing to keep in mind is there are plenty of women who have sex with other women who don't have penises and have incredible sex, and what you are doing with a woman is sharing your body in the perfection that it is, and there are lots of ways you can use your penis, whatever size it is, to bring her pleasure. There's grinding. You know and I personally, as someone who has sex with women like I've been with women who have enlarged literacies that that almost look like micro penises and it feels extra good because when you're grinding you have that bigger organ that is just right inside my vaginal opening.

Speaker 1: 15:28

I don't need anything to be that big just to like touch and stimulate and excite my G-spot. But also, if you're with someone who, like you, do all that, she still is craving some deep, thick penetration. There are so many toys or using your finger, my fingers when I I'm having sex with a woman are my favorite toy because I can it's skin on skin. I can feel her get excited. I can use as many fingers or a fist to fill her up as little or as much as she wants. And if you are doing that, if you have those skills built in, if you are a man with any dick and you've got the skills of a lesbian, trust me she will come back for more and more and more. This is just my advice as a queer woman.

Speaker 2: 16:28

Yeah, I 100% agree with that, and it's funny because those are things that we wind up telling older men as they're struggling sometimes with erectile dysfunction or going through prostate cancer treatments and, like their dicks just not working the way that they're used to and they think it's the end of their sex life and it's it's trying to educate them about. No, no, no, like it's, it's all these different things, but they have to be open to that and we've just, we've totally socialized people to believe that, like it's always about penetration and that's how the best orgasm is going to happen for her, and we know that that's not. Like, that's not where your nerve endings really are. So it's just giving people that license to be like, go play, go try something new. Whether your penis is big, small, working, not working, half staff, whatever, like play, stop stopping. So like it has to be serious, or I need to know how to do this instantly. Like, have a good time and try to figure it out. It can be a great way of discovering new things.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Exactly, and sometimes, when you feel like you're at a disadvantage because I'm not, I don't believe that's a reality. I think it's a thought process. It forces you to open your mind and then you end up becoming an even better lover than the people who just have the big cock and they walk in and start ramming it into someone, like nobody wants to keep that guy. Some people might be like, oh, let's give that a ride and see what it's like, but then it's like all right, well, that was not fun, let's move on.

Speaker 2: 17:57

Yeah, ride's over, next ride yeah.

Speaker 1: 18:01

Well, that happens a lot. So next question how many times should a man have sexual intercourse in a week?

Speaker 2: 18:20

as he wants, as long as his partners are consenting.

Speaker 2: 18:21

There's really no number and I know you were talking about this before but this idea of like normal, that there's some kind of normal that you need to hit, it's going to be different for every man.

Speaker 2: 18:27

It's going to be different for different same man, different stages of life, like when you're 18, 19, 20, you're probably hitting it way more often than when you're in your 70s and 80s. So it's going to depend a lot on your needs, your partner's needs, your desires, your ability to find a partner, like all those things are going to come into play. But there's no one number and before someone does this because every time I answer this question someone goes and Googles it while I'm talking and they're like I found this research article that says those research articles are based off self-report. Most people are going to over-exaggerate, so I just need folks to keep that in mind and they also tend to look at one specific age group. So I can't give you a number. If you're satisfied and you're happy, then that works. If you're not satisfied, then that's where the problem comes up. But it's less about number and more about needs of you and partner partners.

Speaker 1: 19:24

Right, right, you could have one or two or three or four partners, depending on who you are and what's going on. I think also, the question that you should be asking is how much intimacy do I need in my life Beyond the PNV sex and cum situation? There is so much health-wise, there are so many benefits to your health, mental health, physical health, emotional all of that that comes from intimacy and that can be touch, hug, laying with someone, skin-on-skin contact. I think that's important for every human, but it doesn't have to just be about the sex part of it. Right, your concern is on the sex, but you might get as much Mm-hmm that your body will dump like oxytocin and dopamine and all of those really wonderful chemicals that are like a powerful little vitamin into your system when you are getting that.

Speaker 2: 20:44

Have you ever heard of the concept called skin hunger?

Speaker 1: 20:48

No, I feel it already. What is it?

Speaker 2: 20:51

It's just the technical. It's not really all that super technical. It's the term we use for when people want touch, and it doesn't have to be like sexy touch. It's just what you were just saying, that human contact, sex in the United States or we don't talk about it, we don't have conversations about what people need or what they want, and so they feel this emptiness. It's exactly what you were just saying.

Speaker 2: 21:18

They feel this emptiness and they think they have to go out and get laid to fill it, when really it's that skin hunger. They just need that physical touch. They just need someone to be next to them or cuddle them and if you're naked, that's fine or hug them or hold hands and we saw this a lot during COVID that people who were in lockdown by themselves they were talking about like this whole, I need to get laid, and yeah, that may have been partially true. Really they were missing that human contact. That skin hunger is such a strong motivator. So I think you've got a great point. When people are like, how much sex should I be having, it may not be about the sex, it may be about that contact, because if you find that you're having sex a lot and you're not getting what you need. It may not be the sex and maybe the intimacy. It may be that connection.

Speaker 1: 22:07

Absolutely. I definitely get skin hunger. I'm going to use that kind of scary term. It's a little, a little bit Silence of the Lambs, but I think I felt that last night I was like I need to be spooned, so maybe that's the more important question that you should be asking. All right, next question I'm a male. This is the question. I'm a male. It's my favorite way that I often get questions sent to me. Do I need to shave my pubic hair? I want to hear your answer to this one.

Speaker 2: 22:54

So a lot of this is going to come down to confidence. If you're thinking I'm a mess down there and no one's going to love it, you're going to walk in feeling like that. Some women do love it. I'm trying to figure out how to. Sorry, there's a pause. I was trying to figure out how to phrase this. Some women do love it to be maintained.

Speaker 2: 23:15

I don't think women are nearly as picky about that as men are, and their partners. I know that most women do not want nothing Like it feels a little prepubescent. I don't see that push from women to be like men shave down all the way way. The same way, a lot of women get pressure from their male partners. Um, if you're concerned about size and how it looks, this is a great way. Like you could do some artful framing about how you cut it and how you present it, um, but most of the time what I hear from women is just as long as it's not like all over the place and you're confident in what you have, they don't really care. It doesn't seem to be as much of an issue for female partners of their men as it does men towards their female partners. What do you think I have a strong opinion?

Speaker 1: 24:00

Oh, give it please. So I would agree with you that women are far more generous when it comes to this subject. But I will tell you something we all unanimously tend to hate that we don't say anything about. If you want to shave, shave. If it makes you feel comfortable, do it. Here's the thing you need to know. If you are going to do it, then you need to keep it up while you're with her, otherwise we end up getting the pokies. It very quickly, within a day, becomes pokey and itchy as fuck and our lovely lady bits our labia, our inner thighs. We are delicate and scratching us there. Now there may be some women who are into that. That's their kink. Ask first. For the rest of us, it feels kind of gross and I want to expand this pubic hair conversation from the dick and balls to the chest to the back.

Speaker 1: 25:11

Look, if I'm going to be on a man like, I'm okay with some hair, what I'm not okay with is laying my body against theirs and just instantly feeling like I have the itchiest wool coat against me. And that only happens when you shave down so that it's short enough that it becomes pokey or a porcupine. No one wants a porcupine. They're lonely creatures, you know, for a reason. So if you're going to shave, you know it's got to go. You got to do it all the time. Go, get it lasered off if that's what you feel like you need to do. Or you need to leave it. Long enough that it's still soft and you're like a furry little. Long enough that it's still soft and you're like a furry little okay, furry, big, sexy man, all right, that's my opinion. Like I expect a man to have hair. I'm like fine with it, but I don't want to be flossing with your pubes either. So keep it under control, bro.

Speaker 2: 26:04

You know what I mean. Yeah, I think we've got there was that point where people were manscaping for like within an inch of their lives, like everything was coming off, and I think we've kind of moved past that phase. I love the way you said it, that women are way more generous, but they also, unless pain's their thing, they don't want the friction burns from that they don't want. Yeah, that's. That can be really uncomfortable.

Speaker 1: 26:23

It really can kill, like, especially if you're in the middle of sex and you know you're grinding on them and you're getting into it because of course you want to grind so that your clitoris is hitting. You know their sort of pelvic mounts, which helps you have an orgasm. Well, if you're getting, if you're, if it's like prickly, it's hurting the clitoris, like you can't keep grinding, it makes it hard to get off. So, when it comes to your manscaping, think about that, and I, like you, know manscape, but that doesn't mean like go scorched earth. Yeah, right, you don't need to be a jungle, but let's not be. You know the Badlands, right? Yes, no-transcript, because I get more sensation.

Speaker 1: 27:50

I'm Italian, so when my shit grows out, it's like you got, you have to have a machete to get to the clip, right. But then when I date women, they're like you have a little bit of a push Right, like because, like women who date men, and I'm like, nope, well, because my ex paid to get mine lasered off. So now I mean I get a little hair, but not a lot. So it's like you can't make everybody happy, right? So I guess the best thing you can do is A make sure you're not prickly. No one likes that and then otherwise, either they like you or they don't.

Speaker 2: 28:30

And if the hair?

Speaker 1: 28:30

is the deal breaker. They can go fuck themselves, yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:34

And just own it. Just own it Like this is what I got going on, Like I didn't know I was hooking up tonight and this is what's going, this is what's down there. Take it or leave it. And if they're willing, if that's their deal breaker, then so be it. That wasn't the right one for you.

Speaker 1: 28:47

So there's nothing I can do if I think I'm going to hook up with a woman, I have to wait months to get anything that would resemble a womanly.

Speaker 2: 29:58

Check back with me in September.

Speaker 1: 30:03

You're just going to have to be OK with what's going on down there. Fuck, you can't win them all. You can't win them all, all right. So moving on, I'm excited about this one Also. I have a full episode on this one, but I'm excited to talk about it here. I'm obsessed with ball busting. Is there something wrong with me mentally?

Speaker 2: 30:28

I'm realizing people can't see me shaking my head, so unless they're watching the video, I don't think there's anything wrong. That's that's just a kink. That's your kink. As long as you're doing it relatively safely, because you can cause some serious damage, as long as it's something where everyone's consenting, you're not forcing someone to hurt you and you're enjoying it, I don't think there's anything wrong with you mentally, like good for you for finding that it can be a challenge to bring that up with a new partner if they're not into it, so that I and and I know that can happen like you bring it up and the person's like what the hell's wrong with you, and so I could see where that question was coming from. But no, it's just a different kind of kink.

Speaker 1: 31:11

Yeah, I think that with kinks, it's a bad place to go to, to start asking, like where does this come from? Why do I like this? Sometimes you just like it and there is nothing wrong with having a kink. The thing that gets challenging again, like you said, is getting matching up with a partner who likes specific kinks. So I think, specifically with this one because now on the kink spectrum, we're looking at something that could be a little more physically dangerous.

Speaker 1: 31:50

Right like this is something that could be dangerous for you Is A. If it's something that you're into, you need to really get educated about it about how to do it, exactly how it needs to be done so that you don't get hurt, different equipment, what the limits are. There are classes. If you are living, if you live in a city where there's a kink community, they might put on classes about it, or I'm sure that you could find some information online. Again, I have a full episode on it which could be really helpful. But more so once you're fully educated, if you have a partner that you're able to bring it up with and they have no experience, they need to get educated. Don't just have them kick you in the balls or like stomp on your balls, like with no education on how to do that, or you could end up in the hospital.

Speaker 2: 32:55

Yep and possibly losing a testicle, and that's can't be fun, and no more ball busting would happen, no more can't bust balls that aren't there.

Speaker 2: 33:03

Yes, and it's funny because I it's what you were saying before about, you know, not really trying to figure out where it comes from. I get that question a lot, like well, why do you think I am this way? And I like do we really need to do a deep dive into how you got this way? You like it this way? So again, as long as you're not pressuring a partner into doing it, who's not into it, like, why do we need to get into the? Where did it come from?

Speaker 2: 33:28

But having that conversation with someone who actually isn't a ball busting, what he started realizing was it was less about the ball busting and more about the power dynamic. He's like man, I could take or leave the ball busting. I'm like so it's not, it's not actually the ball busting for you. Then, like he's like no, it's, I think it's more the power, like she's got total power over me. I'm like then that's something different. But because we don't talk about these things openly usually, he had just gone online, found this thing of ball busting, was like oh, I think that's what I like and it. He enjoyed it. But it was more about that power dynamic and making himself vulnerable and that submission aspect to it, so like I could see why you'd want to do a little deep dive into what caused it. But I don't. I don't think there's anything mentally wrong with you at all.

Speaker 1: 34:15

No, no, I don't. Nothing's mentally wrong with you as long as you're being like safe about it and you're not. This isn't like a self-harm situation that's being taken to the level of endangering your health, if you think about it. What is widely accepted and far more common is like women who like to have their pussies spanked or slapped. Slapping a pussy is pretty. I mean, maybe some vanilla people don't do it, but I would say even vanilla people kind of like that. Everyone likes to spank a pussy or slap it with a cock, I mean, and then it can go up in level of pain. It's a very similar dynamic. Or a woman who likes to get her cervix pounded Now that is very much the equivalent in pain.

Speaker 1: 35:06

Just so y'all know when you're doing it and we don't like it. It's the same as getting your fucking balls kicked, all right, but some women love that. It's the equivalent, but we don't put the same shame around it.

Speaker 2: 35:21

Yeah, and I think part of it's because we're not upsetting the power structure right, like women, we do things with women. I want to say to women but that sounds wrong, as I'm saying it in my head, because it should always be done with consent. But women, but women, having these things done to them doesn't upset the power structure. Putting someone's balls at risk and making them that vulnerable, it upends that. So they are so similar, but we, just because of the dynamic, we don't talk about it the same way and it'd be so freeing for people if we did.

Speaker 1: 35:52

We don't talk about it the same way, and it'd be so freeing for people if we did so. I guess that's a good point, though it's an annoying comparison to have to make. It's bad. It's bad that we have to make the comparison, but before you go into like shaming yourself.

Speaker 1: 36:09

flip the script and what you're going to find my guess is I'm going to be conservative and say seven out of 10 times is the same thing happening to a woman is more acceptable. You know, no one's saying, oh, is she crazy because she likes having a cock so big that it bangs her cervix. You know everyone's like, oh, he's awesome and that's hot sex. But a man wanting to experience ball busting is something's mentally wrong with him. No, it is a domination thing. That is also a power, a pain power dynamic which is very common in kink which is very common in kink.

Speaker 2: 36:52

So, and especially with the ball busting, it's amazing because I did a question on that for my Q&A and it was like the floodgates opened Like the next. I felt like the next 10 questions I got were all about ball busting, because they found someone who was willing to talk about it in a nonjudgmental way. Like where else are you going to get that information? Because we don't talk about it when it is. I mean, I don't think it's the most common one out there, but it is way more common than people think. And so like stop, stop with the shame, and I'm sure some partners have said some things to you that have not helped with the shame. But yeah, I was just it's way more common, I think, than people realize.

Speaker 1: 37:32

Yeah, in fact in line with it, but different and again, I know that many of my listeners come from these episodes is putting a cock in a cage? Is putting a cock in a cage or wanting to have your cock in chastity in a cage bad? Is something wrong with me that I desire that? Is something wrong with me that I get off on that? And again, this is just a power dynamic that is hot for some people and I have to admit, when I learned about cocks and cages which I learned from my very best friend Lucy, who's a dominatrix I was like why would anybody want that? Then I put a cock in a cage holy shit.

Speaker 2: 38:20

You had all the power though. Yeah, that's hot yeah talk about vulnerability.

Speaker 1: 38:26

Yeah, yeah, I get it now like it was. Things are foreign when you haven't heard about them and can be scary when they're new to you. And then you slap a cage on a cock and you're like, oh yeah, of course I'd like that you know cage.

Speaker 2: 38:57

Sure shit does not matter what the size of that thing I mean the cage size you may need you may need to be different, but what's great about that is it kind of pulls away that focus on size. It's. There's so many other things you can do and yeah there are so many other things.

Speaker 1: 39:07

And again going back to the cock cage, you know people don't blink when you. It's like female chastity, right when you're putting a chastity belt on a woman it's the same excitement of controlling someone's sexuality and owning someone's sexuality, because the key holder in either case gets to say I own that cock or I own that pussy and that's hot. Like, come on, that's hot Even to vanilla folks. You don't put a cage on it but you want to own it.

Speaker 2: 39:36

You know not that they'll admit that.

Speaker 1: 39:40

I'm saying putting a ring on it's pretty much owning it. But whatever, different cages, different different costs to those cages. But all right On to the next one. Why does my libido fluctuate so much Life?

Speaker 2: 39:58

It's because of life and I'm not sure if the question came from a man, because I think this applies to everyone, regardless of your sex, regardless of your gender. Like so much of our libido is based off everything that's happening around us. It's whether or not we're tired, it's what medications we're on. It's are we fighting with our partner? Do we have a partner? When was the last time we got off? Like all of those things can impact your sex drive. And it's anyone who's ever been fired, because I have some friends who are going through this right now, who used to work with the government.

Speaker 2: 40:32

It's like I just can't seem to be there for my partner. I can't, I'm not interested. I'm like, of course you're not interested. You just lost your job. You just lost your identity. You're worried about putting food on the table. Like people's sex lives struggle around major holidays, usually because of family stress and everything they're going to have to deal with. It's like that's the last thing sometimes they're thinking of. So everything that's going on in your life, from what you're eating to how tired you are, to whether or not you've got a job all that's going to get in the way and we just don't talk about that. We just we make this assumption again, especially especially for men, that you're going to always want it and sometimes you just don't, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 41:24

Your libido is going to go up and down too. I do think the sex drive curve across the lifespan for men and women can differ as well, and that can be really frustrating, especially later in life, to everybody involved. One thing that I think people are experiencing and coming to understand more and more is that women, as they hit their late, late 30s and hit their 40s especially, sex drive spikes, and this is something we need to talk about more. I know I have some incels out there that can't help but listen to my podcast and I know that you guys are insisting that women hit the wall at something ridiculous like 35. But the reality is, like it or not, when we hit 40, our sex drive is on fire Most of a lot of us. The percentage right. Can you back me up on this?

Speaker 2: 42:33

I can't. I mean, I can't throw numbers at you, but and it's actually into their 50s as well. What we find with some women is that once they get through menopause and they can't get pregnant, they're like woohoo, like let's do this thing, which is a complete opposite of what we used to tell people. It was like, oh yeah, in your late 30s, 40s, but then menopause and your sex drive's going to die. And most of the women I talk to, as they're aging, they're like I'm ready, let's go, I need a little more lube than I used to but like, let's do this because that fear is gone for them.

Speaker 2: 43:04

But yeah, for folks listening, sex drives tend not to match by age. It's we actually see, the older the men are getting, like yeah, the more their sex drive is actually tanking. And what we find with women and I know we were just focusing on 30s and 40s, but we find with women in their 60s, 70s, 80s is that if they're not having sex with their husbands, it's usually because he's not into it, like his sex drive is just going, his testosterone is dropping, and she's like, hey, wait, I still want to do things. So, yeah, there's usually a mismatch there, right, but there's also a reason.

Speaker 1: 43:39

Yeah, I think that that's like a huge source of frustration. So the experiences men and women are having aren't matching up with the information that they're getting either. Say that couples in relationships at this time, especially right now, who are older, aren't struggling with their sexual relationship. Because I want to move on to the next question, which comes from this is a compilation of multiple questions that I get from listeners all the time. The number one question that I get from my male listeners is how do I get my partner, my wife, my female partner, to not just have sex with me but desire me?

Speaker 1: 44:32

The common complaint I get and these are from men that are easily, I'd say, 45 and up, maybe usually 50 and up is that she doesn't want to have sex anymore at all, and when she does, it's fine and it's nice to be having sex, but I can tell she doesn't really want to. And how do I get her to desire? They want to be desired, Men want to be desired, and it's something we haven't talked enough about. We always think of that wanting to be desired, feeling as something that is more feminine, something that women want, but men want to be thirsted after right. They want someone to be like oh my God, I can't wait until you put your hands on me and I can't wait till I can feel your cock in me, right, but that's the piece that's missing.

Speaker 1: 45:28

She'll like give him the monthly sex, but it's sort of like let's get this over with. I know I have to do my duty. Nobody, nobody wants to have that sex, right, Right? So that's my question what are your thoughts on that? For men who are like how do I get her to desire me and desire intimacy with me? What are some tips we can give them?

Speaker 2: 45:53

So what I usually tell them is let's back up and see whether or not you're treating her like a woman or if she's living her life as a wife and a mother Not that those are bad roles but if she's wife and mother and caretaker, she can't just turn it off and be like, oh, okay, like now, I want sex. So for men and I see this desire discrepancy all the time if you're having this kind of thing, like when was the last time you gave her the ability to like step back and be a sexy woman herself, when was the last time she had that moment of feeling desired, and not just because you wanted it and that's what I tend to find with couples, especially when they've been together for a while there's no touch unless they want something. So it's the okay, I'm gonna want sex later. Or I want your attention, or, like now, I'm gonna touch you.

Speaker 2: 46:44

If having a woman turn on her desire, especially when she's leading, like all these different roles and, you know, wearing all these different hats, you've, you've got to give her the time and the space to get turned on and you got to put in the effort elsewhere. You can't just turn around, touch her and be like oh, you're not turned on. Why not Send her that dirty text in the middle of the day Like start her thinking about that. Don't have it be that you both come home from work. But she's got to first do the dishes, you know, put things away, make the dinner, let her be a woman before she's playing these other roles and then she'll be able to, most of the time, be more on board with being that partner that you want. But there's got to be that time and space for her. She can't just turn it off and turn it on, and we know that about women in general and I'm going to make horrible gender stereotypes here, so I apologize, horrible gender stereotypes here, so I apologize.

Speaker 2: 47:40

Men can usually turn it on faster. They don't need as much stimulation and or they're getting it during the day in their own brains, whereas women usually take longer. It's more of a slow burn. So if she's a slow burn, you can't just turn around, look at her and be like OK, time for sex and think she's going to jump right on it. You got to help that slow burn, you got to feed those embers, and that takes time. So I usually tell guys like what are you doing to help this? What are you doing to help her have that space of being a woman and not mom, caretaker, wife Again not that those are bad roles, those are important.

Speaker 1: 48:12

Right. I think that the big piece that is missing is integrating touch and intimacy, weaving it throughout your day. That is not attached to actually sex, meaning PNV sex, which is, you know, you want to get your penis in there. I get that. So things you could start making a habit in your daily life is, when you're out doing something together, just hold her hand, just reach out and hold her hand and walk silently holding hands. When you get up to get ready in the morning, if she's still in bed, lean over and kiss her forehead while she's like sleeping or lightly awake, right Before she goes like, stop at the door, turn around, come back and hug her, maybe bring her coffee in bed in the morning. If she gets up after you, like these little acts of love and of seeing her and caring for her in an intimate way, a she's going to want to reciprocate. Women are primed for that. So again, I hate to say, do this with the intention of getting something back, but this is going to enhance your life overall. You're going to have a partner where you feel like, wow, we're caring for each other. Make sure you are touching throughout the day. That, like intimacy, is so important.

Speaker 1: 49:40

The other thing I like to tell men in particular, then, one of the number one things I see couples struggle with when women just aren't interested in sex anymore, it's because it feels like work to them. It's gotten to this place where it feels like work for them, where the work she has to put in is more than what the payoff feels like it's going to be. So the trick is to make it not feel like work anymore, and part of that the work piece and the pressure piece, like feeling like I'm pressured into it oh, he's holding my hand because he wants me to do it, and then that's going to be work. And then I've got to put this work in and I might get the orgasm, you know, but it's like this 20 minute act and then I get the climax and then I got to clean up the mess because he's going to come everywhere. Like this is what goes through our brain, and so sometimes the best thing to do is really take sex off the table and start setting up a situation where there's an invitation right, like I want to sit and spoon with you naked and maybe watch our favorite movie tonight, and like, just know, like I don't want to have any sex. You know I don't. That's not my plan tonight. I just just want to hold you.

Speaker 1: 50:56

But you can always leave an open invitation. If you're in the mood, let me know. That's not my intention for tonight, right? Or hey, I'm kind of feeling like exchanging massages tonight up, full body massages. There's like a big payoff for her and let her know. Yeah, I want to do it without clothes on, but I just want you to know like I'm not initiating sex, I just think it would be fun, it would be a nice way to spend our Thursday evening or a Friday evening, but I'll let her know. If you want something more, let me know. But that's not my intention. Leaving an open invitation where, if she starts to feel something that she can decide and you're kind of setting up a scene where it's an easy thing to happen, but not making it the plan or the reason for doing the sexy massage or a cuddling naked or whatever you can set up those sexy moments and leave the open invitation.

Speaker 2: 52:00

Yep, when I work with couples who've been together for a while, the big complaint is we're not really enjoying sex and it's because so often it's become scripted right, I touch you there, you say, ooh, baby, you touch me here, then we're having sex. So a lot of times what I tell them is take sex off the table. You're not allowed, no more. That's the homework is do those other things. Reconnect in other ways the massage, the cuddling.

Speaker 2: 52:27

You really want to turn your lady on. Put your phone down and look at her when she's talking, when she feels heard. That is the first step in feeling connected. Ask her how her day is and listen and put your phone down, listen to her, hear what she's saying. If she knows that you're engaging with her and there's no, none of like you were saying, none of that pressure like sex is off the table for whatever. A week, sometimes I'll have people do that for a week, sometimes it's two days. But take that, take that out of the equation and just reconnect on another level and suddenly you know they'll be like whoops. We didn't make the week because we'd reconnected. But you've got to be present for your partner and it can't just be in the moment you want sex these are great tips, so give them a try.

Speaker 1: 53:19

Give them a try. The work off the table, take the pressure off the table. Integrate, touch throughout your day, little acts of like new love. When you first fall in love with someone, or you're falling in love with them, you do these things right. Do these things. The chances are, if you're not having intimacy, you've also grown apart and you don't even know who she is anymore. So get curious about who she is and start getting to know each other again as new lovers.

Speaker 2: 53:50

But again, make sure there's space for her to do that. That's some good advice.

Speaker 1: 53:56

How often do men masturbate?

Speaker 2: 54:00

Again, this is going to be an age and where you are in your life, like if you're in your 18 to like mid-20s. It could be multiple times a day without batting an eyelash, and then you know, you move into your 30s, 40s and beyond. It could be once a day, once every other day. I have worked with men who say that they don't masturbate, they don't enjoy it, it doesn't bring them pleasure, they prefer to save themselves for like being with their partner. So it really does depend A lot of times. College age, it's like, ah, multiple times a day, whenever I can find a free moment to myself, whenever I can find a bathroom. But that's going to change over time and whether or not you're with a partner and other things that are going on in your life. But I just I hate that idea because I hear this all the time oh, all men masturbate. I'm like, no, there are some who don't and that's OK.

Speaker 1: 55:58

Also, that was kind of the follow up question, I think a common question is that was kind of the follow-up question. I think a common question is how much masturbation is bad for a guy If a?

Speaker 2: 56:14

man masturbates too much, can it be harmful? That was literally the question I answered last week on my sub stack. So you're not going to wear it out, I mean, unless you've got like friction burns, in which case maybe use some more lube, but you're not going to wear out the pieces. So the thing is, if you are masturbating so much that you're not going to work, you're not going to school, you're not meeting your responsibilities, that is too much and I can't give you a number. If you are masturbating so much that you're not wanting to be with your partner, then that's a problem. But in terms of like the too much, yeah, in terms of the too much, it's not really. It's hard to draw a line there.

Speaker 2: 56:55

The big thing for me is guilt Like. If your partner is like I don't want you masturbating, you know we're together, I don't want you masturbating when I'm not present and you are you're probably going to feel guilty about it and you're going to bring that into the sex with your partner, or you're going to avoid sex with your partner because you're feeling guilty. So for me it's less about the frequency and more about the situation. I have worked with men in the deep South who really do believe that masturbating is a sin and for them, like even thinking about it is too much for them. So like once a year might be like oh crap, I like you know I did something wrong. So so much of it about is about you and how you feel about it. If you're masturbating five, 10 times a day and you're still getting your stuff done and your partner doesn't care I don't really care then it's really about your situation.

Speaker 1: 57:47

Then I'm going to add another question Is masturbating bad for men?

Speaker 2: 57:54

No, no, I don't think it's bad Again, if you're not feeling guilty. If you're like the whole time. You're like I'm going to hell, I don't even know how you're getting off. Then you're like I'm going to hell, I don't even know how you're getting off. Then For me it's anytime, and I don't care what your sex or gender is. If you can figure out what makes you feel good, that's probably going to make you better in bed. If you share that information with your partner and I tell women this all the time when they're like should I masturbate? I'm like if you're okay with it and it matches your values, you're going to find out so much about you and where you like touch and what kind of touch and what feels good. Same thing for men Like not all men like the same kind of touch.

Speaker 2: 58:32

Masturbating makes us feel good. It's going to give us a lot of the hormones that you were talking about before. Like it's a great stress reliever. Some people do it every night so they can like calm down and go to sleep. Sometimes if you're having a really bad day. It's a great way of getting. It's a great way of relieving that tension. It's a great all the time.

Speaker 1: 58:51

Yeah. So I love, I love how you addressed that question. I would say, for those of you out there who struggle with shame around it or ethical questions around it, your answer was perfecto. My answer is everybody should be masturbating. I just feel like.

Speaker 1: 59:17

I just feel like it's so important for people to know their bodies, important for people to know their bodies, especially sexually, and it's so important and I talk mostly about women in this arena I talk about women needing to know their pussies, needing to look at them, needing to smell them, needing to embrace them and love them. But I and I would say in this way I have failed my listenership because I haven't talked about men and penis owners. I think it's equally as important for men to know their bodies and what their pleasure feels like, and also to learn how to prolong pleasure and have different types of pleasure through masturbation. And you brought up again the point I like to make over and over again it's so important to have pleasure in your life every day, if possible. And I'm not saying through masturbation, it is an easy way to have it, but because you get those chemicals right and they help your whole health right.

Speaker 1: 1:00:26

Getting the oxytocin lowers the stress it can, like help with depression. The chemicals that your body releases actually can help build collagen. I mean, it's pretty amazing if you dive into the science of the benefits of having orgasms or pleasure every day and if you don't have a partner that wants to do the job for you. You've got a hand for a lot of toys and I am telling you I test them all out. They're pretty amazing and they can give your partner a break or your partner can use them on you. So you know, yeah, Anyways.

Speaker 2: 1:01:10

Well, I think we tend to think like everyone likes to be touched the same way and we don't come with user's manuals, Like it'd be great if there was one, but we don't have them. And so if you have a limited sexual experience, you may not know the different types of touch you like, or the different speeds or the different. You know, maybe you do like a little more friction, Like there's only one way you're going to find that out. Well, two, you can find it out with a new partner or you can find it out on your own. And the other thing I just want to throw this out there because I'm getting more and more questions from men who are uncircumcised and sometimes they run into partners who are like I don't know what to do with that thing, which I think we're going to see more and more men who are uncircumcised in the US. So, yeah, I think I don't think there's a should. I know you. You feel like everyone should Listen to her.

Speaker 1: 1:01:54

I'm just throwing in my Benedetti two cents, all right? No, I just she's correct.

Speaker 2: 1:01:59

I just I've worked with those people who are like I tried it and I didn't like it, and then it's like the shame spiral of why didn't I like it? Give it a go, see what you like, play with it, dress it up. I don't really care what you're doing, as long as it's making you feel good. You're not doing it in public, it's not interfering with your life like don't worry about a frequency, just make yourself happy. That's really the end of the day. That's what you got to do.

Speaker 1: 1:02:23

And I want to back up Sue's response. Doing anything that puts you into a shame spiral and affects your mental health is absolutely not good. Lot is which is better a circumcised or an uncircumcised penis? There are a lot of questions around circumcision and sexual function and what women like more and is one yucky, and blah, blah, blah, blah blah. A whole podcast episode has to be done on that, but let's just address the circumcised versus the uncircumcised penis.

Speaker 2: 1:03:13

There's still a penis there. So like one comes wrapped, one does not. And I think that's so the thing I'm finding with men and I'm getting more, like I said, I'm getting more and more questions about this. It's really about the partner's response that they'll hook up with a person who's never been with an uncircumcised person and they're having really like you know, like what's wrong with it? Like why is there all that skin? And that's making them feel uncomfortable. Mean, I can't say one's better than the other because I don't want to be like uncircumcised is better.

Speaker 2: 1:03:45

And then the thousands of men who are circumcised are like, oh man, like that sucks. I've already lost that part of me. I think it really comes down to just how you use it and how you feel about it. And and if a partner is shaming you for your body for whatever reason, maybe not the partner for you. There are some men who are uncircumcised, which I remember how he said it to me. He's like well, it's kind of covered all day so it doesn't feel anything, and then when it comes out it feels everything, like it's not rubbing against my pants, it's not, you know, against my underwear. So he thinks the sensation may be more, but there's really no way to compare that. But at the end of the day, there's still a penis there. So if that's what you're looking for, everyone wins.

Speaker 1: 1:04:28

Right and I don't remember, so I'm not going to reference. There's no science I can reference, but I'm not sure how much sensation is removed when they remove the foreskin. I do believe there is. There's obviously some sensation that is removed, but here's I can tell you the difference is one. There's a different cleaning process for one than the other, but I would say that someone who is uncircumcised has to just take care of themselves, like someone with pussy does, like we all need to take care of our junk, and if yours is circumcised, you still need to take care of your junk. It's just how you do it.

Speaker 1: 1:05:09

And if someone is with you and reacts in that way and has a problem with it number one you know right away she's not educated or experienced and her reaction tells you everything you need to know about what sex with her is going to be like. That's my opinion on it. Both are fine, both handle well and honestly when fully erect. Most of the time, when fully erect, the one with the foreskin looks like the same as the one without the foreskin. So feel good about your body. But this is a topic that is well worth a full episode on, because there are lots of questions around it and stuff like that. So I promise at some point I will get around to it. So those are the questions. I feel like we've covered a lot of ground today. Desire kink anatomy masturbation.

Speaker 1: 1:06:18

Most importantly, thank you so much for joining me and for doing this with me, because I know that you and I both get just a lot of questions that we don't get around to answering sufficiently. So, guys, if you like this episode and you have more questions you would like me or Sue to answer, or both of us, this is a great opportunity to drop them below this video over on YouTube at TalkSexWithAnnette, or email them into me, or scroll down and use my speak pipe. Annette at TalkSexWithAnnettecom is my email. You can email me so you can go to Sue's Substack and you can get a hold of her there too. But I love having the opportunity to kind of stack up our answers like this and give you answers to some of them all in one place, so I will continue to do this. If this is something you like, please give me your feedback. I want to get you the information you want. Sue, before we go, can you remind everybody where they can find you?

Speaker 2: 1:07:18

Yeah, absolutely so. You can find me on YouTube and Instagram, at HeyDrSue, so that's H-E-Y-D-R-S-U-E, and you can also find me on Substack, and if you search Milstein Health Consulting, which is a mouthful, you can find me that way, but usually people just find me on Instagram or YouTube.

Speaker 1: 1:07:39

Well, thank you so much for joining me and I hope to hear from you all and to get more of your questions, because that's what keeps me going the questions and the getting you the information you need to have a better sex life with yourself and everybody else. Thank you again for joining me today, sue.

Speaker 2: 1:08:01

Oh, thank you for having me. This was great and I'm looking forward to you joining my show.

Speaker 1: 1:08:03

I'm excited about it too. All right, and listeners until next time. I will see you in the locker room. Cheers.