Talk Sex with Annette
Talk Sex with Annette
Where desire meets disruption—and pleasure becomes power.
Hosted by sex and intimacy coach Annette Benedetti, Talk Sex with Annette is the go-to podcast for bold, unfiltered conversations at the intersection of sexuality, identity, and empowerment.
From kink to connection, self-love to sexual healing, Annette dives into the topics most people are too afraid to touch—with expert guests, raw storytelling, and a feminist lens that challenges shame and reclaims pleasure.
Think smart, sexy, and radically real: this is the cultural conversation around sex that’s long overdue.
Talk Sex with Annette
How Women Can Own Their Sexuality—And Blow His Mind Doing It
What happens when a woman truly owns her sexuality?
The s*x gets better. The spark comes back. And trust us—he’ll feel it too.
In this episode of Talk Sex with Annette, I’m joined by Dr. Bonnie Comfort—psychologist, author, and expert in helping women ditch sexual shame and step into real, raw pleasure. We’re breaking down how to stop performing, start feeling, and completely transform your sex life—from the inside out.
You’ll learn:
🔹 What “owning your sexuality” really means (it’s not just being sexy)
🔹 The invisible pressure of performative s*x—and how to break free
🔹 Why reclaiming your pleasure leads to deeper connection, hotter sex, and more confidence
🔹 What men can do to help their partners feel safe and turned on
🔹 Actual tools to reconnect with your body, desire, and e r0tic power
Whether you’re single, partnered, or feeling a little disconnected in the bedroom—this one’s for you.
Find out more about Bonnie and her book here: https://www.simonandschuster.com/authors/Bonnie-Comfort/234719297
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My spicy OF handle is @talksexwithannette
My free spicy handle is @annettetalkssex
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Cheers!
Do the sex pleasure and desire Around here. Nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends and, of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you, and if you're new, welcome to my podcast. Where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now let's talk about sex Cheers.
Speaker 2:Today's Talk Sex with Annette topic is how women can own their sexuality and have mind-blowing sex. Today on Talk Sex with Annette, we are talking about what it actually means for a woman to own her sexuality, because most of us were never taught how. We were taught how to look sexy, how to be desired, how to make someone else feel good, but how to feel powerful in our own skin, how to know what we want, how to ask for it or even believe we deserve it. That's the part that's been missing. And when it's missing, it's not just women who lose out, because here's the real hook when a woman owns her own desire, there's more sex and better sex for everyone. This episode is for anyone who's ever felt disconnected in the bedroom, for women who feel like they're going through the motions. For men who don't know why the spark is gone or how to bring it back, and for anyone who's ever felt disconnected in the bedroom. For women who feel like they're going through the motions. For men who don't know why the spark is gone or how to bring it back, and for anyone who's ready to stop performing and start having real connected, turn-you-the-hell-on kind of sex.
Speaker 2:That's what we're digging into with Dr Bonnie Kempfer, a psychologist who spent decades working with women and couples navigating shame, disconnection and the invisible weight of trying to be enough. Her new book, staying Married is the Hardest Part, isn't just about marriage. It's about how women lose themselves inside love, sex and aging, and how they find their way back. This conversation is about sexual confidence, sexual exploration, body image and breaking the rules we never agreed to but have been living under our whole lives, and we are going to dive into that now.
Speaker 2:But first I want to remind you I'm over on OnlyFans where I'm sharing my sex and intimacy how-tos demonstrations and audio-guided self-pleasure meditations that are all designed to help you start having better sex and intimacy. Tonight you can also find me over on Substack doing a whole lot of the same, and you can find me in both places with my handle at TalkSexWithAnette. You can also scroll down to the description of this episode and you're going to find links to everywhere you want to find me below. But for now, dr Bonnie, I would love it if you would introduce yourself to my listeners and tell them just a little bit more.
Speaker 1:Hi, so I'm so happy to be here on this program with you. I think what you're doing is incredibly valuable for women. I'm a psychologist. I've been in practice for over 30 years. I have worked with individuals and couples with marital issues, with sexual issues, and I struggled in my own marriage with a really important sexual conflict. That was the painful part of our marriage and both of us were very in love with each other, didn't want to leave each other, but had to struggle with this conflict and I wrote about that in my memoir. Staying Married is the Hardest Part, and I do want to help women connect more with their sexuality in a way that is self-advocating but isn't rejecting of men.
Speaker 2:I think all of my listeners are going to appreciate that, because I think a big piece that's missing is just the understanding of what's really going on there, especially in heteronormative relationships between men and women. Men oftentimes don't think women want sex and women just don't know how to even connect with their own desire or express it. So this is why, listeners, I want you to stay to the end because this conversation, first of all, we've got a very qualified guest here today to help us get those answers to how do we bridge that disconnect and make things work with our partners again, whether you're newly together because sometimes these things happen early on in relationships that disconnect or you've been together for a long time. So by the end of this podcast, you're gonna have a bit of a roadmap and, of course, as always, we are gonna give you takeaways, things you can start doing right now to start closing that desire gap and start having passionate sex again. That's the goal, right? Yes, that's our goal.
Speaker 2:And, of course, I'm going to tell you where to find her book, because her book is pretty fascinating and I think that, whether you are a man or a woman or whatever gender you are, that her story is going to resonate with you. I'm confident about it. So we're going to make sure that you get links to that book, but for now, let's start talking about sex desire and how women in particular can start reclaiming and owning their sexuality so everybody can start having better sex like now.
Speaker 1:Cheers.
Speaker 2:Cheers to that, cheers to that, right All right. So first of all, I want to start with what does it even mean for a woman in particular to own her sexuality?
Speaker 1:Really important question, and that means addressing body shame, addressing the belief that you don't really have the right to that kind of fabulous pleasure, fabulous orgasms, connection, asking for what you want. And it means that you give yourself permission, first and foremost, when you're alone, to give yourself sexual pleasure, to discover what really turns you on, to discover what your sexual you know what your sexual fantasies are, but you may not feel like you can embrace them in any way, just even in your own head, because you feel like there's something wrong with you that you have those fantasies. So there's that I think that, for women, accepting the shape of their body whatever it is, accepting your size, accepting whatever you think isn't matching the visual images that we're constantly bombarded with by the media of very skinny women, long-legged, pretty faces, big boobs, and that's not the average person. And we want the average person to feel like how you are is beautiful. And so there's that piece of reclaiming your sexuality, but there's also believing that you have the right to ask for what you want, and the important thing is how you do it, because it's not only women who have sexual shame about their desires or how they're functioning.
Speaker 1:So do men, and so do people who are non-binary. Whatever you have shame about your performance, and I know that in my book. I carried a lot of shame about that into my marriage, because I grew up believing that women were supposed to do orgasm during intercourse and if we didn't do it exactly during intercourse, that meant that we were defective, inadequate, and I carried that feeling with me and I think that we're constantly faced with that all the time. So being able to divest yourself from comparing yourself to a standard that is impossible and unlikely is a gift you can give yourself to start off with.
Speaker 2:Isn't it interesting that standard set by society robs all genders, including heterosexual men, especially in some ways, of pleasure and good sex and good connection right, because if men also believe that standard, which is impossible, then they are going to be treating women in a way that women can never match and never live up to. Not even that I wouldn't even call it living up, but live to right. So in your book you do talk about how you met your husband and I think this is a really good example of how, at the early stages of a relationship, that breakdown and connection that leads to really good sex can happen. And you talk about how you were even kind of brave. You said to him after you had sex the first time, which was primarily just penetrative sex, that you needed and wanted oral pleasure in order to have an orgasm and really enjoy sex. And because of his own shame and issues he was like I can't do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, and I was very disappointed by that and he was kind of inflexible about it. This in the context of being madly in love with this man who was charismatic, hilarious, soulful, emotionally connected. He wasn't disconnected from me, but he brought his baggage of very restrictive sexual training when he was a kid into this situation and I brought into the relationship my own shame, believing that I had to orgasm quickly and that if I took too long with a man who was giving me head, that was too much of an imposition and then I would never be able to come because I was worried about it. As soon as anxiety enters the bedroom and you're worried about your performance, it's the end of relaxing into great pleasure. So I had very frank discussions with him right then and I said well, I was one of those unusual girls who found a vibrator in my house at a very young age and I said I'm not giving that up.
Speaker 1:So he said, well, fine, let's just use your vibrator and then we'll both be happy, which we did. But it's not what I really wanted. What I wanted is to feel the gift of him wanting to give me that pleasure with his own body, and he felt ashamed about that different performance anxieties that women do. They worry that their penis isn't big enough, that it won't stay hard long enough, that if the woman doesn't climax during intercourse that means that they've failed. And these are myths that are perpetrated constantly by TV and, you know, in movies constantly.
Speaker 2:So Wouldn't you say that? One thing that I know know you and I? I think we are sexually wired the same right Like I, I. When you talk about feeling stressed about coming quick enough and all of that, I have the exact same problems. But I also think, women, we've been wired to take care of men's emotional needs, especially in bed. So when we know that if we don't come while they're inside us, they are going to have these feelings of failure and it's going to increase their insecurity and it's not going to make them feel like a man for whatever that's supposed to mean. That increases our likelihood to perform instead of receive and experience pleasure when we get performative. That's where faking comes in, and that isn't owning our sexuality, the performance piece.
Speaker 1:No, it is helping our partner feel competent and virile and sexual. And it's a lie is the problem I had with it and I faked orgasm in casual relationships. I never faked it with somebody I was in a long-term love relationship with, but I faked it plenty with brief encounters I had with men, because either I knew I was never going to get there and what was the point, or I was ready to have this person be done with me. But it's a terrible thing to have to feel like you have to do that for your partner and forego your genuine pleasure.
Speaker 2:When we forego our genuine pleasure initially, when we're in kind of the honeymoon period of a relationship, I think there's just so much excitement in being naked with someone that even if you aren't getting off sort of the I don't know the romance of it, all, the pleasuring them. I do think like women oftentimes get a lot of pleasure out of just seeing the pleasure that they give to their partner. That feels like enough in the beginning, but as a relationship wears on and you're not getting an orgasm back, you aren't actually feeling a lot of pleasure, isn't that, would you agree? That's where sex starts to feel more like work and women stop wanting to engage in it.
Speaker 1:Yes, it feels like obligation I have to do this, and it also feels like the partner is not really getting pleasure out of giving to you. I mean, yes, I feel pleasure, I'm happy to give a man pleasure, but I want him to feel the same way about doing that for me because it's an expression of love and compassion. And if a man doesn't want to do that and is afraid that he can't do it well enough and is afraid to ask, well, what do you want? How do he can't do it well enough and is afraid to ask, well, what is you know? What do you want? How do you like to do it, then it prevents you from being authentically yourself with him.
Speaker 2:Right. And if a woman has been performing this whole time and the man thinks well, I have been giving you pleasure, you've been saying the oohs and the ahs and the oh, my gods, give me more right. And then you're like yeah, but that was all fake. You build up to this point where. How do you fix that?
Speaker 1:It's really hard. Really hard because the man feels betrayed that you've been lying, you've been lying to me all this time I thought you were having a wonderful time and you're not and it feels self-blaming. Why didn't I figure that out? I know enough about a woman's body to be able to figure that out. So it's a terrible thing for everybody, but it's so. Prominent Men are so trained. Now you know pornography is geared to men's fantasies and men's taste, and it's always the women are just popping off all the time without you know any, barely any attention to what they need.
Speaker 2:And even though men feel betrayed, there's this element of, there's this element of with us, with women not owning our sexuality there is this element of self-abandonment that is taking place in our lives as we throw away our own quest for pleasure with a partner in place of performing for a partner, and and at least in my experience and I'm curious about your perspective it's like my body responded to the betrayal. And so then when I would be in bed with someone, it's like it would kind of numb out and not it would be like, okay, let's perform, because sometimes that could even mean feeling pain. Right, because I'd be just in discomfort as someone's pounding away at me and I'm not really excited. But that's where I think the real loss of the ownership of our own sexuality can happen is in that self-betrayal.
Speaker 1:I agree, and it's this self-sacrificing mode and needing to please mode that women are still, after all these decades of the women's movement, still that infuses our culture. Women wanting to please, wanting to, you know they'll ask for equal pay in the workplace, but it's not the same at home, still feel more of a need to be a caretaker, to nurture, to be self-sacrificing and not really realizing that in sacrificing that aspect of yourself, you are also giving up on your partner in a way saying you're not capable of connecting with me in a deeper way, You're not capable of feeling confident that it's okay if you don't perform the way you imagine you want to you do talk a little bit about and I feel like it's woven throughout your book the thread of women being trained to be desirable and not desired and to cater to the male gaze as opposed to their own pleasure.
Speaker 2:First of all, that happens from birth, so that's all we know. But what do you think the actual cost of this sort of training, if you will? Or yeah, basically being trained that way from birth does to not only us as individuals but in our intimate life?
Speaker 1:Well, it leaves us one down all the time, because it is, first of all, it is deferring to the traditional power that women have, which is beauty and being sexually appealing, and that is not as powerful in real life as being able to be assertive, being able to be smart, being able to be fully present as you are, to feel confident that you can express your opinions and that you will be heard. All of those things that, in a certain way, are real power are sacrificed on the altar of beauty and being sexy, and it doesn't have to be that it isn't either, or but so often the cost is that you the Barbie movie addressed it to some extent. You know, what am I made for? Am I made for this? Just to be a beautiful?
Speaker 2:doll. What does it look like when a woman owns her sexuality? We've talked about what it means. But I because again, many women, people of all genders are conditioned in the way that they are, for women to be desirable, to be pretty, to be very performance-based we don't even know what it would look like for us to actually own our sexuality. But when a woman realizes and owns her sexuality, what does that look like?
Speaker 1:Well, I think it first of all looks like her relationship with herself, and I think it's really important for women who have not explored their desires or sexuality enough to start alone and you know, and to explore what actually excites them, what actually gets them off and what their fantasies are, and whether there's something they want it acted out or don't want it acted out and don't even want anybody to know what's in your head, but it's arousing to you.
Speaker 1:So there's that. But being able to believe that you have the right to sexual pleasure is part of it and that you want to meet your partner, whoever that partner is halfway in creating that. And that means being able to have conversations that are delicate, because what I've seen over and over in my office is talking about sex is a minefield, because both partners feel fragile. The self-esteem is very tied into it, and if either one of you say something that is derogatory, or you know, or I'm disappointed in you, it's a big shutdown. And so being able to use language that is kind, that is accepting but is also inviting, is a very important part of owning your own sexuality and inviting your partner to that. But I think the core thing is reducing shame about the way your body looks and the way it performs, and enjoying pleasure alone, so that you know what turns you on, what gets you off, and being able to say, hey, I know what I like and I want you to do that.
Speaker 2:And when a woman owns her sexuality and is able to do that with a partner, wouldn't you say?
Speaker 1:the result is like more incredible, fun, playful, expansive sex, Definitely, but also and I thought you were going to say it is more self-confidence.
Speaker 2:So much more self-confidence right.
Speaker 1:Because believing that you're a sexual person who has the right to that and you're good at it and you're willing to be, have your partner learn how to be good at it and have that together, have your partner learn how to be good at it and have that together, is so affirming of yourself in the most basic way. You know that you love your body, your partner loves your body and you give that back. I mean it's the best scenario for sexual pleasure that is broader than just physical pleasure, is broader than just physical pleasure. It's feeling accepted, fully accepted, and met where you want to be met.
Speaker 2:I love that you say that it starts in the bedroom alone for a woman. I don't love the word masturbation, but we all universally know it. I like the term self-pleasure or self-love, and something I've heard from women over and over again is how uncomfortable they like, they don't like looking at I like to refer to it as a pussy. You might have your own language, I like calling mine my pussy. But vagina they're, they're equipment, but I'm going to say pussy. They don't want to see it. They feel weird about touching it, smelling it, all of that stuff. And to me, when I hear women say that, it feels like so much self-hatred, yes, and when you start masturbating regularly and touching your body and then having pleasure and orgasm, it is this act of self-love. And when you do it over and expand that practice, in my experience you can't help but love yourself and accept yourself more. Right? Wow, this body can hold this pleasure and give this pleasure, and I agree with you.
Speaker 1:I think that, starting on that, you know making love to yourself and it has nothing to do with how you look, how your body looks, you know. It is purely living it from the inside, not looking at yourself from the outside and embracing that. Your body is an amazing, an amazing thing that can give you pleasure, and I think a lot of people who have been raised in very restrictive religious environments have to work much harder at that to let go of the prohibitions that they have been taught. It isn't okay to feel pleasure with your body.
Speaker 2:Right, and I know in some relationships even people will consider if their partner masturbates, cheating Right.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes women think that, oh you're. You know you're jacking off in the shower every morning. That's why you don't want me or you don't need me. But it's not that. It's really masturbation. So, woody Allen, what great thing about masturbation is you don't have to look good, but you don't have to worry about anybody else's needs. You can just do it however you like it and not have to be anxious about any of it, about any of the being judged or measuring up, and to be able to give that to yourself at least, is so valuable. I mean, I have seen married women who have faked orgasm their whole married lives and don't even masturbate, don't even try to bring them. You know, it's just, they've just disconnected and judged that part aspect of humanity, their own humanity, and it's so discounting.
Speaker 2:That's sad it is.
Speaker 2:I can't imagine.
Speaker 2:I can't imagine going without that pleasure, because that pleasure like really feeds your whole health and your mental health and how you see the world. When you feel pleasure in your body, then you can see around you how much beauty and pleasure there is in the world. It's just, it's all around you and the different ways your body is an instrument to receive, whether it's like you know the breeze on your skin and you're you know it's like our bodies are instruments for pleasure. In my opinion, but also what that means for your partner because I know I've got a lot of men that listen to this podcast is that when a woman then comes to you and she's learned how to pleasure her own body without worrying about performance or what it looks like, we can't help but get greedy in the bedroom I know at least I can't and then pretty soon we're able to do that in the bedroom with a partner and that sort of animalistic sex that isn't performance-based is so hot to everybody. So once you start having really incredible orgasms on your own it's like.
Speaker 2:Then you're like why would I do sex without this, right, you know? Then you're with your partner and you're like for me, my journey was then I'd be with a partner and I'd be kind of trying to be sexy, and then I'd be like, well, no, I actually want an orgasm. So then I would get into what I knew worked. And then to see their face light up as they see what real pleasure versus performative pleasure looks like. They're very different and people can feel it when both of you are in that space.
Speaker 1:Right, there's this electricity.
Speaker 2:But it's hard to do that with a partner if you haven't even learned how to do that with yourself.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. That is step number one, and I have a couple of things to say about that. First of all, it's really good for your health. Sexuality giving yourself orgasm lowers your blood pressure. It's good for your immune system. There's a tremendous amount of medical research about the physiological benefits of it, so there's that fits of it. So there's that, and then there's a couple of things that I think are really helpful for women who are shy about this or not knowing what to do. One of them is well, two of them are books about women's sexual fantasies. One of them came out this last year by Gillian Anderson. Oh, I love her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she is amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the original pioneer on that was Nancy Friday, my secret yeah.
Speaker 2:My secret garden. Do you know? I found that I think I've mentioned it on this podcast before. It was the first erotica book I found in my mom's drawer when I I don't I was.
Speaker 1:It must've been very young, I that's I started masturbating right then and there I still remember some of the stories. But I want to make sure we mention that the book that Anderson put out Want. I've got a copy written in by people who wanted to say what their real sexual fantasy is, and sexual fantasy often is not intended to be acted out. A lot of people feel that it loses its power if you tell it to somebody else. I mean, I have in the past told sexual fantasies to a number of men who said, well, let's act that out, and I've tried it once or twice and that did not work for me. I want complete control of that story in my head and a lot of sexual fantasies are impossible to act out anyway.
Speaker 1:But they have tremendous power and we all have them and we didn't invent them intentionally. They just arrive in our heads, sometimes from a book or reading about it, but sometimes just from some experience. We develop an idea in our head that is incredibly arousing to us and that particular scenario of fantasy our whole life lasts as being the trigger that is most powerful for us. So there's that. But the other thing I wanted to say is that there's a website. I don't know if you know the website. Omg, yes, do you know that?
Speaker 1:I don't know. Have you talked about that? It's so. It's remarkable in the sense that they have videotapes of women of all ages and sizes who are actually showing their labia, showing how they like to masturbate, which is incredibly brave and so different than any of the girly magazines or porn stuff that we see. It's real people being brave enough to show their faces and show how they handle themselves, and I think it's incredibly valuable for diminishing shame and helping you reconnect with your own body.
Speaker 2:One of the most powerful experiences I had, because when I was younger I was very uncomfortable with my body. I had a lot of body dysmorphia. I couldn't imagine ever going to a nude beach or any place where people were naked and I'd have. It wasn't about other people being naked, it was like oh my god, I can never be naked in front of people. And I went to in Seattle, maybe. So Bonnie lives in Portland with me, so we are, we are in the same city. But in Seattle there is and I'm going to put a shout out for it here the Women's Olympus Spa, and it is only women. It's this spa that you go into, with big pools of water of all different temperatures and different rooms that are heated, and in the spa room with all the pools you can't wear any clothes Like, you have to be naked.
Speaker 2:And I don't know why I agreed to go the first time I did. I was terrified. I was terrified and it was shortly after I'd had my first child, so probably worst timing ever. But I go into this room and I saw women of I mean just I mean tons of women, all sizes, all bodies, and it was such a profound moment for me of being like oh, I'm just, I'm just average, right, right, fine, I'm okay, there's nothing weird about my body and and I could look around and see how beautiful all of these different women were, of all different sizes and all different ages. So I think that ties into how you're saying that the site OMGES gives people the opportunity to see real women, real bodies, and how profound that can be for I mean, I know, for other women, but I think also just someone of any gender, to understand what that really looks like.
Speaker 1:And stop comparing yourself to these images that we are barred and martyred with every single day.
Speaker 2:And I also want to go back to your mentioning the book Want. So Gillian Anderson is, I think, my age maybe a little bit older, and I bring that up because, also, a big part of owning our sexuality is understanding we can reclaim it or claim it for the first time at any age and that women of all ages are sexy, desirous individuals. This is not something. There's a big lie out there, and I hear it, you know, in the comments from some of the people who listen to my podcast constantly. You know, after 30, women don't want sex. You're dried up once you're 40, and I'm assuming that you can verify, along with me, that that's absolutely not true.
Speaker 1:I can definitely verify that with you from myself. But also you know so many women I've seen and I you know I constantly ask my girlfriends also what their sex life is like, because it doesn't seem to come up in normal conversation. I ask Otherwise it doesn't come up as a topic in social situations, even one-to-one with friends. Are they shocked when you ask? I think they're relieved because I go first. That gives them permission to tell me what's going on with them, but otherwise they wouldn't say anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I in my and, I wonder, my group of girlfriends primarily comes from. I'm bisexual and I have a bisexual nonprofit and that's where I've met most of my girlfriends in more of the LGBTQ community and we we talk about sex all the time, like all the time.
Speaker 1:Well, that is a privilege of being in the LGBT community that you do give yourselves and each other permission to talk about things that seem socially unacceptable and, you know, in heterosexual situations, and so I think it's great. I think it's great.
Speaker 2:I wonder if some of that is just because our sexuality is so like in the spotlight. Anyway, it's hard, you know. Why not talk about sex when your sexuality is already, like inherently, a focal point of debates and judgment and figuring things out, being ostracized for it. The bottom line is you can reclaim or claim for the first time your sexuality, if for many of us who are in our 50s and above, 40s and above, you may not have ever had the opportunity because it just wasn't talked about until now, but it's never too late.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. I mean, I had a patient who was 80, who was widowed, and she fell in love with a man you know, I don't think he was quite as old as she was. But she said I just can't believe this. I'm having the most amazing orgasms of my life at 80. So it does. There's not a switch that turns off. No, it might be slower, might be less, could be less intense, but it's not gone, nope not at all.
Speaker 2:So let's now focus on. For women who are right now listening to this and going, okay, I get it, or I'm so disconnected and sex is a chore. What are some things that we can tell them? They can start doing or their partners are listening right now to start shifting and helping her reclaim, or claim for the first time, her sexuality. What are some steps?
Speaker 1:Well, the first thing I would think about is reading. There's a couple of books that I think are incredibly helpful. The one that just whipped my head around is Emily Nagoski's book Come as you Are, because she normalized the fact that if you're anxious, you're not going to be able to relax and enjoy sex the way you want to, and she talks about all the different variations that are all normal, so it really helps you have a better idea about that. And then Lori Mintz, who's a psychologist, who's a sexologist. She wrote a book called Becoming Clitorate, which introduces you to your own body, and men should be reading it too.
Speaker 2:I had Lori Mintz on this podcast. I will make sure, since you're mentioning it, to link that interview below, because it was an incredible book and a really good interview and if you are going to start kind of taking these steps forward, that's a great place to start.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So there's that. And then I do think you start alone really getting to know your body, giving yourself permission to do whatever comes to your mind to do alone, and then learning enough to be able to communicate to your partner hey, you know what, I've tried this. I know you might be surprised by that, but would you like to try this with me? And rather than saying you know you haven't been doing anything I like or this isn't working not something critical, but something inviting Be able to say let's play, let's not even worry about orgasm, let's just let's explore each other's bodies more.
Speaker 2:Oh, that sounds so fun exploring each other's bodies. So we start with reading. We get those books that are really changing the conversation about sex, and this isn't just for women. This is, for people of all genders, super important. And those are two great books Come as you Are and Becoming Clitorate Two great places to start quick reads as well. Then a self-love, self-pleasure practice that is extensive that's what I would say. Like getting using your hands, getting toys trying different positions, yes, like and let it, letting your head go crazy places.
Speaker 1:Exactly, you can imagine anything that turns you on. You don't have to act it out. Also, if you do act it out be prepared to lose it as a fantasy? Yes, I think so. Or sometimes it can just kind of lose its power, yeah Right. But I do think you know people should explore sex toys. There's some great stores in Portland that have sex toys and you don't feel like you're walking into a store with a lot of men in raincoats.
Speaker 2:I want to harken back to the beginning of your book where you talk about. This is a good place to address the myth when it comes to vibrators and toys, how you had been told early on that the big myth that still exists. And when I do sex toy reviews, which I have on my YouTube channel, I get this comment a lot that sex toys, vibrators in particular, ruin women's vaginas like make them so they aren't sensitive anymore and they can't enjoy a penis, and all of that.
Speaker 1:Totally not true. Totally not true. You can, you know, I mean, you can get a really intense, fast orgasm from a vibrator, but that's not necessarily superior to being with somebody who loves licking you and loves feeling you get more turned on and maybe, you know, gets you close and then backs off a little bit and gets you to the point where you're just explode. I mean, that doesn't replace that. It's efficient, efficient.
Speaker 2:And sometimes we need efficiency. Yes, yes, but it definitely does not. My favorite kind of sex and I think most people's is the kind that is like a long play session where you are doing that. Sometimes you're going down on each other, sometimes you're penetrating each other, sometimes you're teasing each other and then you go back to the oral sex and you change. You know what I mean. You go in and out of it being hard and soft and uh, yeah, it's hard to replace that kind of interaction yeah, but so how?
Speaker 2:now? Let's say, the woman has gone, she's read the books, her partner's read the book, she's, for whatever period let's say a month or two been on the self-pleasure journey. But then there is the barrier of bringing that to your partner and the fear of what they might say or think. Now that's the leap right.
Speaker 1:It is, and it requires going slowly and tactfully and not necessarily sharing all that you've learned about your body right away or what you want, but being able to invite your partner right away or what you want, but being able to invite your partner to do something different. You know, let's go sit in a hot tub and play with each other a little bit, or a lot of men don't want to talk about this, and so being able to invite it without so much dialogue in the beginning is probably better.
Speaker 1:You know some men are great at that, but the men who are great at dialogue and are sensitive enough to be that tuned in on who you are as a person usually are better partners to begin with sexually than a guy who feels like he's supposed to know everything and you know and feels threatened by you wanting to talk about it more.
Speaker 2:Right, right. And so for men, if you're complaining about not having a partner who wants sex, or wants more sex, or feels passionate in bed, check yourself. Are you like carrying judgments? Are you saying or doing things that shut down her ability to share and come to you as her true self? Would you freak out if she said like? Would you freak out if she said like I want double penetration, I want you to play with my ass. You know, I want more oral sex, or I want to use toys, or I want you to tie me up, I want you to bend me over your knee and spank me. I want to call you daddy. Are you going to be able to receive those things in a way that doesn't make her feel ashamed or embarrassed? Those?
Speaker 1:are wonderful questions. I hope men are listening and if they say, well, yes, it would make me feel ashamed or embarrassed then that's the time to ask yourself what are you carrying from your childhood about how sex is supposed to be and how you're supposed to perform and how you're supposed to perform and maybe it's a huge source of shame or embarrassment for you and worth exploring how you can let go of some of those stereotypes about how you're supposed to be.
Speaker 2:I think a woman that has finally gotten to the place where she's owning her sexuality won't tolerate that at some point from a partner. In my experience as a woman who worked so hard to reclaim my sexuality, I can't tolerate that or bother with it in relationship with a man anymore, because why would I be there?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm right with you on that. My husband died sadly 15 years ago, which was a huge loss for me, and after a few years I started dating and there was one man that I really liked and I was very drawn to, and we were in bed just two or three times and then, you know, he was trying to pleasure me with his hand and I said, well, I don't like it this way, I like it this way. And he took his hand away and he said I don't want you to tell me what to do, I want to discover it for myself. And I was so turned off by that that I just thought, no, this is not going to be for me, is?
Speaker 2:that the last time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So hey, that's a great tip, guys. You just got a firsthand account of how you can kill your own chances with a woman in bed. Yeah, exactly, you've got to be open to a little instruction.
Speaker 1:Yes and be fine with it. On the other hand, you know, many years ago, when I was before I was married, I dated a man who was the exact opposite. In a half an hour he we were in bed, he had his hand on my vulva and he said do you like it like this, do you like it here, do you like it there, do you like it there? In a half an hour he knew everything he needed to know to bring me to orgasm and it was amazing. It was so great and he just was confident enough to ask.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you can do it in a sexy way too. It's pretty sexy when a guy asks you and wants to know yes, because it is.
Speaker 1:I mean to me it's a form of enormous intimate love to say I want to know all about your body. I want to know what gives you pleasure. I want to give you pleasure in the way that it feels good to you. It's a great gift and it draws a woman closer to you.
Speaker 2:And so that is a really powerful place for us to start wrapping this up. So we've told you what it means to own your sexuality, because I think that's just a core piece that's even missing from the narrative when it comes to women's sexuality. Most women don't even know what that means. Women don't even know what that means. And then we've given you why it's valuable for everybody. Your sex is going to get better, immensely better. Life is going to light up because you're going to have. You know people like to do adventures. They travel and stuff like that. You can do adventures in bed. It's every day if you want, right. And then you gave a great sort of roadmap Get the books, start educating yourself, start pleasuring yourself and exploring yourself, and then get those communication tools from the men. You need to take a look at yourself. Where are you shutting down the intimacy? Where is your shame coming into place? How are you keeping her from claiming her sexuality Right?
Speaker 1:And yeah, the other thing I want to say is some men, as they age, in their 60s or early 70s, they have prostate problems. They can't necessarily maintain an erection, so they feel like, well, it's over, for you know, I can't perform, I have nothing to offer, and that is so, not true. So not true. I mean, you know, they may still be able to masturbate, and that's fine. You can do it in bed with your partner, and that's great, and you can give your partner pleasure and that may turn you on again.
Speaker 2:Well, right, if you learn to experience the pleasure of giving pleasure without coming yourself Like there is an energetic orgasm that can take place just from giving someone else pleasure.
Speaker 1:And that can be very fulfilling for you and for your partner right?
Speaker 2:Yes, before we go, I would love for you to tell my listeners where they can find you and show them your book. Your book is out so they can identify it where they can get this book. I think you guys will really enjoy this story. Thank you for that.
Speaker 1:This is my book cover. My book is called Staying Married is the Hardest Part a memoir of secrets, passion and sacrifice. It is available anywhere, really, where books are sold. It is now available digitally and in print, but there will be an audio book coming in the next month, so there's that as well. My website is bonnicomfortcom. You can go there. It shows where to buy it, and I'm also on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn as Bonnie Comfort Author, so I would love that you found it and found it valuable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. I will make sure to share links to that. And it is captivating. It's an easy read because it's pretty fascinating, like right off the bat, and, again, I think that a lot of people are going to identify with at least parts of it in their own journey. So make sure to check it out and you guys know where to find me. You can find me over on YouTube if you are a listener, and my handle there is at TalkSexWithAnette. If you're looking for support in your sex and intimacy life, my intimacy and sex coaching books are open. You can find out more about that at TalkSexWithAnettecom. You can reach out to me, annette, at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. If you have questions about how to reclaim your sexuality or how to help your partner do that. Go to the YouTube channel, find this video, scroll down and drop your comment below, your question below, and I will do my absolute best to get you the answers that you want and need to start having better sex tonight. Again, bonnie, thank you so much for joining me and helping me help the people out there.
Speaker 1:I think you have a tremendous amount of wisdom and a great deal to give the people out there.
Speaker 2:Thank you All right listeners. Until next time. I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.