Talk Sex with Annette (Locker Room Talk & Shots)
Talk Sex with Annette
Where desire meets disruption—and pleasure becomes power.
Hosted by sex and intimacy coach Annette Benedetti, Talk Sex with Annette is the go-to podcast for bold, unfiltered conversations at the intersection of sexuality, identity, and empowerment.
From kink to connection, self-love to sexual healing, Annette dives into the topics most people are too afraid to touch—with expert guests, raw storytelling, and a feminist lens that challenges shame and reclaims pleasure.
Think smart, sexy, and radically real: this is the cultural conversation around sex that’s long overdue.
Talk Sex with Annette (Locker Room Talk & Shots)
Dating Over 40 Isn't Dead—It's Just Getting Hotter (Here's Why)
If you think dating over 40 is just ghosting, gym bros, and endless swiping with no spark—think again. In this episode, I’m joined by Andrea McGinty, the matchmaking powerhouse who’s set up over 33,000 dates and 4,200 marriages. She’s been on Oprah, CNN, and now she’s here to spill the secrets from her new book 2nd Acts: Winning Strategies for Dating Over 40. Whether you're divorced, widowed, or just sick of the apps, Andrea’s insights will flip everything you thought you knew about midlife dating—and show you how to make your next chapter the sexiest one yet.
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Cheers!
Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's topic is think dating over 50 is a dumpster fire. This matchmaker's secrets will blow your mind. If you think dating over 50 is just a sad game of ghosting and dinner with dudes who talk about crypto and hitting the gym, think again.
Speaker 1:My guest today is Andrea McGinty, and she's not just any dating coach. She is the godmother of modern dating, a matchmaking legend with over 30 years of experience, founder of the global service it's Just Lunch and the woman behind more than 33,000 dates and 4,200 marriages. It's really impressive. She's been featured on Oprah, cnn, the Wall Street Journal and now she's here with me in the locker room because she's just launched her brand new book, second Acts Winning Strategies for Dating Over 50. And, trust me, she's about to flip every outdated idea you have about finding love later in life. I'm excited about this conversation because y'all know if you've been listening for any time your girl is single. Scroll down. You're gonna find all of my links below to wherever you wanna find me. But for now, andrea, could you take a moment to introduce yourself to my listeners?
Speaker 2:Hey, annette. Yes, I'm excited to be here because if I went back 30 years ago, to the beginning of my career, there was no place for women, aren't there that were like in their 50s and 60s. Today the whole world has changed, which I'm like. Okay, some people complain I'm giving up so much of my privacy. I'm like the heck with privacy. Hey, we can date now. The world has opened up.
Speaker 2:So I started 30 years ago after I was getting married and a couple days before the wedding he called it off and I was in my early twenties in Chicago and my world collapsed at that point, but I kicked my butt and got out of it. Collapsed at that point, but I kicked my butt and got out of it, started thinking about okay, there's got to be a better way to date and do this. And my background is finance and accounting, which I never did in my life. I've always been good at fixing my friends. I've actually two of my college roommates I've fixed up and they are still married to this day. Actually, two of my college roommates I've accepted. They are still married to this day.
Speaker 2:But anyway, I started thinking after this happened to me. Oh my gosh, you know how do you meet people. And then executive recruiter called me about a job and I thought to myself why is there like somebody like that would be calling me about my personal life? You know like, hey, andrea, we've got this perfect guy for you. He fits XYZ and ABC. And I started thinking about it. Remember, we're in 1990. There's no Google, there's no online dating. That's how the whole ball got rolling. I started a company called it's Just Lunch because I was a big believer in meeting somebody for just an hour and meeting over lunch or meeting over a drink after work, putting the two people together and they really didn't know much about each other, but they'd meet up for lunch and into boss. Fast forward, 20 years later, we had 110 locations worldwide and that's when I ended up selling the company.
Speaker 2:I had two offers at that point, one from matchcom and one from a private equity group, but I really saw the writing on the wall. I saw online dating in its infancy, when it was just a chaotic mess. But by the time we hit, when it was just a chaotic mess, but by the time we hit 2010, 2015,. A lot of them have it together and there's over 1,400 dating platforms out there. And, of course, in the meantime, I'm aged too. I'm no longer 22. Now I'm in my 40s and 50s. I did get married. I was married for 24 years and then I got divorced. So I knew what it's like to hit early 50s and be single again. And that's when I started 33,000 Dates, which is all about how to use the internet, how to use online dating the right way. So you're getting what you want and it's not like this scary place, and you're using the right sites and you're doing it the right way. So I'm very business oriented, action oriented and strategic in the way I go about dating.
Speaker 1:Fantastic, and so we're going to mine that experience and your knowledge so that my listeners who are out there, who are in midlife so 40s, 50s and up and single and wanting to find love again or whatever it is you want to get out of dating, can do that more effectively. And I know there's a lot of you out there, because I'm on TikTok and all the social media platforms and I hear everyone complaining about dating and midlife. So stay to the end, folks, because this whole conversation is going to help guide you to having the ability to find the relationship you want, or at least having a better shot at it. And, of course, at the end of the podcast, we're going to give you the takeaways so you can start changing your love life, starting tonight. This afternoon. It's the morning, right now. This always posts in the morning, so by the end of the day maybe you'll have a date lined up, who knows? So stay to the end, andrea. I'm excited to have you here.
Speaker 1:Let's get ready to talk about dating and finding love. Let's get ready to talk about dating and finding love. Andrea brought wine. She's spicy this morning. I love it, cheers. Let's talk about dating in midlife, andrea. Let's just blow up the biggest myth right off the bat why is dating over 50 not a?
Speaker 2:death sentence, but actually a total advantage. It's a total advantage dating over over 50 because we're so much wise. People complain about baggage and I'm like let's reframe that, folks. Let's call it life experience. We know so much more than we knew in our twenties and we know how to spot things. Now we're not 22 and don't know what we're doing. We know what we want and a lot of times we, even more so, know what we don't want. So when you're dating in your fifties, you probably never imagined that you would be, because maybe you walked down the aisle at 25 or 30 or were in a long-term relationship and you did not think, whoa, wow, I can't wait to do this again when I'm 50 or 55. No, none of us thought that. But we are in such a lucky era because it's not our parents, it's not our grandparents' era where I mean, that was the kiss of death If you were single in your 50s, because, good luck, your friends are all married.
Speaker 2:Meeting people is really difficult, but not anymore with online dating. There's over 1,400 platforms out there dating apps, dating sites and there's a good portion that really focus on us, the 45 plus, the 45 to 65-year-old group so there's so many easy ways to meet people. Now Are they going to knock on your door? No, you've got to do a little work. You've got to get on your laptop. You can't let tech scare you, because there's really nothing scary about it. They've improved it so much over the lifespan that I've been in this business, which is over 30 years.
Speaker 2:And the verification processes the top dating apps put people through with their photos that they're really who they say they are. They've gone through so much of that. They can even age photos now. So when you're online, you're not looking at somebody that when he shows up on a date you're like, oh, he looks about 20 years older than that photo. That that just doesn't happen anymore. So we're living in it.
Speaker 2:We're living in a great age and on top of it, everyone thinks, thinks my male clients. They're all like all the good women are taken. My female clients are like all the good men are married. It is so, not true. Look at research I'm very research driven and 28% of men over the age of 50 are single, meaning single, widowed, divorced and 30% of women are. So there's a 2% spread there. So it's not like it's really female heavy out there, it's just women like to talk about this a lot more and complain about it. So get rid of those negative friends that are complaining about dating and do this on your own. Don't talk about your dating life to your married friends or to your single friends, who you know have a bad attitude.
Speaker 1:Right, because I will say, online you hear especially women, but the men are now chiming in as well that are in sort of their midlife phase, 40s and up. I'm going to say 40s and up. I think that's a fair category to focus on Talk about how awful dating the other cohort in their age range is. So women are fed up with the men in their age range 40s and up in the dating sphere, and then men are now chiming in with their own complaints. Right, it's interesting to me that you say we're kind of equally single. However, there's this huge focus on the male loneliness epidemic. So I would ask you this Do you find that a lot of women in midlife are choosing just to stay single in comparison to the men in the same age group?
Speaker 2:I find that there are equally women and men in their 40s, 50s, 60s that are looking for relationships. There is a loneliness epidemic in this country. There is a loneliness epidemic in this country and it's something. University of Michigan has a really good study that's been going on for years now and it really talks about the loneliness epidemic and that people, if they lose somebody or they get divorced and they do nothing about it. When we talk about longevity of life and a happy life, sure, okay, eat the Mediterranean diet, do your 10K steps every day, but the number one thing for happiness and living long and healthy is a romantic partner in your life, number one thing that determines how long you're going to live and how happy and how healthy.
Speaker 1:Is that for both genders? Because my understanding is in marriage, men tend to live longer when they're married than when they're single, whereas it's the opposite effect for women. Is that what your research has shown you?
Speaker 2:My research hasn't shown me that at all. It shows equally that both sexes are living longer with a romantic partner, with somebody they love. Now, does that necessarily mean marriage? When we're talking about the 40s and 50s a lot of the 40s and 50s they will get remarried. Maybe it's a first marriage, maybe it's a second marriage. Now, when we're talking about the 60s, it's more of an exclusive, long-term relationship. They don't really care as much about getting married, but still they have that connection. So you know, that connection, whether it be marriage or just a long-term relationship, is very important.
Speaker 1:Right. Intimacy, touch sex. Folk sex is important until the day you die. All right, so let's get into it. I want to start with what are the top. Let's say three complaints. You hear from women about dating in their 40s, 50s and beyond Women's number one complaint all of the good men are taken.
Speaker 2:Uh-uh, they're not. I already talked about the statistics on that. That's absolutely not true. Number two women tend to talk to their female friends and there's too much negativity out there. They want to talk about the bad. They want to talk about oh, I met this weird guy online, or this happened on a date, or that happened on a date, and so they tend to focus on negativity. The third thing is they send messages while they're online but they're not getting enough back and men aren't responsive. And I say hey, you know what that ball's in your court. That's your problem, that's not the site you're on and it's not the men's problem.
Speaker 2:The problem is you're doing something wrong online. It might be your photos, it might be what you wrote in your profile. No man wants to read in a profile. These are the 10 must-haves. I must have Two or three things that are important to you and are dispersed in a positive way. That's fine to do, but when you are being so specific about what you're looking for, there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want, but listing them out like that can be such a turnoff to men. And then women wonder why am I not getting a message back, and also sometimes in their bios or their profiles.
Speaker 2:There could be some negativity too. I'll give you an example. I've been on this site for four years and I don't want the following and then they make a list of all the bad things that have happened to them. Or their first message to the man that they're interested in a potential date with is hi, I see you play tennis, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And then how's it going for you? I bumble. I'm just finding the quality of people are awful. How about you? Oh my gosh, I cannot believe. You just said that. I tell women if they're asked that question by a man, what? On a couple texts back and forth before you actually meet for a date, the man says something to you like how's your experience been on this site so far? There's only one answer you know what? It's been great, I've met so many interesting people. It's not the right one yet Right right.
Speaker 1:So I mean yeah, that gets me to what are, and then we'll move on to the men. But what are the top mistakes that women are making on their profile? So it sounds like negativity.
Speaker 2:Poor photos. It's visual. We all know online dating is visual and I would say when I'm working with clients, I have about 70% of them that I'll send to a professional photographer. And I don't mean go get photos that like look LinkedIn-ish, like look corporate-y, or they're in the studio with those like swirly backgrounds behind you, but get good pictures. If you're adventurous or you're outdoorsy, show me the pictures. Show me you in an outrigger canoe. Show me you skiing. Show me you doing these things, versus telling me. The pictures sell so much more than the words. Plus, the men just don't read. They just don't read.
Speaker 2:And women one of the mistakes they make. They'll write a long profile. Nobody's going to read it. They're better looking at your photos. And men, if they're interested, they're going to glance at your profile. When you think about magazines like Men's Health or GQ, there's a reason they write bullet points and blurbs because that's the way men like to look at news. So they want to see just three or four bullet points about you that are really specific and interesting. Not just I like to cook, but people go crazy for my French silk pie, something that's much more specific. So those are some of the mistakes women make.
Speaker 1:Your French silk pie. I'm just saying there's a metaphor in there, folks, you might want to borrow that one. People go crazy for it. All right, that's wonderful. So now let's talk about men. What are their top like? Three complaints about online dating? Women in their 40s, 50s and beyond women in their 40s, 50s and beyond.
Speaker 2:Men have the same complaint over and over again. 40% of my clients are men and this is what they all say why, when I'm online and I open it up and I look at it on my phone or my laptop or whatever, and I get winks and smiles and likes and no message, what does that mean? Why could she not write a message? Basically, the men feel like she just kicked the ball back in my court, right? Does she not have anything to say? Now I have to do all the work. What's a wink or a smile mean? Like, come on, let's get with it. Yeah, you can send a wink or a smile, but send a good message too, and it's easy to send, from a female perspective to a man, a good response. You're looking at their photos. They have five or six photos. It might be a family photo. It might be a family ski vacation, it might be, you know, whitewater rafting. You know, make a comment about something that they're doing and then about your own experience with something adventurous that you do. You know that fits them, and I mean, if you're not adventurous, that's okay too. You're probably not picking the guy who's doing all this adventure. You know, kind of travel. But men really complain about those likes and winks and hearts. And why can't women send a message?
Speaker 2:The other message I have for women here from the men is that sending a message to a man before they reached out to you showed a lot of self-confidence, and self-confidence is very sexy to men. So send a well-thought-out message and don't send a book. So send a well thought out message and don't send a book. Set you know, three or four sentences and then end it with I'm interested, let's grab a drink. Always use salutations, you know, hey, mark, warmly, mia. So use names and make it warm and gracious. And there are parts of the country where I see varying messages, like New York. New Yorkers can tend to be very brutal with their messages, like one-liners. You know, what are you looking for? I've been doing this forever. What are you looking for? Let's just get this over with out front, or I'm looking to get married again. What are you looking for? Do you think that's gracious or anybody really wants to respond to you?
Speaker 1:Right, like a little foreplay here, folks, a little foreplay, right, that's what we need. So that's one thing, but what's the second complaint that they have?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that men have. They want to make sure that women are not lying. So, women, what you can do is, when you post a photo, also post when it was taken, like March 2025, December 2024, if it's a Christmas shot or something so that they really see this is what they're getting, because there's nothing worse than for either a man or a woman showing up on a date and seeing this person and they look 10 years older than their pictures and 20 pounds heavier than their pictures. So you know honesty. Let's be honest with what we're showing, Right, and we're going to have a lot more success too, and so then a third complaint men have about women's online dating profiles and responses.
Speaker 2:The last one would be with responses. Online dating moves very quickly. The etiquette online is generally within 12 hours. You should be responding to someone. Are you carrying your tempo around all day? No, but you've got your cell phone. Get back to the person right away. And the other thing is if you've had a good first date with somebody. I was just on the phone before this with a client and she said we had a good date yesterday and I said when was it? And she said lunch and I said did you respond back that you want to see him again? She goes no, I was kind of waiting till today and I said no, if it's a lunch date that you went on with him yesterday and he picked up the tab, which is very common.
Speaker 2:Thank you, men, for being so gracious. Later in the afternoon, early evening, the appropriate thing is manners, is etiquette is to send a message, you know. Thank you so much for a lovely lunch and a lovely discussion. I'd love to do this again. What would you think about and offer up an idea If it's somebody you want to see again, would you like to go hiking? Or I have two tickets to this event coming up this weekend. Would you like to be my guest. So be reciprocal in what you're doing and show some interest. What?
Speaker 1:are the three top mistakes men are making with their own profile in online dating.
Speaker 2:Oh, number one easy Photos. Oh my gosh, after I sold, it's Just Lunch and started 33,000 dates. There was a reason I started 33,000 dates. One of my best friends, a couple, got divorced and luckily I was able to stay friends with both of them and they were like 48, 49 when they got divorced and Mark, the husband or the ex-husband, called me and said I don't know what I'm doing online dating. I'm getting the worst women. So I said, okay, give me your login and your password, let me go in and see what you're doing here.
Speaker 2:So I go in and I'm like, oh my gosh, this guy is a successful CFO, he's good looking, he's very marketable. And I look at his photos and he has a photo he took like a selfie in the car, a selfie in the bathroom, a selfie with the fish. I'm like, mark, what's up with the fish? You don't even fish. He goes. I don't know. I just thought it was like kind of unique. I go. That's not a term for any woman. You know.
Speaker 2:Bad photos, bad photos. So, number one mistake men make are just awful photos. So okay, photos that work for men, showing a picture of you maybe walking your daughter down the aisle as she's getting married. Another good photo could be a family party, thanksgiving, because it also shows you in a social light that you have people in your life that you're close to. So by far men's biggest mistake is with their photos. The second mistake would be too much chatter online, too much texting back and forth, and this might go to somebody who's 50, recently widowed, it happens, or recently divorced, and they're writing about it to this strange that they're communicating with. I mean, this person's still a stranger and they're talking about it. And as a woman, you're thinking, oh, I don't want to be his interim girlfriend, right? I don't want to be the one to be his therapist and talk him through this and get him over it and get him ready for other women. So keep the personal stuff to a minimum and get it to the first date as fast as possible, because you cannot tell chemistry online and when it's going back and forth too much with text, those are not real dates.
Speaker 2:And I talked to a client earlier this week a male client and I said, okay, so tell me about the past week, and he said, oh, it's great. And I'm like okay, how many dates did you have? He said none. So what was great he goes. Well, look at me, because I'm online with my clients at the same time, so I'm on the same dating app or site with them and I'm looking and he's writing long texts. She's writing long texts and he thinks he's in a relationship. He's already told some of his friends that he played golf with over the weekend about this woman who he's never even met, who is just fantastic.
Speaker 2:Or this is the other thing that is just as bad, but even more of a time waster phone calls. So he also said to me and I had a great phone call with her and then my normal question is for how long? Oh, probably, it was like an hour and a half. And then I told her I'd call her the next day and we talked again for probably 45 minutes and I said those aren't real dates. You're getting nowhere. You have to go out on the date. Those are just total time wasters.
Speaker 2:When you put those two dates together, I mean, that's over two hours. You could have taken a shower, shaved, met this woman in person and found out whether or not the two of you had chemistry or not, because chemistry is not going to happen with the written word or with a chatter over the phone. It just isn't. So stop all this texting. And the way it really should work. And I tell my men this all the time you text, she texts, you text, she texts, you suggest place time for the date. And if you go, something like this oh, we've got so much in common. I'm excited to meet you. How does Friday or Saturday around four work for a drink and an appetizer? And let's do it halfway between us? And what do you think about Bistro 110? Have you been there? So we're being specific, we're being specific. We're throwing out two dates and we're throwing out a place to meet. The worst thing the men can do is say something like I'd like to meet you sometime. I'm just like what Sometime? Sometime's never going to happen, right.
Speaker 1:So what you're saying is they should initiate that date in that manner. They should say let's give them a couple of dates, give them a location halfway in between. When a man wants to go on a date with me, he needs to come my direction. That's just how I do it, because for me it's like I think there's a higher risk factor for women just in meeting a man on a date, and I'm just like I need to be close to my home. I need a quick exit plan. If so, I'm just here's where I live, and you know what.
Speaker 2:I agree with you there because just as as the men can throw out the idea of a first date, just as often I like to see the women throwing out the idea of a first date. Now, let's say you live a half an hour from each other. I am 100% with you that the man should do it 10 minutes from your house. He drives 20 minutes, you drive 10 minutes. Absolutely fine, and most men will be totally fine with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for me, a man who that seems to be a problem, where they're like oh well, but that's all the way where you live, you know, I'm instantly like this probably isn't going to work for me. That's just, that's my instant reaction, because I also know myself. I live in Portland. There's like all of these outskirt towns like Beaverton and Gresham and stuff like that that can take anywhere from a half hour to 40 minutes to get to. And I know for a fact if I meet someone who lives there and I'm going to have to go that direction a lot unless I'm absolutely this guy has to be like he's got to be something super special for me to want to do that regularly, like coming my direction more. Or I know that it's got to be something super special for me to want to do that regularly, like coming my direction more. Or I know that it's going to peter off for me. Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:And I agree with you and I think the majority of men will absolutely do that they like to drive.
Speaker 1:Men love to drive. I hate driving. I have yet to be in a relationship where the man wanted me to drive, like where we got in a car and he was like why don't you drive me? Never have I ever had that happen and guys just tend to like I hate driving. So I need a man who wants to fight the traffic to get to his woman.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, I agree, and I think best men will do that. And, as I said, when a woman is suggesting a date, if there's a 45 minute split between where the two of you live, make it within like 10 minutes of your house and you can drive the half an hour Absolutely positively fine. And it's so rare where a man says no, yeah, I want to be exactly.
Speaker 1:And everything you've just said about profiles I think resonates with me with my past experience. First of all, like sometimes I used to joke with my girlfriends when I was on the apps that I'd be scrolling through men and I'm like if there was horror movie style music playing behind me while I was scrolling, it would totally fit the pictures I'm seeing. I'm like why would they take photos like that? Some of them are literally make them look like somebody you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. You know, if you think about how we're socialized, women are socialized to focus on their physical appearance and how they look, and men aren't really taught that as well. So when they're now trying to take pictures because they have to do that, they have no concept. But sometimes the photos I'm just like Jesus Christ, talk to a girlfriend, have her look at the photos you're putting up and tell you what it looks like, right.
Speaker 1:And then, on the other hand, I think that the negativity can go both ways. I mean, I'm really turned off by a profile from a guy who's like I don't want a woman with drama and you better match your pictures. Men will put that in their profile too, and I would imagine like also with women. In fact I'm bisexual and I have dated women and been on the apps dating women and I would imagine like also with women. In fact I'm bisexual and I have dated women and been on the apps dating women and I've seen a lot of that as well and I'm just like like that means that's kind of for me your overall personality, right. If you're willing to put it on your profile, then I'm going to assume that's going to be 90% of what I experience when I'm with you, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And anyone who's putting any type of rants on a profile, I don't care. If it's about dating, politics, whatever, get off. Keep it off your profile. Nobody cares, you know, I mean there's boxes. You check on every single site out there liberal, conservative, whatever, linkedin, that Right. There's no reason you have to get into politics in a long rant because it's a big trouble.
Speaker 1:Right, and so I believe one of your concepts in dating over 40 or 50 that you talk to people about is to think of your profile like it's your branding correct? Yes, Can you just let's cap this part of the conversation with explaining what that means to people who might not fully understand the concept of branding themselves.
Speaker 2:Sure. Okay, my book, which just came out two ago. It has 15 worksheets in it and then it also has QR codes in it where I explain how to work through the worksheet. Like the first worksheet just kind of gets you into it, Like where's your head at and it really shows, like whether or not you're ready to date or not, which I think is a good way to start.
Speaker 2:Okay, Branding is really important. You are already doing it, whether you know it or not. You're on Facebook, you're on Insta, you're on TikTok you could be on a lot of things. You're already branding yourself, so you LinkedIn. You're branding yourself, so you're branding.
Speaker 2:I have a whole worksheet that takes you through. What do you want your brand to look like? What do you want to look like? How do you want to portray yourself to others? What do you look like? Think about it, Because I think when we go on Instagram, a lot of people aren't really thinking about what's my branding look like? How am I coming across to other people? And that's really important.
Speaker 2:If you don't understand branding, you don't need to read book found branding All you need to do. Or you don't even need to Google it or use AI or anything. Do this worksheet, my book, and it'll really make you think about what is my brand. And part of what I do in that worksheet is have you reach out to a couple of close friends and come up with some descriptive words about you and how they see you and how they see your brand and how they would write an elevator pitch about you. A lot of people that aren't in business don't know what an elevator pitch is either. Reaching out for some help from some girlfriends or friends can be very helpful with your own branding and I don't mean generic words like fun, happy, positive, considerate, kind, nice. Those words mean nothing. They mean just absolutely hopefully we're all those things you know, but they don't mean anything. You've got to come up with great descriptive words that are going to build your brand image.
Speaker 1:That makes sense. You want people to get a sense of like who you really are and then attract, hopefully, similar folks. So let's move to really quickly. And then I want to get to the first date, because I think that's important, like what we do on the first date, but, like for someone like me, I have chosen at this point not to be on apps and I know that's sort of one of the things you're teaching about mostly is how to brand themselves on apps. But for somebody like me and people who just need a break from that kind of dating, where would you suggest people who are in their 40s, 50s and beyond go, or what should they do? Who want to veer away from the apps right now?
Speaker 2:Okay, you don't want to do the apps. What I would say then, is get involved in things that you are genuinely interested in. I'll give you an example. I had a client not too long ago, a female client in her late 40s, and she thought it would be a good idea to go to the driving range every night and hit golf balls, because it's a good place to meet men. Yes, good idea, except she hates golf. So, as she's hitting golf balls, she's meeting men, and then men are saying would you like to go out and play around, Would you? And she hates it, you know. And then it comes across really fast Sir, don't do stuff you don't like.
Speaker 2:One of my things is I'm thinking to yoga and my yoga studio. I go to like probably four times a week and each class is about 40 or 50 people. My husband cracks up this he goes how many men today? And because I always count how many men are in the class, so all right, let's say there's 40 people in the class. I'm like today there were eight, Today there were six. That you know. And I tell them and I think to myself those are smart men and they're all age groups, from 30, 40, 50, 60 in the class. Maybe they're doing yoga because they love yoga and they want to get in shape. But it's also an awesome place for the guys to meet with it, because there's all that chatter, you know, before class starts. Get there 10 minutes early, Okay.
Speaker 2:What else can you do? Do some meetups, Like I would say, throw it all at the wall, Like don't just say I'm going to do one thing and I'm going to focus on this one thing. Okay, meetups, there's some. You're in Portland, so you're in an outdoorsy market, so a meetup like a hiking meetup, that will be a nice mix of men and women. Now, if you're going to go take a pottery class, it's going to be a lot of women, it just is. That's the way that one rolls. So do some things that you really like and you're really interested in yourself. And that's the best way to meet people outside your circle, because we tend to have tight circles and groups of friends and we need to get outside that circle of friends sometimes. Now, as far as the meeting organically or meeting in the wild Meg Ryan, meet cute at Whole Foods Okay, that just doesn't work. It just doesn't. I mean, your odds are so low at meeting somebody that way.
Speaker 1:Can I give a tip though? Because here's what I do. I'm going to tell you the top two places I get asked out regularly. Uber drivers I can count on almost, and it sounds crazy but it's true. But I would say 30% of the male drivers end up asking me out, which, by the way, is also uncomfortable because then you feel forced into giving them information because they've got you in their car, so also kind of freaks you out creepy, so drawback to that. But grocery stores have been good for me. That but grocery stores have been good for me. I have to admit I have an advantage I'm short, I'm very short, so I will sidle up to a guy who's attractive, who's given me a smile, because I do think more men are going there looking for what. I think I've noticed an uptick in Portland and I'm short, and so I'll go to get something off a top shelf and make it look hard for myself and inevitably they'll offer to get me whatever I need off the top shelf.
Speaker 2:Okay, and then what happens?
Speaker 1:next. Then I thank them and I start a conversation. I talk to strangers all of the time, interview them. I'm good at asking questions. People love and this is a great segue into the first date. I am a great date because I'm very curious and people love to have people ask them questions about themselves. So I'm also pretty witty and good at saying something funny. It gives me an opportunity to make a joke about my height or whatever and then ask them something. If they're interested, they're going to engage and continue the conversation. Right, and I can hold a conversation all by myself. So you figure out a lot. But I think you're right In general. There's the other side of it.
Speaker 1:A lot of women would say when I'm going to the grocery store or running these errands, I don't want to have to deal with men hitting on me. It's a hit and miss. You've given a lot of solutions to the profile. You've given ideas for you don't want to get on the apps. Here's kind of how you can go about it.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about the first date or even if you're going to the meetup and that first conversation starts, how do we have success in person? Because where a lot of the complaints online, especially from women, and I'm going to say, at least from what I'm hearing and seeing, women tend to complain about first dates more than men. Is that I would go and be like a really engaged first date. The date would end and the guy would be like this was so fun. I really go in for the kiss, like, say they want to go on the next date, and I would have had just a miserable time.
Speaker 1:I'd be at the end of it, I'd be tired, I'd have carried the conversation and I'm like this wasn't fun for me. You know, you didn't ask me anything about myself, right? You told me about your bunions, Like, oh, I need to go home and take a shower. These are things that have actually happened to me on first date. So can you help listeners know what to do on the first date? That's going to lead to a second date. Right, that's our goal. Let's get to the second date.
Speaker 2:Right, that's all. The first date is it's information gathering and knowing. Do I want to go on a second date with this person? Okay, so a couple of things from what you just said. You don't want to talk about actual problems like what you just mentioned, but I had somebody last week say to a client of mine yeah, I'm getting knee replacement surgery next week, and talk about it Out the date. She's like what, I'm like never. Thank you, you know, I barely know you. So that obviously was going nowhere. So conversations on the first date get your news somewhere. I don't care if you get it from Apple or Yahoo or the Wall Street Journal or whatever. I have some interesting topics to talk about, and talking about interests too.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, this is a problem that I've seen since the beginning of my career at age 22. Men, men like to talk on dates. Men can go on and on, and so here's what I tell my female clients. So you can go to one of those kind of dates and, just being there, a bad person, and I don't know why they do it, and I'm not a sociologist or a psychologist or anything, but I don't know if it's like back to the caveman era. I'm a hunter gatherer, and I'm just trying to show my masculinity. Who cares what it is, they do it right. How do we get out of that so that this whole hour date does not turn into, just like you know, a monologue? So what I tell my clients is, after 10, 15 minutes and he's going on and on about something and there may be some potential it's just to put your hand up and go oh, just wait a second. I feel like I know so much about you. You're such a good conversationalist, you must have a ton of questions about me. So, shoot, what do you want to know about me? And it's a really nice way to interrupt, though and you're laughing as you say it, you have a smile on your face, but they start asking you questions, and then it becomes dialogue. It becomes back and forth talk. Now, if you make it to that second date where you've had a talker, you'll find, for the most part, it reverses not totally, but it becomes more of a 50, 50, 60, 40 type of conversation. But after 15 minutes, I would say cut it off that way, just cut it off.
Speaker 2:Though I'll tell you, after I got divorced, my first week of online dating, I went in five first dates and that's like too many first dates for one week because I couldn't even remember what I talked about with each person. This one guy, he was a doctor. He was like a dermatologist, plastic surgeon, and I'm just thinking to myself this guy is so boring. And then I decided no, let's re-fraud this, andrea, you have no interest in him. Ask him a lot of questions about product and face because he likes to talk about, and I felt like I got like a 45 minute console on the best products for you know using on my face and you know, looking younger and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:And I always laugh about that date. Because he even called me afterwards for a second date, I thought, no, I really enjoyed meeting you, but I met somebody else and I kind of want to see what's going to happen with him. But I didn't walk away with that date with nothing. I walked away with some really good vitamin C serum and a good hyaluronic acid to use on my face, so it wasn't a waste.
Speaker 1:I love that. I love that you turned it into something you got something out of, because I do think a lot of women feel like after they go on dates that they've lost time. It's like I didn't get anything out of that and guys will be like, well, did he pay for the meal? Most of us can pay for our own food and we'd rather spend that 20 bucks on our own food than like lose all of that energy and time. We most of us get paid more than like $20 for what ends up being like a two hour date. It's not a good trade-off.
Speaker 1:So that's one thing like a huge tip for men. Yes, you're selling yourself, but part of selling yourself is demonstrating that you are a good listener, that you're curious about her, that you're an empath, listen to her stories and react to them right, like. I think that we get so. So and this is for people of all ages, but especially older men, because they're really trying to prove their worth so into the selling of themselves that they forget that the selling, the real sell, happens when you demonstrate your quality of character to a woman and what you're going to bring. So let's do this. First, I'm going to ask you some yes and no questions, some quick like rattle off your advice. First date should it be a quickie drink or lunch, or should we have a full romantic dinner?
Speaker 1:It'd be a quickie, drink or lunch. Kissing on the first date yes or no? You feel it yes. Sex on the first date yes or no? Probably no, probably no. Okay, dress how do you dress on the first date? Dress up, dress down.
Speaker 2:Don't, okay, first of all, don't drink coffee dates. Coffee dates are compounds. It's showing up in your lulus. It's not attractive. Look so dressing up, you know? Okay. A drink date a pair of jeans, a cute shirt and a pair of heels Great. A lunch date a cute top, a pair of jeans and some high-end sneakers Perfect.
Speaker 1:Okay, no dresses. I always wear dresses to the first date. No, too much For cocktails.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah for cocktails. Yeah, dress is great for cocktails, yeah, Okay perfect, not for lunch, not for lunch, okay Ask for the second date at the end of the first date, or wait until you've parted and gone home. First you like them, you can say no, I had a really great time. I'd love to do this again.
Speaker 1:How do you feel? Either man and woman can do this. All right, yep, absolutely Okay. Talk about your ex on the first date a little early.
Speaker 2:You could talk about your kids.
Speaker 1:That's normal family kids when do you talk about sex?
Speaker 2:that's usually around three, very common time for first time intimacy for some. Some people it's very much of an emotional connection first. For some people it's purely recreational. If you're both in the recreational thing you could have sex on the second date, right. But if you need that emotional connection it's probably going to go to date five or six. Who?
Speaker 1:pays on the first date he does. Who pays on?
Speaker 2:the first date he does.
Speaker 1:Who pays on?
Speaker 2:the second date. I think the woman should have probably asked for the second date or suggested something for the second date pay. Oh, interesting, the one who asked pays.
Speaker 1:I like that. I like that. That sounds fair. So let's say that's something you're like hey, yeah, I want to find a partner, but also I'm really into this kink right now, or I want to explore that kink. Do you put that in your profile and do you bring it up on the first date, or do you wait to get down the line to bring that up? I would put it in your profile, I would not put it in my profile.
Speaker 2:However, you know, if the first date's going really well and the conversation does segue into sex, you can be like yeah, I'm a lot more experimental than I was in my 20s, right Boom, you just said you're a little more adventurous in your sex life now.
Speaker 1:Right, because if you like the person and you get to date three and then you find out they're like I'm vanilla and that's weird to me, then you're done. You're done Right. You're like, hey, we can be buddies, but we're not going to. I'm not interested in missionary for the rest of my life with the same guy, right, yeah. Or woman, right, like. So if you're a guy and you're like I need to get kinky, don't wait till date five or think that you can convince her to.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly, because I think a lot of us have gotten a lot more experimental in our 50s than we were in our 20s, because it was like it wasn't talked about as much, we didn't really have as much Internet, and missionary was like kind of I don't know what we kind of came up with Right. But yeah, I think we're a lot more open to trying a lot of different things.
Speaker 1:Absolutely All right. That's good Politics. Do you put your political affiliation in your profile or do you talk about it on the first date, or when do you talk about it?
Speaker 2:I wouldn't put my political affiliation on my profile. There's always boxes on every site or app that will just put you in a box, whether it's libertarian, republican, democrat, conservative, whatever. I'll give you the categories. Check that off. Don't go into a big like long thing about this way on social issues, on this way on fiscal issues. You know, talk about it on the first date. I really think so, and unless it's coming up as a topic I mean right now we have so much going on in the political world with everything going on with tariffs and all that kind of stuff it might be something that pops into the conversation, but I'd rather see you. Two people that have different ideologies about politics can also be the best matches ever too, as long as they're both open to listening to the other person's views. So I don't think you have to put yourself in a box okay, political debates on a first date, no religion.
Speaker 1:When do you talk about that first date in your profile?
Speaker 2:You know, you mentioned it in your profile we're not 25 and Jewish and I've got to marry somebody Jewish because my parents will kill me. If I don't right, we're 45 or 50 and we're probably not going to have kids then most likely. So you know what Most people really don't care.
Speaker 1:All right, here is. I know this is going to this is going to sound out there, but it's not. It's very common In chatting prior to the first date dick pics. No, let's wait to see it in real life. That's awesome. But on the opposite side of that, I know ladies get a little spicy as we get older and we're like some of us, lots of us. I've actually talked to a lot of guys who have experienced that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, after the first date, I'm OK with that.
Speaker 1:OK, ok, men, asking for photos that show a little bit more before the first date.
Speaker 2:This is common.
Speaker 1:No, look at my photos online. Love it. All right. This is kind of the final question I'm going to ask you before we give takeaways. One of the biggest complaints across the internet and I think there's some truth to it that I've heard especially women dating men in their 40s, 50s and beyond is that there are lots of men who come out of their marriages in their 40s 50s and they get out there and they think they want to date, or the dream is to date a woman in her 20s or early 30s. I'd like to hear, from your point of view, the reality about that.
Speaker 2:Here's the reality. I'm research-driven. Stanford's been running a study for 25 years and men in their fifties and sixties 80% of them pulled again ongoing survey want to date women within five years of their age. So 20% of them want to date younger. Let them, who cares? We've got the other 80%, so that's the reality. So to try to say it's like 80% of men want to date younger is just not true.
Speaker 1:And I also think for women, like if you know, that's what a guy wants to do and look, there is nothing wrong with our younger counterparts. I love women in their 20s and 30s and I'm here to support them. I'm not here to compete with them. I find it gross that a 50-year-old man thinks he's compatible with a 20-year-old woman.
Speaker 1:That's an ick for me, because I also have a daughter who's in her 20s and the idea of a man that age hitting it just makes my skin crawl. And that age hitting it just makes my skin crawl. As a woman, since I hit my 40s and as I've, like, aged through that, I have had a huge influx of interest from younger men, late 20s through their 30s, and for me there's definitely like I don't, I would never date a man in his 20s at this point in my life and like I'm kind of like upper in his 20s at this point in my life and like I'm kind of like upper 30s and beyond at this point. But have you seen that trend or heard of that trend yourself? And what do you think about women in their 40s and 50s dating? I'm going to say I'm not going to go into the 20s. To me, Aziki, 30s and above.
Speaker 2:I think it's fine because I've seen a lot of that in the last like five to seven years that a woman who's 60 dating men 45 and up. They've taken good care of themselves, they look good, and it's not because the man's after their money or anything like that it could work. So I would tell a typical if I was working with like a 52 year old woman, and she looks really great for her age, et cetera, et cetera, I would say, dating 42 to 58, reasonable, absolutely reasonable. I mean, the only caveat there would be like my lower range is a little lower I'm not 52 yet, but yeah, the only caveat there would be like my lower range is a little lower, I'm not 52 yet, but yeah, the only caveat would be if he wants kids and you can't do that anymore, then that's going to be an issue.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in order to do it, but I want to be able to. Yeah, I'm done. I'm done with that. All right, well, I think we've covered a lot of ground here, you know? All right, well, I think we've covered a lot of ground here. You know your basics with your profile. I gave you some real good do's and don'ts with this quick question and response. I'd like you to sum this up, andrea Can you give my listeners like right now, they're wanting to date, they're struggling. Tell them what they can do today to start shifting their success, both online and in person, starting tonight or tomorrow?
Speaker 2:Okay, I would say to start with some attitude adjustment and positivity and then also think about. We all deal with rejection on some level in every aspect of our life. So what I want you to do is make a three-month commitment to dating. I don't care if it's meeting at the grocery store, doing meetups, doing apps, doing sites, hiring a high-end matchmaker, I don't care what it is, but you're going to give it three months and you're going to be dogged and persistent through the whole process and you're not going to give up. There's going to be highs and lows, but you're going to give it three months. My bet is that probably somewhere between 80 to 85 percent of you will meet somebody I love that and you have a book that can inspire them hi, it's my baby second, it's second acts winning strategies for dating over 50.
Speaker 2:What I like about it it's no fluff, it's very strategic, it's very business-like. There's a lot of worksheets in there and there's also QR codes to help me where I help you through these worksheets. But the other thing I like is it concludes with you writing a business plan for your personal life, and people are like huh, that doesn't sound romantic. Well, no, it's not. But you know what it's legitimate? It's like let's have a plan of action and a strategy of where we're going here and how we're going to do it, and I think we all feel better when we have a plan in place. So it's 166 tips. Like I said, they're not fluff. There are things you could do today and start immediately with. And it's kind of been inside me for like, I think, 25 years, and the book just came out January of 2025.
Speaker 1:How exciting Guys. Go get the book, Write the business plan. It sounds like this is a great path for defining partnership, whatever kind of partnership you envision for yourself in the future. You've got one life. Let's not waste it on bad dates, right?
Speaker 2:Or being alone. No, there's no reason or being alone.
Speaker 1:No, there's no reason Right, 100%, so can you tell my listeners, everywhere they can find you Because you are also a matchmaker, so you can get the book, but also she can help you find love.
Speaker 2:I can help you find love and I'm really great at finding love online where you might be like, oh, I don't want to do this and I'll be like, that's okay, I'm your cheerleader, I'm going to help you, I'm very direct, I'm graciously direct and I'll have a strategy for you. So you can find me at 33,000datescom and that's 33000datescom, and you can buy my book anywhere. It's Second Amps Winning Strategies forating number 50, amazon has it, barnes, noble, everyone has it, but you can also find it on my website. Oh, and the other thing I would do I would take. I've got a fun dating quiz on my website. Take it, because it'll show you how you stack up and compare to other people your age that are dating and it might give you some clues and things you know you're doing really well and maybe some things you know that you need to work on a little bit too.
Speaker 1:All right, guys, you don't have to be alone in this journey. You've got a woman here who has had so much success at helping people find love. So if this is something that is important to you moving forward from this point on in your life, go and find a cheerleader who's going to help you get what you want, and you know where to find Andrea. As for sex and intimacy, you guys know I'm out here and I am coaching and my books are open. If you want a cheerleader when it comes to having more orgasms, I'm your girl. I'm here for you. My books are open. You can find out more about that at TalkSexWithAnettecom. But until next time, I wish you all well on this journey and I'm here for you every week to help you move forward. Thank you so much, andrea, for joining me and giving these fantastic strategies to my listenership. I appreciate you. It's my pleasure. So, wishful eye, and to my listeners, I will see you in the locker room. Cheers.