Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast By Talk Sex with Annette
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Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast By Talk Sex with Annette
Why Your Brain is Sabotaging Your Love Life—And How to Rewire It
Finding love in 2025 feels harder than ever—but is it really just bad luck, or is your brain working against you? Dr. Kyra Bobinet, a physician, public health leader, and behavior change expert, reveals how the habenula—the brain’s failure detector—keeps people trapped in cycles of rejection, self-doubt, and endless swiping. In this episode, we uncover why men’s connection hormone, oxytocin, is being overused, why women are becoming more selective, and how dating apps are designed to keep you searching, not succeeding. More importantly, Dr. Bobinet shares science-backed strategies to rewire your brain for real connection and lasting love. If you're tired of modern dating struggles, this is the episode that might just change everything.
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Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's topic is why your brain is sabotaging your love life and how to rewire it so you can find love. It is almost Valentine's Day, but let's be honest this topic is hot year round.
Speaker 1:Millions of people find themselves swiping, searching and struggling to find real connection. But what if the problem isn't just dating apps, changing social norms or bad luck? What if it's your brain, your own brain, that's the real obstacle? Have you ever thought of that? I have. Well, I also have an expert here today who's going to talk to us about that. But before we dive in, I want to remind you that I am now over on OnlyFans, where I am sharing my intimacy how-tos, demonstrations and guided erotic meditations that are all designed to help you on your pleasure journey, your own intimacy journey with yourself and with your partner. You can also find some of this content over on my sub stack, and you can find me at both places at at TalkSexWithAnette that's my handle. I'm also going to be posting the links below in the description of this podcast so that you can find them easily.
Speaker 1:But for now, let's dive in to this topic and my guest, who is Dr Kyra Bobinet. She's a physician, a public health leader and behavior change expert specializing in how the brain's failure detector the habinula change expert. Specializing in how the brain's failure detector, the habinula shapes motivation and human connection. As the author of Unstoppable Brain the new neuroscience that frees us from failure, eases our stress and creates lasting change, she explores why so many people struggle to find love in 2025. Through her work, she helps individuals and high influence leaders rewire their minds for lasting change, resilience and meaningful relationships. And today she's joining me to explain why modern love is harder than ever and how you can retrain your brain for real connection. I'm excited about this, selfishly, for myself, but also for all of you. Kyra, will you take a moment to tell my listeners just a little bit more about yourself?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was originally a scientist, biologist. I went into medicine and then I really had an epiphany with this one patient of mine where I was writing this prescription and I said, so what's wrong, how did you get this? And he's like, well, I did meth three days ago and you have 10 minutes with somebody. So he got meth, he dehydrated himself and then he had this gouty toe and I was like I'm on the wrong end of this animal and that was the first clue that what I was really interested in was what's up here. You know what's going on in the brain.
Speaker 2:So I pivoted my career towards, you know, behavior change, public health areas where there's like large populations who are doing a thing and they would rather do this other thing. You know, like good habits versus bad habits, and that really has been. You know, the pinnacle of my career at this point is all about knowing what the brain does and, in my discoveries, finding this really little known area called the habenula that has been exploding in the literature and the research in the last 10 years or so. So we're really working. We're really living in a time where so much insight is going to change how we think about behavior, how we think about human behavior, sexual behavior, all those things. This is the master control switch, so I'm really, really passionate about getting the word out.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm excited to work with you today to do that. And, listeners, I want you to stay to the end, because if you are someone and I know many of you are these someones who's struggling to find the kind of connection and love that you desire in your life, by the end of this podcast, you're going to have a new way to look at that struggle and, of course, we're going to give you some tools to change your approach. You're going to have a whole new approach to this animal and I think we're all looking for that. Right now. I think most everybody is like what we're doing isn't working, but we don't have any real method to do something different. So it's like banging our heads on the wall and what people are doing is choosing to be alone.
Speaker 1:I know that that's where I'm at. I'm like, I'm good with myself, folks. So I'm excited to hear about this and we'll see how I feel about it afterwards. Maybe Valentine's Day for me will be a little more special this year. So stay to the end. Let's get ready to talk about finding love and connection. Cheers, cheers.
Speaker 2:So a starting point.
Speaker 1:So a starting point let's start with. You know I was going to jump in with trying to understand the habanula. Why can't I say it right now?
Speaker 2:It's because I'm okay. I think it's really good. Everybody needs to learn this word.
Speaker 1:So haban like the man's name habanula Habanula.
Speaker 2:Habenula.
Speaker 1:It's the brain's failure detector, correct? And that's one important piece, and I'd like for you to explain that to my listeners a little bit, but I know you have also said oxytocin is another big hormone that's playing a role in what's going on.
Speaker 2:So why don't we launch in with these two power players in what controls? So the habenula is about half a centimeter big. There's two of them in the center of your brain, like from side and front, and basically it has two functions. One is that it detects failure or all of its relatives disappointment, demoralization, frustration.
Speaker 2:Even if you doom scroll and you feel frustrated they didn't find the right thing, or your shop online shopping, you didn't find the perfect thing, this part of your brain will activate. And if it activates, watch out, because the next thing it does is it kills your motivation to keep trying that thing. It's a protective mechanism that we have to make sure that we don't do foolish things over and over again, expecting different results, but when it comes to getting what we want and designing the life we want, it is our biggest obstacle because it controls all of our behavior and then the other superpower that it has is if it's on and it kills our motivation, then it also is the source, not a participant, a source for initiating depression, anxiety, impulsivity, addictions. It is at the heart of every human behavior that we want to change.
Speaker 1:Wow, that makes sense. That makes sense, and so this is going to really play a role in relationships and dating right.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, you swipe and someone doesn't swipe on you.
Speaker 1:bam, it's set off A Benula hit.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I really want everybody to remember that it's a Benula hit. When you and I really want everybody to remember that Like it's a habanula hit, Like when you try something and it doesn't work out for you the way you wanted, you are going to hit this area of your brain and if it's on, then you're not going to feel like doing it anymore or you're going to feel depressed about it. You're going to feel anxious about it. You know so. It is a really sort of risky game to trigger this part, not know about it and then just blame yourself or feel depressed about what's happening. So my job is to free people from that loop. That is, it doesn't have to happen that way. If we know how our brains work, we can drive the car more effectively.
Speaker 1:I always say knowing is half the battle, knowing is truly. Once you know something is going on, you can detect that it's happening and you can make a choice. So this, the habanula, can actually make people give up on love, give up on looking for that partner and, I would assume, relatively quickly for people who are super sensitive to rejection?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I would go stronger on that. I would say if you have quit on love, this is why. This is why Because it didn't work out for you You're afraid of failing. It is the place in our brain where we become averse to things. So if you become averse to love or sex or anything like that, this area is very active and it's really important to know how to turn it off. And then the other component is just the ecosystem of oxytocin, because that's the hormone that drives us to bond with each other, to pursue each other, to love each other, to feel connected to each other.
Speaker 1:So I noticed you even threw in and I didn't think to do it, but that it could cause you to give up on sex, like not a lot of dudes do, but a lot of women. Even when I say to them I know your experience has been not having real pleasure, feeling sex as more work, not having internal orgasms like the clitoral orgasm, just isn't enough motivation. But I guarantee you there is so much more pleasure to be had out there and I can help you with that. And they're just like you know, I'm not really no, they really just are like done and it makes sense to me, especially enough to override that sort of failure response. So with the orgasm comes the oxytocin dump.
Speaker 2:Is it fair?
Speaker 1:How much can oxytocin rival that rejection response.
Speaker 2:Well, you got to get to the door first, right? So the Havanula is preventing you from even pursuing that. And also the oxytocin if you are saturated, if you're getting oxytocin elsewhere through close relationships with your girlfriends or a dog or what those are releases of oxytocin. So a lot of women can be sort of unintentionally filling their cup oxytocin wise. This is what you know, I think is behind what you said about like no, I'm good, you know that there's two components there's. It hasn't worked out for me, that's the vanilla. And then I'm not really going to override and drive myself towards this because I'm getting my oxytocin from alternative sources besides my partner, you know, and and therefore I'm not really that interested.
Speaker 2:I'm not driven biologically to pursue that, to, to, to get that orgasm or whatever, because women get it so many different ways, whereas men primarily get it through uh, you know, bonding around a team or a tribalism kind of idea, work, sports teams, you know even political groups or whatever, and they also have their peak oxytocin release when they ejaculate, and so they're really, really biologically driven.
Speaker 2:But then they're also distracted these days because they're getting their ejaculations elsewhere. They're going to porn, they're going to other sources to get their oxytocin too. So, biologically, the two sexes are driven towards each other using oxytocin, seeking oxytocin because it's a pleasurable hormone. It's the hormone that of course mothers when they first have a baby and you breastfeed it's very painful, but that bonding with the mother and the baby happens through oxytocin and you fall in love with this little you know potato that you just had, and um and same thing with when you have sex. This is why casual sex is hard for women, oftentimes biologically, because they want to bond, that they really want to bond with their partner. After having that experience with them or not, you know, if their partner does not satisfy them, if they are judging their partner, if they are, you know, impatient with the process of teaching their partner about their body, they can really give up and not want their oxytocin that way and then divert that back to the cats, the dogs, the friends, all of those sources.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, wow, that's really interesting. So that would totally explain why there's this kind of growing divide. When it becomes so hard, that would totally explain why there's this kind of growing divide. When it becomes so hard, you're experiencing rejection and getting that response that's like triggering all of those negative feelings. And then you're getting your pleasure from other things bonding with friends. I think women are now more than ever starting to come together and fulfill each other's needs through you know, we are also programmed to like we hug our girlfriends.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 1:I still have sleepovers with my besties and if I'm feeling sad, we'll spoon each other. Like you know, I have that closeness with them and men aren't like that. They aren't programmed like that to touch each other Like they don't want to touch each other, like they don't want to touch each other. They don't even want to touch each other, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So they aren't even getting that oxytocin hit that you know, bonding love hit from their friendships.
Speaker 2:But they do like, if you think about, like shooter games, and they're kind of doing it with multiplayers, like those kinds of things or sports.
Speaker 2:You know that that that's their form of relating to and feeling belonging with other, with their peers, and they don't oftentimes have social permission to spoon each other without, you know, some sort of sexual implication there that they may not want in certain cases.
Speaker 2:So they're really in a hard, a hard place and I would also say that the male habanula has been, has had a habanula hit, in that as women have become more powerful, they become more difficult to approach, you know, they're not as desperate, they're not as dependent, you know, and and men, you know, have a lot of reluctance because they're playing a game with somebody who has a lot more sophistication, a lot more, again, social permission to develop and articulate their emotions, and they can run circles around a lot of, you know, men, their age, and so it's really daunting.
Speaker 2:You know, women are scary, you know have become scary, and I I've seen this in my own children, you know, where they're young, empowered women, but they're leaving the men behind, that they're not bringing them along with them, you know, and they just they feel like, well, I just need you know, he just needs to show up or he just needs to whatever. And yes, you can ask your partner to show up in a better way. But I think women have become really judgmental and impatient with men in my lifetime that I can see as we've emerged out of desperate dependence state and more into an empowered state. We have to think about, like, how to lift them up too.
Speaker 1:Right, and especially with our own sons. Right, like oftentimes in my own dating life, when I've met men and or seen behavior from adult men, I'm like where was your mother in this, you know, in this, telling you how to treat women, how to treat yourself, how to interact with people? It is our job to have those conversations with our sons. I have a son who's 15 and I'm all up in his business telling him, you know, even when he doesn't want to have the conversations necessarily, I'm like I know you don't want to have it, but we got to talk.
Speaker 1:You know we got to talk, we got to talk about you know how you're processing emotions, how you process emotions with other people, like it's an important thing to do, and I agree to some extent. I think women get exhausted trying to bring men along. Think women get exhausted trying to bring men along Like I. I know in the relationships I've been in, up until the last one, it was like and, and my last partner even said you're just so far ahead of where I am and he was 10 years older than me, yeah, yeah, and. And then you know it was almost.
Speaker 1:It became an excuse and I'm like okay, well, maybe I am, but like, do the work man, isn't that impossible?
Speaker 2:I think that's where the gray area really gets women, which is that you know where are you just being codependent with somebody versus and not asking for what you need and not setting your boundaries and not asking them to step up. You know, because all of that is part of a healthy relationship versus you know being really, really judgmental, and you know forceful and impatient and being unfair. You know to where they're at and it's really fascinating. I think it's a case by case basis. I think if you had a different partner who had different qualities, you might be able to live with some of the areas where it's a little remedial, or you got to have some negotiations and some agreements that work for the two of you. But you know, in this case that was a deal killer. You know that was the one where it just it was. You all were too far apart, perhaps.
Speaker 1:Right, and I also think in relationship, each person, we're all going to have our things. We have to work on that.
Speaker 1:Maybe the other one is a little more advanced in and I think it's really deciding okay, we're both going to be working on things right and not blaming our shortcomings on why we're not willing to put effort in right. So now we have actually. Before we move on, let's talk about oxytocin a little bit. I feel like, and in a lot of literature I see, it's equated to women and some people think only women have oxytocin. I was listening to a woman the other day say well, the reason why women should be in the home is because they have the oxytocin and it makes them bond with people and take care of the children, and men don't have that. They have this, and I'm like that's not the case and I think it's super important to get this information out there. Oxytocin isn't just a woman's hormone, right?
Speaker 2:That's right. It's actually more powerful than dopamine. So dopamine gets all the glitz and the glam like, oh, you wanna do this because of dopamine, you wanna do that because of dopamine. But actually there's more oxytocin receptors in our body than dopamine receptors and they're more dominant over the dopamine receptors. And so when you look at that, it's very profound, and that's true for both sexes.
Speaker 2:It's just that it was first discovered in women who had just given birth, who were bonding with their babies, and so we're about 20 years difference in where the oxytocin and the dopamine research are. You know dopamine is about 20 years ahead in the research, but it's just coming to light how significant oxytocin is. In fact, if you see nationalism around the globe, if you see you know tribalism, if you see you know teamism, if you see otherism, all of that is driven by oxytocin. So it's right underneath our nose, but we're not really recognizing how powerful it is in driving human behavior, both individually, interpersonally and also, you know, in population level dynamics. And I think once we kind of get serious about that, you know that we'll be able to really unpack how to overcome our tendencies and our sort of worse obstacles that we're tripping over oxytocin on.
Speaker 1:So, to reiterate, oxytocin is equally present in every gender.
Speaker 2:It is. The receptors are in both genders exactly. But what we don't know is, because of the remedialization of the oxytocin research, we don't know exactly the distribution and the sex differences yet around all of this. We just know that men and women both have it and that they're both driven to get it.
Speaker 1:Okay, because it's rewarding, it's a rewarding hormone and the way that men primarily are trying to get it besides through the ejaculation. And you know, I would hope to some extent that bond with a woman is more put towards this, like team work, like they that that little hit culture.
Speaker 1:Yeah, bro, culture and so it's basically being fulfilled through, I mean, some obvious positive things work, ethic or some hobbies but I would also venture to say, through some really unhealthy mechanisms that are out there. You know, like we were just talking about women bringing men along and helping them become more evolved, but what I see happen oftentimes obviously I have this podcast, I have a large, large, thankfully, male listenership and by and large, they're wonderful. I get wonderful messages from them. But what I see out there are some of these really toxic male podcasters sharing inaccurate and harmful information about dating love and women love and women and flocks of young men listening to them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm like, yeah, if you want to bond with and be with women, you have to listen to us. You have to hear what we have to say, you know, instead of like why are you going to go to a guy to find out what you should do to meet us, when we are here being willing to tell you you?
Speaker 2:know, and.
Speaker 1:I feel like then there becomes this culture around, whatever that you know, I think, bro, culture, um, there is the the alpha male, the alpha male culture that's out there with a lot of podcasters, which really isn't quote alpha male behavior. Behavior, it doesn't attract women, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I'm Can we talk about the alpha male real quick? I would love that. Okay, because alpha male is very related to the habanula issue, which is that, in nature, if you have two competing males in a herd, let's say, like bighorn sheep, for mating rights, this happens in many, many species and they hit their heads together and at one point the alpha male will notice that he is beating the beta male, the one who will eventually lose, the one who eventually loses their habenula turns on. I'm failing at this. They then lose motivation to keep fighting and they go away.
Speaker 2:So what's happening with this draw of men who might feel like they don't have it all together, they haven't been taught well, or they there's?
Speaker 2:You know, women are scary, all these things that that are their habenulas on is that they're trying to overcome that by like well, I'm just going to be the one who wins, I'm going to be like him, you know, because then I'll have all the answers. And what they're really trying to do subconsciously, because they don't know about their habenula, is they're trying to turn off their habenula so they feel better. Having your habenula triggered is a very painful, itchy and desperate emotional state because it triggers depression, because it triggers loss of confidence, helplessness, powerlessness. Men do not do well in our society to feel in that state for very long, and so they want to get out of that as soon as possible. So they're drawn to these types of messages of like basically, here's how you turn your venue off, but they're doing it in a dysfunctional, unhealthy and a way that drives them further away from what they're wanting, which might be companionship, safety, love, somebody to care about them, nurturing those kinds of things that they, as a human, absolutely need.
Speaker 1:Well, so this is fascinating and makes complete sense. So can we talk about the alpha male in that case? The actual alpha male, not the people on the podcast guys, not those folks, these quote beta males, um, that are looking for guidance from a mentor, a male mentor. What are traits they can look for then, for that true alpha versus? I mean because I see these podcasters who are making themselves out to be alphas and, as a woman, I I can sense I'm like that. You know what I mean. Women, we can sense those men and know I'm like. You're not an alpha buddy, you know, I can sense it, my body reacts to it. But I'm sure that men don't have that same ability to sense that. They're just listening to words and seeing the visuals, and you know the steroided up arms to words and seeing the visuals, and you know the steroided up arms. So what would be some obvious traits?
Speaker 2:then, of a true alpha male. Yeah, I think that you know in nature I'll just go to nature. You know they do things that are sustainable for the herd or the tribe or whatever. They don't suck energy, they give energy Like a true, like, let's say, that bighorn sheep. Once he establishes mating rights, he doesn't keep fighting everybody, but that's what alpha male, human distorted field does, you know, like fighting, dominating, bullying, you know.
Speaker 2:Women or other men you know, and that's a dysfunctional women or other men, you know, and that's a dysfunctional, unsustainable behavior. Right, Because you're burning the house down. That's more an indication that somebody is not well, somebody is not healthy inside. They are projecting some sort of childhood, unresolved childhood trauma or grief onto the world and so they're saying look at me, look at me, you know, super loud and super flashy, but it, because it's always on and it's inappropriately expressed, overly expressed, you can tell that that's just. You know somebody who needs to some health, that they need to be healthier in themselves, and I have lots of experience with that culture because I used to deal with prisoners. When I came out of medical school, I started a nonprofit for prisoners who are coming back into society after being incarcerated for some time and these sort of hyper alpha male kind of dynamics keep them safe in those very violent you know surrounded by violent people environments.
Speaker 2:But I'll tell you to a person, the most hardened criminal to a person is wanting connection. They want a chance to let down their guard. They don't want to be constantly attacking because they're just doing it. It's fear, aggression. They're doing it out of fear of being attacked and so that that's an environment that many young people grow up in and that are stuck in, not to their own fault at all, you know, they're just, that's their circumstances. But the heart of the human is always the same. It's always like I just want to be loved, I want to be safe, I want to be loved, I want to be safe, I want to be connected, I want to belong Right and so, if we can and I believe there are clever and amazingly intelligent men who are recognizing this problem and saying those aren't masculine qualities, these are providing for people, protecting people. That's'd like to throw in.
Speaker 2:In Ojibwe culture, which I come from I'm part Native American there is, you know, an edict of respect, humility, love, those kinds of things that you know kind of abide, and that's sustainable, you know, and there are in other Native cultures. There are, you know, sacred gifts of men protector provider. You know, and there are in other native cultures there are, you know, sacred gifts of men protector provider. You know, like those kinds of things, that when they're in that lane they're in their natural self and they can be empowered. But we need the, the adult men, to come back, come back in vogue and lead. And because that's another sort of extra quality that men have is leadership. It's not that women can't be leading, but the masculine energy of leadership is theirs to be dignified in and to be respectful about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we aren't seeing a lot of that now. I'm really touched by the fact because you you just said the heart of a human, like it's a natural place, and I just want to say that I'm really touched by the fact that you can feel that right now. I'm struggling in this time in history right now to feel that and it's really easy for me to slip into humanity is just not a good thing. So I love that you said that and and it was a good reminder for me and it's something.
Speaker 2:I need to try to remember every day, right, yeah, I think, I think anytime, you know, because we where they say like, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to, you know, go win. Or wherever go far, you go together. I think that we are biologically tied to each other through oxytocin and we have a societal circumstance right now where there is what I like to call oxytocin deficiency syndrome, and you can see this through. You know GLP-1s, you know what those are, so GLP-1 drugs are like the semi-glutide you know, yeah, and you inject them.
Speaker 2:But GLP-1 is a daughter molecule created by the mother molecule, oxytocin. So if you put two and two together, all of this obesity, all of this diabetes, all of this stuff is a function of not having enough oxytocin in our social construct, in our relational construct. That we've broken that and so I I share your concerns, I share your. You know, sometimes it's dismay to see this and I get oxy. I get have Benula hits from seeing broken things too and, like you know, people not getting what they want and suffering and and you know, kind of people who are not healthy being in charge of people who are. That that really gets to me sometimes.
Speaker 2:But but the modern skill is to learn how to pursue oxytocin in the way that you intend and build that with others, whether it's an intimate relationship or, you know, a tribal relationship, whatever the case may be, a belonging relationship, a community and then also learn how to turn your habenula off. That's what we got to do in this world to get through to the other side, because things always rebalance. You know nothing that is damaging. That is a fire burning everything down will last for long. It will burn itself out at some point, even though there's a lot of scorched earth, we can grieve at that point that's so touching.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I'm actually at tears, but just hear you say that we really need, I need. I know this is true. I know what you're saying is true. I had a really rough year last year and I knew, because I am the age I am. I'm like I have been through really hard times in my life and I know if I just keep going, it's going to change. And then this year has popped up and really at the end of last year I finally was coming up for air and you know that we get hit with 2025.
Speaker 1:And there is terror in a lot of people right, and we need to hear that right now.
Speaker 1:We need to hear that from strong and sure voices that this will rebalance and I want to get to this turning the hip and yellow off, because I actually have been reflecting on back. A couple of years ago, I really wanted to learn to surf and in my last partnership like this was a passion, I was like I know that I'm meant to do this and I cannot tell you how many times I tried. And not only did I try with not being successful at it, I was put in situations and ended up in situations where I got hurt badly like badly.
Speaker 1:And but last year I was like I need to do this. But I had that failure and you know, and it turned into severe anxiety, like even thinking about surfing or trying. It was scary to me. It really became terrifying to me to try to keep at it, which I really wanted to do. And then there was sort of the recurring like failure. Now I'm too afraid, now I'm never going to do this thing. It wasn't meant for me and I knew it was at one point and I recently, I just got back from a trip to Mexico and I decided I'm going, I'm going where. I know it's for beginners, I'm going to be there two weeks and I'm going to get up on that fucking board. And I went and for the first time ever, and here I am, like from when I started, like 10 years older, from when I started, I got up and I got up again and again and it was one of the biggest highs I've ever experienced.
Speaker 1:And I'm telling you the story because, with you talking about the habinula, I'm like, oh, that was what was happening about the habinula. I'm like, oh, that was what was happening, and for me this was really big, but for some reason I decided to. That's beyond me, because I've been reflecting on it. I'm like, why did I chase this so hard? How did I overcome near panic attack, fear? So now we can apply that to dating and trying to find love, because rejection and even in my own life I'm like I don't know, I want to find love ever again, like fuck that that's really painful and hard, but I overcame something that gave me the same fear so clearly I figured out how to turn the habanera off.
Speaker 1:Right, it did you did, what did I? Do, and let's like listeners, tune in here. Yeah, listeners, this is the moment.
Speaker 2:This is the pattern.
Speaker 1:If you have decided you don't want to date, you don't want to find love, or you don't want to have orgasms or bother with them anymore, which I would argue is bad for your health.
Speaker 2:This is how we're going to learn how to turn off that feeling urge, yeah, yeah, yeah, and really identify it. So you know, what you experienced when you got injured is a habanula hit and the habanula is like is this going to work out for me or not? Right, yes, and well, last time I got really really injured. It's not going to work out for me, or not, right, yes, and well, last time I got really really injured. It's not going to work out for me. And if you were just like a regular forest animal, that would be the end of it. You would just not try to surf. But because you're human and you have what's called a magnet cognitive state, you have a forebrain that is like no, I think I still want to try to get up on a board. I think I feel driven like whatever purpose or meaning that had to you. We don't, we will never know, but it was something that continued to drive you a little itch to keep trying it, despite the evidence of all demise that you had already experienced. Right? So what you did to get out of that, which is what everybody does to get out of a stuck spot, I've never seen anything besides this for success, which is you iterated on how you were surfing, you went to Mexico. Instead of wherever you were, you picked a beginner wave. You maybe, I don't know I got instructor when I started surfing, when I was 34. I no longer do because they injured my back to a point where I just took no interest in trying to push that. Yeah, um, but I also had really terrifying experiences. The ocean is very powerful and you know, and you're if you're a beginner in there, you're a little guppy in there. Oh my gosh, it's overwhelming. No matter if it's a beginner wave or whatever, it's very intense because you're a beginner in there. You're a little guppy in there, oh my gosh, it's overwhelming. No matter if it's a beginner wave or whatever, it's very intense because you're up against something much bigger than you that could kill you right In any given moment. So you iterated your way through and maybe, if you took a moment, you could even unpack that further. But that's how people get over these things. That is a%, because iterators never fail. You will have the way to go around the failure button and you can be like I'm going to try this. I'm going to try that. I'm still applying my wisdom from what didn't work before, but I'm not going through the channel of judging, prejudging. This isn't gonna work out for me. No, hell no.
Speaker 2:And like you said, you had anxiety. You know habanula being on means anxiety and depression is with you. That's one of the symptoms, and depression is a symptom. It is not onto itself a disease. However, that symptom can get into a loop in your brain with all kinds of weird you know addictions If you, if you feel depressed or you feel anxious.
Speaker 2:Usually what people do, instead of iterating, is that they'll become addicted to something to distract themselves from that thing. You know anything but that kind of feeling and they will get themselves into a hole. Because whenever you have addictive substance and you start going to withdraw, the habenula is like, oh yeah, like I'm going to make your life hell and I'm going to make you hurt. And then, whenever you're withdrawing from your addictive substance, whatever that was, the habenula flips on and it makes you very high suffering. You're in a high suffering state. It makes you very uncomfortable, so that you itch, so that you crave, so that you reuse.
Speaker 2:So it is at the heart of that addictive cycle because it's a punisher for when you don't have the addictive substance and you'll hear people who have addiction problems like very serious ones. They'll always say I don't get high to, or I don't pursue my drug to get high, I pursue it to feel normal and what that says is that you're trying to turn off your habanula with that substance. But I can tell you that iteration and we've done a lot of research on this in my company and in the last couple of years iteration, iter we've done a lot of research on this in my company and in the last couple of years iteration, iterative mindset, specifically that you expect to iterate, is more powerful than any other psychological factor I have ever seen.
Speaker 1:What will you define for my audience? What iteration is, what an iterative mindset is?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so iterative mindset came out of. So I discovered it, I articulated it and I also measured it and validated it with an academic partner who has distinguished it as its own mindset. It's not like any other mindset and I found it naturally in my research on people who had changed their health long term by themselves. Diyers who are like I want to be healthier.
Speaker 2:They got off their medications and of thing, and a very small portion of them used iteration, which means that they would tinker with it, they would tweak with it, they would tinker with their expectations, their environment, their social environment. You know, they would reduce things, they would add flavoring, they just did all these kinds of like clever little things to puzzle over the problem and by just experimenting and puzzling on it instead of the traditional SMART goals and tracking mechanism, which is performative, got stuck with their herbedula on because they didn't do it perfectly or they didn't, it didn't happen as they planned, like all that kind of stuff. So it was a protection for failure, it was a protection for their motivation. So they just were unstoppable.
Speaker 1:The iterative mindset because it's interesting. It makes me from being able to drive on highways, surf, do all of the fun things people were doing, and then I wanted to do those things so bad, I had to start figuring out how to fix it Right. And I mean, I've done this with my health too, and it's like I figure out where things are working and where they're not, and then I'll take away the thing that isn't working and then add something on and see how it does. Is that what you're talking about instead?
Speaker 2:of failing, you know, at some rigid thing that they wanted to have happen. They iterated, they were clever, they were creative, they were innovative, they were, you know, the experimental. You know they tweaked it, they tinkered with it. You know they adjusted, they adapted. You know. All of those words are what I'm talking about. It's like, instead of turning on your habenula, you never trigger it. You know, and even if you do trigger it and you're in a state of habanula hit, these iterative people would also have a way to reframe the failure so that it would neutralize the habanula, back down to normal and be like shh, it's okay, it's okay, we're not failing here. We're going to go to Mexico, we're going to go on a beginner wave, like, because you refreshed all the environmental and the circumstances and all those were iterations, your habenula was like well, I guess I got to. I can't judge this, you know and you got some distance between you and your habenula and you turned it off because you're like see, we did it.
Speaker 1:So self-soothing, some self-soothing there too. I know I do. I do a lot of self-soothing.
Speaker 2:You can self-soothe. Yeah, I mean, I think, having compassion for yourself. Anything that talks your habenula out of you're bad, you're alone, this will never work out. Those kinds of things I call it failure disease in my book, like there's a million different flavors. Like I should have done this. I used to be able to do this. All these ways in which you know failure kind of like fires itself up in our brains, and so, whether it's self soothing, affirmations, meditation, journaling, what you know, talking to a therapist, getting a reframe, you know, in some other way you know doing it yourself, the main objective is just to neutralize any notion of failure, frustration or disappointment so that you can resume and tap into your naturally existing motivation, because nobody's like unmotivated. They're hermenealism, it's a state. It's not something about you. That is fixed, you know, it's just a current moment.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, let's take all of this really apply it to modern dating and what can people do right now to start to change their approach to dating and looking for people. So let's sum up the things that are up are really at play in our own brains right now in dating. Can you sum those things up?
Speaker 2:brains right now and dating. Can you sum those things up? Yes, so I think that one thing is trying, you know, shots on goal. How many dates have you gone on? How many efforts do you put yourself out there that are scary? They're outside your comfort zone. How much are you willing to be rejected? And really just the outward energy that it takes to pursue a partner or partnership is lacking in so many people because they're already. Their habenula is on.
Speaker 2:So job one is to overcome the habenula Like it's. Like you said, with the surfing, it's going to work out for me. You know, having hope, having belief, is it's not corny. It really turns off your habenula. You know, being being seeking, seeking for something, turns off your habenula. You know, reframing the past Like it wasn't that, it just wasn't the right person for me. You know, it's not that I'm bad. There's somebody out there for me, you know.
Speaker 2:So all of that brings your motivation to the fore and gives you some fuel to hit the gas on your search. You know, because if you're just sitting there, be like, no, I'm not, I'm not finding love, but you're just sitting in your living room all the time not doing anything about it. You know, obviously that's a disconnect between what you know you want and what you actually do, which is Habanula on state know you want and what you actually do, which is Habenula On State. So, turning off your Habenula, you know, talking yourself out of the failure of the past or that you will fail, resuming your motivation and then trying a bunch of things with that and just seeing that as like, if these things, if these experiments don't work, that's just information. It doesn't mean that I'm bad or unsexy or unappealing or bad at this, you know. It just means that I haven't figured it out yet. So that's the first change.
Speaker 2:The second change is if you are, because you're stuck down with your rubella being on and it's a very painful state, are you addicted to getting your oxytocin elsewhere? Are you addicted to romance novels? Are you addicted to reality shows? Are you addicted to just hanging out with people that are not romantic partners and just investing in your animals? Whatever the case may be, you have to free up some yearning, you know. But if you're self-soothing, all of your yearning's gone. You're not going to have motivation to seek the pleasure of a partner, even though it's hard, because it's harder than just sitting there petting my cat, you know. So it's nothing wrong with being, you know, with being with the cat if that's what you want. But if you want a partner, this is what it takes. You need to kind of free up some energy and have some yearning that is unsatisfied, for you to have the drive to look for the hard thing, which is a relationship.
Speaker 1:Don't get that second cat. Don't get that second cat. You don't need two cats. Don't get that second cat.
Speaker 2:You don't need two cats. You can have plenty of cats. Just you know, free up some space for love.
Speaker 1:Right, right Okay, because you're making it sound easy. But it doesn't feel that easy for people when they're stuck in that place, and I think being stuck in that place with your habanera on is different. It's on for women for different reasons than it is for men, I would argue right.
Speaker 1:And that experience for women, it seems to me, what I see happening around me more is women are doing exactly what you said, which is getting their oxytocin hits.
Speaker 1:Women are doing exactly what you said, which is getting their oxytocin hits. Oxytocin, I would argue and tell me if you disagree, is a little bit easier for women to get their hit, like I feel like for me. I'm in this super fulfilled place in my life with you know, because of so many things, and for me, if I have a moment where I'm feeling sad or lonely, I can fix it. I can fix it real quick one way or the other, and I don't feel like that is necessarily typically as easy for men, because A you know, they're not going to go over to their guy friend's house and like snuggle up and watch a TV together, right. I can like call my girlfriend and be like come watch a movie with me and we'll be on this little couch back here, you know, snuggled up with our hot chocolate, and I'm all taken care of. We're stuck in those places, right. For women, it seems that well, we're fulfilling ourselves. We probably are the ones that need to free up some space.
Speaker 2:Definitely. If the space is occupied by things that you, you know you need to make room for it, for sure, and men do too. And it's equally hard for men, I would argue, because they get it too. But they get it through multiplayer shooter games. They get it through conspiracy theories, they get it through. You know tribalism, they get it through work, they get it through. You know belonging to something, a sports team or those kinds of things you know. And of course, the porn you know like masturbation has gone way up once it's become societally accepted and not banished. You know like it was back in the 50s, 60s, 70s, whatever, and so you know they can, was back in the 50s, 60s, 70s, whatever, and so you know they can easily check out too and be full up. They just have different ways to do it.
Speaker 1:Do you think that some of the way that we, as men and women, are also getting those oxytocin hits are by sort of becoming our own separate groups that are supporting each other against one another? You know, it's like women. We're like fuck men. Like men suck. They're terrible. They've created this patriarchy, they want to suppress us and we're going to band together and now we have this feeling of tribalism, right, we're like women are coming together in our own tribe of like. You know we'll live on the land together and we'll do our. And men, on the other hand, you're hearing more and more of. You know women like really negative messaging about women and they think they could be here without us. But we built this world and you know, so let's see them go out and hunt for themselves.
Speaker 2:And then they'll just make AI girlfriends.
Speaker 1:I know me and chat GBT are getting along real well, but do you think there's some of that, that fulfillment, coming from even the separation that's happening?
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. I mean, people are getting oxytocin by othering people. Anytime you see othering. It's unfortunate.
Speaker 2:I had a girlfriend years ago who was way ahead of the F men movement, but I never felt comfortable around that. You know, like I was like no, ever felt comfortable around that. You know, like I'm just like no. That's so short-sighted, and anytime you create a dichotomy in this life it seems to bite you in the butt, and so I. You know the. The trick is they can't go anywhere without each other, but they don't know it yet and so they're playing out. You know everybody's in different developmental stages, but there's a big group of people who think that they can go without the other sex and because the rules have changed. You know women's economic empowerment being fundamentally the biggest one, and, and so you know there's a group that wants to go to the past and put women back in the kitchen. There's another one that like, just like I hate you and like they're in a big argument. You know so in the, in the mass scale, men and women are not, have not found their new way to collaborate, where women are empowered and men are not demonized.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, yeah. We just need to get over that hump. And when you frame it like that, it's like that doesn't seem so hard to reach. It shouldn't be right? I don't think it should be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean going back to what you said. It is hard, that's why we're avoiding it, because we failed so much. But knowing about the habanila and knowing that that's the reason why we are, you know, doing that. And knowing about oxytocin and knowing that's the reason why we're not motivated to go towards each other or do the hard thing I mean that's your recipe right there, you know work on turning our hibernals off. Don't be a sucker for failure. Don't be a sucker losing your motivation to try the hard things and then oxytocin, you know. Don't be an addict to other things that take you away from the difficult and then rewarding overcoming of being in relationship to others.
Speaker 1:So the way to turn off the benula. Help me out here. I obviously in my life can see many, many different times. I've just figured it out, but I haven't, like I don't have a strategy for that. What would a strategy? What are some like maybe three things someone could start doing right now to identify that it's on. How do you? Even identify that it's on and then to start turning it off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so identification is just like asking yourself where am I frustrated? Where am I frustrated, where am I disappointed? Where do I feel like a failure, you know, either in the past, or pre-failing is another version of that. Where am I shitting on myself? You know? So, just dissecting, doing a dissection of your relationship with failure, because we avoid it so much, we don't want to touch it, it's an F word. You know, we don't want to touch it, it's an F word, we don't want to do it.
Speaker 2:And so, doing that brave work to unpack how you like to fail because how your brain fails is different than mine and everybody has to kind of figure out the fingerprint of how they like to fail, like to fail, how their brain tends to fail. And then the second thing is what can neutralize that failure? You know, for some people it's just going to Mexico and just doing the thing. You know, just, let me just change gears, let me change environments, let me just change my expectations. You know, change strategies, whatever the case may be, those are iterations. Strategies, whatever the case may be, those are iterations, you know. Or do I need to really retell a story or reframe a belief I have, because that's an active failure, fire, that's going on.
Speaker 1:that is keeping me depressed, keeping me anxious, you know, making me kind of neurotic about it making me kind of neurotic about it and making me addicted to avoid it, to distract myself or to numb myself out world. So I think, after my last relationship, which I really thought I'm like this is going to go the distance and it ended really in a very difficult, painful way.
Speaker 1:And the story was for me like that, every like I'm always going to be treated this way, Like I'm just not meant for relationships, and you know, it was really in this sort of like negative. This is how my, my life story is written out. This is it.
Speaker 1:I didn't really think it would be, and I'm always going to draw these kind of people to me, xyz. So I'm just gonna find I'm gonna create a life without that because I don't need that in my life anymore. And then, as I did my healing and so on and so forth, near the end of this year because of course I don't really like to fail I'm like, well, maybe that's not the story. Maybe the story is that the work I need to do is really become being my best and truest self and doing my work and remaining open to meeting people. I'm not on apps at all. I will never be on those apps again, but when I walk through the world and I put myself out there, I look for people who are interested in talking to me and I remain open to them.
Speaker 1:When I was in Mexico I met two really lovely gentlemen who approached me and were really wonderful and spent time. They were curious and we had great conversations and I was like there are some really cool dudes out there. You know, obviously for many reasons were not like perfect fits for me, distance being one, but I just was open to people approaching me and when people approached me I wasn't like, don't talk to me, I turned towards them curious left an opening for connection, and my approach to moving forward with dating and love is that I'm going to be open, I'm going to see people and give people a chance.
Speaker 1:And sooner or later I'll probably bump into somebody pretty cool, but I'm not chasing it. And when I meet someone and I'm like, oh, but it's not going to work, I don't shrink. I'm like what a great, like it adds to my learning. I'm like, oh, this person had this quality. I'm going to look for that in the future.
Speaker 2:Oh, this guy had that quality.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to add that to my I'm learning from each person I bump into. That doesn't fit quite right, but I like things about them and then I don't like other things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's the healthiest way to do it, because you're iterating at a person level. You're saying you know what's this experience like when our habanula's on and we feel like a failure and all these things. We can get really hard on ourselves. Inside of our head we can say, well, I'm just hopeless, I'm broken. You know, and I really like how you really fist yourself out of that temptation to be like you know, to just indict yourself and you're like, no, there's got to be hope out there for me.
Speaker 2:There was something that clicked in your brain there that turned your havenula off, that was otherwise telling you I'm a failure at this, I'm not good at this, it's never going to work out for me, that's all. Havenula speak and you somehow, just like with the surfing, you somehow figured out a way out of that wrestle move where you were not pinned down by your herbanula anymore and you, you got some escape out of it with hope, with. Let me just try this, let me just talk to, let me just go to Mexico, where it might feel safer or I feel sexier or whatever the case may be, and let me just invite that energy and let me that that was an iteration that you did to dig yourself out of that failure trap?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and and also not seeing every like you know you meet someone you're like they're cute and then they're not right, not seeing it as a failure but as an opportunity to learn something and then move on. So that's a good way to kind of get out of that loop and move forward. So right now, tell my listeners, if you're sitting there feeling like it's hopeless, everyone's bad, that's that's you caught in that loop and you've got to, like, figure out a new way to approach it. Maybe it's what you're doing and you can change that. You can get off the apps, you can go out, join a group, get into a club, meet people, be open. For me also, another thing is like maybe I keep going after this type of person and maybe I need to be open to these kind of people Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Maybe try new types of people.
Speaker 1:For men, I would really say dial down the focus on the aesthetics of women. Oftentimes they're just so programmed like she has to look like this conventional thing, Like maybe try something new. No-transcript how to get out of the habanula, get out from under its foot. Can you share just some final strategies for, let's say, someone's listening and they're like all right, you're right. I can tell that I am stuck in this reaction and I want to move forward.
Speaker 2:What is something?
Speaker 1:they can start doing tonight or tomorrow, to get back up on the horse and pursue in a way that feels hopeful.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So for those who are journalists, you know, who like to journal, I would say you know, have a session with yourself around all the ways in which I'm not failing at this, that I'm learning from this, you know, and just really make a record of it. You know, if you're not somebody who likes to journal and you like to do voice memos, there's on everybody's phone, there's usually like a voice memo app and you can just record all the ways in which I'm not failing at dating or finding love and all the things I've learned so far. Some part of you just wants to know, take inventory of where you're at right and then, in addition to that, like you said, what are areas that I'm repeating, that I need to iterate on. You know that would be another sort of either journal prompt or voicemail message or or voice memo, or you can just talk with a friend you know, or you can tell your cat. You can tell this to anybody, you can tell it to be Spurringer. But you're trying to get conscious of your patterns so that you don't keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results and wasting your energy and then also turning on your hermeneutic because, oh, it's not working again like nothing works for me, kind of thinking right.
Speaker 2:And then the other strategy is to realize there is, there is something for everyone, there is someone for everyone, and it doesn't matter how long or short it is. Letting go of all or nothing like unless this is a lifelong partner, it's not worth it, says who you know everybody's in your, in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. We don't get to choose, you know. So just adjusting those expectations of what it is that you're going to find, you know, and like you know, you gave a couple good ones, which is just like let go of certain preconceived notions about how somebody looks or what they need to have.
Speaker 2:But with women it's money, you know. Like they come in with a hard opinion about like he needs to have this much money and all these things, you know, because we're conditioned to look for that, you know. So softening to those, to to an opening. You know you mentioned that the chief strategy of everything is opening up your mind and having this iterative mindset of like I'm not going to get there tomorrow. It's taken me this many years to get where I'm at. It may not happen tomorrow, but I'm going to iterate my way there and that gives you the confidence that that is the sort of chief operating instruction for getting what you want. Like I said at, the beginning.
Speaker 1:Knowing is half the battle I have also shared in previous podcasts. This year I learned that I have ADHD and it was like this wonderful moment for me when I was like, oh, that's why this is happening and that's why I've always felt this way, and it transformed my life knowing that those mechanisms were at play, because then I could change what I was doing and keep changing and changing until I got to where I wanted to be.
Speaker 1:And this seems like a very similar thing. Now you know when you get that feeling after swiping and being rejected or conversating, and they ghost you you feel that feeling turn on.
Speaker 2:You can say that feeling's happening.
Speaker 1:I know what it is and I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to move towards hope. I'm going to look at the conversation that led to the ghosting and maybe see where I could have done things differently or whatever it is. Whatever it is, see it as like now you know the trigger, now you know the feeling, you can name it and you can try something different.
Speaker 2:And it's just about reps too. You know, your brain has an implicit memory system that is like a master pattern recognizer, and the more you rep, the more you, like you know, go through these failures, the more wise you get. It's just about managing the discomfort and the emotions around the habanila popping on. It's not about learning and always taking control of the insights that you get from learning something like that, you know like, oh, I learned about ghosting. What I learned is that you can't know somebody in that short amount of time and I can't know what went on with that person.
Speaker 1:It's not about you.
Speaker 2:They might be in the hospital for all I know. But yeah, but the skill is not turning it on yourself and really talking yourself out of any failure reframing, restoring, you know, neutralizing failure by hook or by crook, Because that's a dangerous state to be in any sort of failure. Thinking about this because you're not ever going to get anywhere.
Speaker 1:Right, right. And then being open to people and meeting people, learning from the mistakes that maybe ended past relationships and now you want to find love. Learn from the things that happened in the past so that when you meet someone in the future, you're doing something different and giving yourself a chance to have something that works.
Speaker 2:That's right, I had a first marriage where I had my children and that ended. We were just way too different and we're always too different. Like even before we got married we took this test for—he was Catholic his family, and they give you this like little test. And and they, literally the couple was like uh, you don't have anything in common and it says you shouldn't get married. But it's okay. We were like what you know? And we went to marriage therapy. Like the therapist was like y'all should break up. I go, is that a thing that marriage therapists tell you to break up? Like just all the signs were like do not be together under any circumstances. So after that I was really scared to date and I had, I would say, you know, a serial monogamous life, you know, and had wonderful partners and also kind of like lousy partners. But at one point when I met my husband, who was really my life partner, like first of all, I feel like I earned it because I went through so much suffering with those other men.
Speaker 1:But I've earned it. I have earned you.
Speaker 2:I earned my husband because I worked on myself and I iterated and I figured out, like, not this, but that, like okay, what about this?
Speaker 2:Let's try this, let's adjust over here that iterative mindset that I didn't know that I had until now, you know, because it's a more recent insight or discovery.
Speaker 2:But I iterated my way through all those and at one point I was so grateful I wrote this big, long piece of just thanking each of them and extracting the gift of, you know, like thank you so and so, because had you not cheated on me, I wouldn't have had the courage to leave. Thank you so and so for showing me that I was too desperate and too scared, you know, like all these things, and just thanking these men and I believe to this day that energetically, it freed me from the failures that I otherwise would have retained from those lessons. So it's up to us to like separate out the wheat from the chaff, and the real juice for you is in what you learned, how this makes you wiser, how it makes you stronger, how it makes you more insightful, how it makes you more resilient. Right, and just letting go of the rest, you know, because we have to take failure seriously, we can't just let it burn our house down in the background. Right, right.
Speaker 1:And taking failure in a way that you can appreciate it too, because you do get lessons from it and, instead of being afraid of it, embrace it and know that it's going to teach you something and take you to the next. Like you can't get to the next place if you don't learn from whatever didn't work right. You just keep spinning your wheels. So I love that, guys.
Speaker 1:I feel like this interview, this episode, has been rich with information, like I know for myself, moving forward, I'm going to be able to identify my reaction to whether in dating or something new that I'm trying, the, the fail, the inevitable failures that are going to come my way, um, but definitely in dating, um, if you are off the horse, you just put one foot in. You know, like, get back up on the saddle, sit there, look at the path in front of you and think about how you can do it differently this time. What didn't work? Try a new path. I love that. Thank you so much. This was very insightful, lots of great information. Now I would love for you to tell my listeners where they can find you, find out more about you, get your book, because this is really great information.
Speaker 2:It is. It's the only book that really you know covers this information too. So it's the only book that really you know covers this information too. So it's an anthology of all of the current habanero science. Unstoppable brain is the book. My website is drkyrobobinettecom. I run a company that has a free app that helps people to have iterative mindset, called fresh try, tricom, and it is all neuroscience, neuroscience based, and if you want to measure your iterative mindset on either my website or the Fresh Try website, we have a validated tool that you can take the quiz and you can see where you're at and kind of your psychological profile for where your iterative mindset is and how strong your iterative mindset is and how strong your iterative mindset is.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm going to make sure that we get that link out to my listeners too. I will put it in the notes of this podcast and then I'll send it out in my e-newsletter Also. You can get to my e-newsletter in the notes of this podcast episode, because that's really helpful, in the notes of this podcast episode, because that's really helpful, and so you said you have an app.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we have a app that is for free in that we don't we don't collect data, we don't do ads, and it is to help people change their behavior iteratively, using iterative mindset and habit formation, because that's really the only way the brain will rewire is if you have these reps of practices and experiments and you do it often enough for your brain to go oh okay, you want to live like that now. So this is an aid to get from not knowing this mindset, not knowing how to form true habits all the way through the neuroscience of it, to rewire your brain.
Speaker 1:That's incredible. So that is another thing you can do if you want to start on your path towards finding love is you can start learning this mindset through the app Like, why not, why not? We will get all that information out to you. You may not be there by Valentine's Day, because it's right upon us, but maybe next Valentine's Day, right? Yeah, great, all right folks. Thank you so much, kyra, for this interview, all this information. Friends, you know that if you're looking for a wing woman, sidekick, support person in your intimacy and sex journey, I am coaching. You can find my information at talksexwithanettecom. And until next time, cheers, I'll see y'all in the locker room.