Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast
Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast
How to Make a Woman Orgasm Again & Again: Get Cliterate!
Fellas, this one’s for you! We’re giving you the ultimate cheat code to unlocking her pleasure with the help of Dr. Lori Mintz, author of Becoming Clitorate. In this episode, we tackle the orgasm gap head-on and break down why so many women struggle to finish during heterosexual sex. Spoiler: it’s all about the clitoris! Dr. Mintz shares her expert insights on why focusing on clitoral stimulation is the key to her pleasure and how understanding female anatomy can transform your bedroom game. We’re talking practical tips, busting myths about vibrators, and redefining what great sex really looks like. If you’ve ever wanted to make her toes curl and keep her coming back for more, this episode is your ultimate guide. Tune in and learn how to make her orgasm—every time.
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Cheers!
Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room and Shots topic is becoming clitorate Now, yes, I said becoming clitorate. It is actually a book, but it's a great title for a podcast too, and how I like to think about this conversation we are about to have is it's kind of like a foolproof guide for giving a woman an orgasm during sex and dudes.
Speaker 1:This is mostly for you, but anybody, anybody who wants to have more orgasms. This conversation is going to be great for you, especially if you are in a relationship where you have a vulva owner and you got a penis owner, and especially in heterosexual relationships. This is going to be super helpful for your sex life. The book that I am going to be referring to is Becoming Clitorate. If you are on YouTube, you can see me holding up the book and lucky me. My guest is Dr Lori Mintz, who is the author of the book, but on top of that, she is a therapist, she is a speaker and she is a tenured professor. But I'm going to let Lori introduce herself and tell you a little bit about herself, so take it away, Lori.
Speaker 2:Sure, well, thanks for having me. I'm really happy to be here and spread the word about orgasm equality and help people orgasm. So, as you said, I'm a tenured professor at the University of Florida where I teach the psychology of human sexuality to hundreds of students a year, and I just can't even begin to say how much I love doing that, how much I love, I'd say, educating. I love doing that, how much I love, I'd say, educating. But it's more like re-educating people around sexuality. And I'm also a therapist in private practice and I give trainings to other therapists and physicians about helping people deal with sexual issues shoes. So pretty much my whole work life is around empowering women sexually educating women and men, vulva owners, penis owners, everyone about sexuality. So I'm real excited to be here.
Speaker 1:You are a perfect guest. For me, my whole life is about talking about the same, and so what I didn't say in the intro that I think is really important, is what this book really addresses is the orgasm gap. And I have talked a lot about the orgasm gap and I am just gonna say right out the gate guys, I read this book and I loved it. I felt like it was so easy to read, so digestible and so helpful. It doesn't.
Speaker 1:You know, I've read a lot of great books about sex, but even I find it hard sometimes to stay interested, stay tuned in, and this book is really, I think, as great as a manual to getting right, to having you know, more orgasmic sex for women, specifically because we'll'll, of course, talk about the orgasm gap. So I want y'all to check it out in the podcast, check it out online I'm going to have links to it, obviously, so you can purchase it. But, yeah, we're going to be talking about the orgasm gap and I'm going to let you, once we get into the conversation, list out some of those stats, but for right now, I am having coffee well into the noon hour, lori, I think you're like later on in the day. Right now.
Speaker 2:You're at three, it is late, it's afternoon. If I drink coffee now, I'd be up all night, so I have my water here.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, so well, let's raise our glasses and let's get ready to talk about sex Cheers, cheers, all right, I've been. I've been racking my brain for where to start in this conversation because there's a lot to cover and, look, I'm not going to be able to listen or to give you the full. You know everything you can get out of this book in this podcast. But I'm definitely going to like give you some of the information we are going to and hopefully get you like tonight you'll be able to like have have some good sex at home and level up your game. But what I landed on wanting to talk about, to start this whole conversation, is why I mean the basis of becoming clitorate is the idea that the orgasm gap is real, meaning women are just not having the orgasms during heterosexual penis and vagina sex.
Speaker 1:We've talked about it a lot here and your book really helps people understand how we can change that, which is by moving the attention to the clitoris, clitoral stimulation, clitoral sex, and we'll get to talking about the definition of sex. The first thing that comes to my mind is and you do address it in the book a little bit is why should men care, like what's in it for them and I do believe this. I mean, I do believe men who are partnered want to be good lovers. I do believe they want their partners to have orgasms, but it really does require kind of losing their dicks being the focus of everything. And I think in order to get anyone to truly buy into changing the status quo, especially when it serves them, you have to tell them why it benefits them even more than staying where they're at. So I want to dedicate a little like just two to three minutes talking about why I think, why you think, men will greatly benefit from getting on board with getting clitorate.
Speaker 2:I mean, I really believe that men care. I say it in the book. I say in the book. I don't believe all the stuff about the orgasm gap being due to men being selfish, not caring about women's pleasure. I mean, sure, there's some, that's true, very few, as I say in the book, if you find one, run. But the same is true of women. I mean it's, you know, there's always somebody who's not quite right for you or selfish, or whatever. But the vast majority of men really care about being a good lover, and there's, you know, I'm also a scientist, so there's research that backs this up, right, men? Actually there were studies where men feel less masculine if their partner does an orgasm. So they care, right?
Speaker 2:You care if I'm talking to men out there, but you've been duped by culture the same way women have that.
Speaker 2:You have been taught and it's all in porn and movies, mainstream that the best way to give a woman an orgasm is to last long, thrust hard, have a big dick. Well, first of all, that's not true, as we'll talk about, very few women orgasm from penetration alone and a lot of women don't want a big dick, and they don't want because it can be painful. They don't want intercourse to last that long. It gets painful. So what's in it for you? Besides being a great lover, you'll have better sex because it takes all that pressure off of you to thrust hard, last long and if you can give pleasure with your hands, your mouth, you know, holding a vibrator and take turns we know lesbian sex is more orgasmic, often because of the turn-taking you can give her a beautiful orgasm and then relax, revel in your own pleasure. So this really benefits you. It's going to make sex better for you and it's going to make you feel good because you do care about being a good lover.
Speaker 1:Right, and I'd like to add in I think that a lot of men who are still having sex the battle fashion way, which is like just ramming it in and going like a bunny, are really missing out on pleasure potential out there right Outside, of just coming like the journey, the play, the interaction, all of the other stuff you can do. They don't know how to do that, they feel awkward about it because it's not what they've been taught and they aren't getting to have that pleasure. Now, I know all about that pleasure because I also bang women and we don't when I'm with a woman. When I started having sex with women, I was like oh, we have sex all night long. You know, we take turns coming, we come at the same time. We keep going just because we're really into exploring each other's bodies. But dudes don't do that with me and so it's not as fun. Until I found my current partner, who this conversation we're having, by the way, lori, is perfect timing, because I realized that I've probably been very insulting to him, though I thought it was a compliment. He's just the best sex I've ever had ever I'm talking about, even with women and I told him up front the reason why that was was because he has girl sex with me, which he doesn't love me saying. But what I realized when you talk about what is sex and what are we calling sex and changing. In fact, where is I wrote it down?
Speaker 1:You said this book is really all about advocating for a change in sexual language. Here I am turning to my poor partner who has a penis and saying, well, you're good at sex because you have girl sex with me. And he's like poor partner who has a penis and saying, well, you're good at sex because you have girl sex with me. And he's like I'm a man, I'm fucking you like a man. But I'm in my mind going, oh, this is like what I do with women, like his cock isn't the center of the show, my orgasm is, and getting to have it several times. And you also talk about that in this book. So, guys, talk about that in this book. So, guys, men, you can also give women not only one, but multiple orgasms. When you read this book, you get the roadmap to how to have I call it girl sex, but we need to change that language how to have good sex, right.
Speaker 2:How to have sex that's incredibly pleasurable for both partners. And as a journey as much as a destination, like you say it's, and and it isn't about reaching a goal. It's about sharing pleasure and exploring and having fun, so I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I think kind of the next question or next clarification I want you to share with listeners is the whole comment about advocating for change in sexual language. You kind of launch into your book talking about finding a new term for sex, because when people hear the word sex they think penis and vagina. But it's, that's not sex, right, Right?
Speaker 2:I mean the words we use really set women up to not have orgasms and they set men up to feel pressured to give women orgasms in ways that are actually pretty impossible. So we, like you were saying and like you've talked about on this podcast before, we use the word sex and intercourse as if they're one in the same and we call everything before foreplay as if it's just an unimportant, but lead up to this main event and by doing so we're really constricting our sexuality and we're sort of privileging sex around a penis, around the way people with penises come.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I say this in the book. I say, if we were to overvalue the way women orgasm and I'm not blaming men, I'm blaming culture, the way that we overvalue how men orgasm we would call foreplay sex, an intercourse, postplay Right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm not advocating that. I'm advocating that we consider both women and men's most reliable route to orgasm equal, and that everything is equally sex, whether it's vibrator, oral intercourse, it's all sex. It's vibrator, oral intercourse, it's all sex.
Speaker 1:It's all sex and yeah. So I love this kind of question for people to go over in their minds. It goes back to exactly what you just said in the book. It said something long and I know I didn't write it down perfectly, but what would the world be like if men's orgasms were just foreplay and women's orgasms were the main show? Because women tend to orgasm through clitoral stimulation, which doesn't typically come from penetration, it comes from oral sex, it comes from being finger play, it comes from, you know, toy play, and people would heteronormative folks would just call that foreplay, and so this question you pose really does make people sit with that. And then the other quote that I loved is quality sex means orgasm equality. So quality sex means orgasm equality, and I think if we start looking at how to have sex so that that is true, then men start to understand I've got to start focusing on no orgasm imperative.
Speaker 2:Not everyone has to orgasm every time you have sex, because that pressure is another pressure. But what it does mean is that the whole ordeal is not revolved around one person's orgasm the way we do it now foreplay just to get ready for intercourse, intercourse, male ejaculation, sex over that it's all. Everybody's sexual pleasure is equally important.
Speaker 1:That it's equality.
Speaker 2:It's intimate equality.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and look, this book is fascinating on so many levels. One thing I wish we had time to go into here that we're not going to, and it was funny you talked about how you find history kind of boring sometimes but how important it is to go in to the history of the woman's clit because this book is all literally about becoming clitorate. So I mean, I guess we haven't really said that up front but your book Becoming Clitorate focuses, I mean, most of the pages on getting to know the clit, orgasm through clitoral stimulation really, and the history of the fucking clit. And it was fascinating to me actually you put the timeline historically of how the women's clit was treated and women's orgasms were treated. Folks, I wish I had written down the chapter it was on. But if you get this book, take some time with that history.
Speaker 1:She pared it down. So it's a quick read, but it will just kind of like your jaw will drop. So it's a quick read, but it will just kind of like your jaw will drop. And it is important in the conversation because, look, guys, you, as you said, they've really been duped Right To think that our orgasm and our clits aren't that important and they haven't been taught about it and you take the time to teach everybody about the clit. To teach everybody about the clit when you were looking up the history of the clit, can you just give one little factoid that shocked you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can. I certainly knew about Freud, which, for those of you who don't know, and then I'll say what really shocked me. I mean, he really dealt a blow that we're still dealing with, saying that when women mature, they'll move their sensations from their clitoris to their vagina. That's like saying when you mature, you'll stop breathing through your nose, you'll start breathing through your ears. We don't just transfer organ functions. It's ridiculous.
Speaker 2:So I knew that, I knew that and that had to be central. But what I didn't realize is sort of two things. One is that the way the clitoris has been lost and found over time, like there are times it's been central, we know about it, and then it goes underground and people forget. Then it comes back and goes underground, and I think the time is now to like get her in the limelight and not forget again, like get her in the limelight and not forget again. And so that was probably that's the part, I think, the sort of the overview that shocked me of how history has been repeating itself, for centuries when it comes to women's sexual pleasure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you outline it very well. Okay, let's launch in. We are going to launch into sort of, you know, when people walk away from this podcast episode, I want to have some just little quick blow by blows of encapsulate some of what you say in your book so that they could get started tonight while they order your book online. Right, because it's definitely worth having this manual next to your bed. But so, with the orgasm gap, can you give me some stats that you think are most important for people to keep in their mind, that you think everybody should know? Yes, I would love to.
Speaker 2:So when women and men get it on, women are having fewer orgasms. In one study that was like sort of started people looking at this. When asked how often you orgasm during sex, 39 percent of women versus 91 percent of men said always like that's huge. Now future research said let's look at this a little more carefully, let's look at the context of the sex, because that didn't. And what we know is that in hookup sex, especially first time hookup sex, the gap is huge, like 55% of men versus 10% of women, and then it gets smaller and subsequent hookups, friends with benefits, and it's smallest of all in relationships, but it never closes together altogether. In one study, 85, I'm sorry, 95% of men versus 68% of women said they orgasmed at their last instance of relationship sex. And this study I'm about to talk about isn't in the book, but I really want to tell you about it.
Speaker 2:There was a lot of people say oh, it's because women's orgasms are difficult or elusive. No, it's not, and we know that because when women are alone, 95% orgasm easily and within minutes. Our orgasms are not elusive, our body's not elusive. But this study blew my mind and I think you're going to love it as someone who gets it on with women and men is that there was a study of bisexual women who had hookup sex with women and men. So same woman, same body, and this study came out after the book. So when, with first time hookup sex with men, they orgasmed 7% of the time and in first-time hookup sex with women, 64% of the time.
Speaker 1:When a bisexual woman is partaking in hookup sex. Like I have done quite a bit with both men and women, let's outline those results one more time.
Speaker 2:Same woman, same body, right. So with first time hookup sex with women, they orgasm the first time 64% of the time. With men 7% of the time.
Speaker 1:That is insane, that is wow, that is. And what a great study, what a smart study. Also, I would like to once again say another reason why bisexual women are awesome Because we're great for these sexual studies of how our bodies are being treated by people of different genders. That is fascinating. You're right Same body. So something is happening in the sex we are having women are having with women versus what women are having with men, and you, of course, know what the answer to this is, and the answer is the answer is you know, I'll tell you what it's not Everyone's like.
Speaker 2:oh, if you have a clit, you know what to do with it. No, because every clit needs something different. But what you do do, or do know, is to ask, communicate about what the person wants and focus not focus the entire encounter around a penis and around penetration, as if that was the main, only important act that you're building up to. And that's the difference.
Speaker 1:So there you go. There you go, guys. The doctor has spoken, the bi girls have shown up and you know, given our body for research, I love this study.
Speaker 1:It's great, I'm going to be using this for a long time, by the way, all right. Well then, let's get to it. Let's get to this guide you have really given folks in your book Becoming Clitorate to having more orgasms, and so the bulk of the read really is speaking to women. And however, comma, I do have a lot of male listeners out there and I want to say this, circling back to what you said in the beginning, when I started this podcast, talking about sex as boldly and outright as I do, people thought, oh, annette, you're going to be getting these nasty comments and emails and whatever sex from men. And I'm going to tell you the main thing I get from my male listeners and I'm going to say, by and large, cis men, I don't assume sexuality. I get lots of email and DMs where they're literally asking for help. I get that far more. I mean, I've gotten one, a handful over two and a half years of kind of nasty comments. Generally speaking, I get tons of comments from men who really, really want to know how to have better sex with their partner, from men who really, really want to know how to have better sex with their partner. So, guys, even though in this book, the middle part of it, lori is really, I think, talking to women, telling us how to prepare our body, to learn how to be orgasmic, so we can share that with our partner.
Speaker 1:I encourage you to read it, like read that part. If you're not a reader, don't worry. She did a little small manual in the back that you can just get through, but I do think this book is for everyone. That's kind of what I'm wanting to say. But so let's. If you're talking to a woman, what is the first thing you're going to tell her to do? She's like I'm not having orgasms during sex. How can I start down the path?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So the first step is learning your anatomy, and that may sound unimportant, but if you don't know what you have, you can't really direct a partner, you can't use the words. So you know. Along with the history chapter, as I said in the book, the anatomy part was the hardest to write because that stuff's usually like a little boring. But the most important thing and I give a summary and I do try to make it fun but the most important thing to know and I'm pulling out a puppet right now for people who are in audio.
Speaker 2:You want to hop on YouTube, you can see it I'm pulling out a vulva puppet and the outside area of women's genitals is called a vulva, not a vagina. That's another language problem. When we call the whole thing a vagina, we're linguistically erasing the parts of ourselves that give us the most pleasure. But the most important thing to know is the vast majority of women need external vulva stimulation, either alone or coupled with penetration, to have an orgasm. So what's on the vulva is super important. There's the outer lips. It just encases what's inside and that's equivalent to the sack that encases your balls. Then there is the inner lips, the sack that encases your balls, Then there is the inner lips. They're hairless, chock full of touch, sensitive nerve endings, analogous to and this is in terms of actual organs, when people are, you know, developing analogous to the shaft of the penis. You follow them up, they form the clitoral hood, which is analogous to the male force. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:I want to say that really do go over to YouTube, because this is the first time I'm looking at you. As you're rearranging the lips and stuff. I see the penis, you just like. You know what I mean. Yes, I can see the shaft going up to it. All makes sense. Go to YouTube.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is. This is the. I always pronounce the homology or whatever. It's like when babies are born what? What develops into what? So you follow the shaft of or the inner lips right up.
Speaker 2:It forms the clitoral hood, which is analogous to the foreskin, if it's not removed, and under the foreskin is the glands of the penis. It's the penis. See, they're so similar. The glands of the clitoris, it's the external part, because there is internal parts. It's like about the size of a pencil eraser. On average has over you often hear eight.
Speaker 2:It's over 10,000 nerve endings in this small place and that's analogous to the head of the penis and it's so chock full of nerve endings, Ouch, a lot of people can't touch it directly, so need to touch it around. Now, on top is an area a lot of people don't know about. It's called the mons pubis. It's sort of where, the where, a mound of fatty tissue, where there's hair on, if not removed, and the legs of the clitoris run through here. So a lot of people like to push on that while they rub up and down because the internal clitoris goes through there. Of course there's the vaginal opening and what we know about that is that opening and the inner third have touch sensitive nerve endings. The inner two third have only pressure sensitive nerve endings, explaining why women can wear tampons and not be bothered. Because we can't. Until we're aroused and can feel pressure inside our vaginas, we don't feel touch. So the idea that women's vaginas are the key is really false when you look at where the touch versus pressure sensitive nerve endings are.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is like again. I can't believe. I don't know some of this stuff. My listeners hear me say this all the time.
Speaker 1:Now, one thing you may not know, that my listeners know, is that I did last year 365 days of orgasms, meaning I gave myself at least one or with help orgasm a day, every day for a year, and during that time I discovered my G spot, which I or at least what I'm assuming, is what my partner and I are declaring my G spot. But the other thing is I started to find places inside for the first time in my entire life. I always tell people I didn't feel pleasure from penetration. I felt pressure and for the first time ever in the last two years of my life, I've started like I'm always like these little places inside are waking up, like I'm always like these little places inside are waking up. But what you're saying is now this all is coming together. Is that because I'm maybe I'm learning how to become more aroused or something? Those nerve endings fire up so I can feel touch, and I'm feeling touch in there for the first time.
Speaker 2:I mean I think it's really interesting. I mean I don't know exactly, but what I think is you're feeling different sensations and you're allowing yourself to lean into them, feel them. And what's really interesting about the G-spot is it's really not a spot. Its proper name is the clitoral urethral vaginal complex and it has part of the clitoris, part of the sponge that wraps around the urethra and part of the vagina wall. So it's not just a spot, it's a whole area in and that includes different parts. And my guess is, you know you're discovering there's so many different areas that you can feel pressure, pleasure, touch, and you're just starting to feel so many more of them and open to that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's been fascinating at 48.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. It's never too late. It's never too late.
Speaker 1:No, and I think that's so important because women are given this message of oh, once you're 40, you're like sexually uninteresting, or your sex life is over. In fact, I would say mine really took off All right. So now we've gotten to know our anatomy. Yes, what comes next?
Speaker 2:So you know it, you look at it, you get out a mirror, you identify your parts. Then you have to work on the sex organ between your ears, and so that's. The next step is two parts of that. One is we have so much deeply ingrained shame and sex negativity. So really figuring out what are your sort of negative thoughts that you might just carry with you, your shame around sex or pleasure, and work on those. So really getting to really allow yourself sex positivity, letting go of shame. And then the other piece is mindfulness, which gets a lot of hype, but it gets it for a reason because mindfulness is putting your mind and body in the same place.
Speaker 2:So many times we're doing one thing with our body and our mind somewhere else. Maybe a listener been listening to this and I'm not insulted, you know, I don't think Annette's insulted, I don't want to speak for you. But 10 times your mind might have wandered to something else. Oh, a phone call, oh this. That's what our minds do. They to something else? Oh, a phone call, oh this. That's what our minds do. They go forward, oh, they go backwards. Mindfulness is being in the same place and it takes a ton of practice, but it's really sex's best friend, because so many times during sex we're thinking do I look okay, do I smell okay? Are they having fun? You know all of these awful these thoughts. You know all of these thoughts and mindfulness allows you to catch them more quickly. Come back to your body and, in a really interesting study, the state of mind right before orgasm is the same as deep mindfulness meditation. So to have an orgasm really requires being mindful.
Speaker 1:Right. One of the most fascinating things I read there were many, but this one I wrote down was the brain research showing that right before and, I think, during orgasm you can't think anything or you don't some area I'm sorry that's incorrect, that's how I translated it, but some areas of the conscious brain.
Speaker 2:Basically shut down right, your secondary part shuts down and that's what allows an orgasm. And now the research isn't clear Does the orgasm bring you back out? Do you stay in that state? But what we do know is that state is essential to having an orgasm, which a lot of people why? I think explains why a lot of people say it's spiritual or religious. You're really fully in your body. You're not thinking, you're not monitoring, and you can cultivate that in daily life.
Speaker 2:You can meditate with an app, with music, whatever. There's all kinds of apps or you can do it in your daily life. I try to do that. I meditate every morning, but I also like remember to practice, like when I'm brushing my teeth. That's usually a time for me to think about what's going on the next, this day or the next day, or how am I going to sleep. So, really, instead taking that time to really focus exclusively on the toothbrush, on the feelings in your mouth and and oh there, my brain goes again bring it back. And that's mindfulness. You can practice it drinking coffee, you can practice it brushing your teeth, you can practice it going while you're urinating. Any moment can be a moment where you can practice mindfulness, because that's focusing on your body's knowing, noticing the thoughts and bringing them back to your body without judgment.
Speaker 1:Right. So just to reiterate the self-monitoring part of that brain, correct, consciousness shuts off. When you're orgasming, all of those thoughts you're having about is my belly is sticking out. Oh, for me it's like you know what are my breasts look like right now, or whatever it is. All of that shuts off, which is what a beautiful moment for us, right? It's a little mini break from life.
Speaker 2:It's in thing and that might be, if you don't think. That's a great way to reframe these sex negative thoughts. What a wonderful break from my pressured life. What a great opportunity to turn my brain off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you start with anatomy, then you go to working on your mindset and the stuff in your brain that's getting in the way of having sex, and then you go to measuring yourself, masturbation, because, if the you know, the most essential first step to orgasming with a partner is to do it alone.
Speaker 2:You can't, you know so many times. Women know what to do alone and they don't translate it into partner sex. A lot of times women don't know what they like alone or, like you. You discovered new things that you like alone so that you can then transfer. So, to really take the time to have a great sex life with yourself, learn what you're like, learn what turns you on, experiment with yourself with your hands, lubricant toys, everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the doctor said it. It's not just me, folks, this is an expert, an author, a therapist, a scientist, a teacher just said it. You know it's good for you, good for your health, and you can't have orgasms in bed with someone else if you don't know how to do it by yourself. Yeah, and so then after that in the book you guide them to now you've been having orgasms, you know, on your own. Now you know how to come, you know how it's easiest for you to come or how you like to come when you're by yourself. So you can't. Just, we know that good sex rests on sexual communication.
Speaker 2:Couples who communicate more have more arousal, more orgasms, less erection problems, less pain. So it's learning to talk about sex and so many times people are like, oh, I can't, it's too scary. And you know it is. It's scary because our culture told us it was Again. Imagine a world if you were never taught that talking about sex is taboo. And when you can have conversations about sex outside of the bedroom, I call them kitchen table sex, talks of the bedroom, I call them kitchen table sex talks. What are we like? What could we do? That's more fun. What are your fantasies when you start being able to talk about sex outside of the bedroom and then you talk? Then there's another type of talk Do we want to have sex? What do we want to do? It's not just good for getting consent, but planning the encounter, having a joint vision of it, if you will, then actually communicating during sex. It can be nonverbal, it can be verbal, you can actually use words during sex and then processing the sex after talking about. How was that for you? Did you like?
Speaker 2:that new thing I did how could it have been better? And so to really learn to talk about sex. And that's the next step. And then the step after that is you put it all together and you get rid of that old foreplay just to get her ready for intercourse. Intercourse, male orgasm, quote sex over, and you get creative. And I give lots of examples. Actually that when I wrote that chapter I kind of joked with a friend.
Speaker 2:I guess I'm no longer writing self-help, I'm writing erotica, because there's like a lot of like creative ways to do it and it's, I think it's what you said. A lot of them are modeled on girl sex, right, they're turn-taking their sex like oral sex where she orgasms, followed by intercourse where he does, or just turn-taking, masturbating each other. So many different ways to do this. And I do have some tips for people who really still want to try to orgasm during intercourse and I say it during the same act, not the same time, and I talk about couple vibrators and positions that stimulate your clit. So you put it all together by using all that knowledge with a partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I would like to say, as well as you giving some great examples for how to have it all come together during sex, you actually also you give a lot of masturbation tips.
Speaker 1:There are a lot, this book. There's no way I can cover the useful information in this book and I think it's interesting to me because I feel like you did a beautiful job of a lot of the things I've talked about in my different episodes and you know, some of them are fun raunchy episodes, but it's you know, came together in your book, obviously in a much more educational fun, though I'd like to say your writing is fun. It definitely feels like a friend is talking to you about it and I think that's what appealed to me a lot about it as well.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so you map out different ways to explore with masturbation, different methods, and then also during sex, different approaches to it. This is not a guidebook that's for 101, just vanilla people. I feel like it can really fit with a lot of different people even wanting to expand on where they're already at. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:I so hope. So that was my dream, so thank you for saying that my dream.
Speaker 1:So thank you for saying that. Yeah, you really did a great job with that and you touched on some important topics that I do want to mention here. Reframing and this is where the work for penis owners and men is are really going to come in. Not thinking things like, oh, if she does rubbing her clit while I'm having sex with her, that means I'm not enough. Or shame around bringing toys into the bedroom because it means something bad about you as a man. That's the big fucking lie.
Speaker 1:You've been sold right, right, like learning to use these things with her and have fun. And and why would you not use tools or extra hands or whatever it is to enhance sex and make it more? All about erasing kind of this bullshit story. We've been sold about what sex should be like, about women's pleasure, what it means to be a good lover, because I'll tell you what, guys. It's not the size of your dick, it's not you know how long you can pound away, it's not even really how long you can last, because you can keep going long after you've come with toys with your hands. God, my partner will use his fingers or a toy on me for as long as I want before and after he comes Beautiful.
Speaker 2:And that's sexual equality. There, it's orgasm equality. He is giving you what you need, you are giving him what he needs. You're both reveling in the pleasure. It sounds as beautiful.
Speaker 1:And don't you think and I thought maybe I'm just getting into my own head but there is like I get off when I'm with a partner, even if I'm not having an orgasm. I literally get off in this weird emotional like sexual way by giving someone else pleasure, just watching that and being like I am the master of what is happening to your body right now.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, and if guys can, I think most people feel that, and I think that's where it kind of circles back to the beginning. How does this benefit men? You can really experience her pleasure and be part of it and then experience and be part of yours, without that pressure, sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And well I know for a fact from my experience having sex with women and I have talked about it in this podcast a lot I like to get into the dom role with women. Oftentimes I don't have an orgasm, but I feel so much fulfillment and I think that men learning how to like revel in that kind of pleasure. It doesn't require your dick to ever get hard at all. You know what I mean. And being expansive about the idea of what sexual pleasure is, it happens in my vagina, it happens in your dick, it also happens in your head, it can happen other where places in your body Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Right, so I'm going to say. What I want to say is this book is basically a guide to how all people can have girl sex with women, but I know that is not the nicest thing to say, because it does to mean like men want to have good sex too. It is a guide to having what? How would you put it?
Speaker 2:I would say it's. It's a guide to having great sex with people who have clitorises because, though, that organ has been so ignored, and it's a reason that ignorance, ignoring and ignorance is a reason that a lot of people are having shitty sex, so a lot, yeah, so it's a guide. It's a guide to understanding that where it comes from, and then fixing that, both culturally and in your own individual bedroom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and kind of in the beginning of the book, one of the topics was the function of the female orgasm, and I think that's kind of was in the history area where people at times would question well, what's even the function of the female orgasm, why is it even important? So I want to end our conversation with that, because I think it is a question that comes up a lot. Now I'm going to give you my take on why it's important. Whether or not you know people will argue well, it helps you, it makes you more likely to get pregnant during sex because it you know, the sperm can swim in your wetness or whatever. I've heard crap like that.
Speaker 1:But I'm going to say, after a year of having lots of orgasms and doing my own research, the function of the female orgasm is health, for our health, mental, physical there's a lot of health perks that come out of it for us and maintaining our health through life spiritual, if you want to like. It's because we want to be healthy people and this is such a orgasming regularly Often. Uh, I think it's is essential. It's like taking it's better than taking a vitamin. So that's my take. I would like to know what. What would you say it is?
Speaker 2:Oh, I don't. I think I'd love to leave it there. I go through the scientific studies debating it, but what you just said, it's for you, it's for your wellbeing, it's free in it and the other thing that it reminds me of you know, I wrote the book to try to close the orgasm gap, empower women to orgasm, and I've gotten what I didn't realize, and I is. I've had so many, so many beautiful notes and emails and there's a consistent theme that just took me by surprise, and it was women saying, now that I'm orgasmic and empowered in the bedroom, I'm unstoppable outside. And the old thinking was you know, teach someone to get empowered outside and then translate it to the bedroom. But these women readers are saying, no once I could be empowered in this intimate way. I felt confident, I felt healthy, I felt vibrant, I felt unstoppable outside. So that goes hand in hand with what you're saying.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing that, because I have been championing that since I started this podcast. You have no idea how many people who are like Annette. Why is everything sex, sex, sex. Why do you have to talk about sex all the time? I'm like because what's happening in your bedroom directly affects what's happening in your life outside of the bedroom. It is all interconnected.
Speaker 2:It's not this part of our life we lock away in a different room. Exactly it is not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay guys again. Therapist, scientist, speaker, author just verified again what I keep saying I don't have the credentials. I've got the practice, but I don't have the credentials. So I love that you're sharing that and that you're getting that feedback from you know, other women.
Speaker 2:So and I love that your life experience is validating that Before we wrap it up.
Speaker 1:are there any? You know, have I missed anything that you really wish? We had an opportunity to say.
Speaker 2:The only thing that we didn't really dive into, and I'll keep it brief, and it's the reason I'm wearing these. If you want to hop on YouTube, you can see these vibrator earrings I have other pairs. I couldn't decide which to wear. So you know, annette helped me out there and we picked these. But the point is, why am I wearing vibrator earrings? Because let go of all those myths that vibrators are addictive.
Speaker 2:They replace men. All of that is complete bullshit. They are a tool, they are your friend, and I can even get into the science and this isn't in the book, because I just learned it. We have special receptors in our vulva and the penis that respond to vibration. Women who use them have easier and more frequent orgasms. Women who say their male partner endorses their vibrator use have more orgasms. Also, guys, if your penis is parked in the vulva, genital vagina, vagina region and there's a vibrator, you're going to catch vicarious vibes. Your penis is also responsive to vibration, so vibrator. So here's my advice. My final advice is lubricate, masturbate and vibrate, and you might as well hydrate too, because that's always good, I love it.
Speaker 1:That's what a cheers to that. And so that reminded me of one last tidbit having to do with the vibrator, because that is a whole additional conversation you and I could have. You talk about a study where kind of weird, but apparently they studied on rabbits clitorises Weird. Apparently they studied on rabbits clitorises Weird, but we're going to talk about it because what they found is that rabbits who has received vibration to their clitoris. I cannot imagine the scientist and researcher that had to do that. Some poor college student, you know it. They grew right With nerve endings.
Speaker 2:Instead of desensitizing, because rabbits have remarkably similar clitorises to humans. There they grew. They grew in sensitivity, they weren't desensitized right.
Speaker 1:So I will tell you. The main nasty comments I have gotten from men on social media, especially whenever I'm sharing whatever toy I'm into at the moment is like oh, your vibrator is ruining your vagina. It's ruining it for men. You'll lose all sensitivity. So research is actually pointing towards the opposite. It will help you gain sensitivity. That's what you're saying. That study showed.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's what that study shows. Now, it's one study. It's rabbits, but I've had a lot of women tell me that they were not orgasmic till they found the vibrator. That works and it's a friend, it's a, it's a in the metaphor I use in the book for guys who are threatened is and women who think guys will be threatened. If you're swimming in the swimming pool and you're have a raft in the pool and you jump on the raft and off the raft, you kiss, you swim, whatever. You don't go home and call your friend and go oh, me and my raft had the best day. Oh, my partner was there too. You don't even mention the raft because it was just a tool to enhance the experience, and the same is true of vibrators.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So again, it's time to go buy some sex toys. Not just me saying it, we have a published author who's agreeing with me. So this has been such a fun conversation and I want to thank you so much for this book. And guys I am. I'm going to be writing a review on she Explores Life of the book, although you've pretty much gotten my take on it. I'm going to have links for you so you can buy it. But is there any other place where you would like people to find information about you, the books that you've written, so on and so forth, where they can follow?
Speaker 2:you. My website has most information, which is wwwdrlauriemintzcom. You can find links to my books, my TED Talk, all that, and the social media platform that I'm the most active on is Instagram, and my handle there, which is also the same as Facebook and other social media, is Dr Laurie Mintz. It's the same handle everywhere.
Speaker 1:Great, great. So go, follower, get the fucking book. I mean, I really again, I know that sometimes it's hard. It's hard for me to find time to just read, because of work, because of relationships, so on and so forth. But this is something couples people throuples. I don't care what you are, get this book. You're going to be able to get through it real quickly. Earmark things that are just for you. And again, in the back she did sort of what is? It's a little handbook, a mini version of the entire book, especially for guys who are like I don't want to read all about a clitoris. That's user friendly, quick to read. You can hand it over to him and say, hey, these pages check out the whole book written directed at a male audience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so get it guys. Thank you so much for joining me you guys know where to find me Socials. You know Locker Room Talkin' Shots. I'm on Instagram, facebook, head over to TikTok. I am putting up some fun videos there. It's Locker Room Talkin' Shots podcast there and you can always join me on my personal Instagram at beingbenedetti and. I thank you so much for the book and the conversation, so thank you for the conversation.
Speaker 2:I really appreciate it. It was a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:It's been great, and so, guys, until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.
Speaker 2:Ring loop.