Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast
Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast
The Secret to Becoming a Masculine Man Women Crave! With GS Youngblood
In this episode, we sit down with GS Youngblood, renowned author and expert on masculine leadership, to delve into what it means to lead with strength, integrity, and emotional intelligence. We explore how men can embody healthy masculinity, moving beyond toxic patterns to lead confidently both inside and outside of the bedroom. From cultivating deeper connection and communication with partners to embracing vulnerability and responsibility, this conversation is a powerful guide for any man seeking to elevate his relationships, intimacy, and impact on the world.
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Cheers!
Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the Locker Room. Today's Locker Room Talk, talk and shots.
Speaker 1:Topic is masculinity, relationships and the modern man exploring GS Youngblood's masculine blueprint. The internet and social media feeds are riddled with both men and women complaining about the inability to find love and fulfilling relationship in the modern world. Many women are no longer interested in engaging in the traditional role of partner and wife as it's been written through the patriarchal lens, and men are struggling to understand their new role as a romantic and sexual partner to women in the modern world. As more and more women choose to be a single cat lady in life over being a wife, how do men begin to bridge the relationship gap? Well, my guest today says he has the answer.
Speaker 1:Gs Youngblood is the author of the Masculine in Relationship I've got the book right here and the Art of Embodiment for Men. Drawing from over 15 years of experience as a student and teacher in men's work and relationships, he contends that many relationship challenges arise from the absence of masculine leadership and advocates for men to lead from their masculine core. His approach emphasizes the importance of men doing their own inner work as a foundation for resolving issues in relationships, and we are going to be talking about that today.
Speaker 1:But before we dive in and try to get men my listeners and women who are wanting to be with men some answers and maybe a path forward, because I think that's what we're all wanting right now.
Speaker 2:I would love GS.
Speaker 1:If you could just take a moment to tell my listeners a little bit more about you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you want to hear about me.
Speaker 1:I want to hear about you, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, my mission in life is to help men have better relationships by bringing more masculine leadership, and what I want is for these guys to be more powerful and more relational, and I think there's a lot of different types of men's work out there, and I think that's where a lot of men's work not all, but a lot of it leaves.
Speaker 2:It stops just short of the relational aspect, and so it's good to get your own sovereignty within your own body and get grounded and be available for relationship, but you've got to have those relational skills too, and that's that's what I'm out sharing with men every day because I've been there. I've been the guy that couldn't make a relationship work, had a divorce many years ago, and that was my fuel. What I felt like was a failure in my own life to keep my family together. That was my fuel to learn the dynamics of masculine, feminine and to codify the principles that I saw, Because there's a lot of common dynamics that men are up against. And so that's what I tell the men guys, we're all in this together because what you're experiencing is a set of really common dynamics that have known inputs and then they have known ways that you deal with them, and that's what I'm teaching with to men every day and that's what's in the book.
Speaker 1:Okay, and so, listener, I'm hoping that you all will stay to the end, because what we're going to learn is we're going to learn about GS's method and hopefully, by the end of this podcast, you're going to have some tools, both men and women, because obviously women are going to either get the book and hand it over to the man or send my my episode to them.
Speaker 1:Um, but if you're a man listening, I'm hoping that by the end of this episode you'll have some tools that you can start using right away, uh, and a direction you can begin to head. Uh in order to have a better relationship with whomever you're hoping to have a relationship with. So let's do this. Let's talk about men in relationships. It's going to go well. I want to start with the core concept behind the masculine blueprint. Like how did, what is the framework and how you came up?
Speaker 2:with it. Yeah, let me explain what it is and how I came about it, and then we'll we'll dive into the blueprint itself. So I just, you know, when I started my journey many years ago you know this this notion of being more in my masculine was very ethereal. I didn't know what that meant. Um and and that's what I really sought out, set out to to solve was like okay, how can I simplify this for guys, how can we boil this down into just the simplest aspects so that guys can actually make it actionable? A lot of the resources I read were either super vague and not particularly helpful, or they were kind of pie in the sky, kind of fuzzy spiritual guides, and they didn't serve me. So I assume they didn't serve other men as well. And so that's what I set out to create was a really concrete, simple, actionable blueprint. And and that is what the book is organized around it's organized around what I call the masculine blueprint and there's three elements to it.
Speaker 2:Here's the super, super short version. If you get more grounded, lead more in your relationship and build emotional safety and connection within the relationship, you are, number one, going to be living more from your masculine core and, number two, you're going to have a hell of a lot better relationship. And that it's not you know, it's not a hundred percent thing. There's always other causes of relationship dysfunction, but most cases, the vast majority of cases, will be. You can really improve the state of your relationship through embodying the principles in this blueprint. So that's the background. So the first element is what I call in the book respond versus react.
Speaker 2:This is what I said earlier is getting more grounded and this is the quality of a man who there's his nerve First of all, his nervous system is grounded, who there's his nerve first of all, his nervous system is grounded and there's a certain sense of stillness to him which kind of creates a spaciousness for him to have the space to really choose how he wants to be moment to moment. He's very choiceful in how he lives his life and in the big things and in, you know, each moment itself. And that's the kind of guy you can. You can feel that from across the room. I mean for Annette, I'm sure you can, because you've got to you're going to probably have a sensitive, feminine nervous system where you can feel if a man's kind of jacked up or if he's very grounded, and you don't need, often don't need visual cues, it's a felt sense.
Speaker 2:And what I tell guys all the time is if your nervous system's jacked up, if you've got anxiety in your system, guess what that transmits across the space between into her nervous system and then she's going to feel sort of mildly uncomfortable and maybe not even know why. All she knows is when she's around you she kind of feels uncomfortable, and of course that's not what we're trying to evoke in the world and in our partnerships. So, to get men more grounded, I there's two main things that I talked to them about. One is well, three I'll say. One is dealing with your trauma. I don't let's not go into that. There's, there's lots of things.
Speaker 1:I love that. That is the sexiest thing I've heard all week Deal with your trauma, no way. I mean, like I'm glad that you said that for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as a guy really, this is actually. It's not as a guy, man or woman doesn't matter. But if there's, if you keep acting in a certain way and you're getting triggered in a way and defensive and you're just like, damn, why do I keep doing that? I promised myself I wouldn't get defensive with her and there I go again. That's your trauma, it's whatever.
Speaker 2:There's something broken that's below the cognitive and it goes way back. So trying to fix it now with, like a cognitive intention to not be defensive, for instance, it doesn't work. You have to go back in your history and you have to heal the trauma. Everybody's got trauma, right? I didn't think I did until I did about a year of therapy after my divorce and then I realized, oh yeah, there definitely were some traumatic things in there and I needed to deal with those. So, number one deal with your trauma. Number two get a better relationship with your emotions and I know that's super cliche Like men need to get, you know, in touch with their emotions.
Speaker 2:Well, guys, here's the thing. A lot of men out there think, oh, getting in touch with my emotions, are you trying to make me more feminine? And what I always say is no, no, guys masculine, feminine we both have deep emotions. We both can feel deeply. It's how we express them that can often be different between masculine and feminine, and so I'm teaching guys a really masculine style of expressing themselves.
Speaker 2:It tends to be more succinct, it tends to be more judicious and it tends to be there's more clarity to it, um, and there is a very powerful way that you can feel your emotions deeply, express them in a very responsible way and still be in your masculine. So that's the second part of that of of men becoming more grounded. And then the most important part is having a daily embodiment practice, and this is something that I obviously I wrote about in my second book, the Art of Embodiment Having a daily practice of embodiment practices that are specifically designed to help you ground your nervous system while you're in a relational space, and anybody that's heard me talk knows I go on and on about embodiment and I want all my clients, I want all men, to have a daily practice. So that's the first element of the blueprint.
Speaker 1:I want to interrupt you because I think and maybe all people, but let's, because we are talking to men. I feel like a lot of men don't even know what the word embodiment truly means.
Speaker 1:It's a hard concept to get, and a lot of us may, even women, we think we know, but I think, women, we deal with embodiment a lot, especially if we've had children, just having our monthly period. We are so in constant contact with what's going on inside of ourselves in one way or the other, but also like how we exist inside of ourselves. How do you, for my audience, for men who are listening, can you explain to them in as short of a way as you can what embodiment is?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but draw the contrast between being embodied and being in your head. And you're in your head. When you're kind of, your awareness is on your thinking mind and all its little defensive strategies that it does. And if your woman's ever told you that she can't feel you, you feel robotic things like that, it means you're in your head rather than more in touch with your physicality. And so, instead of having your awareness all on your thinking mind and kind of believing this thought world that it creates, which it does, it creates a world of thoughts Then you act as if they're true. They're not necessarily true, but if you could take just some of that awareness and train yourself to have part of that awareness rest in your physicality, like literally physical sensations in your body and I always point to specific ones, not just this generalized feel your body Then, when you have some of your awareness on sensation well, guess what?
Speaker 2:Sensation only happens in the now, it only happens in this moment and now in this moment. And so when you have some attention on your physicality, you are actually being tethered into this moment and what's actually happening here in this moment, because sensation only happens in the now, and so that's really it. It's about. Where is your awareness? Is it thinking, mind, or is it partially in the body? And when it's in the body, then you become more embodied. You occur as more here, more present, more grounded, um more primal Like your. Your sensitive feminine partner will experience you as more primal, as more felt and more visceral, which is, I mean, you tell me, is that a turn on or?
Speaker 1:not a turn on. Yeah, it's wonderful. Yeah, exactly that's what you want from me. I mean, yeah, we want to feel that exchange and that like really being in the moment together. Can you explain why? Embodiment so you did a little bit embodiment so you did a little bit Embodiment is desirable for a man to learn about because it keeps them in the moment and they will feel more primal to the partner. But are there other reasons why staying embodied as much as possible is going to help your relationship with your partner, especially in, let's say, moments of conflict or moments of even arousal and like intimacy?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, when our woman comes at us, angry at us because we did something that she didn't like, we often see it as a threat um, our woman's and we don't want to be bad, wrong or disappointing or or not confident. It's very hard for men to be to be perceived as such. So when you come at us with the intensity, we're like, oh shit, and you're a threat, and then we treat you like a threat, we get defensive, we stonewall you, we withdraw, like anything to make the feeling of discomfort really stop because you're a threat. When you're embodied and I say this all the time when you're embodied, when you're in your heart more, you seem like less of a threat. I can actually feel your pain instead of the expression of the pain.
Speaker 2:And that's a big deal because you know, when I can see beyond maybe any blaming, shaming or intensity that's coming my way, when I can see over that what's right behind that is the little girl in you that that's hurt in some way, and if I can see that, I'm going to have a lot more empathy in that moment rather than trying to protect myself. And that's the biggest difference in moments of conflict is, yeah, when you're more embodied, when you're more in your heart, she seems less scary, and then you have more choice to choose how you want to be with her. And I wouldn't say that so with such certainty if it hadn't happened for me in my journey over the years. You know my woman's intense, but she seems less scary these days because of the work that I've done over over a long period of time.
Speaker 1:so that's, that's another I mean, that's really another way to look at the, the benefits of embodiment, particularly in conflict yeah, I've been told I seem scary often, often, and it is interesting because, well, not only am I, I'm a tiny woman, I'm five foot tall, but I don't feel like I'm being intimidating or scary, and so it's absolutely shocking to me when I'm in a conversation, especially with, like a large man. And it's either clear or verbalized.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's because your disappointment is kryptonite to us us men, not you personally, but yeah, it's kryptonite to us. It's very, very hard for us to deal with that, and that's the inner work that we need. It's part of the inner work that we need to do so that we can be more present, because you don't think you're scary. You're like I'm expressing my pain and all I need is for you to just to receive me. Like, why is this so hard, bub?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so this is where we don't see comfort me, comfort me, damn it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and often that's because you're in the energetics of what it feels like and then you're trying to express that we're in the information of it. So we're taking your words exactly as you say them and taking them as such, when those are two different languages. And I always tell men like please don't think that you've got to reconcile her emotions with facts, Like that's a dead end. You don't have to stay at that emotional level. It feels like she didn't say this is what it is. She says. It feels like and that's a big distinction that I try to get guys to make horses. It's hard, it's hard to do in the moment, but that's the work.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:By the way, Annette, my mom was five foot, so I got to, I got. She was a powerful woman too, so I got to smile when you said that.
Speaker 1:I'm always like people see me, they think one thing then.
Speaker 2:I start talking and they're like, oh boy.
Speaker 1:So yeah, a little fireball sometimes.
Speaker 2:It's more fun that way, I think I'm lots of fun.
Speaker 1:So then the second aspect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we just talked about respond versus react, about getting more ground. That's the first element. Now the second element is provide structure, and this is a quality of a man who he, first of all, he's got inner clarity about what he, what he needs, what he wants, what he prefers, what his boundaries are and what he thinks the moment calls for. It's not just about him. You've got to get that inner clarity first. You've got to check in with yourself first, and a lot of guys skip over that, and that's kind of the nice guy syndrome that we all know about is prevalent. The nice guy has his radar out. He's looking for the safe paths to make sure he doesn't offend anybody. He's not looking at what he wants, he's looking at what will be safe with everybody else, and then he tries to weave that path because his radar is outward. Well, I want men to turn it inward, at least momentarily, and we don't want them to become narcissistic assholes. That's not what we're after here. But most guys are indexing more towards the nice guy these days than like narcissist although there's plenty of narcissists out there. So you check in with yourself first. That's step one, and then step two is attunement, and it's in the context, in the bubble of a couple. It's like attuning to your partner too. So it's not just what you think.
Speaker 2:First you get your own clarity and then attune to her. You got to know your woman really well, know her over the years and know her in this moment, because the state can change so rapidly, as you know, and you're attuned to her. So you're you already kind of know what her preferences, needs, what her boundaries are. You fold that into your clarity, into your leadership, so that when you then do the external expression of your inner clarity, you're already much more in line with kind of her core needs. Now it doesn't mean you do it, just do what she thinks she wants.
Speaker 2:That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about her core needs and if you've already folded that in, you're going to be, you know, on average much more successful in having her go. Okay, cool, I can go on your ride here. I'll follow your lead on this thing that you're expressing because you know her so well and you're folding that in. And then, once you have that clarity and you externally express it in the world as direction, decisiveness, structure about how we might do something, and you become more of an ordering force in the world around you.
Speaker 2:Now, this does not mean you tell everybody what to do. We're not talking about control. I always tell guys you offer your leadership as an invitation, and today's strong woman will make her choice whether she wants to follow your lead, and if it's a good lead, she probably will. If you've had a shitty lead over time, she probably doesn't trust you, and but both of those cases are really on you as the guy to master that that quality of leadership, you as the guy to master that quality of leadership, and so that's in general.
Speaker 1:That's what create safety looks like underneath, right?
Speaker 1:You know, and I'm just going to be really honest with you, I struggled, as I was kind of like reading through your material and getting to know your approach, I think for women I know for women we're in this really dicey place right now.
Speaker 1:Right, we're striving for equality in the conversation about toxic masculinity and I know it's brought up in your book and in your materials a lot like masculinity in and of itself is absolutely not toxic.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, in our society there has been sort of a prevalence that has come from like you know where we came from and where we're headed, and so when you talk about men leading in relationship, I really want to like dig down into that, because I think, from what I can tell from your you know reading your material, that, because I think, from what I can tell from your you know reading your material, watching videos, talking to you, now it doesn't sound like what you're advocating for is and even like some of your language are like my woman, like that could be taken as like possessive. At the same time, when I am in relationship with a guy I'm into and he's like you're my woman, I'm like let's go bang right, like it turns me on, but it's that you know, dance between hey, there are things about this that are sexy, and then there are things that trigger me because I'm like I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to be abused.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be taken in a direction where I end up getting hurt, and most women I would venture to say 90% and up have experienced some sort of abuse, whether emotional or physical or sexual, at the hands of a man.
Speaker 1:And so we're trying to navigate, like where can that be safe for us? Because I do agree that and I'm talking very specifically I mean you and I right now are talking about very heterosexual kind of man-woman relationship, though I would argue and maybe at a later time we discuss how these things also can exist in all gendered relationships. How do you explain this in a way that makes me feel safe? Because, I'll say this I have a very strong personality. I'm dominant in a lot of areas of my life.
Speaker 1:And I do crave in relationship to sometimes like I obviously want my way to a certain extent, but there are times where I'm just like, dude, just take the wheel, I'll take it if you need me to. And I think there has to be that give and take Sometimes in relationship I'll need to do that. But can you talk about that a little bit?
Speaker 2:The fact is that we are in a, we're in dangerous territory. There is no getting around it. If we're going to talk about it, we're going to have to walk through the, the, the, the minds that are out there, and I, I can't, I don't know of any way to not be in the in this domain and and uh, and to talk about it but not bump up against the harms that have been committed. Um, I do try to weave it in in a lot of ways myself, because we can't get away, we can't get out of proximity to these issues. So let's, how do we talk about in a way that guys understand that we're not talking about rolling the tape back to the 1950s.
Speaker 2:Number one invitation rather than control. That's a key, core theme about leadership that I want guys to understand. This is not about you just saying, okay, this is what we're doing, kind of as a blanket rule, because you're the man. That means nothing. So invitation versus control is a theme that I constantly reinforce with the guys.
Speaker 2:And here's the hardest part to explain. It's what we're trying to do is meld the dark and the light. So let's just talk about those two. You know, the light is the care, the nurturance, the love, and you want it. You have to bring that. I mean, women are craving that, everybody's craving that in their partner, somebody who's got the light and those qualities. But by itself, we all know that's going to get boring in most cases. In most cases, that's going to get boring. Now the dark we all know that's going to get boring in most cases. In most cases, that's going to get boring. Now the dark we know where that's taken us. We don't need to even explain it. 90% of women have experienced the dark some kind of misogyny or abuse, outright abuse. So we know the dark is there, and if we're not careful, men could really misinterpret that.
Speaker 2:And so another core theme that I'm constantly talking about with guys is you got to meld the dark and light. You got to bring. Well, actually I shouldn't say you've got to. You may choose to bring some more darkness, but it has to be governed by the light, and so you could. You could have a playful power dynamics in your sexuality, but it's got to be with a lot of attunement and sure as hell it's consent mean, that's. That's just the table stakes for the whole thing. So I guess what I talk a lot about is do not think, don't even think about bringing the dark unless you really are able to have it governed by the light. And that's um, that's another core theme that I that I talk about so much with guys.
Speaker 2:And then you know, the other piece of this, that this that I want to remind people is it's like and I said this before we, I think, started recording the context here is, for me, it's men in relationship. I'm talking to men in relationship. I'm not really talking to men dating, at least not with this stuff, because it's too new. I'm talking about an established relationship and then both sides have really bought into like, hey, we want a construct where I'm going to choose to be in my masculine and at times of intimacy, you're going to choose to be in your feminine, and now we're going to play with those dynamics and how do we master direction and surrender and play with that about? This is relevant, I think, and it's not about just how you hook up in your dating life and things like that. So you know, those are some of the things that come up for me.
Speaker 1:It seems like you did acknowledge there that both genders have masculine and feminine energies within themselves. I mean I feel like that's an obvious, but there are a lot of. I mean I feel like that's an obvious, but there are a lot of especially bro alpha dog podcasters out there that are very much like men are masculine, women are like oh, no, that's not.
Speaker 1:And it doesn't sound to me like that's what you're advocating or saying at all, but in this case, men are choosing to want to be more in their masculine energy. To harness that, if you will. Is there a place and you definitely acknowledged that women can choose to be in their feminine as well, as I mean, we didn't talk about the masculine, talk about the masculine but is there a place, in sort of your view and and your approach, where there's a time that a guy can be like more in his? Is there a place for the feminine or the masculine and the woman to come in and like have its moment?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I. I. One of the things I say in the syntax is important here when I talk to guys is um, it's not about you being the leader, because that that suggests there's one leader. I'm just saying bring more leadership into your relationship, and so that's a very fluid thing and and there's times when guys, when she's going to lead, there's times when he's going to lead my, my, the the problem out in the world solving is the guy who never brings any leadership, or rarely, because he just he's like he's has the radar out and he's being the nice guy. And that's really what I'm after is the guy I'm like. To that man, I'm saying you need to bring more leadership, um, but I'm not saying you need to be the leader. There isn't, there isn't one leader and um, I think that's an important thing to remember.
Speaker 2:I think the other is that david data said it well, he says it in in his you know the way of the superior man he's like we're talking about in times of intimacy, like the rest of your life, you probably both are getting shit done. That's just how the modern world is like both the man and the woman are out getting whatever it is, their shit. They're getting their shit done. And so what david's talking about he says we're talking about in time, in moments of intimacy, where you choose to have some polarity, and so we've got to.
Speaker 2:I think we've got to keep the focus on the, on the times of intimacy, because that's what we're talking about here in general. It doesn't mean you can't lead in the logistical life. It just means you're both going to probably bring in different kinds of leadership into the, into the logistical life, and it's helpful for, I think, men and women to know, like it's helpful for a guy I can say, to know when my woman's in her masculine energy, I mean when she comes out of her work and you know she's kind of still in that mode. I know that and so I make the choice how am I going to transition her into her feminine energy so we can go have fun and play with polarity?
Speaker 1:How do you do that? I want to know how you do that. I want to know how you do that.
Speaker 2:One of the easiest ways is I go and I turn the bath on and I say I drew you a bath. I'm going to go make us a drink. You know, come out in 20 minutes and enjoy the bath I am going to hand that over on a card to the next guy I date.
Speaker 1:Hey, hey, feel free to do this anytime.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you got to trans. This is how I look at it. I want to transition her out of her mind into her body. Not that she's mindless, that's not what we're saying but you know she's thinking about 100 things, not only work, but the bills and the dishes, and you know this as well as as anybody. You guys have that ability to multitask way better than we do in in many cases. So you got 14 things on your mind. So how can I, how can I transition her out of kind of her thinking mind into more of her body and more of a relaxed state? And I don't always do that, but when, when we want to go into more intimacy physical or emotional that's what I would do to get her out of that mode.
Speaker 1:Would you say that when not even you're in conflict? There are those times when you're in a relationship and you come together and it's just I don't want to say crusty, but it's like dicey for some reason or other energetically. I don't want to say crusty, but it's like dicey for some reason or other energetically, like there's this grinding of gears and you can't quite like connect. And you're like why, Like I've been dying to see you all day, Now we're in the same room, and like it just isn't happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Would you say that that is a little bit of this being in sort of energetic.
Speaker 2:It could be. It could be that maybe both people are kind of in their masculine energy and haven't come out. So there definitely could be that it could be there's a withhold, like there's some kind of withhold on either side, and so if my sense was that was the case, maybe I would invite my woman and do a withhold exercise where we both share something. Or if I know it's me, then I'll just share it, okay. And then if you're like I have no idea why this feels crusty, maybe it's like you just breathe, you just one of you invites the other to breathe and sit in eye contact for three minutes. Maybe it's that Like no words, you know it's.
Speaker 2:It's easier to fall in love, back in love with an eyeball sometimes than it is the person when it gets crusty like that, and so maybe it's a somatic practice. And then maybe after three minutes you put your hand on each other's heart and I, and then you're in eye contact and I don't know what's going on, but I'm just here and I'm just with you. That kind of stuff works, because if you're like my brain can't figure out what's wrong here, well then quit trying to have the brain figure it out, go to the somatic and just leave the cognitive out for now. And sometimes the truth arises, or maybe I wouldn't say the truth. Sometimes the connection can just arise of its own accord, without you trying to figure it out, and I think that's the problem with a lot of guys. Is God, we want to figure stuff out and, and you know like, have a mental solution for this, and it's not always the the source of, of the solution.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's what comes up for me. It sounds to me like you're talking about, like, emotional availability and, uh, vulnerability the ability to like allow for vulnerability on both.
Speaker 2:yeah yeah, especially in that, in the one relative to the, to the withholds, yeah, being vulnerable and it's like you know, when you, when you said that joke last night at the dinner party, like I mean I don't want to be a wuss, but it kind of hurt my feelings, baby, you know, like that kind of vulnerability and and I've looked, I've been in situations where I had to withhold and I can. I can remember at least two of them distinctly. You're like I couldn't even get an erection with her and then she thankfully she's, she's very sensitive and observant and she was like hey, what's wrong? And then I shared and then you know it was, it was like Whoa, like that's amazing.
Speaker 2:And sometimes that's what's you know for men in terms of sexual function. Sometimes it's that they're just, they have a withhold, that, because we're guys, we're like I'm fine, I can handle this, but well, your dick is not getting hard. So I think there's a problem. You might want to address this. And then suddenly, when you reveal, suddenly you know you're back to normal and it's a real thing I can say yeah, so you can use like the dick as a thermometer if you will.
Speaker 1:I love that. Though I think there is this thing we don't talk about. In all the podcasts I've done and I have addressed so many penis problems and erection problems, and it's like there's a staying away from the fact that sometimes, you know, sometimes it really is that something is going on in the relationship. Sometimes it really is the woman not meaning she's unattractive or anything, but that whatever's going on in that relationship has really just caused there to be a blockage that allows for excitement, and I know it's the same for women. We I mean I think we make that clear If we're not feeling into it, it's because there's something we're unhappy, but we can hide it because we can just throw a lube on and go right, you guys don't. Actually it doesn't stop things as much unless we say not in the mood, but physically it doesn't stop things.
Speaker 2:So that's interesting.
Speaker 1:That's interesting to me and I love that you acknowledge that, because maybe we need to start talking about like that. Problems or issues in a relationship or lack of ability to actually connect and be vulnerable can stunt sex and make sex way worse.
Speaker 2:Connected sex is the best. Yeah, let's just, let's really entice your listeners. But you know the male listeners. It was like I mean, I mean this is a little bit like transactional, it sounds like. But a lot of you guys are out there complaining about the symptom we're not having enough sex. And they want to complain to their woman, like why aren't we having more sex? And it's like well, like well, duh, it's because the emotional connection's not there. And and so, like man, if if you're really suffering from not enough sexuality which we do we don't feel loved when there's not enough sex, so it hits us at a very primal level. You got to feed her primal need, which is the emotional connection. They're hand in hand, they're symbiotic. One is not more important than the other, but you kind of need both, on both sides, to then have that full on intimate connection between the two. And so hopefully that's motivation for the guys to pay attention to the emotional connection first.
Speaker 1:Right, I love that, all right. So I feel like we've kind of discussed the leadership part of that. That's something I really needed to get clear on to feel good about this conversation and it makes sense to me and I do think, like when I look at my own past relationships with men, that things that have been a turnoff and hugely problematic, which I think so far, and the two things we've discussed, a wishy-washiness to me is like a no-go.
Speaker 1:It's just a hard no-go for me and I have been in ongoing relationships with men who couldn't get clear and my new rule in dating and I'm single right now and just diving back into the pool of dating is their lack of clarity is my clarity period. Like it's just, it's not where I'm at because I'm super clear right, yeah.
Speaker 2:So what's the? What are they? What are they lacking clarity about, like their intentions with you, or is it just even where you want to go to dinner and little things like that, or everything?
Speaker 1:you know, I need to really learn how to verbalize this, because I have come run into this a lot, like, usually, initially there'll be this clarity, this like chase aspect, this you know. But then when we kind of get down to the nuts and bolts and I'm like are you want to tie me down? Let's talk about what that looks like. Like, you know, because I like, I think commitment is really serious and when I commit to, I don't care if it's a friendship, but let's talk about romance, like I'm all in, like I've got your back, I'm in 100% and I'm going to give my all. And I think that's where then, oftentimes with men, then they're kind of like oh, I got her. And then it's like oh, but how much am I able to show up? Do I want to show up? What does that look like? That look like. And you know, I believe there can be this window of trying to figure out how are we moving forward together?
Speaker 2:It's a big deal at.
Speaker 1:You know, at our age we're not babies anymore. You know, we've got different lives. You got to figure out how to meld. But that window for me, I don't have years to throw out and play around and figure things out right, and so you'll get this hot and cold. I want to do this but I don't know how and I'm figuring it out and, um, that for me is like you know, I, if I want something, I figure it out.
Speaker 1:Right Uh so that kind of thing happens a lot. Or you know, out in public when you're starting to date someone like they'll, either they'll be really affectionate, but then if someone else cute walks by, they're like, well, I don't want to look at that, you know those and that happens with men a lot. That's very common. You'll hear women talk about that all the time, men trying to. They're like I want this. This is a pretty good find, but what about this? And for me, like I'm, just like I'm, you know.
Speaker 2:I love that rule. I love that rule around. I need a man with clarity. I think is what I hear you say I need a man with clarity. So like hey you're, hey you know, and it's listeners, listen to that Clarity is sexy as fuck.
Speaker 1:It is so sexy it is and it's a turn on because it makes me feel desired and desire women when we feel desired. That is a huge turn on.
Speaker 2:we when we feel desired.
Speaker 1:we want to have sex, by the way, like a lot of sex in all the ways, at least I do, um, so that is a big thing, you know.
Speaker 1:And something else you've talked about that I think we're going to dive into more is this idea of providing security. And I don't think that's a one-sided thing. I think true security comes from both people in the relationship. But, interestingly enough, as much as you hear men out there saying like I'm going to keep her safe and I'm the man and this, when men get into relationship like very rarely do women need some man to come and save them, like throw them over the shoulder and save, you know, from the bad guy.
Speaker 1:What we want is security in a relationship so we can relax into it and let go and unfold and have fun. And I don't think, at least in my experience and what I'm hearing from other women, that men actually know how to provide true security in that relationship. And what that means to me because this is a must for me in dating again is I have to feel secure in the relationship. I will not allow myself to stay in a place that I don't feel emotionally secure least that I don't feel emotionally secure and for me that means knowing that I can be my full, authentic self, which sometimes is, you know, big personality, sometimes you know, vulnerable all of these things and that you're there for all of it.
Speaker 1:And dig it and I can be messy sometimes. Dig it, and I can be messy sometimes, and I can be, you know. And in response, I'm going to be there for you as well, in your full, authentic self.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's such a challenge for men and we touched on this earlier but there's such a challenge for men of seeing your expression when it's really big, whether is this threat or is this just a natural, safe expression that comes from the feminine. Yeah, it's really big. Whether is this threat or is this just a natural, safe expression that comes from the feminine? Yeah, it's bigger and maybe a little scarier than that I might do as a man, but is it, is it natural? Is it? Is it safe? And so we're constantly in like, is this safe or is this unsafe? I mean, we do it too, and that's what we want to get men to see is like this no, no, it's. It's big, it's loud, but this is what's, this is what it is.
Speaker 2:It's natural that and it doesn't always mean that she is chronically disappointed in you or hates you or, you know, wants to break up with you all the things that go through our mind when a woman's upset with us we have to see your expression as less of a threat and more as something we can master, and that's part of what I'm trying to teach guys to become that magician that can really kind of. I mean, this is, this is literally my hands, you know, or figuratively, you know. It's like you can be the magician that can shape these situations and make space for your natural expression, even when it's big and a little scary. We want, we want guys to have those, those relational skills to be able to do that. So it's, how do I interpret it? And then, how do I interact with the moment when there's emotional intensity in the air? And that's what men need to, that's what we need to master or at least get a little better at.
Speaker 1:So you think it's when emotional intensity shows up from women that men get scared?
Speaker 2:That's yes. Yeah, not in all cases, but we're talking about generalities here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's scary to us. We don't want to be wrong, bad or disappointed, just, and we, you know, we all know that in many cases it comes from our father or our mother being disappointed in us as a kid and we we felt so unworthy when they showed disappointment. Well, unfortunately that gets frozen in time and comes into our forties and fifties and we still do that in relationships. Sometimes we hear that whiff of disappointment and we can't tolerate it. And I say to guys you know what? Just tolerate being the bad guy Sometimes. It's okay, you're going to be the bad guy, and guess what? Tomorrow you won't be.
Speaker 2:Now, if you act like an asshole consistently, then it's going to be more chronic. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you know, generally you're a good man, you're pretty good in relationship and today she's super pissed off at you. It's okay, guys, it's okay to be the bad guy once in a while. You don't have to scramble to get all defensive to change her mind about being upset. Sometimes you can just roll with it, and that's part of the first step. And then, once you let go of these huge stakes that you've manufactured in your mind, then it gets a lot easier to then be more choiceful about how you're going to be moment to moment.
Speaker 1:So this is the kind of stuff I'm working with guys on all the time yeah, yeah, and we're all bad guys sometimes you know, I mean we're and the point is to find a partner that you want to be in your humanness with Right, and we're going to love each other regardless. We just have to figure out that dynamic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the flip side. I want to because I don't want this to come across as like it's the guy's responsibility to handle and manage the moment, like no, it's 50 50. I just talk about the guy's part to handle and manage the moment. Like no, it's 50-50. I just talk about the guy's part. But a lot of women do reach out and one of the things they'll ask me is okay, what should I be doing? What do men need? And I say the same thing over and over.
Speaker 2:It seems like it always comes down to this Just give us the cleanest expression of your heart and what that means is look, I know it's scary, and you had a history maybe, of other men treating you like this. It could have started with your father, your brother, past boyfriends, whatever it was. Sometimes a little blaming and shaming and toxicity sneaks into these expressions. We all know it happens. The more you can leave out of that and the cleaner the expression, the better equipped the man will be to to handle it. So if you feel upset, you know, don't blame it on him, just share that.
Speaker 2:You feel really upset about what some objective thing that happened. When you said x, I like I felt so hurt, um, and don't add in the you always and you never, and fucking asshole and what the fuck. You know, just like the punishing part of that. When we get hurt, we want to punish others. It's kind of our base of one of our basest reactions, which is not good. But if you can strip that out and just say I'm hurting I don't mean that those are the exact words, but that's, it's the cleanest expression You're going to drastically increase the chances that the man's nervous system can handle it and he can be there for you. So that's that's how I answered that question almost almost every time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's definitely not all on, uh, men I think I think women right now are trying to figure out how to be in relationship with men while still maintaining their autonomy that they've worked so hard for, and also now we are doing so. Men in the past but also still have been told your job is to go get the job, bring home the money, take care of the house all of that, which is totally outdated, and so a lot of their self-esteem and ego is based on being able to do those things. But if a woman is able to do that themselves as well plus, we are groomed right and taught how to be the emotional caregivers, but the men haven't learned any of that then we feel like, oh, we're also doing those things and we're doing the emotional stuff, and we're like why would we do all of that work if you know it doesn't make?
Speaker 1:a lot of sense and it does sound like what you're doing is giving kind of men a comfortable way to access and provide the emotional side of it without feeling like, oh, I've got to abandon my masculinity to do so Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, yeah, I'm teaching. I mean, when I teach leadership, the domains we talk about are the logistical domain of life. Bring your leadership. The sexual domain of your life, you can bring more leadership. In the emotional domain of life, you can bring more leadership, and so that's exactly what you were just talking about. Yeah, guys, you can lead emotionally as well. You don't have to leave it. You don't have to leave it all to her.
Speaker 1:What does that look like? Please do tell.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well, it can look like a lot of things. I'll give you maybe an example. Like you wake up in the morning and you roll over and you look at your partner, the you is the guys and the guy says you know, babe, we, we had that little dust up last night and we talked about it. But I don't know if we were, I don't know if we entirely cleaned it up. Let's, let's, let's talk about it right now. You know, just, I just want to feel like we can let this one go, and I don't know if we're there yet. Like, how are you feeling after that discussion last night?
Speaker 2:Like you, I call it going back into the burning building, that's a. I can tell you it's the last thing when you're upset with us and it's like this, and then it comes down to here and it kind of seems quiet. We're like, okay, great, I think she's, I think she's forgotten about it, which cause she's not saying anything the next day. Well, yeah, exactly, of course she's not forgotten about it. So as a guy, the last thing you want to do is open that can of worms again and have her be as upset as she was last night. But that's kind of what you need to do. You need to go back into the burning building and address what happened and clean it up. So that's one example of emotional leadership that I would suggest for guys.
Speaker 1:I love that. I love that because I think on, at least speaking for myself and again, the conversations that women are having. It's like we feel like that's our job and most of the time we're too tired to do it, so it's called sweeping it under the rug, which is such a terrible thing to do you cannot you cannot do that. That stuff will come right back up in the next argument.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, yeah, it'll just. It come right back up in the next argument. Oh, yeah, yeah, it'll just. It'll be resentment that sits in the background and leaks out and then it's really.
Speaker 2:Then it turns into everything. Neither people, neither of the two people wanted their relationship, which is more frozenness and kind of shut down and just coping getting by day to day. I feel we feel like when you, when you, when you have so much disappointment about these things that don't get resolved and you start to shut down, that's when you start to feel like roommates because you have to cut off that really vulnerable emotional side and just kind of be. But then it feels like roommates, you're not having any sex or intimacy and then both people are bored.
Speaker 1:Well and I love how you framed it to going back into the burning building, but doing it from a place of curiosity, like the way that you verbalized it. It wasn't like an aggressive, it's very much like curious, like how are you feeling about that? Did we take care of it Like is there anything we can do, you know, can we talk about it right now over coffee and bed, which is my favorite thing. You know, and I think that's great for a man to do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like let's just be brave enough to put things on the table and say well, what do you see? You know, it's like a medical examination. You put the patient on the table and you examine. In this case, it's the relationship dynamic that you put on the table and both of you just look at it, and you'd be big boys and big girls enough to be able to do that together.
Speaker 1:All right, let enough to be able to do that together. All right, let's talk about leadership in bed.
Speaker 2:I mean you brought it up, so I love how great your face got when you started.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean because I do think in relationships a lot of times women do you know we crave. You know the guy stepping up and being that sort of stereotypical type of dominant guy you see in the movies in the bedroom, and that is a lot of pressure to put on a guy who maybe that's not how his sexuality comes out or maybe he doesn't knowing how to say no. It could be kind of scary for men, Like how do I do that? How do I lead in the bedroom?
Speaker 1:I would love to hear your advice in that area.
Speaker 2:It's very tricky territory because, like, how do you kind of be proactive and lead without like asking for permission for every little thing and yet live in this world that is starting to now acknowledge consent more as a baseline?
Speaker 2:And the biggest word that comes to mind is attunement. You have to be super attuned to your woman and I don't care if you're in a long relationship or not. You can do some shit that will scare her because she's not, and I've done that. I remember my woman and I were on vacation. We're in a cabin massaging her back and I was gonna, I was gonna, I wanted to roll her over and sometimes we just communicate, especially in that domain, without words, so it's very normal for us to, for just to move her body, and then I tried to lift her, flip her over, and she was resisting, but I I guess I didn't pick up on the signal, you know, and I tried again and she kind of had a real like ouch, like whoa, you know, like that scared me because it felt, it felt like you were forcing me and of course I was coming with very innocent intentions, but it came off like that and so, yeah, we had a little misconnected. It wasn't that big a deal, but she definitely her nervous system jolted. So you can scare your woman in relationship if you're not attuned to her again over time and in this moment. So I think, if you want to.
Speaker 2:So, men, there's a number of aspects to this, but the one relative to like how do I lead but not become a abuser? Relative to like, how do I lead but not become a abuser? Um, noticing, noticing, noticing how she's responding to what you're doing. Um, knowing, knowing where her like hot buttons are. Like, for instance, you know, like for me, my woman's, if I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder and take her into the bedroom, that's not a hot button for her. She's going to, and sometimes she'll love that. If she's not in the mood, she'll let me know. It won't be a big deal.
Speaker 2:But if I were to, like, start some dirty talk and like, call her a slut, she does not like that word. She does not like that word and some women might, but I know she sure as hell doesn't, and so I need to know that. That's my attunement. I know not to do unexpected things in the realms of her boundaries and her hot buttons. So I know her. I, you know I don't know them all, but I know her hot buttons, I know some of her boundaries and I know some places where she's super permissive with me and so it's comes through knowing her.
Speaker 2:Now I know where I can kind of come in unexpectedly and proactively. For, for instance, now I know where I can kind of come in unexpectedly and proactively, for instance. So again, picking her up and throwing over my shoulder is just rarely going to get me, you know, make, get me in trouble with her or make her upset. So attunement is a big part of this. Like, if you want to, if you want to take the lead and not ask for permission for every little thing, just be really attuned to her. So that's, that's one piece of this. I'll pause there for a second, but that's one piece that comes up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, men need to learn how to to read our body cues. It was funny I was interviewing someone earlier about how. So, for instance, when, oftentimes, when men are going down on us or using their hands, like and they're in the wrong spot, we'll like shift our hips like go, go, go to the left man.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're doing over on my thigh there, but it's to the left and I and I am consistently shocked at how not responsive they are to what I feel like are pretty strong physical cues, which then keep me from having to say hey, hey, buddy, which you know. I think that, though oftentimes men say they want you to tell them what feels good and what doesn't, when you correct them in bed it can really like yeah that's.
Speaker 2:That's another part of leadership, because if you're going to, if you're going to take your woman to her sexual edge, like you're going to, it's going to go off the rails sometimes, and so part of leading in sexuality, which is a tricky place, is exactly what you said it's being open to the corrections without getting all butthurt about it. It doesn't mean you're a bad lover or she's not enjoying it. She's just trying to guide you to her pleasure. And I'm teaching guys like guys you want this. She's telling you exactly how to turn her pleasure. And I'm teaching guys like guys you want this. She's telling you exactly how to turn her on, like, isn't this what you want? Why are you getting all butthurt? And for the guy that's like well, yeah, but it's constant, she's always correcting me. Well, I'd say then, maybe, okay, maybe she's persnickety, maybe, or maybe you're not catching on and you keep doing it the wrong way and you're not learning your woman's body.
Speaker 2:So it's another part of leadership is you got to have practice. It can't be all the games, so to speak. So I remember many years ago and I was trying to become a better, better at oral sex on her. So we do pussy workshops. I love this? Yeah, we're not. It's not like game time, so it's the norm, is it's okay? How does that feel? Well, do you like this? Oh, over here, and she would be no, no, you got to do it like have practice, not just games, because when you try to do everything game time, the stakes are a little too high, because, as guys, all we want to do is we want to please you, we want to be competent as lovers, so sometimes we're less open to that, and so that's another thing. If you want more sexual leadership, know her body and pussy.
Speaker 1:Workshops, as an example, are a great way to to do that I love the idea of practice time where you're like, okay, this isn't like we're not building the mood, but we're just like getting to know each other, which can be more in the sort of like fun we can laugh. We're not working on building like sensuality and like our sexiest selves. There's a place for that in intimacy and relationship. And I that is actually something I haven't heard people talk talk about like really just practicing, meaning no orgasm has to come yeah, and and the stakes are low.
Speaker 1:So that, because I am someone who, definitely, if I'm in bed with anybody but a man, and in the moment they're, they're like how do you want it Like? How does it, do you like it hard, do you like it? And I, I, it is such a turnoff and not, I get like, I'm like thank you for caring, but I, then I have to go, hmm, how do I want it, do I like it Like? And now I'm just annoyed with you.
Speaker 1:I don't want it at all, and you know, because I'm thinking critically you know I always tell people if you're going to ask questions, make it yes or no. I don't like ask for sentences, but by doing this practice then then they already have their answers so they don't have to ask as many when you're in the moment right, you don't.
Speaker 2:There's no time to stop in a game. There's no time to stop and do some coaching. I mean, I'm speaking figuratively here. So that's why you want these practice sessions. I mean, the idea really came from tango, because I try to tango and they have malangas, which is the actual kind of place where people get together to dance and then there's practicas where you can work on the move. You learned, maybe you know, that day in the lesson and there's space for it. So, yeah, creating that kind of space can be powerful for a relationship. And then it gives the guy the confidence like now, yeah, now I know how to lick her pussy and so now I can throw her over my shoulder, take her to the bedroom, rip her pants off and devour her pussy with confidence. So it can be huge for a guy that wants to leave more in the bedroom.
Speaker 1:Right, that sounds like you're familiar with that process of events. Here's a good question that came up as I was listening to you. I am, I'm a switch, but I have a very like a big personality. It can be very dominating and across my life I've really struggled with you know. I'll even meet a guy and I'm like you're going to be able to take the lead in the bedroom Like this is it? You're the guy, get to the bedroom and it can be really hard for a man with someone you know, because it's not like all of a sudden I turn into this like you know, meek, passive, submissive person. I mean I can fake it and I will fake it if I need to. That more dominant partnered experience with my man.
Speaker 1:Should I find one again? But I'm not just going to like I'm never, just going to be able to easily, or maybe maybe I shouldn't say never. I said that about a lot of things and I've done a lot of things, but you know, it's not natural for me to just suddenly drop into that part of myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, have you ever had a man who was able to evoke that in you?
Speaker 1:That's a good question, I think, without me like having to manually switch, a little like now. I don't know that I've ever flowed easily, but I've definitely had tastes of the experience. I think I've always fallen short of my dream, and maybe that dream isn't like real.
Speaker 2:I don't know but well, I think, yeah, I think you just need a man who embodies that, that dom energy. Uh, a little bit more. Yeah, for guys, I you got to embody a lot of directional energy. That's what I, that's what I talk about. It's like it's it's, it's an energetic. It's not just like what do I do next, but it's like there's like a it's a deep knowing that I'm going to lead this. No, I'm going to dance with her. So it's not. It's not just one sided where we just do whatever I want to do side where we just do whatever I want to do. I'm including her, but I'm going to drive the train for a little while here until I, maybe I, maybe I command her to take the take the lead on one small aspect of something I don't know. I mean, it could include that it could.
Speaker 2:That's fun too yeah, yeah, so it's, it's so. I'm intrigued. First of all, get them in the energetics of it, um, and it's like, how can you? This is exactly what we're going to do in the workshop, by the way.
Speaker 2:But how do you stand in front of your woman and like, for a lot of guys it's like, oh shit, what should I do? They're kind of in that, like I don't really know what to do. They're not totally clueless, but they, they kind of fumble through it rather than like I'm grounded, I'm feeling'm, we're in eye contact, I'm feeling my pleasure at seeing you and your beauty, maybe your naked body, and I can feel my own sexual desire. How much I want to devour you. Like, can you feel all that?
Speaker 2:And you have to develop that capacity. You have to create some spaciousness within you to be in front of your woman and then feel all that. And then from that spaciousness you have, you can, you can create your own clarity. What do I want to happen next, you know. And then maybe, maybe I want to see you lay on the on the bed, and so it's. It's not like you don't have to go all Christian gray about it. Maybe I take your wrist and slowly, without words pull you to the bed and I and I use my I don't force you, I just gently guide you. Maybe I look at you and say unbutton my top button or unbutton my shirt. You know, like I, I have the spaciousness to say what do I want to happen. I think I want her to unbutton my shirt and then, in a nice command voice, it's unbutton my shirt.
Speaker 1:And that's something so simple.
Speaker 2:That's so simple shirt and that's something so simple. That's so simple. Yeah, this is what I'm always telling guys Don't go for, like the big dom, whatever you have in your mind, some weird dom fantasy you've got in your mind Just start really in the powerful subtleties of this, which is knowing exactly what you want and commanding it in a very knowing way. And it can be, you know, unbutton my shirt. It could be. I want you to lay down on the bed. Or it could be wordlessly. Maybe I guide her, maybe I pin her wrist gently behind her sacrum and just move into her. And now I've constrained her and allow the two of you the space for her to relax into the fact that she's now restrained in a very subtle way, like these are all the powerful subtleties that you bring to the moment.
Speaker 1:I endorse that.
Speaker 2:Right on yeah.
Speaker 1:I think it's interesting because then in this conversation we keep circling back to men knowing what they want right. Know what you want to have happen and then lead in that direction, as long as it's within, obviously, again we've already talked about all of that. So, yeah, those are two of your core concepts are the getting grounded, which is knowing what you want, which gets rid of the lack of clarity which I just can't handle anymore. The security, providing security. That's such a big one, that's a huge one for me.
Speaker 1:It's like been one of my biggest revelations this year that you know, because I think, to be fair, I think most people go through life looking for partnership, being in partnership, without even knowing what is it I really want, what is it that really works for me or turns me on, or that you know, we just meet people and we're like, oh, they're sexy, they're turning me on in this moment, we make out with them and then suddenly we're in a relationship with them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's the beautiful thing about being in your one's forties is you kind of, you know, you start to like you. I don't know how old you are, but you finally realize, fuck these guys that don't have clarity, I don't have a moment for them, I'm out. If I really feel like this is a chronic trait in this guy, I'm wise enough to get out because I know he won't meet my needs and I think that's that's. It's a beautiful thing. The older we get, the more we know what our needs are. And then then, if we can speak those needs you know you. We talked earlier about how the feminine can, can, better communicate with the masculine. Yeah, it's, know your needs and speak them without any blaming, shaming, humbling, punishing, um, just speak your needs. I know what I need is I need a man with clarity, and I'm not feeling that in this relationship.
Speaker 1:How's that for you to hear? Oh, I like that. How's that for you to hear? Maybe I'll follow up with that. I'm going to put that one in my pocket because I'm pretty sure that's going to happen again. Um, do you feel like I think I hear less from women and I see less from women not knowing what they want? I feel like this is an era where more women are like I know what I want and where I hear from especially in the 40s, especially when we talk about 40s and up, that the men are more like there's lack of clarity on their end, there's confusion. Do you feel that that's true?
Speaker 2:You mean that men experience a lot of confusion?
Speaker 1:Especially when it comes to what they want, like knowing what they want, therefore leading.
Speaker 2:Whereas I feel like women.
Speaker 1:There's less of that aspect happening on our end, generally speaking. Less of that aspect happening on our end generally speaking.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you guys, it's part of the reason why women leave relationships, often before the men do. Men. You know she's walking out the door and he's like, wait a minute, what the hell just happened? Like I didn't even know we had a problem, because you guys are more in touch with your needs. So, yeah, I think we don't have a lot of sense of our needs and, unfortunately and I put myself in this category sadly but a lot of men need catastrophe to wake up to their own way of being and then their own needs and her needs as well, Like to even know that. Oh my God, my partner has core needs. I never paid attention to that until she walked out the door. That's what a lot of guys will say.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it's so true and it's sad, but we need catastrophe to wake us up sometimes yeah, that is sad because most of us don't want that anymore, especially once we're in our 40s. We really don't have time for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, exactly, you know, yeah, and I think that I'll repeat what I said the clearer that a woman can express her needs, the safer she can make him feel. Not coddling him like mommy, but just, you know, strip it of the extracurriculars, she's going to increase her chances. And if she does that really cleanly and he still doesn't respond, then you know, you know this is not I mean I can't say it anymore excessively for this man. You know I stripped out I mean I can't say it any more accessibly for this man you know I stripped out all the blaming and shaming and punishing and he didn't.
Speaker 1:He doesn't want to wake up to it Now, I know Right.
Speaker 2:And the vice versa goes to. You know, the same goes. Yeah, I say, if guys ask me a lot, like you know, should I stay in this relationship or should I just get divorced? And I said, look, man, you got to live the blueprint for about six months minimum and really be bringing it before you can even think about leaving. Because the truth is, half of the things that you don't like about her you're evoking, if not more than half, like your way of being is evoking that, and that's what guys don't realize. They don't realize that they actually have the power to evoke something different in their woman, and that's what I try to get them to see. Like you can evoke something very different in her. That's where guys are really powerful. We just don't realize.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to replay that over and over again. Oh, I love that you can evoke something different. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you really can. I'm a hundred percent believer in that, even when it doesn't seem like it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even when it's a strong-willed woman, you can evoke something different in her. I can be super sweet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, even fiery, little Annette, Even me.
Speaker 1:I'm a doll sometimes. All right, is there anything before we wrap this up? All right, is there anything before we wrap this up? Maybe give a little package of a guy listening to this, or a woman who wants to hand this off to her guy to listen. What's something he can start doing right now, tonight, to make a difference, as he runs out and gets your book or then goes to your website. What's?
Speaker 2:a little go bag of of tools. Yeah, I, I um. Well, I'm always saying daily practice, you know. So tonight, start do a um, a breathing practice, you know, and I'll get, I'll give them one right now. It's this, couldn't be more simple. It's just a breath, you know, in through the nose, out through the mouth, but between every inhale or exhale I want you to pause for a second and don't just start the breath kind of unconsciously, because you know that's the exercise. Pause and actually make one with your conscious mind. Okay, start, you know, go and then take the in-breath or start the exhale, and then you empty or go full, whichever one it is. Then you pause again and you say okay, okay, not yet All right now.
Speaker 2:And then inhale or exhale whatever. Whichever one you're on and what you're doing is pausing between each inhale and exhale and making a conscious choice to start again. Now, the reason that's important is because often we get in a fight or we're going on autopilot, we're not even thinking about what we're saying. She says something and she hasn't even finished and we're already saying, but no, no, no, that's not what I was talking about. You know, you're stumbling all over yourself. You're not even not even choosing what you're saying or how you're being or how you're gesturing. So you want to strengthen that muscle of pausing and choosing, with that pause between the inhale and the exhale and then the conscious choice to restart the breath. That's something that guys can start tonight.
Speaker 2:The other thing is observe yourself for one week while you're waiting for Amazon to ship the book. Observe yourself for one week how many times you defer to her and immediately ask her what she wants to do. Do rather than actually bringing something to the table and saying you know, babe, I really want to go to that sushi restaurant that just opened. I drive by it every night from coming home from work and I've always wanted to check it out. Are you game, rather than where do you want to go to dinner tonight, babe? You know, that's like even in the simple things like that. Notice where you immediately go to other rather than checking in with yourself and this is obviously a precursor to your leadership but just notice where you're immediately going elsewhere, for clarity rather than self-generating. Just observe yourself for a week and see what you find. Those would be the two things I'll put in their grab bag.
Speaker 1:I like that. It's a beginning of an embodiment practice and then a beginning of getting to know who you are in relationship a little bit. Yeah, that's perfect. Thank you so much for that. Uh, can you tell my listeners where all they can find you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, go to gsyoungbloodcom.
Speaker 2:That's got everything. Um workshops like, we have a workshop in in two weeks that we sold out so we don't need any more participants. But, um, I have one in Sayulita, mexico, at the end of January, which is a great city to go to, so I highly encourage people to check that out. That is actually going to be my first couples workshop, so we're going to bring down couples. You don't have to come with your woman, you can come as a single guy, but the guys will be together for two days and the women together and then we'll come together at the at the end, and I have female coaches that I work with.
Speaker 2:Um, the bootcamp I have a. It's a 12 week program for 12 men. It's an online program. It starts in January. Great experience you get. You get kind of my deepest teachings with a cohort of other men, which is a great way to do the work. And then you know a couple of different video courses, if you kind of like that self-guided way of doing things, and the video courses are really good. There's one on embodiment and one on relational masculinity. So those are the places you can find me and, of course, youtube and Instagram. You can find me on both of those and see lots of content from me.
Speaker 1:Perfect. Thank you so much, and thank you so much for joining me today and having this conversation.
Speaker 2:My pleasure. That was a lot of fun, Annette.
Speaker 1:It was, and for my listeners, I will see you in the lab.