5 Tips for Submissives in BDSM: Mastering Submission

It's Kinktober! If you are curious about the submissive experience in the D/S dynamic, you've been thinking about dipping your toes in the water of the D/S dynamic or you are a newbie to the experience then this episode is for you. I am sharing 5 tips that will help submissives lay the ground for a safe and fulfilling experience!

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:44

do the sex. Welcome to Masturbation Monday with me, annette Benedetti, your host for Locker Room Talk and Chats. This is your invitation to join me for coffee in bed and a candid conversation about the masturbation practice I'm developing to support my mental, physical and emotional health and help manifest my dreams. Masturbation Monday is a guide to self-pleasure, better sex and using the power of the pussy to open new doors to a better life. It is officially kinktober, so for today's Masturbation Monday topic, I want to focus on the submissive experience in the Dom sub dynamic. So today's Masturbation Monday topic is mastering submission Five tips every submissive should know as they enter a BDSM relationship with a Dom.

Speaker 1: 1:41

If you've been around for any time at all, you know that I have thoroughly covered the femdom dom perspective in the dom sub dynamic. I've had Russian dominatrix Lucian several times to talk about cocks in cages and the dominatrix experience, but I really haven't gotten into the submissive experience. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are curious about being submissives, who want to have that experience of handing over control, but maybe you don't know how to begin the journey to experiencing submission. Before you dive into being a submissive, there are some things you should know in order to keep yourself safe, to have a great experience and also provide a great experience for your DOM. So, whether you are just thinking about getting into the DOM sub dynamic as a sub, or you are already in the dynamic but you want to sharpen your skills, I've got five tips that will work as sort of guidelines for your experience and journey and hopefully help you have the most successful experience as a sub that's possible. So let's get ready to talk about kinky, kinky, submissive sex Cheers.

Speaker 1: 2:59

The very first and most important tip I'm going to give you is you need to know and be always actively learning your hard and soft limits. A soft limit is something that's a little bit more malleable, or you might have some wiggle room around or be willing to test the boundaries of, let's say, you are a submissive who doesn't like impact play. That includes floggers and your dom comes to you and they found a flogger that is made of softer material or more tickly material and you're willing to like give it a try at very light impact. It's not a limit where you're just setting the boundary. It's immovable. You don't want them to bring it up again. You're never going to be flexible on it A hard limit might be. I'm not interested in any sort of air restriction play. I don't want hands over my mouth and nose. I don't want to be choked. Anything like that is scary to me, it's not pleasant, it doesn't bring about arousal and it makes me feel unsafe.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Hard limit it's important for you to know what these are and within the BDSM experience, there is a suite of experiences and sensations that are available to you. So my advice in this area is to find a BDSM list of things that you could try with your DOM and to fill it out for yourself and also when you have a partner or a DOM with your DOM, so that your DOM is clear on your yes, nos and maybes. Again, there are also the yeses, the things you really want to experience. Understand that this list can change over time. It can evolve. You may have thought something was a hard no that over time you feel like can move into the soft no area. You may have thought something was a yes that you tried out and you're like it's a hard no. I never want it to happen again. But knowing your own boundaries and always exploring them for yourself is super important. It's important to making sure you have the experience you want. It's important to keeping you safe and it's important to your dom so that they know how to serve you best as a dom.

Speaker 1: 5:27

Number two, with any dom, you need to build trust. Trust is not something you should just freely give away. It's something you should build over time. So a way that you can go about this is starting out your experience with your dom with lighter scenes. So, for instance, in my own submissive journey, I never, ever start my dom sub experience with a dom where I am restrained. For me, I want to know that I am free to move, to leave a space if I need to. There's nothing stopping me from leaving. I need to know over time this person is safe enough to allow them to restrain me in a way that would restrict my ability to leave immediately, a situation that I'm not comfortable in. If you are into impact, it might be. I want to start with something softer only a hand. I don't want to get into like bamboo or more intense impact play until I know that my dom is going to respect my pain tolerance, my reds, yellows and greens, and then, over time, you can up the intensity of your experience. But start with a lighter scene. Make sure that the dom you are with respects your boundaries. Build that trust over time. You don't have to hand over the reins all at once. You want to make sure that you're going to stay safe and the person that you're with is safe.

Speaker 1: 7:01

Number three as a submissive, it's really important to embrace your strength. I know that it seems counter to the idea of being a submissive, but the submissive has a lot of control in the DOM sub dynamics. Submissives dictate when things stop what the boundaries are to some extent. I mean, doms also can have their own boundaries, but we're focusing on the submissive today. You are giving up control and there is so much strength in that. So an exercise I would suggest that you do all of the time to retain and build that empowered feeling is to keep a journal and reflect regularly on your experience afterwards. How did it feel? Is it something you want to do again? Understand that all of what happens is within your power to say yes or no too. So it's really important that you nurture the resilience and powerful feeling you have and that you recognize if that feeling of being empowered is being broken, because that might be a sign that something's going on in that dynamic. That's not healthy for you to continue, or that needs to be discussed in order to continue moving forward with your dom continue, or that needs to be discussed in order to continue moving forward with your dom.

Speaker 1: 8:29

Number four it's super important that subs stay self-aware. You need to be in touch with what your experience is and it can be really hard to sort of parse out what your experience was, what your feelings were, how you felt in a scene, because if you've ever been in a BDSM scene, you know that there is subspace, this place that you go to, this experience that you have, that can really blur the timeline of events, how you felt throughout the dynamic, and there is, in some ways, a loss of immediate self-awareness. So, again going back to this journal, after every scene, it's super important that you come back to yourself, that you spend time with yourself, that you reflect on how you felt, what you liked. Was there ever a time in the scene that you were in a space that you didn't like to be in? Staying self-aware is a big part of keeping yourself safe. Handing over control of a scene is not handing over control of your feelings, your experience or who you are in that dynamic. So stay self-aware, reflect after each scene. Be in yourself and reflect before you go into a scene and, as best as you can during your scene, try to be fully present for the experience. Self-awareness is key to safety. Bottom line self-awareness is key to safety. It is going to ensure that you are sticking to your boundaries, that you're not being moved past your boundaries, your boundaries aren't being tested in a way that's going to be harmful for you. It's also going to help you dictate how you want to move forward the new experiences you want to have, the curiosities that may pop up during a scene.

Speaker 1: 10:14

I think keeping a submissive journal is a great way to track all of this stuff, and getting to that journal as soon as you can after your scene or your experience with your dom is a good idea, because you can lose some of that information, especially when things have been just so heightened. In fact, you could ask to have that journal and self-reflection be part of your aftercare. In a scene After you've come down and you've done your cuddling, perhaps sitting with a journal with or without your dom there, and journaling about your experience can be part of that aftercare. It's just a thought. And that brings me to number five, which is every submissive should develop a sense of belonging, an aftercare routine.

Speaker 1: 11:00

Maybe when you first start your sub experience you don't know exactly what you need after a Dom sub scene, but it's really important that you explore, that you figure out what. Do you need to be held afterwards? Do you need some water and some food to kind of refuel and even yourself out? Do you want to be left alone with your journal to just journal your feelings? And this aftercare routine is something that can grow and change with time as well, or maybe different, depending on the kind of scene you have. Perhaps in an impact scene you want a warm towel to wrap yourself in. You want some tea to sip. You want to be held and told that you are loved, you are valued, you are cared for.

Speaker 1: 11:49

Perhaps you have a scene that's more role play and gets into an emotional control dom sub dynamic and afterwards you just kind of want to be in your own space and journal about what happened. Or maybe you need to sit afterwards with your dom and discuss your feelings and feel like your experience is heard and legitimized by them. It could be a number of things. Whatever that aftercare piece is, make sure that you're communicating it. Make sure it's being honored.

Speaker 1: 12:20

Finally, my bonus tip is this you should set up debriefing sessions with your dom. Having a dom, first of all, that wants to debrief with you after understand what your experience was, also wants to share what their experience was. It's a great way to keep building trust. It's important to have partners that you can sit down and you feel comfortable talking with and communicating with.

Speaker 1: 12:45

A successful and safe dom-sub dynamic requires good communication. The lack of ability to communicate with one another, hear one another, legitimize one another, is a great way to fast track yourself to an unsafe, unhealthy dynamic. So a good way to make sure that this is happening is to set up regular debriefing sessions. Yes, that can be part of your aftercare, but maybe right after an aftercare you're not ready to download all of the information. Your body and your emotions are sort of like swirling and maybe you need some time. And a better thing to do is, once a week, set up a time to come together when you're not actively engaging in a scene and talk about, like maybe, what you wrote down in your journal or how you're feeling after you've come down from your subspace experience.

Speaker 1: 13:41

Come down from your subspace experience. Communication in any sexual, intimate or physical relationship is so important. It is the best way to keep things healthy. It's the best way to optimize pleasure and satisfaction. It's the best way to grow your play experience into something that's enriching for your life. So, to sum it up, five tips for subs that are super important and will lay the ground for a successful dom sub dynamic are set clear boundaries, know your yeses, your nos and your maybes. If you're unclear on them, scroll down. I will have a link to a BDSM quiz for you so you can start kind of looking at them and figuring out what they are.

Speaker 1: 14:26

Number two build trust with your dominant. You don't have to give trust away right off the bat. It's something you can build through lighter play scenes to start with. Number three embrace your power. Being a sub does not mean giving up your power. In fact, as a sub, you have a lot of power. You in a way, call the shots. So embrace your strength and power, grow it, nurture it and have fun with it. Number four is stay self-aware. Being a sub does not mean self-abandonment. It means knowing yourself better all of the time, returning to yourself, understanding what your experience is. Is it good, is it bad? How do you want it to change? Remember we're going to go back to that being empowered place the fact that you do have a lot of strength and power and by staying self-aware, you are going to be able to make choices within your dynamic and drive that dynamic in the way you want it to go better. Finally, aftercare Make sure you're getting aftercare. Debrief with your partner, grow your relationship and if you follow these five tips, you're going to be well on your way to having an amazing submissive experience.

Speaker 1: 15:41

So, for all of my newbie subs out there, my curious vanilla folks who have been playing with the idea of being a sub, or subs out there who have a lot of experience and maybe wanted a refresh, I hope that these tips help you. If you want to add to the conversation, please do so. If you are on my YouTube channel, scroll down and leave a comment below If you have a question. I would love to get your submissive questions answered this month, during Kinktober and, of course, beyond. So get ready to get kinky this month If you are excited about finding out more about the Dom sub dynamic.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Tomorrow, depending on when you are watching or listening to this episode, I will be interviewing a woman who went from being your everyday mom to being a hardcore submissive in an intense dom-sub relationship. She tells us all about it, her experience, how she got there and what it's like. If you have any questions, comments, stories to tell, feel free to contact me. You can email me at Annette at TalkSucksWithAnnettecom. You can scroll down and leave a message on my speak pipe. The link is below. You can drop a comment on my YouTube channel under this video. Or an intimacy coach or, you'd like, a wing woman in your intimate life who can provide some encouragement and guidance so that you can experience the most pleasure that's possible in your own personal intimate life. I have openings in my books right now. You can find out more about that at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. Feel free to contact me directly as well. So welcome to Kinktober. I'm excited about this month. Let's get kinky. Till next time I'll see you in the locker room.