I Attended The Biggest Lesbian Festival. Here's What I Learned

For the last 3 years, I've been sharing my personal journey as a Bisexual woman. And this year, I decided to embark on my biggest queer women's adventure yet, with my besties including regular guest Deanna/Ruby. In this episode, we tell all. Here's what happened at the Dinah!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Queer Women's Culture and Experience
• 11:32 Exploring Queer Women's Identity and Confidence
• 16:36 Exploring Queer Women's Community Retreat

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:44

Do the sex.

Speaker 2: 0:46

Welcome to Masturbation Monday with me, annette Benedetti, your host for Locker Room Talk and Chats. This is your invitation to join me for coffee in bed and a candid conversation about the masturbation practice I'm developing to support my mental, physical and emotional health and help manifest my dreams. Masturbation Monday is a guide to self-pleasure, better sex and using the power of the pussy to open new doors to a better life. Today's Masturbation Monday topic is what I learned we learned because I have a guest today from attending the biggest queer women's lesbian festival, I think in the US or in the world. Do we know?

Speaker 1: 1:36

At least the US.

Speaker 2: 1:37

Anyways, it's a big fucking lesbian queer women's festival. Deanna aka Ruby, my longtime guest off and on here, joined me and two of my other queer women besties, who are in the back bedroom right now. We all decided to go on an adventure and attend the Dinah. Is it the Dinah Shore Weekend Festival or the Dinah? It's the Dinah.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Shore Festival. Yeah, I think is the technicalah, it's the Dinah Shore Festival.

Speaker 2: 2:08

Yeah, I think is the technical name and I haven't looked up the history on it, but it is one of the largest queer women's gathering weekends I believe that exists right now. We thought what better way to explore our own sexuality than to throw ourselves into the mix, and so what we want to share with you today is the top things we learned while we were here. I don't know how many. They were just going to share what we learned. We learned a lot of shit, so I have a coffee somewhere, but we are running on a tight schedule and have to check out of our room here real quick, so we're just going to say cheers. Let's talk about diving into a bunch of lesbians. What that like. All right, deanna, pop off. What was the first biggest thing you experienced? Learned, um.

Speaker 1: 2:55

I would say the first biggest thing I experienced was really that, um I I came with some apprehension about body positivity and acceptance, because even though everything you read and everything they put out there is, it's a very inclusive safe space. My experience is, even when it says that they're still right, um, not, but it was um really freeing to be very comfortable in my skin and not even have all of those intrusive thoughts about you know. Oh, are they looking and saying why are you in a two piece? And I didn't experience that at all. The energy was so welcoming and accepting and that was amazing. I've never been in a queer space that's been like that.

Speaker 2: 3:49

Yeah, super inclusive. I think for me, the biggest thing is I've never actually seen a women queer women's hookup culture. So if you're all wondering, was this a whole bunch of queer women getting together and getting it on? There's definitely some of that happening. Like this is a place where a lot of single queer women come to meet other single queer women, but there are also couples that come. It's also about community. It's also about meeting new people, for sure, but people come here to. You know, this was very sex positive space and I've never been in what I would call a queer women's space was where, like, it was completely like you know there's when it comes to lesbians. There's the idea, the u-haul sort of stigma if you kiss a lesbian or a queer woman, then you're going to be married in a week, which is not inaccurate completely. But so coming here and actually seeing women like really try each other out in a very positive, loving way was cool it was very cool.

Speaker 2: 5:03

So the other thing I learned while I was here is when there's more than one woman in a bed, it's the women in the middle who get to dictate the temperature of the room. That's my rule. I'm making up for any women out there listening. That is the rule. The person in the middle dictates the temperature of the room. What else? There were so many things we learned. Oh, I finally found the biggest one is I think I have always felt like I didn't really fit into the queer community.

Speaker 2: 5:42

As a high femme woman who doesn't appear to be queer, I have oftentimes felt out of place and unwelcome, and I don't know if that's just living in Portland, where it's more prevalent, where when women are queer there's a presentation, maybe signal to one another. And I just want to be myself. And I was here this weekend. It's the first time I have ever been in a queer space where I felt completely seen as I am, and I learned that I am a type of queer woman. What is my type? Black cat, I'm a black cat and I'll tell you what I learned what I was and I owned what I was and it went pretty well.

Speaker 2: 6:26

I would say it was successful yeah, it was, I got to dance, I got to dance with a lot of beautiful, wonderful, interesting, intelligent, sexy women. I can dance in a pool for three to four hours.

Speaker 1: 6:42

Interesting, intelligent, sexy women. I can dance in a pool for three to four hours without getting out, yes, yesterday.

Speaker 2: 6:54

So there were three or four pool parties that we went to. That went basically all afternoon long and, yeah, we danced in a pool amongst a sea of lovely queer women for three hours, something I realized that I thought was interesting. I had never been to, I guess, a real pool party before Me either A lot of firsts this weekend A lot of firsts this weekend.

Speaker 2: 7:22

I had never been to a real pool party before. Yeah, me either. A lot of firsts this weekend, a lot of firsts this weekend. I had never been to a real pool party before and I certainly had never been to a queer woman's pool party before. And if I have one thing I want to offer to my listeners is you want to go to one if you haven't been to one?

Speaker 2: 7:36

I mean the queer ladies know how to party at the pool. Something else we learned and we want to talk about where, generally, one of the things that was lovely about going to this festival is like it's kind of one of the few experiences queer women have where they can be seen as they are without being questioned, and they can connect with one another, because out in the wild it's hard to know who's queer and who's not. And what's lovely about all these women coming together is everyone really does watch out for each other, and it's one of the few spaces women can be in where you're drinking and clubbing and partying, where you feel safe because there are no cis men around. There are no men there lurking and looking for women. Men they're lurking and looking for women, uh.

Speaker 1: 8:25

But what we did learn is that even within the queer femme community there is misogyny, and one of the ways it showed up was um, yeah, so that was last night, um, at the closing party, and um, there was this sweet little petite girl poor thing had way too much to drink and there was this individual there that was kind of pushing her into people and then she'd like start grinding on them and they were, you'd tell, they were really like getting off on it. And they were with another, like a few others that were really it was almost like a game to them.

Speaker 2: 9:02

It was very predatory and at one point I thought they were getting her water and they were just giving her drinks so we really learned that the same sort of toxicity that we see more often coming from men who are kind of like want to pimp out their woman to get another woman or other man, you can find that in our queer space, and so that was a little bit I actually had to throw. We had had a save me sign and I actually had to throw that sign because I was being like aggressively grinded upon and I was clearly backing away, backing away, and the woman wouldn't stop, and so I actually had to use my sign, which I didn't think I was going to have to do Other ways.

Speaker 2: 9:46

That misogyny, I think, still shows up in, I think, the queer femme culture is. You know, I think a little bit when we saw a little bit in the hookup culture.

Speaker 2: 9:56

One of the things I think is a lot of women learn how to flirt with and treat women from what we see from men Right, and that can show up in how that plays out in the hookup culture.

Speaker 2: 10:09

Like you know, the first night, somebody hooking up with somebody and then kind of blowing I saw that among several people like blowing the person off just because they wanted to make sure they were available for other people and then circling back around to them at the end of the festival if no one else available came about, and I think that's just a human thing.

Speaker 2: 10:33

I think we're all learning how to navigate, you know, relationships and sex within a societal structure that's based on a patriarchal view. And then a big thing, yeah, I guess I learned that ties back into what I learned in the beginning is one of my things is I don't want to alter my look in order to be accepted as queer, and I think that a lot of queer people feel like they have to look a certain way Well, a to be identified, I think, but also to fit in. And I was very much like I want to be myself and I really thought there was not a space that existed where I could just be myself and be seen and accepted as queer. And I had that opportunity this weekend and it really was life-changing for me.

Speaker 1: 11:21

I think it was a huge contrast to what we have in the Portland area, especially with. One thing I've experienced is when you're in a queer women's space where you have bi women, pan women, queer identifying women, lesbians that lesbians once they find out especially if you're like a queer woman that's in a heterofacing relationship as soon as they find that out they like kind of back off. And my very first experience was getting on the plane in San Francisco and this really um, cute boy B-O-I um asked for a piece of gum and we started chatting and I brought up. It was brought up when we were talking about each other and I expected that once I brought that up it would shut down and it didn't. The conversation kept going. It's the first time I've ever experienced that.

Speaker 2: 12:28

The other thing I learned is that I am definitely moving more into the pansexual identity as opposed to the bisexual, I mean, even though the definition I use is the same. I recognize I really am just attracted to all humans and then whether I am sexually attracted or not depends on the type of person they are, and here we saw every. We learned how many different categories of queer women are there 20?.

Speaker 1: 12:57

Cat 27?

Speaker 2: 12:59

It's kind of a fun thing. Black cat.

Speaker 1: 13:03

Sporty Sporty.

Speaker 2: 13:05

Sporty.

Speaker 1: 13:05

Lipstick, chapstick.

Speaker 2: 13:08

Labrador retriever, golden retriever, golden lab, golden lab. I have learned that I definitely want a partner, regardless of gender, who is a golden retriever or a lab. Well, whatever, I'm one of those partners. I want one of those. I think I also realize I am just, yeah, attracted to all different types. Everyone always asks me what is my type. I can now officially say I don't have a type Me too but I do know when it comes to, emotionally, what I think, or attachment style, if you will, personality I definitely want, yeah, I want a golden or lab. Yeah, for sure, I need that, I need that. I need that. I need that sort of like excited, loving, interested, energy. Yeah, it's hot, very, very, all right, what else?

Speaker 2: 14:00

There's just so much that we learned, but we have to check out literally in 11 minutes, so we were pressed to even do this.

Speaker 2: 14:07

What I learned is I still have so much more to learn, but for me, this was a weekend that really helped me find myself, solidify, sort of my own identity, and feel comfortable in my own skin and confident, regardless of if I'm in a queer space or a heteronormative space or a mixed space. I feel like I am. Finally, I have arrived and I have struggled. I've really struggled, especially in relationship with whether my last long-term relationship was with a cis man, but then even when I've dated lesbians or queer women, I think when you aren't confident about where, who you are in every space, it can make it really hard to find and have a good connection with somebody. And I did find in my last relationship there was so much struggle with like owning my identity, drawing my boundaries around it and saying, here I am, you've got to accept me for who I am, and if you can't, then this isn't a thing. And I think that that was something really that came out of this weekend for both of us, right, yeah?

Speaker 1: 15:22

Yeah, this weekend really, I found a confidence I didn't think I would ever find in myself. I found myself, for the first time, open to people like seeing me as an attractive person, as a person that they would want to take the time to know. So, yeah, my confidence probably skyrocketed this weekend and I think it was really about the environment and it was an environment where I also learned a lot about myself. It just was. It was a great experience.

Speaker 2: 16:01

I also learned that there's a whole bunch of kinds of sex I still haven't had there's. There's a lot of. I guess when you get into the queer sex world it's like, just it's different.

Speaker 1: 16:16

It's expansive, you know.

Speaker 2: 16:20

So what do we want to sum it up with? We've got to get out of here.

Speaker 1: 16:24

If you have not come to the Dinah and you are a queer woman girl get yourself here Seriously Highly recommend it's super fun.

Speaker 2: 16:36

If, yeah, if you know whether or not you want to hook up with people, even if you just want to be in an environment where you're going to feel accepted and make great friends. I have so many like wonderful new friends that we have people that are coming to our retreat, my bisexual women's retreat I'm putting on October 10th. Yes, we have people who are coming to that that I'm going to be able to hang out with again. Definitely we'll be doing this again. That's it.

Speaker 2: 17:04

Yeah, we're here, and we're a queer than when we showed up. Yeah, yeah, definitely queer than when we showed up. So, hey guys, if you have questions, comments, thoughts, especially if you're a queer woman out there that is wondering what can I do to find myself, my place, understand myself better, this is it. Feel free to reach out to me with questions, annette at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. If you are a man who's with a bi woman and you want her to figure herself out, find herself, you want to support her in her journey, have her listen to this, have her reach out to me, annette at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. And I guess I'm a little tired, a little out of it. It's been what? Five days of dancing, having some drinks, meeting people, that's it. Here's our bisexual pansexual revelation podcast. Alright, until next time, folks, I'll see you in the locker room Ring loop.