Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast
Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast
How to STOP Premature Ejaculation! Last Longer in Bed
Do you struggle with premature ejaculation or even just want to last longer in bed? Sex and relationship coach Aaron Frazin joins me for a conversation about cumming too fast. In this episode we cover what the definition of Premature Ejaculation is, we go over some of the main causes and then he walks you through a clearly defined 3 step process that will help you last longer in bed. We sum up this episode with a guided activity you can start using tonight!
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Do the sex Think fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room and Shots topic is premature ejaculation Last longer in bed. Look, folks, I know it can be really, really exciting when you finally get in bed with that sexy, sexy human and for some of us who have penises, you get riled up a little bit too fast and it ends before it's even begun. Now I would say you can keep the fun going even after you're done coming. But I know, I know that many of us just want to figure out how to enjoy that ride to the top for more than 5, 10, 15 minutes. So I have a guest today who's going to help us navigate and understand premature ejaculation and how to last longer in bed.
Speaker 1:My guest today is Aaron Frazen. He is a leading sex and relationship coach who specializes in addressing four problems One repairing a challenging relationship. I could have used your help last year, sir. Have used your help last year, sir. Two, reigniting a couple's sex life in a long-term relationship. Three, addressing erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. And four dating confidently. I may need to bring you back soon. He is formally trained as a therapist and has a decade of CEO experience running a multi-million dollar technology in a past life. He uses a mixture of Western psychotherapy approaches and Buddhism to help people find more pleasure in their life. Welcome, aaron, I'm glad to have you here.
Speaker 1:And I would love for you to tell my listeners just a little bit more about you and what you're about.
Speaker 2:Well, we were talking about this before, but right now I'm on a sailboat, I'm not in a van, and I really am about living life pleasurably, whether that is having great sex or just living authentically.
Speaker 2:I spent many years of my life running a technology startup, pursuing achievement, and then, ultimately, I found that the quest for me was more of an inner quest of how do I live more authentically, how do I live more confidently, and so I ended up pursuing a path to become a therapist.
Speaker 2:And then, ultimately, many of my clients were asking me all these questions about sex and pleasure, and so was I. I at one point struggled with premature ejaculation, was trying to figure out how do I have the sex that I want to have, and so I did a bunch of therapy education in different types of psychologies that mix Buddhism and Western psychotherapy to address my fascination with sex and pleasure and healthy relationships, and ultimately, as I started to do that, I started to be able to help more and more people in their own sex lives. As I started to do that, I started to be able to help more and more people in their own sex lives, and ever since then, it's been deeply my fascination. Why do we date the people we do. Why do we want the sex we want?
Speaker 1:How can we remove or use the experience of anxiety in sex. So you're going to want to stay to the end, because by the end of this podcast, we're going to have a little package of ideas that, if you struggle with premature ejaculation, that you can start using tonight to last longer in bed. We're going to come up with some takeaways that are things that you'll be able to start doing right away. That's what I'm promising. So stay to the end.
Speaker 2:I do want to leave people with some exercises they can do at home, whether it's alone or with a partner. So I hope today to leave you with like tangible exercises and also a three step process around addressing premature ejaculation and some resources. So, yes, definitely stay till the end.
Speaker 1:Are you ready? Let's talk about sex and lasting longer for more sex.
Speaker 2:Cheers to that.
Speaker 1:Because why not make it last as long as possible? Right, that's my question, all right, so first of all, let's just talk about what is premature ejaculation.
Speaker 2:I think it's feeling like you can't last as long as you want. So if it's lasting a minute and that's all you want it to be, then great. If you want to last longer and there's some part of you that feels out of control and that you can't have the type of sex or last as long as you want, then it's only an issue, because it's an issue to you.
Speaker 1:So there's not really a set amount of time by which we set the standard of premature ejaculation.
Speaker 2:Maybe there is, but with my clients I think it's lasting. As long as you want to feel in control of your arousal curve and, um to yeah, not have that feeling of anxiety that starts to creep up that I can't control myself this is too much. What if I don't last? But rather to be able to get out of your head and out of those disturbing thoughts into just enjoying your time with your partner.
Speaker 1:Right, this would make sense to me because I always talk about on this podcast, especially for men and people with penises, like the actual insertion part, pnv, assuming you're with a vulva owner, but the insertion part of sex is like this much of the entire experience, right, sex is a much bigger experience than that.
Speaker 1:So if that even lasts a short period of time, it doesn't mean sex has to last a short period of time. So it makes sense that this premature ejaculation and the anxiety around it is would be very individualized, based on how important that part of the sexual experience is to the person who's ejaculating and their partner.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there are many people having great sex life. Who's maybe the penis owner lasts a minute in insertion, but there's no complaints. This is only a problem if you are feeling unsatisfied, and it's that important because all of us are going to have some sort of sexual and I quote dysfunction in our life. For example, 20% of men in their 20s have erectile dysfunction, 30% in their 30s, 40% in their 40s and on and on until like 90% in their 90s, and so it's learning about how to work with what is going on for you and how to create pleasure and meet yourself where you are. Not that you can't change your experience if you don't want to, but just because there is a societal norm doesn't mean you can't have great pleasure in a way that you want.
Speaker 1:What are the psychological factors at play behind premature ejaculation, and are there also physical factors? Is it one or the other, or both?
Speaker 2:I believe that premature ejaculation is anxiety, is anxiety. What happens is the arousal curve gets attached to the anxiety curve. So at some point there is an experience that arousal is getting attached to anxiety and you'll notice some physical factors. Often men will start to hold their breath, they'll start to clench their asshole, they're going to be clenching a lot of their body and it is almost the same experience as a fight flight freeze response. So it's like a disturbing survival level response and the body is like, oh my God, I need to get out of this. Hence all that clenching, especially the clenching in the pelvic floor, leads to ejaculating much earlier.
Speaker 1:Before we move forward, just for my listeners, can you explain the arousal curve and what it is?
Speaker 2:Let's just imagine that, on a scale of 1 to 10, where one is you're not aroused at all, and then at some point, your thoughts start to start to get more concentrated on what you're desiring.
Speaker 2:So your focus starts to narrow, maybe your breathing changes and you're starting to get maybe more forward movements, more wanting something ultimately to attend, which could be orgasm.
Speaker 2:Um, the thing is is, at some point in that arousal curve, what happens in premature ejaculation is your actual experience shifts from oh, I'm aroused that I see this really sexy person in front of me to I'm anxious. And the actual experience isn't so erotic as much as it is in like the foreground of your vision. You're not really as much noticing this sexy person or this pleasurable experience. You are feeling a sense of fight or flight, and so your body is actually not lying to you, like your cock is telling you the truth. It is saying I don't want to be here. Telling you the truth, it is saying I don't want to be here but it's because you're having an experience of anxiety. As we can tolerate the emotions of the anxiety that are brought up differently, so they're no longer so disturbing, then that experience will dissipate into the background and sure, you may have moments of anxiety, but you will also have an embodied, grounded experience of pleasure at the same time.
Speaker 1:So the anxiety causes you to come faster.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like if I were to ask the listeners like, think of an experience where a recent experience where you came too quickly according to you, and if, in slow motion, notice what happens to your asshole, notice what happens to your breathing, you will notice that at some point, you'll start to squeeze your pelvic floor. Notice that at some point, you'll start to squeeze your pelvic floor, your breathing will stop and you're doing the same things that would cause an orgasm, but not because you're ready.
Speaker 1:Get too excited, overexcited and come from it. But it's actually the opposite. In a way, it's like there's a fear that interrupts it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's a fear. The experience has changed from something deeply arousing to something I mean. The arousal might still be there, but at the forefront of the experience is the feeling of anxiety, is the feeling of something is wrong, the feeling of you might notice racing thoughts. You might not even notice pleasure as much. You will notice maybe there's many ways to talk about it, but you will feel a disturbance.
Speaker 1:I mean I can say, as someone who's been with someone who has come really quickly, that when they do come really quickly, it's not even like they don't even sound like they're enjoying it, like almost the apology is happening before they're done. And and that's kind of the interesting thing about it is it's like not only did you come fast, you didn't even enjoy it or didn't seem to. I'm curious with this kind of orgasm is the refractory period. Fast, like the orgasm and like arousal, ends all together.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I know the answer to that question. I can tell you from my personal experience when I was going through premature ejaculation, I felt like that was true. Can I tell your listeners that I've done the research on that? No, but I do want to say one thing, though, which is that, when you said, it feels like they're not enjoying it when a bear is chasing you, it's hard to see the flowers. So when you're experiencing a survival level threat which is what it feels like you're not really feeling the pleasure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, and it doesn't seem pleasurable and as the person who's in the moment attached to the other person, there is this energetic like. You feel the energy of it, right, and you're like, and it doesn't feel good, like whatever is happening, like you almost, at least I'm a, I'm a very intuitive, like a person and I feed off of and feel the other person's energy and you can almost feel sort of you know they are apologizing and I'm comforting them before they're even done with so the experience of anxiety for humans is it's it's really strange in that it's contagious, um, so like it's weird.
Speaker 2:There's something about when, like a bird flies away because it's anxious, all the other birds fly away. Or when a part when someone, when a partner, is anxious, often the other partner reports feeling a sense of anxiety in them which is different than things like jealousy or sadness. It's a unique, maybe it's biological, I'm not really sure why. When you pick up when your partner is anxious, you pick it up yourself. You can feel that they've somehow withdrawn from the experience. It almost feels like a little bit of abandonment. Even though they're physically present, emotionally they're distant, and so that can feel a little heartbreaking.
Speaker 1:Um, and there's a truth to what you just said are there any other things you'd like to add to that when we talk about the causes?
Speaker 2:So I would want a listener to. If I was with a client, I would start to have them imagine their experience and then, in slow motion, when do they start to clench their asshole or when do they start to not breathe? Yeah, and in those moments what do they notice happens in their body? Most people report some sort of experience that they leave their body and they start going into thought. They start going into thought around shame. Maybe they start going into thought about shame. Maybe they start going into thought about wishing they could control the experience. They start going into thought around different elements of projecting into the future, and so they have left the present.
Speaker 2:Leaving the present and going into any form of narrative is a way to cope with something that feels too disturbing in the present, to cope with disturbing sensations. Part of the process is to be able to commit to the immediate, embodied experience you're trying to avoid. Often I've noticed folks with premature ejaculation are orienting their whole life around around not feeling something. So let's maybe expand the horizons. Maybe they're not. They orient their whole life around not the feeling of not performing.
Speaker 2:So many of my clients I've worked with are, like, very deeply successful in their career or in their relationship life.
Speaker 2:Many of them are different ceos of companies. They've achieved a lot of success in their life, perhaps because the feeling of not performing, of not being perfect, of being in some way vulnerable, is so disturbing that they orient their life around not feeling this difficult sensation ever again. So I'll often ask a client is this familiar elsewhere in life, this same feeling? And when you start to do the practices of being able to feel the disturbing feeling in sex, or feel that same disturbing vulnerability outside of sex, in the world world, you will no longer start to orbit your life and create all these strategies around maybe feeling vulnerable, maybe feeling imperfect, maybe feeling, um, like not a performer, disliked whatever it is. You will start to be like oh, I can handle being disliked, I, I can handle not performing, I can handle making a mistake, and then you can start to move through your life with more flow. So the first step is really to commit to the experience that you're trying to avoid, and often it's an experience you're trying to avoid not just in sex, but all over life.
Speaker 1:Wow, if I had a penis I would definitely be a premature ejaculator. I am. I'm not joking. Oh my God. Thank God I've got a vagina. I wonder what the mirror of this would be in a woman, or of all the owners body. You know what I mean because I know. I understand 100, the dissociation, the. You know as anxiety comes up in the middle of sex for whatever reason, where I go, and you know when I clinch in my body and all that. But it's not. Obviously I don't worry about coming fast. That is not how it. That is not how it happens, for me.
Speaker 2:Well, it can ripple, maybe it's not having the effect of, maybe it's not so visible, so it might not lead to as much shame and the spiral downward. But perhaps someone might feel that you're having sex with it You're not really there as much, and then they may feel a ripple of anxiety, and then you might feel more anxiety because they're pulling away and then you pull away, and so sometimes this can result in just something feeling a little off, um, something, especially if it's hard to get out of your head so I love the fact that the answer to this is then sitting in, staying within your body, sitting in the sensation, instead of running from it, because I feel like that is something that's often as someone I happen to have high anxiety and dealing with anxiety in my own life.
Speaker 1:The cure oddly enough, because people who experience panic attacks and anxiety we tend to run from that situated feeling. It's scary. The cure really is not running and being there for it and allowing it to happen and then seeing the reality of it. Right, and so it sounds like you're saying the first step in this is staying in your body and not retreating from it, correct?
Speaker 2:Yeah, perfectly said. Committing to the immediate experience of anxiety, on and off, for the rest of your life, with no possibility that you're going to get rid of anxiety. You can change your relationship with anxiety, but the thing is to first commit to experiencing anxiety and seeing if it will kill you when you commit to feeling it.
Speaker 1:And so you're saying in bed it's like seeing if it will kill you when you commit to feeling it. And so you're saying in bed it's like seeing if it's going to make you come if you commit to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is sort of a paradox, okay, so the first step is going to be identify the experience of when you start to get anxious. Then the second step is to commit to the immediate embodied experience of anxiety or not being a performer or being in whatever it is. Anxiety, I think, is a great like higher level. And then the third thing is to orient towards pleasure, but the same thing as I said earlier, where it's like if there's a bear chasing you, you don't see the flowers, it's when you are experiencing anxiety, which is part of sex, especially part of early on sex. But if you're having premature ejaculation now, it's a part of sex. So we need to commit to that, because when we do these practices which I'll talk about, of committing to it, it will no longer feel like a bear chasing you. It'll feel like, oh, the bear is not chasing me. It doesn't feel like that contractive, you know feeling of like fight or flight. It's like I've felt this 15 times before.
Speaker 2:Said another way, when you're in your living room watching a scary movie for Set another way when you're in your living room watching a scary movie, it is deeply disturbing. There's all these spooky scenes. You feel deeply disturbed. But when you watch it for the 10th or 15th time you know this scene's going to happen, that scene's going to happen. It's still disturbing but also you're aware, you're kind of not like drawn into it. As much because you know and you start to see the like drawn into it as much because you know and you start to see the flowers in the living room, the paintings in the room. You see that it's just a screen. Like if I were to do like a little guided meditation, it would be something like notice what happens to your breathing. Is it shallow or deep? Don't try to change it, let's just commit to it. Noticing what's happening in your chest Often people say there's some sort of tightness in their chest or stomach.
Speaker 2:I'll have them notice. What color is it? It's the first color. It's a weird question, but what's the first color that comes to mind? Just keep watching this internal movie. Is there a texture to that sensation? What's happening to your asshole? Is it clenching? How tight is it? Now? What's happening to your breath?
Speaker 2:Again, and check are any of these sensations? Is there any evidence that experiencing these disturbing sensations will kill you? Check for yourself. Most people say no Check, is there any evidence that experiencing these sensations will hurt you? Most people say no.
Speaker 2:And then I offer what might it be like to, with kindness, just give yourself permission to be in the experience of anxiety, maybe even like shutting your eyes and inviting the anxiety for a cup of tea and giving yourself permission to feel it. Ultimately, people will notice, but I encourage you not to trust me. Trust your own experience. Have to trust me. Trust your own experience that that same sort of that same sort of inner movie. Okay, first the breathing stops, then my chest tightens. The color is red, the texture is smooth or slimy or prickly, my asshole tightens, uh, my focus constricts. People see it's the same movie over and over and over. It's not going to kill them and ultimately, when they stay with themselves, they will eventually reach the other side and they will feel open again.
Speaker 2:It is a trance. It will not last forever. It does last longer when we try to resist it. So neurosis is defined as the avoidance of an immediate. Immediate sensations are too much, so we go into our head. But Emily Nagoski from the book come as you are, talks about how emotions are tunnels. You have to go through the darkness of the tunnel to get to the lightness of the other side. But if you stop in the middle of the tunnel, the emotion can last for minutes, hours, days, weeks. But if you don't leave into your head, into narrative, you drop the narrative and go back into the truth of the sensations, or you don't leave into the future and you stay with it Ultimately. Don't take my word for it. Try it for yourself with any anxiety, whether it's sex or with something in life, you will, once you stay with it with loving presence, feel openness again. And here you can continue having sex because you're not anxious anymore.
Speaker 1:What you're saying is, when somebody starts to have sex and they probably pretty instantly start to feel that anxiety right, am I going to come too fast this time that what you're asking them to do is like sit in that feeling?
Speaker 2:Okay, yes and no. The yes is that, yes, I am the, the. The a client would normally just be like, I'm not going to like, sit and meditate right when I'm having sex. So I offer that like, okay, expecting yourself to do this when you're having sex with someone, as, as you're starting to practice this is like practicing a free throw in the last second shot of the championships. Like, like, no, like. Why don't we like do this in, not like the most anxiety producing situation? You can do this when you're just imagining a time you've had sex where you started to get aroused and you started to notice anxiety. Come up, do this alone, practice it there and then, as you start to practice it there, then, yeah, practice it in sex, slow down, and when you do this enough times, you will start to.
Speaker 2:Anxiety is inevitable in life. Anxiety is never going to go away. There's no amount of success, there's no amount of being a sex god. There's no amount of whatever it is that will cause anxiety to go away. Anxiety is part of the human experience. Whatever it is that will cause anxiety to go away, anxiety is part of the human experience. But you can have the pain of anxiety without the suffering of then spiraling out of control. So like, oh, here it is, I can be with it. Okay, this movie seems going to happen and it's no longer going to be so disturbing. It'll still be disturbing, but much less so. The next experience would be as it starts to leave the foreground of your experience. You can, you'll naturally be able to see the flowers, you'll naturally be able to see the rest of your experience. But the second thing is not to just like torment yourself with, you know, committing to anxiety.
Speaker 2:But then the final step in the process is orienting towards pleasure. It's like, ah, I started thinking, I started future planning, and now what is there in front of me that's arousing? So, in any of your senses, what do you see that's sexy? What do you hear that's sexy? What do you smell that's turning you on? What? Or just pleasurable, what are you feeling? Or a really lovely one is what is your next pleasurable impulse? Can you let go and be surprised by your impulse? Oh, I'm thinking again, or I'm a little anxious. Feel it for a moment. And now, where's the pleasure? What's my next impulse? What do I see that's sexy? And so, over time, you're sort of like creating a pleasure practice where you're committing to choose pleasure.
Speaker 1:I love that. It's really what you're telling people to do is become more self-aware in the moment, instead of just being controlled by what's happening. Right, you're teaching them to see, oh, it's not just I insert my penis and I'm coming. It's like all of this stuff is happening. And once you can see what's happening and attend to it and you can start to gain control and reorient right, like you can say all right, I'm up in my head thinking and acknowledge that and then reorient to the task at hand, which is having sex with a beautiful person. Right, and it's really an exercise of becoming self-aware of what's really happening and that it's not just. You're not out of you, you have some control over it. You just have to become aware of what's, what's really going on yeah, and what's really going on right now is anxiety.
Speaker 2:So let's just, for the moment, commit to that. Eventually that'll change. I I don't want to like make false commitments. I want you to like have your test it for yourself. I don't want to like make false commitments. I want you to like have your test it for yourself. You know, don't just trust me, but what I noticed is like, yeah, your cock is telling you the truth right now, your body's telling you the truth. You are feeling anxious. So right now, for the moment, let's commit to anxiety. How might your life be different if anxiety wasn't so scary for you? How might your life change? Of course, sex will change, but how might the rest of your life change too? And then, ultimately, just you'll start to be able to stay in the flow, kind of, as you were saying, of whatever is authentic to you.
Speaker 1:And I also appreciate how you are connecting this to other areas of life, because I am always beating the drum of. Sex is not compartmentalized. Sexuality is not compartmentalized. It is interwoven into everything we do, and so whatever you are seeing reflected in your sex life is most likely also reflected in every other area of your life your friendships, your relationship, your, your job, your finances, everything, and this is really demonstrative of that right yeah.
Speaker 2:How do you handle being out of control in the rest of your life? Is that really disturbing to you? What might it be like to be like there's nothing I can do in life to stop the experience of out of control? Out of control is part of life. We really don't control it. We can try as much as we want. Is that helping or hurting? What might it be like, instead, to give ourselves permission to experience the disturbing feeling of out of control for the rest of our life? How might we change our relationship then to life If we're like this is inevitable, so I may as well feel it. Oh, actually turns out, I can handle it. I don't need to control life.
Speaker 1:Does it help to sit with your partner and say this is a problem for me?
Speaker 2:Does it help to sit with your partner and say this is a problem for me? Yeah, I think. When we ultimately look at why people have sex, it's not for an orgasm, like we can have an orgasm alone, but the equation is like pleasure plus connection. Connection is a huge part of it and so if you can connect deeper with your partner, your sex will be more pleasurable. You can say this is what's going on, but also you can start to bring them along. Remove the shame. One of the biggest antidotes to shame is sharing, so that you're not alone with this disturbing thought. It's amazing what can happen with sharing to someone, that a thought doesn't spook them. You're like oh, actually, that's fine. So if you can share, then also you can practice with them. You can start to do this practice with them without them being like why is he or they shutting their eyes and meditating? You know like you can practice and have a partner to practice this with and this might deepen your relationship.
Speaker 1:So the three steps. Let's go back over the three steps to your process and then make sure we're packaging up, then also that the practices. So this three steps to the process. Guys, pay attention, this is it.
Speaker 2:So identify when, in the arousal arc, you start to have the experience, the sensations of anxiety, and do that in slow motion emotion, like when you're having sex, when you are imagining times you've had sex. Start to see the slow feelings before you've been completely taken over. If you can identify this early, you'll be super aware, and awareness is the quite possibly the biggest step to change right. Become aware of when your experience is shifting from arousal to anxiety. That's in your breath. Many people feel a tension in the stomach or the chest, a clenching of the asshole, constriction of thought, no longer or less feeling in the body. So that's one. The second one is commit to the immediate embodied experience you're trying to avoid until it's not scary. It will always be disturbing, the feeling of anxiety, the feeling of out of control-ness, but it doesn't need to be something that takes you over for as long as it does now. Anxiety or out of control-ness or performance anxiety is a part of life and as you watch the scary movie you'll be like, okay, here's what's going to happen. This is going to happen, that's going to happen. And what I mean is commit to the actual sensations. If you are leaving the experience into narrative or thought or future planning. You're not actually committing to the immediate sensations. So commit to feeling the sensations. You can perhaps use your breath as you're committing to the sensations, but make a promise to yourself. I commit to experiencing the feeling of anxiety on and off for the rest of my life, without any hope that it'll go away.
Speaker 2:And try it and then finally orient towards pleasure. So see if you can choose pleasure. So when you go into thinking, when you go into planning, when you go into the future, when you go into anxiety, after you experience it for a moment, because that is your truth, let yourself experience it. Now say, all right, now, what is pleasurable, what's sexy, what am I seeing? You can go to any of your senses and also go into your impulses. What's my next impulse? And great sex is when two people are in their impulses, both listening to the other person but also just completely following the impulses. Like a really great conversation, you're having a really great dance, you're having with someone where you're in a trance. So can you just be surprised by your impulse for pleasure? What is my next impulse? So that's third was orienting towards pleasure. The second was committing to the immediate embodied sensations that you're trying to avoid, and the first is just the awareness, in slow motion, of when you shift from arousal to anxiety.
Speaker 1:There you go, You've got your three step solution to practice. And then you said and you want to give them some activities.
Speaker 2:So those guided meditations.
Speaker 2:Let's finish with one so invoking the experience of some sex that you had, where you started to notice when you're starting to feel aroused and then when do you start to notice that you're starting to get a little anxious. How do you know that with your sensations? How do you know that you're feeling uncomfortable? Just with sensations? Many people report their breath changes or a feeling in the torso, in the chest or the stomach. See what it's like to give yourself permission to just follow this disturbance. Can you give yourself permission to maybe perhaps notice a color, whatever the first color is that come to mind, and if there's no color, that's okay too. Um, that you feel in the sensations.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, at this point, people might feel like this is too much and they start to feel numbness. I offer how do you know, with sensations in your body, that you're feeling numb? Then that is now your reality and you give yourself permission to feel numb. Where do you feel the numbness? What's the color? And so, whatever you're feeling, notice what you notice in your asshole. Notice what you notice in your asshole. Is it clenching, how tight is it, and see if you can bring, using your breath, this kind of permission to accept all of these sensations. I'm sending a breath to each of these areas your, your cock, your stomach, your chest like breath that says that everything is okay. Maybe even check in if you're like it's not okay. Check in is there any evidence that these difficult sensations are going to kill you?
Speaker 2:And if there is no evidence, commit back to it and see what it's like to invite these difficult sensations and the part of you that is anxious in for a cup of tea, re-owning this experience as part of you that all of us have and just welcome it. Experience as part of you that all of us have and just welcome it. And if you've had this experience, now start to notice what is pleasurable, maybe checking with your eyes what do you notice in front of you? Or in this fantasy or memory, what is pleasurable? What about with your ears? What do you hear that's pleasurable? Or with touch or with taste.
Speaker 2:And noticing also your impulses. What is your next impulse for pleasure? And see what it's like to let yourself both be anxious and to see also, or experience also the pleasure. And see what it's like to whenever your experience changes from pleasure back to anxiety, as right now this is part of your experience. See what it's like to again commit to re-welcoming anxiety as something that's not going to kill you and notice the internal movie again and again, and again.
Speaker 1:Well, there you go. That's a great guided meditation technique to really get you through I hate to say, get you through the situation because you are getting laid folks but you know to slow it down a little and, um, give you something to do other than you know, because us, us vulva owners can tell when you're like counting sheep or or playing, you know, whatever, what did I've had? I've had guys say they're running like football strategies or whatever to avoid coming and it's like, well, it sucks, because I can tell you're not paying attention to me and I'd much rather you pay attention to me for like three minutes and come than be looking up. I'm assuming you're on top or looking down at you and I can tell you're somewhere completely different, you know, and not even trying to be here.
Speaker 2:And that's really lonely. And people are having sex Like we are taught it's for orgasm and for this like deeply sexy experience, but when you actually look into it, it's pleasure and connection. People are having sex because it's connection. So I like what you said of like I'd much rather you be here and it'd be short than like you not be here.
Speaker 1:And it lasts forever, and that's oh man. I've been in that situation where I'm like this person isn't here because they're trying to make it last and I just now want it over. I've had that happen so many times, where I'm like this person isn't here because they're trying to make it last and I just now want it over.
Speaker 1:I've had that happen so many times where I'm like I just want it over now, like this is not fun for me. So and the whole point, you're right, and I don't know how to convince people. Orgasm is not the point of sex. It's fun to have one, but it really is the ride and the connection and the experience and getting to be in an orgasmic state or neurotic state is what I'd rather say with someone else. It's such a special place to be and a connected place to be. But you just have given my listeners some great tools for holding off on that orgasm for as long as they want to. I really appreciate your definition of pre-ejaculation as well, because that really gives a person the option to decide whether or not it's a problem or not. You have offered my listeners a wonderful strategy and a deeper understanding of premature ejaculation and what to do from here. Now. I would like to tell them where they can find out everything about you and get in touch with you if they would like to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'll point to some resources. Some of them are mine, some of them are not. You can reach me at AaronFrazencom that's A-A-R-O-N-F-R-a-z-i-ncom, and there are some premature ejaculation resources there. Uh, also, the person that and that taught me so much of what I know about premature ejaculation and sex therapy, it's keely rankin. She has a course on her website for premature ejaculation. Um, I don't get anything for saying that, uh, but it's a great course. So you can look that up on keely's site. I'll put these guided. I'll put like a longer version of the guided meditation on my site. So go to erinfrasencom. Slash premature ejaculation and also, if you want any form of coaching or to reinvigorate your sex life as a couple or to tackle more about premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction or dating, you can go to my website function or dating.
Speaker 1:you can go to my website. Perfect. If you have any questions about this podcast, make sure to drop a comment below. It helps me keep your questions organized so I can get back to you. You can always email me at Annette at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. I love to hear from you guys and love feedback on my different guests, what they have to say and the topics. So thank you again, Aaron, for joining me today. I really enjoyed this conversation. I learned a lot, especially about the fact that I would be most likely a premature ejaculator myself. Hope that makes my listeners feel better.
Speaker 2:Thank, you for having me. This was lovely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, All right listeners. Until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.