Exploring the Praise Kink: Call Me "Good Girl"

Most people enjoy a compliment here and there. But some of us, get wet when we receive praise. I sit down to talk about the Praise Kink with Babeland Toys' sex expert and marketing director Lisa Finn in the latest episode of Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast. Join us as we explore what I'm pretty sure is my biggest fetish. We dive into the nuances of this linguistic kink and discover how it can tie into both BDSM and vanilla sex.
Listen until the end where we provide practical tips on incorporating praise in your sexual play, including a guide on using words in bed, exploring BDSM tools for praise like collars, restraints, and ropes, and offering a starter kit for beginners. We also share personal experiences and discuss the interplay of praise and humiliation within consensual experiences.

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Chapters

• 0:47 Exploring the Praise Kink
• 16:50 Praise Kinks and the DOM Sub-Relationship
• 23:58 Exploring Praise and Humiliation Kinks
• 32:34 Exploring Praise and Humiliation Kinks
• 40:19 Exploring BDSM Tools for Praise
• 57:21 Exploring Praise Kink and Words in Bed
• 1:04:18 Exploring Topics on Baylandcom Babe Blog

Transcript

Annette Benedetti: 0:47

Hi, this is Annette Finnadetti, your hostess for a locker room talk and shots, the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk. You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors, while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex, think, fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room talk and shots topic is exploring the praise kink. Call me good girl Listeners.

Annette Benedetti: 1:34

If you've been with me for any time now, but especially from the beginning over the past three years, you know I've been exploring my own kinky life, trying to figure out what I'm all about. It's been very confusing and for a long time I really kind of thought I was primarily into kind of more heavier impact play, bdsm, restraints, all that stuff. But over the last two years, through a lot of exploration that, as you all know, led me to incredible orgasms that I was never having before, and then just self reflection, experiences, therapy, I have come to this conclusion that I think what I might mostly have is a praise kink. Now, just the term praise kink raises the most obvious question how is a praise kink different than just anyone enjoying being complimented? Well, I don't know. I kind of know, but I don't know. But I do have a guest today who is going to be giving us the answers we seek when it comes to the praise kink.

Annette Benedetti: 2:40

Now, this is a returning guest. Her name's Lisa Finn. If you want to check out our last podcast together, you're going to scroll back or head over to YouTube where you're going to look up cock and ball torture. Yes, lisa is taking us from cock and ball torture to praise. I kind of like the combo. They definitely hold hands. Well, yeah, we're going to be talking. They can hold hands, but we will be talking about that Now. Lisa is a Brooklyn based sex educator for Beyblend and sibling store Good Vibes. She has been featured in publications such as New York Times, huffington Post, cosmo, forbes, gq and more, and has led dozens of workshops everywhere, from Ivy Leagues to nightclubs. Finn absolutely loves helping first timers to feel unashamed, to explore their curiosities, especially kink, which is why she's here Leasing humor into education as a reminder that pleasure should always, always, always always be fun. Welcome, lisa. I'm excited for this conversation, but before we jump into it, do you want to just give my listeners a little bit of a reminder about who you are?

Lisa Finn: 3:51

Yeah, so I mean, you basically summed it up with that intro, but I am a sex educator. I've been working for the sex choice store Beyblend since 2016. So, beyond knowledge of kink and sex education relationships all of that I'm also a toy expert. It is definitely one of the more fun perks of the job. But, yeah, I'm just so excited to be able to talk about something that I feel like has been all over the internet recently. I feel like I cannot scroll through any social media platform without somebody typing out good girl and people going absolutely nuts over it. So I'm very excited to dive into this.

Annette Benedetti: 4:30

Yeah, so I didn't even know praise kink was a thing until I stumbled over it recently and I'm like I think that that might be my thing. But before we move on, guys, I want to remind you that you're most likely, most definitely going to want to head over to YouTube to watch this after you listen to it. Before you listen to it, because we will be including the toolbox that you can use while doing this kink. So I mean, obviously, most kinks can be done with or without tools, toys, etc. But you can always enhance your play, and you know that I'm all about that.

Annette Benedetti: 5:14

So if you want to see the demonstrations and the stuff we're going to be talking about, you can head to YouTube and it's just a net Benedetti and you can watch our conversation and see the implements that we are talking about as we talk about them. You're also going to want to stay to the end because, as always, we have our little section of takeaways, and the takeaway for this podcast really is going to be a starter kit. So we're going to talk about what it is, what it's all about, why you might be into it or might not be into it, and then how to get started if you want to dip your toe in the water, starting tonight or tomorrow. So I'm having coffee over here and I am ready to. And what are you doing over there?

Lisa Finn: 5:58

Yeah, I've got some pomegranate juice to start. I do, as always, have whiskey to finish, but like any good kink scene, we want to wait until afterwards to get that buzz Cheers.

Annette Benedetti: 6:11

I'm going to start with the most obvious question, which is what is a praise kink period?

Lisa Finn: 6:17

Yeah. So the confusion, or, I guess, the misunderstanding, between what a praise kink is versus liking to be complimented. Most people like compliments. They make us feel good, they uplift us, they make us feel empowered. Where it becomes a kink is when that compliment gets you roused. It gets you going. It's something that is making you horny. It's something that you have a sexual connection to. It doesn't mean that every time somebody gives you a compliment you're going to get wet or get a boner. It just means that in this context it is erotic.

Lisa Finn: 6:53

So with a praise kink it can be either forgiving or receiving. So forgiving you like telling your partner how good they are. You like telling them what good of a job they're doing, how we like that they moan for you, how they look when they're spread out, being possessive of them. These are all different ways to play with that and with receiving a praise kink. It's maybe that you want to be told how good you look. You want to be affirmed that you're making your partner feel pleasure. You want to be affirmed that what you're doing is something that is good, great even. And it can have a lot of different facets to it. You have your nicknames, your honorifics. We can even play with praise and degradation, which is very interesting. I definitely want to touch on that at some point, but overall it's just affirmations and positive words as something erotic.

Annette Benedetti: 7:51

Yet this is where I want to share my discovery in reflection At the time I didn't realize it but how I discovered that I might have a praise kink, and this is really in reflection. It was a couple of years ago when I was starting a new relationship and it was kind of based on BDSM. But what took me by surprise was one night, through text, this individual sent me just this really affectionate, praised filled text and the next thing I knew I was horny as hell and it shook me a little bit. I was like, wow, I just read this and it wasn't sexy, necessarily, it wasn't even about sex, it was just about, ultimately, about who I was. But it was very praise filled. It was the first time it had so clearly happened to me.

Annette Benedetti: 8:49

And after that I was like, oh, maybe this is a thing. And so from there on I've noticed, oh, I do like being called good girl, but more so I am switchy. I'm like 100% a switch when I'm in a dom position. In reflection now and in practice, I also recognize I really love giving praise and seeing the reaction to it. And so when PraiseKink popped up in my feed, I was like, oh, this kind of makes sense to me that this is more than like oh, I just enjoy compliments and saying nice things or whatever right.

Lisa Finn: 9:28

Yeah, you and I have that in common. So I think that this is gonna be a really interesting dynamic, being able to speak to it from both perspectives, of loving to tell our partners how good they are and loving to hear how good we are. So, yeah, it's for a lot of people. It can pop up in a lot of different ways. A lot of people are realizing it through media right now. I mentioned earlier that it's kind of ubiquitous on certain parts of like TikTok. If you are on KinkTalk, if you are on ThirstTrap TikTok any of that you are going to be getting videos of people looking directly into the camera and calling you a good girl, a good boy, a good little pet, something like that. And for a lot of people they don't realize that when those compliments come with that direct eye contact, when it's something that is like the phrase good girl you don't really often hear that just in like day-to-day conversation it does have that heightened connotation to it, especially now. If someone were to call you good girl out of context, it would still raise that flag versus someone saying, oh, you look so pretty. That can have sort of that flipped context. So, starting off, if you're listening to this, you're probably a step ahead. There's probably something that you've heard that has set off that little thing in your head that's like, oh, this is something. That light bulb went off. You had that moment, so thinking about what that was and taking it from there to sort of build off of.

Lisa Finn: 11:04

Like I said earlier, there are so many different ways that we can give and receive praise. So is it being called a nickname? Is it being called good girl? Is it being called my little kitten, my pet? Is it being called a pretty little slut? What is it that does that for you? Or is it not necessarily a name? Not about who you are to this person, but about how good of a job you're doing, or something like how you're doing things, the actions you are so good at. Blank, blank, blank. You do so well when you blank. For me it could be how you look, how you sound, how you taste. What element of it is something that you want to hear. Maybe you don't want to hear anything about your looks. You just want to hear how good you're doing. You want that affirmation to know you're making your partner feel good. You want that praise in terms of what they're feeling. So taking it and running from there.

Annette Benedetti: 12:36

So my next question would be how does someone know they have a praise kink? What are some signs Like? Obviously I just shared my story and that was the first kind of flag that went up, but I didn't think at the time, I was just like, oh yeah well maybe I really needed some praise. What was the thought? But how would somebody know? Oh, I have a praise kink.

Lisa Finn: 12:59

Usually it'll start with someone that you're attracted to. So maybe it's a partner, maybe it's someone that you find hot like a celebrity or whatever it is. Whatever already turns you on Hearing that person say something affectionate, say something in that frame of praise or adoration, even worship. If that's something that, as soon as that comes out of their mouth, you feel that chill down and respond. You feel yourself just wanting to hear that again. You want to know what you can do to hear that again. You want to pull that and elicit it however you want. Maybe you were having a non-heated, non-sexual conversation with someone that you were sexually attracted to or someone that you already have some sort of a sexual or intimate relationship with, and in that moment that they said something, it again sort of had that moment of oh God, that was really hot. I did not expect that. But here we are.

Annette Benedetti: 14:05

And I read something interesting about the praise kink and I'm curious about your thought on this. I read that people who have the love language of words of affection as one of their top love languages are more likely to have a relationship or have a praise kink. I am number one, number one love language for me, Like I'm a word girl, just like. Give them to me give them to me, so what are your thoughts on that?

Lisa Finn: 14:38

Yeah, absolutely. Words of affirmation as well as acts of service. This could be a verbal act of service. So words of affirmation just being that you like to hear, just no questions asked. This is something that is being explicitly stated to you that you are something positive to the person that is giving you these words, or that you want to tell your person how positive your interaction or your relationship is. So, providing those words of affirmation, having that level of really making sure that the other one is aware, it's about that awareness. It's about using that to convey that love, that affection, that adoration, that intimacy. Because when we use language, it is a little bit more direct. Maybe we aren't as good at picking up on things like body language, on things like cues. Maybe someone could send you a thousand pictures all day and you're like well, I don't know, is this because they think that I'm hot? Is this, if you get that language that says, hey, I think that you're hot? There's no questions there. It's right out in the open.

Annette Benedetti: 15:59

Right, right, I mean send the pictures, but maybe with the praise, and you earned this, yeah, so I'm doing a video instead. Yeah, videos. Step it up from the photo to the video. The only problem with the videos is they don't always come across. I have an Android, don't judge me. You've got the Android to Apple. Do you have an Android too? So you gotta get on one of the apps. You gotta get on the WhatsApp or the Telegram so you get those clear.

Lisa Finn: 16:32

Listen, if you're doing something kinky enough, you wanna be on an encrypted service anyway. So yes, you do.

Annette Benedetti: 16:38

Not that I am, but maybe I always tell myself, well, if something gets out, I'm pretty sure it will only improve my career. Same yeah, so okay. So we talked about the psychology behind it a little bit and how it's different from just enjoying compliments. Can we talk a little bit about how it ties into the DOM sub-relationship A? Does it always B? What does that look like?

Lisa Finn: 17:15

Yeah, I actually I wanna take a step back really quick because I liked what you just said about sort of the psychology of it. I think something that's really important to note here is that this form of kink can be very therapeutic but it's not therapy. So for some people, the praise kink could be filling a void that they feel maybe they didn't get enough praise. Maybe again they need that verbal affirmation to know that they're good. Maybe it's like an imposter syndrome thing. Maybe with humiliation that comes into something that was part of an experience, whether it was positive or traumatic. So, keeping in mind that, while kink can be therapeutic, it's not therapy. So throughout this I'm gonna be talking about the ways that these can connect psychologically, emotionally, mentally, but you wanna make sure that you're in the right headspace and doing this with the right person, which leads into the DOM sub-dynamic. You should always have that trust between these two parties because, though dominant and submissive dynamic is about control, it's about yielding control and taking control. The person who yields that control the submissive still does have control because it's consensual. They have the control of giving that to their dominant. You want to have that trust and know that this is coming from a place of care, whether it's praise or whether it's degradation, that this is something, that the dynamic is again consensual.

Lisa Finn: 18:49

It's going both ways, with dominance and submission and praise kinks.

Lisa Finn: 18:53

In particular, the control sort of comes from the idea of the control of pleasure.

Lisa Finn: 19:02

So going off of the idea of you're being so good, maybe instead of oh, you're being so good, it's you're being so good for me, you look so good for me when you do this to me, I love it.

Lisa Finn: 19:17

These are all things that that dominant is now taking it and making it theirs. Maybe you are not just being called good girl, you're being called my good girl, and that can have a totally different dynamic to it. It can also be a good way for a dominant and a submissive to connect if they're in a heavier scene, to remind the submissive that the dominant cares for them, that even if they are just absolutely bringing down like a full, hard spank, they've got them tied up, gagged in a position that may seem humiliating or really exposing or really vulnerable, especially having that moment to come back and affirm your partner that even if you are spanking them, even if you are tying them up, even if you are participating in, let's say, snm, something that has that extra sort of physical aspect of intensity to it, using praise to remind them not only that they're doing a good job, but that you are there for them and that this is all happening out of a place of care and mutual pleasure.

Annette Benedetti: 20:34

I love that. That makes sense to me While we're in this conversation and you brought up the therapeutic part of it before we move forward, and while discussing the dom sub-dynamic, what are some of the reasons, whether you are the one who gets off on giving the praise or receiving the praise, that might have helped manifest this kink inside of you.

Lisa Finn: 21:03

Yeah. So I mean, we can always have that moment of sort of like psychological evaluation where we're going back to an instance of something having happened to us. Right, Maybe we got a lot of praise when we were younger and we absolutely fed on that. Maybe you were top of the class, you've got a gold star, you went nuts for it, and now that's sort of like taking place in a sexual dynamic. You just love hearing what a good job they're doing. It eggs you on, it makes you want to keep going.

Lisa Finn: 21:39

Maybe you didn't get that praise and so hearing it in the bedroom is just really affirming your place with this person. As we were talking about words of affirmation, maybe it's just a matter of needing to know where you stand. If your praise kink is coming from a place of self-consciousness, that's fine, that's okay. You can need or want this kink to make sure that you and your partner are both enjoying what you're doing. It can act as a form of consent. It can act as a form of checking in. It can be your green light with someone to be able to pass this praise kink back and forth.

Annette Benedetti: 22:23

I think that that's really interesting how you I think a lot of people whenever the word kink comes up, feel like it's something that manifests from a negative space or something you are lacking or a place of something that's missing, and it's interesting that you point out it could actually be just something that you really enjoyed and had a lot of when you were younger.

Annette Benedetti: 22:51

Being kinky does not have to be associated with trauma or with something that was missing or something negative that happened in your youth. It can be just something that really turns you on. That was fantastic that you experienced in the past, and I feel like that's a little bit of a myth about kink. Anything that's kinky, that oh, it comes from this place of something terrible that happened to you in the past. No, no, we're all like pleasure filled creatures who like to explore pleasure in ways that go outside of convention, and conventionality is just a set of expectation and rules that were put on sex by certain people to control everybody else who enjoyed something outside of it. So kink is just breaking outside of that, that really oppressive conventional sexual structure.

Lisa Finn: 23:51

And you know what I'm gonna say, something that I truly believe, and some people might fight beyond this, but I truly believe it. I don't think you need to have a reason to have a kink. I don't think that there has to be any reason behind it other than that you like it. Maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with the praise. Maybe you just like having vocal sex, maybe you just like talking during sex, and that's the thing that feels right to say in that moment. I cannot explain to you why I like whiskey. I just know that I like it and that's it. It doesn't have to be anything deeper. I don't have to be like oh well, I'm Irish, I have to like nope, I just like it, that's it. And that could be you and any form of kink. It could just be. I know that this turns me on. Let's try it Right.

Annette Benedetti: 24:34

Right, and I agree with you. I do think I always ask the question what are some of the reasons people might be into this? Because I feel like people feel a need to understand the origins of things that fall outside of the norm within their own interest, and especially sex. But I agree also, fox.

Lisa Finn: 24:52

Oh, absolutely.

Annette Benedetti: 24:53

It doesn't really matter, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with your kink. Just get kinky and enjoy it.

Lisa Finn: 25:00

Absolutely.

Annette Benedetti: 25:02

So, but now you've got some ideas about things that might have like lit up that kink praise dynamic with you. So you've talked a little bit about how the praise kink plays out within a DOM sub dynamic. But the praise kink doesn't always have to come with impact play right. Sometimes there's no impact at all, it's just in the middle of sex. You want to hear these things and you want to be able to tell people these things, correct, yeah?

Lisa Finn: 25:36

And like you sort of told yourself, you sort of told your story before. It doesn't even have to happen during sex. Like your moment came via text message, like that was unexpected. That wasn't in the middle of a scene, that wasn't in the middle of play, maybe the conversation that you were having wasn't even sexually charged. I don't think it was Praise.

Lisa Finn: 25:54

Kinks can exist in any sort of space. So you know, you can have it happen during this BDSM dynamic. But it can also just be a part of and I'm using air quotes here vanilla sex. Right, it doesn't even need to be that. It could be you know your partner hyping you up before you go out. It could be something as simple as there is a word that gets you going, like I call everyone babe, my friends, people that I've just met, everyone is babe. But to me, baby is something that when I get called that, it makes me wild. It's something that in that context is ping. There's that word.

Lisa Finn: 27:35

For me, again, it's about the dynamic, it's about the context that we use it in. So looking at that and figuring out really what the praise is. It can exist in any of those spaces. It can exist in foreplay, it can exist in deep, deep, intense kink. It can exist in aftercare. Aftercare is actually a really, really good place to put praise, whether it's as a kink or as a way to sort of re-center after a more intense scene or just after having sex. You want to get back into that headspace of a non-kinky or non-sexualized headspace. You want to get back to wherever your baseline level is.

Annette Benedetti: 28:22

Now let's look at when you want to start playing with praise and some light. Let's just say light BDS and let's say borderline vanilla BDSM. Can we talk a little bit about what that would look like? I know for myself. When I'm in a dom roll, I really like to play with praise and spanking, right Like praising someone for how many times they were able to handle me, spanking them or telling them what to do and having them do it and spanking them if they're not doing a good job and then praising them when they do, or anything like that. But I would love for you to sort of like map that out in a more sexpert way that I possibly can.

Lisa Finn: 29:17

I mean, you nailed it, but I definitely will delve into it a tiny bit more Telling your partner how well they're doing complimenting someone's sexual play. So you're doing such a good job. You're taking that so well for me. You look so good when you're bent over my lap. Whatever it is that you're giving them in that praise that is over the overall dynamic, or it could be that praise to push. It could be part of that dominating dynamic where you are pushing them using that praise. You're doing so well, but I know you could do even better. I know you could take even more than that. Why don't you show me how much you could do, taking notes, all of that?

Annette Benedetti: 30:00

Is everyone taking notes? Because I've got taken my fucking notes right now.

Lisa Finn: 30:06

Fantastic. So using that to push forward, this could be an interesting place to put that degradation in as well. So instead of you're doing so well, I know you could do even better, get rid of that. You're doing so well. I know you could take more. I know you could do so much better. Why don't you show me what you could do? Is this enough, all of these ways to push and make them earn that praise Again? Consensual dynamic, but having it be that push that. Show me that you deserve for me to tell you how good of a job you're doing, how pretty you look. Tell me that you can bring me to that place and sort of have that control there where you're pulling that praise out of your dumb.

Annette Benedetti: 31:02

Yep, that's my kink, Just solidified. Now, that's fine, wow, yep, that's it. Let me recenter for a moment of my questions.

Lisa Finn: 31:15

That is it.

Annette Benedetti: 31:18

All right, all right, so that's hot shit, right? Does anyone not have this kink Cause like I don't get it? But so let's talk about. You just kind of did a little bit of a juxtaposition with the degradation, the praise. That's what I was gonna come back to you and this is where we can bring in. Now I want to do a full podcast with you on the humiliation kink because it's a deep discussion and I don't want to do that all here. But I do want to maybe discuss the humiliation kink a little bit and how it does, and you just did some example of it. But can you kind of give us a very quick one-on-one on the humiliation kink and how it can sort of be what seems like like almost a twin sister or brother to the praise kink?

Lisa Finn: 32:16

Yeah. So what I think is really interesting is the fact that we can have a mix of feelings, even ones that feel like they're mutually exclusive, like you can feel disgust and arousal at the same time. You can feel shame and arousal at the same time. Shame again, giant air quotes there around this, because this is all part of a consensual and wanted experience. It's about sort of taking this idea of humiliation, taking this idea of degradation and having the control of the dialogue in that way, With praise and humiliation as a mix. Maybe you have your praise is being called a pretty little slut or such a good slut.

Annette Benedetti: 33:06

And that would be a mix of the two right Pretty little, and then the slut. That is a mix of yeah. So it's so interesting to me, as you say this, and I think of my own experience with it, because I've had people, non-consensually, without a discussion ahead of time, call me that I'm all excited at the beginning and then they slip slut in and I'm like I feel like we need to talk about what that means for me right now, and so that's interesting.

Annette Benedetti: 33:36

Now understanding myself more, You're showing and explaining that that is, you got the praise at the top which is here, and then it drops you into a light humiliation.

Lisa Finn: 33:49

Or you can even have all humiliation, but how much different it is when it becomes possessive. So pulling someone a filthy little slut versus my filthy little slut, it's a totally different context. It's that idea of having something that your, a filthy little slut is, existing in your own space. This is all you, my filthy little slut, is. I love that you're a filthy little slut. I am taking ownership of you in that space and that could be really empowering. I mentioned this before.

Lisa Finn: 34:23

It has to come from a place of someone who cares about you. It has to come with that negotiation beforehand, even with praise. Maybe you really like being called pretty or hot, but the word cute is too tweaked for you and you don't want it. This all needs to happen in your pre-negotiations. Say the words that you like, dabble with it outside of a sexualized context so that you have that opportunity. And even if you aren't doing anything that has any sort of physical play to it, make a safe word. Make a safe word. Have your stoplights in play, so your red, for stop. Your yellow, for we need to take a pause. Your green for keep going. Have those in play, especially when we're looking at humiliation. Or even with praise if we're just like absolutely barraging and inundating someone with praise, it could be overwhelming. Is your response something that might be a red flag outside of this play, but it is part of what you want out of the scene.

Lisa Finn: 35:26

Maybe with humiliation you are going to cry, but you want that. You want that cathartic cry. You want that to be a part of this. It's something that is part of the kink for you. Maybe you and your partner have decided that they're not gonna stop until you tell them to. You need to make sure that you have that word in place. That's going to be that hard stop.

Lisa Finn: 35:52

And with that I mentioned before aftercare. Right, what is that gonna look like After you get a barrage of praise? Maybe afterwards you just wanna be spoken to in a purely just like almost platonic dynamic where you're taking a step back from the space. Maybe after a humiliation scene, you need to be praised, you need to be reminded that you know that was so good. How are you feeling All of that going back into that tender sort of voice? It's really whatever brings you back to that baseline. Not saying that after a heavy praise scene you should just come out of it and be like well, you're stupid Doesn't necessarily have to be a balance like that. It's just about getting someone back to that positive baseline.

Annette Benedetti: 36:37

Right, okay, yeah, that makes a lot of sense and I like the praise kink and even the humiliation kink. It's interesting how the words like you really have to know your words and how to use them in the moment. Right, I was thinking about how you were showing slightly switching upwards the magnitude of the impact that can have, especially in an intense kink scene or in a sexual setting. It's not something you can just like, get crazy and start throwing out words and not risk, you know, crossing over someone's boundaries, so it would take some practice.

Lisa Finn: 37:24

I would imagine right.

Lisa Finn: 37:27

Yeah, absolutely. So it could be so many different things. You know, is your praise? Do you mind gendered terms Like do you wanna hear good girl, good boy? Do you like possessive terms like pet or kitten or something that could be seen as degrading and I'm saying could be seen because there are some people that see these words strictly as positive but something like play thing, something like slut right. Do you want to hear honorifics? Do you wanna be held on a pedestal worshiped? Do you want to be called a goddess, sir, ma'am, yes, chef, whatever it is that does it for you. Maybe you don't wanna be called names. Maybe, again, you want someone to compliment your sexual play.

Lisa Finn: 38:17

I love when you use your tongue like that. You're doing so well for me. You make me so hot, you make me so wet, so hard. I never get tired of the way you look, all of these things. Maybe you wanted to be just about your physical traits. So you look so good on your knees. Listen to you, moan. You look so pretty when you're all spread out for me, using all of these words.

Lisa Finn: 38:39

Break out your thesaurus, go for it, find those words and say them out loud and see which ones, when they roll off of your tongue, feel good to say, or when you hear them out loud, make you go ooh, ooh, I like that a lot. Read some erotica. Erotica is a really, really great way to explore kink language, praise, dirty talk, because erotica depends on language. You don't have like with video porn. Even audio porn does have this as well, but you may not get that direct language, because erotica is going to be dependent on that. They are describing every little thing that's going on. So reading some erotica and taking some inspiration from there, I love that.

Annette Benedetti: 39:33

I love that. This is definitely my thing. All right, so can we start to talk about some of the tools you can bring into? We've talked about taught. You've given our listeners right now tons of great verbal tools to bring into the bedroom and to test out. But let's kind of push it a little bit further. Let's talk about a toolbox. Let's talk about some toys that we I love toys and I feel like you know. I like to think that most people can benefit from adding, adding some play things to their play time. What are some toys that go well with this kink? What are some, what's some equipment you could start integrating into the experience?

Lisa Finn: 40:19

One of my favorite tools to go along with praise, especially if we're talking about a praise kink in a kinky sort of like BDSM context is a collar. Yes, a collar denotes ownership and it has that moment of sort of that that claiming, like I was saying before, you know, being called a filthy little slut versus being called my filthy little slut. You put this on and that word my is right there. It is absolutely sort of shown through this. There's also that extra control. You know, our neck is something that is a very intimate space. It is something that is very delicate, and so having something around your neck, whether it's a hand collar or a physical collar, having something there, it's going to be prominent, it's going to be something that you feel. You compare it with a leash or maybe some rope and have it as a way to sort of move your partner's head up and down so that you can demand that they look at you while you praise them.

Lisa Finn: 41:23

Eye contact and praise together. Chef Kiss, having those sort of that dynamic will become even more heightened. So using a collar as a tool to pull somebody up and grab that attention from them can really make those words more potent. It's almost like when we're talking to somebody face to face versus on the phone or even on video chat. That connection via eye contact can really really level things up. So a collar also just like super cute. Definitely not above wearing a collar just for the sake of fashion.

Annette Benedetti: 42:01

Yeah, because collars come in all different sizes, shapes, colors. I've definitely I've had a couple of experiences where the colors that I was given were too thick and uncomfortable and took me out of the moment and the experience. But then smaller ones for me because I also like sort of some sensual touch can give that sensation and the pressure without it being too much and just uncomfortable. And then they are cute. They can be real sexy.

Lisa Finn: 42:38

Absolutely. And yeah, you know what you were saying with that feeling comfortable. That could be part of the kink too. If you have opted in to having an uncomfortable collar, maybe that's part of it. Maybe you're earning, maybe you're earning your ability to take it off. So all of these can be brought to that dynamic. I talked a little bit about rope with a collar, so I'm just going to talk about rope on its own now.

Lisa Finn: 43:04

So rope, I think, can go really really well with praise, not only for the active bondage, but because of the time and the intention that it takes to tie somebody up. It's not like with restraints where you're just buckling them on or strapping them on or whatever it is. You're taking the time on your partner, you're feeling their body. Maybe you're working with Shabari and you're taking this moment to sort of create art on your partner's body. You know that is a form of praise, that's a form of worship. You are using their body as a canvas for art. You are taking new time to tie them up. You're communicating throughout as this is happening. Rope can be a really, really intimate experience. And so, pairing some Shabari, even some simple knots, whatever you're doing with this rope, dragging it across their skin, you can, by the way, right now you can.

Annette Benedetti: 43:59

Actually, if you are watching this, you'll see the rope. She's holding up some rope. It's. Is that red? It's like a burgundy, a sexy burgundy. Yeah, it's like a.

Lisa Finn: 44:07

This is like a deep maroon red. So this one is made out of a nylon blend nylon blend material. I really like it because it's super soft and slick. I am not always great with getting out of knots, so having something like this like it holds the knots really well, but it also comes apart super easy. So if you are new to the rope world or if you just don't want to break a nail, nylon rope is really good. Yes, love that. So also, if you are not a rope person, I just love talking about this thing. This is a set of under the bed restraints, so it's definitely come, come and come and look at this one, guys.

Annette Benedetti: 44:57

If you're interested in restraints, you definitely want to look at this one. I don't have this, but I do want this.

Lisa Finn: 45:05

Oh, it's very good, especially if, like you, are traveling or if you're not a person that has, like a rod iron bed frame. What it has is straps that go underneath the mattress, and the special edition one goes up to a California King, which is really nice, and so those straps can go underneath the mattress and then you just hook on your cuffs. It has eight connection points sorry, six connection points and four cuffs, so you can have your partner fully spread out in whatever position feels the most comfortable. You could also just use the cuffs on their own. I really like the under the bed restraints if you want to hide your kink wear very quickly, because you could just tuck it right under the mattress so you always have it ready to go. You don't have to worry about rigging something up. You don't have to worry about, you know, breaking everything out. It's just a matter of pulling the straps out of mattress and hooking on the cuffs.

Lisa Finn: 45:59

Love, something can be it. Having something like that too, where it's across the bed, having somebody spread out, being exposed like that, being in that space that's so vulnerable, can be a really cool headspace to play with praise in Having someone being so exposed like that and telling them how pretty they are, telling them how good they look, spread out like that, playing with the humiliation, letting them know that they're so pretty when they're helpless, letting them know that possession over them that you may have when they're in that moment of being completely restrained, completely tied down, can be a really hot way to play with that praise kink, whether it's full praise or praise with degradation.

Annette Benedetti: 46:50

Can you tell me about the cuffs on that? Are those velcro cuffs that are with that particular? It's by sports sheets.

Lisa Finn: 46:57

Yeah, so there are two versions of it. The one that I have they are vegan leather cuffs and they have like physical metal hardware on them. So okay, I'm trying to hear it there, but the original under the bed restraint set is just nylon with velcro, so those are really easy to put on and off and the benefit to that over the leather ones is that because they lay flat, you could just tuck those right under the bed too. But I personally love the look and the feel and the smell of the fake leather and the little gold hardware just makes me feel like so, like famine bougie. So my preference is the special edition set but the original set if you want something just like quick and ready to go On and off, on and off If you're just starting with restraint play.

Annette Benedetti: 47:49

Certainly. I think the velcro ones are great because first of all, they're soft for the person that you're putting them on and then also, if you aren't well versed at getting anything off, they come right off when you want them to. But then you can work your way up to and machine washable and machine washing is yes, exactly.

Lisa Finn: 48:16

So just a couple more tools that I wanted to show. We were talking about impact play a lot, so I'd be remiss not to talk about an impact tool. So this is an acrylic paddle and this is a mean paddle. So acrylic is just like a hard plastic. So when you hit somebody with this, not only is it going to give you a really good sound, but that's not going anywhere. That is just a hard wherever you hit. That is what it is. Already, my hand is tingling, so something like this I have not seen one of those before.

Annette Benedetti: 48:49

I have not seen an acrylic paddle. It's shiny too, I'm pretty.

Lisa Finn: 48:53

This one has a little bow tie on it too. It's part of a set that comes with I'm going to show this to a little like gag that has bows on it and it has a little bow pasties.

Annette Benedetti: 49:05

So the gag is also would be a good tool, yeah.

Lisa Finn: 49:09

So I was going to get into that. So a gag is really good too, because you can sort of have that dynamic of power in who's allowed to speak, who has the power to speak, and pairing that with the praise you can't say anything back when you're in a gag. If you are going to be gagged, though, make sure two very important safety points. One, you have a nonverbal safe word, so, whether it's snaps, claps, taps, dropping a ring of keys, whatever it is that you can do to signal to your partner that you need to get out of the gag, that things need to stop, whatever it is. And also, if you're going to have somebody in a gag, make sure that they're not completely on their back for too long, because they have the ability to choke on their own spit, so make sure that your bottom in a gag is somewhat.

Annette Benedetti: 51:08

On their knees. What?

Lisa Finn: 51:10

That too, you know. That is a very good way to keep elevated, just thought.

Annette Benedetti: 51:13

I'd add to the conversation the great position of that control.

Lisa Finn: 51:17

Pair that gag with that collar, tilt the head up and have direct eye contact with praise. I feel like I'm making a checklist here, but yeah, it sort of gives that dynamic of the power of who is allowed to speak. How are you allowed to respond If you're a person that can't take a compliment? Pair your praise with a gag, because you cannot go ahead and deny that compliment when you've got a giant silicone ball in your mouth. Giant silicone ball in your mouth.

Annette Benedetti: 51:46

I'm just gonna you know, I'm gonna clip just that, the giant silicone ball in your mouth. I love that so much.

Lisa Finn: 51:53

Oh my god, listen, I'm a switch. I can't take a compliment, but I love a praise.

Annette Benedetti: 51:57

Kink, I feel like we're blushing back and forth. It's like this, this, this this might be one of my favorite kink conversations and and it's because they're really I don't know if this was a thing years ago I feel like I haven't really heard about it before and it's so resonant with me. And I think it's interesting because in the past I have said like when it hits humiliation, I've often shied away from it or been like that's not my thing. But then the way that you've shown the word play and how, just in slight ways, you can pair the two so that it heightens everything, depending on what one's relationship to humiliation is, is very interesting to me.

Lisa Finn: 52:57

Yeah, it's. You know there are so many different connections that we can have with this. You know, again, the giving versus the receiving, the whether it's being complimented on what you do, how you look, who you are, what your relationship is. It's not as simple as just, you know, complimenting someone. It could go so so much deeper. There's so many different levels to it in or outside of kink, in or outside of love, in and outside of romance, in or outside of intimacy. All of these things can either coexist or just be completely separate, and I think that that's one of the things that's the most hot about praise.

Annette Benedetti: 53:48

Yeah, yeah, and I love how we've talked a little bit about how you can integrate a little bit of restraint and is new to impact. You can start with light impact and then praise on how well they take it, how they do with it, but you don't have to do any of that. So, yeah, I mean I'd like to do a little bit of all of it, but are there any other tools that you have there, or have we gone through them? I mean?

Lisa Finn: 54:23

that would be my selection.

Annette Benedetti: 54:27

A strap on would be like praising someone for how much they can take it if you're a vulva owner and giving it to another person.

Lisa Finn: 54:35

Yeah, really anything. You know, I have my magic wand proudly displayed behind me.

Annette Benedetti: 54:41

Oh yeah.

Lisa Finn: 54:42

You know that's a super powerful vibrator. Maybe you are praising someone for how long they can handle such intense sensation on themselves. You know, maybe you're praising someone for how well they use a toy on you. Maybe you're the bottom and you're praising them for how well they spank you, for how well they are tying you up. You know all of these different things. Praise can exist anywhere. Praise can exist with anything.

Annette Benedetti: 55:09

This makes me think of you know what I like when I'm topping, what I really get off on Making them think me Like that is a form of praise yeah, I guess I haven't even thought about that. Like the other end of it is and I will literally be like you need to thank me. That is one of my things. I really get off on them just going on and on about how grateful they are.

Lisa Finn: 55:35

Asking for it or begging for it is also a form of praise, because you are basically saying this is something that I really want, and I really want it from you right now.

Annette Benedetti: 55:50

Yep, like that. All right, we're getting to that time. Let's ask the ultimate question. Somebody who's here right now is obviously there Like maybe that's my thing. How do we start to talk to our partners about this one? And in a way that they're not just like? You know, I could see a part. I mean, I don't see a partner being like, oh, that's the weirdest thing ever, but I could see a partner downplaying it or just not getting it and being like I tell you you're pretty all the time. I can totally see that being the response. Well, I always tell you how gorgeous you are. I always tell you you know what? That kind of response. So how do you explain yeah, I need more, and I need it in this kinky situation.

Lisa Finn: 56:39

I mean, there's always the option to just explicitly say like hey, this is something that I'd really like, but you can also ease into it by asking. So you know, like asking. You know, how do you? How do you feel when I do this? Or do you like how I look here? Do you like how I do this? Tell me, what specifically do you like If someone uses a word of praise outside of a kinky situation, maybe you just go up to them again, if you have this established relationship, and be like you know, whisper in their ear, be like I loved when you call me that, call me that again later when we're naked.

Lisa Finn: 57:22

Give them that something to look forward to. And again, like I was saying, praise, kinks are all over the internet right now, all over mainstream media, so maybe watch something together and be like hey, like, how did that make you feel? Ask what words they want to be called, open the conversation by asking about them. You know, would you like it if I called you a good girl, a good boy, sir ma'am, whatever? It is my pretty little play thing. Would you like if I called you that in bed? Does that do anything for you? Do you like talking in bed. Do you like vocalizing in bed? Moning can be a form of praise, so exploring that together. But open it up with a question. It's all verbal, it's all linguistic, so a conversation is really required.

Annette Benedetti: 58:12

It is all linguistic, it's true, all right, and I think maybe also you had mentioned watch reading Erotica with your partner. But even I think, as we were having this conversation, I've thought about hot sex scenes and movies where the thing that really gets people off is that sort of praise dynamic that goes on between the couple, and having the opportunity to watch something like that and then say, hey, hey, that's kind of what I'm talking about, right, might might be helpful.

Lisa Finn: 58:52

Yeah, absolutely Any any way that you can sort of bridge that gap.

Annette Benedetti: 58:57

Listen to this podcast with them Now. If someone wants to start diving into a praise kink with their partner or a partner tomorrow, the next day, let's give them a starter kit. How do they?

Lisa Finn: 59:09

get started. So, going back to what is it that sort of piqued your interest? Why are you here? Why did you tune into this? When we were going throughout this and we were giving all those different examples, did you have that light bulb moment of ooh? That that was something that I want to give a try. That's something that I love hearing coming out of my partner's mouth. That's something that I would love to tell my partner. I have a blog up on Beyblans website where I list a bunch of different examples of things that you can try, even if you're by yourself.

Lisa Finn: 59:44

Just go read them out loud, read them in whatever voice you want. Read them in your day to day voice. Read them in a deep, husky voice. Whisper it. You can even record yourself and listen to yourself saying it. See what feels right coming off of your tongue. Maybe there's something that when you read it, you were like, oh, that's hot. And then, as soon as you say it out loud, you're like I don't actually like the way that that word sounds. So giving yourself the opportunity to think of it as praise, kink, masturbation, right, you're just doing this by yourself and for yourself to see how it feels.

Annette Benedetti: 1:00:20

And if you guys want to receive all of that, I am going to be sending this podcast episode out in an e-news letter. I will make sure to link that blog in the e-news letter so you can just click on it, head to Beybland and read it and start giving those things a try. Yeah, it seems to me that a key to the praise kink is really learning what specific words and what type of praise, and if a little humiliation, like sprinkled in, turns you on, it's really a discovery of exactly what it is that lights you up, which is a journey right, a try and fail at some and then love some of the other things. Correct, absolutely. And if you have a partner then who wants to please you, who wants to be a good partner and engage in this with you, you can give them the list and have them try some of the things with you, see how they feel about it.

Lisa Finn: 1:01:24

Play it's play. You said in my intro that I like to lace humor into everything to remind people that this should be fun. You might say something that makes your partner laugh. You might both have a giggle fit when you realize that a certain word coming out of your mouth just feels so off character for you. That's fine. Yeah, move forward. It doesn't have to be a big deal. You've learned something that's not for you or not for them, and that's okay. You know it's a trial and error. But when that error becomes something that you're like, nope, there it is, you have found it, you have struck gold and you take that and you're wrong with it Right.

Annette Benedetti: 1:02:04

And so, speaking of, I mean, this is all about words and word play and integrating it into sex. And so it's about sex talk and I want to bring that up because I have admitted sometimes I struggle with sex talk. And the good news is Lisa is going to come back and join us. I'm doing a podcast here very soon with her about how to talk sexy sex talk, sex talk one oh one, and she is going to walk us all through that and give us some tips and tricks if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable at verbalizing with your partner and especially if you have a partner who's like, wanting to hear more from you.

Annette Benedetti: 1:02:45

I have y'all might find it strange I have a podcast. Everything I do has to do with words and talking. When it comes to being in bed and sex situations, I definitely I struggle, folks, I struggle. So Lisa's coming back, so I want you to stay tuned in and in the next couple of weeks and she's going to walk us through how to use words in bed, whether praise, humiliation, whatever that might look like. Right, yeah, and I am so excited for that.

Annette Benedetti: 1:03:18

I know it sounds like it's your, one of your strengths.

Lisa Finn: 1:03:22

It is something I enjoy teaching, for sure.

Annette Benedetti: 1:03:25

I love it. Can you let my listeners know where to find anything and everything they want to find out about you and about what you do?

Lisa Finn: 1:03:35

Yeah, absolutely so. Like I said before, I work for a company called Bayland. We have three locations now in New York. We just opened up a new store in Williamsburg, brooklyn, so we've got two in Brooklyn, williamsburg and Park Slope. We've got one on the Lower East Side of Manhattan and then one in Seattle, washington.

Lisa Finn: 1:03:53

A cool thing about our shops is that everyone that works there has gone through sex education training.

Lisa Finn: 1:03:58

So we're there not only to give you the products that you're looking for, but to help you find the right one. It's something that is very near and dear to me, because it's how I wound up in this industry was through someone helping me out when I was at the shop and I said, hey, I want to do this. So definitely come visit us if you can in person. If not, we do have a website. It's Baylandcom, and if you want to read more about Praise Canx or if you want to dabble into one of the other many, many topics that we have online, if you go to Baylandcom backslash babe blog that's going to have dozens of informational pieces, some written by me, some written by a professional sexologist, carol Queen. She's got a PhD in sex, which is the coolest thing I've ever heard. So definitely go check that out. It's free, it's on the website, you can read it, you can peruse and, yeah, I hope that you find something that peaks your interest.

Annette Benedetti: 1:04:56

Yeah, thank you so much for joining us today, and I'm looking forward to our next conversation, and then hopefully, we will get to visit humiliation as well, because I'm sure everybody's a little bit curious and wants to hear more about that. So until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers, cheers, whiskey Sure does.