Sex After a Breakup: Rebounds, Breakup Sex & Healing Your Wounds

Heartbreak is all too familiar for most of us. If you've ever been through a breakup, are going through one, or think one might be in your future, this episode is for you. Join me on my own breakup journey as I chat with the incredible Dr. Stormy Hill, a certified intimacy and relationship coach and founder of Love Deep Lab, as she guides us through healing our wounds and rediscovering our sensual selves.

In this episode, we explore the concept of sacred selfishness, the complexities of post-breakup emotions and habits, examining the neuroscience behind why breakups feel so unsettling and how to heal through those grief-touched moments. We also explore whether breakup sex and rebound sex are healthy or hurtful and Stormy gives us 10 tips for healing your heartache and getting your groove back as fast as you can!

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Chapters

• 0:47 Healing Sensuality After a Breakup
• 15:41 Understanding Breakups and Moving On
• 22:40 Managing Urgency in Breakups
• 32:37 Breakup Sex and Rebound Sex
• 43:29 Reclaiming and Rediscovering Your Sensuality
• 49:35 Reclaiming Sensuality After a Breakup
• 1:03:26 Healing and Conscious Dating in 10 Steps
• 1:10:06 Love and Growth in Relationships

Transcript

Annette Benedetti: 0:47

Hi, this is Annette Vinedetti, your hostess for a locker room talk and shots, the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk. You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors, while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex, think, fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy, one orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room talk and shots topic is sex after a breakup. We are talking breakup. Sex rebounds, real love and healing wounds.

Annette Benedetti: 1:38

Dear listener, you have been with me about three years and about a year and a half ago you went through a breakup with me and then a makeup, and your girl is back in breakup mode and this time I'm taking the bull by the horns.

Annette Benedetti: 1:54

I mean, I used to think the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else, but I've grown a little, and now I'm looking for real healing and I think we all want to know, when we're in this really tender, yucky phase of a breakup, like, what is the quickest way to get to the other side and back to banging the way we want to. I am not qualified to answer that. However, I do have someone with me who I think can give us lots of the answers. We are speaking.

Annette Benedetti: 2:24

My guest today is Dr Stormy Hill. She is a certified intimacy and relationship coach and the founder of Love Deep Lab. She coaches men, women and couples to have more power and passion in all areas of their lives. She is also the owner of two occupational therapy businesses focusing on mental health and substance abuse disorders. She combines the knowledge from her medical degree, her coaching certifications, her experience as a mental health occupational therapist and her 15 year practice in breath work, yoga and sacred sexuality. So welcome, dr Stormy. Can you tell my listeners just a little bit more about you?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 3:10

Hi, I'm so happy to be here. Thanks so much for having me. I love this topic. It is like you mentioned it's tender, it's amazing, it's challenging, it's all of the things. I'm super excited to dive into this with you. But, yeah, thank you so much for having me. This work is my passion Helping people reclaim their sensuality, reclaim their sexiness, their aliveness, not set all phases. Whether you're in partnership or just going through a breakup or post divorce or happily married, in all the phases, how do we be in reclamation of our power, our sensuality, our sexual energy, all of the things, no matter where we are in our life transitions and phases. So I do men's, women and couples coaching in this space around intimacy, communications, relationships. And then, as you mentioned in my bio, I have other businesses that I do occupational therapy, mindfulness, life skills, executive functioning that sort of coaching in that space.

Annette Benedetti: 4:08

Well, I'm excited about this conversation and listener. First of all, I want to remind you you can go to my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti and you can actually watch this interview and see who our guest is. But I also want to remind you that it's important to stay to the end, especially in this conversation, because at the end of this podcast, dr Stormy is going to give us all of us 10 tips for healing and reclaiming our sensuality after a breakup, after a divorce. I mean and I am imagining correct me if I'm wrong that these tips can be used in all sorts of situations where grief is affecting your ability to be in touch with your sensual self.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 4:56

Emily, yeah, well said right. Grief is its own animal, its own teacher, and it is. Anytime there's a breakup, there is a grieving process, but it also could be like the loss of a partner, like the death of a partner, right Any of those transitional places. These are some really powerful tips to help you to heal.

Annette Benedetti: 5:14

Yes, so I'm excited about this conversation. I'm having coffee today. What time is? I am in Portland and it is noon. I am still drinking coffee, because that's my life. How about you?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 5:26

It is one o'clock here. I'm in Costa Rica and I'm drinking a cocktail at the moment that will, at five o'clock, switch to cocktails.

Annette Benedetti: 5:34

I want to be in Costa Rica mocktailing it up with you. Well let's raise our glasses. Let's get ready to talk about sex Cheers. So I'm just going to dive in with a person has just had a breakup, like because I'm thinking about the day of for me, what is and I know this is a big question, but what is your advice? Like the first thing that person should do.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 6:05

Yeah, that's a really beautiful question. So I feel you're, I'm holding you tenderly and that you're. You know, in the acute post of war opposed breakup moments, those are very tender moments but you know, I think it's what comes to mind is just like up leveling your self care. Because when in these really tender you first few moments, hours, days after a breakup really because it can be easily, the self care can drop to the bottom of the to do list, particularly when we're hurting. Right, because we think of self care as like a spa day or something. That's great, but it actually means taking care of yourself in all ways physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, all the ways, right. So what can you do that feels good to you to take care of you? And really asking yourself that question, probably multiple times throughout the day in those first few days, and instead of letting yourself care drop to the bottom of the to do list, I really encourage you to like pop it up to the top.

Annette Benedetti: 7:03

I love that. That is true. I think the last time I went through the breakup with the same person I went through this time. I mean, I just my self care and from things like just bathing every day and wearing something pretty, and there's something empowering about putting extra attention into yourself. In your experience, when you work with people in the post breakup space, what are some of the first things you see happening to a person going through that, especially when it comes to the connection with their own sensuality, sexuality and so on?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 7:51

Yeah, so I think there can be. You know, our culture is really we're really good at avoiding pain, right? We do it in lots of ways, whether it's substances or alcohol, drugs, whether it's social media, or we're indulging, food, gambling, porn, like these are all ways that we use to medicate, to not feel the pain. So probably, you know, contrary to you know, if you read about breakups, a lot of people say stay really busy. And while I do think it's good to stay a certain degree busy, I actually, like what I see is people numbing to the pain, right, because it hurts.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 8:28

It's like a heartbreak for a reason. It is a visceral, cellular experience. You know, it is a pretty universal experience for most people and it doesn't make it suck any less when you're going through it to know that it's universal, right. So the more like that we I really see, like often a shutting down, right. So I'm good, I'm good, I'm fine, I'm gonna stay super busy, I'm gonna dive into work or I'm going to call an old fling or whatever it might be, which I'm sure, like you mentioned, we'll get into rebound sex and break up sex. But you know, it's really to seeing that, like that contraction in. I don't want to feel this, this hurts. So here's the things I'm going to consciously and unconsciously do to not feel, and that totally just makes you human. Pain is hard, but the more you can lean into the pain, the quicker you will move through it.

Annette Benedetti: 9:48

Is that true? I mean, you hear that a lot and certainly in my own experience right now. I've been doing work where, like when the pain comes on, I like sit with it and I think about well, where do I, where am I feeling it in my body, what is that? And I allow myself that. And then there comes a time when I'm like, all right now I need to like set it aside and do something. But beautiful. Can you explain why it's important to connect with the pain and why avoiding and numbing and disassociating from it slows down the process?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 10:25

Yeah, really great question. So I think you know we're not involved enough to just numb to the hard stuff pain and heartbreak and suffering, grief Like we won't. So when we numb to those things which again is understandable, right, who is like, oh, I love the pain and pain is a powerful teacher, but she's a she can be a bitch too, right, it can be so painful, right. So when we numb to the hard things, we also numb to bliss, joy, orgasm, pleasure, right. So we, you know, just, and that kind of helps to have that cognitive understanding that when we numb to hard things we are also numbing to, like the yumminess and the awesomeness in our life, and so that's sort of what happens. But the you know the reason why I always encourage, right, there's like the cliches, right, feel to heal and their cliches because they're true, right. So you have to move through the emotion and really comes back to like a lot of the most recent work in the last 13 years on trauma, right.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 11:24

So a breakup is a grief, a grieving process. It's a deconstruction process. It's going to be very destabilizing, even if it's a good choice, like if it's a healthy choice for you. That doesn't make it hurt less necessarily, but really, when we get stuck in an emotion, that's when it causes us problems, right, either we swim around in it, we percolate in it, or it gets lodged in our body, right, and now we know that trauma literally is stored in our body, and so you may. There may be traumatic aspects to your breakup. There may not be, but that grief, right, we can get stuck in grief. We can get stuck in any of the stages of grieving. Actually, we can get stuck in. It's not a linear process to move through. One day you might be in one phase of grieving, in the next day or even three hours later on a different phase of grieving. So, educating yourself about that and then knowing that, as you let yourself feel, you will like the emotions will change, they will shift, like that is the one thing I like. The weather, right. Emotions come and go, even when you feel like they are stuck, even when you feel like this will never end. I'm going to feel like this forever. Right, that isn't true, that's that reactive place.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 12:41

But you also mentioned in that which I love, is that like, you know that you, so you can want it. You can want it to like go away. But you also have, and you said you're practicing where you feel it. But you also can say, okay, I'm going to put it aside for now to do X, y or Z. So that's a really beautiful self-nourishing practice, right?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 12:58

I think of it like a faucet. You can like dive into the emotion and really feel it. Or you can dial back the faucet and be like I need to put it aside so I can focus on whatever it is I'm doing, right, one of my roles or one of my responsibilities. That's different than sweeping it under the rug or pretending it isn't there. So I really love that thought.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 13:16

You that introspection. You had the wisdom you had that you can dial it up and dial it down. You don't have to just stay in it. You can self, you can be nourishing and resourcing for yourself to dive in when you really can.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 13:29

Like I, when I was going through a breakup, I would give myself times just to like stomp, yell, cry, scream, pound a pillow, all these things.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 13:36

And then same thing. I was like okay, now I need to go to my single mom duties and to my work. You know my business owner duties. But I knew I had like moved it through and if you look at the animal kingdom. We're one of the older people like, if you like, your, let's say, you know something's being Gazelle's being chased by a lion or something, right, and even if they are in the fawn or the freeze response, as soon as the threat is gone, they, they stand up and they shake it off and then they run away, right. So when we, when we don't allow it to move through that's when it gets stuck we don't do that like figurative shake it off and shake it out, right. And so the more you can let yourself move all the way through whatever emotion it is you're feeling anger, blame, resentment, shame, sadness, grief, all the things that are common in a breakup the quicker you will move into different states of feeling and being.

Annette Benedetti: 14:27

Speaking of moving through.

Annette Benedetti: 14:29

So I am over on TikTok and have been.

Annette Benedetti: 14:33

You know I posted one video about breaking up and the algorithm did its thing and suddenly I'm inundated with everybody's breakup stories and one thing I've noticed is the first thing people who are in newly broken up situations do is usually go to the stage of like how do I get them back? And usually it's in this you know, this person has not been good to them, has not, and they're just like well, maybe if I did this, then they would have loved me more. Maybe if I had done that, maybe they would treat me. So how do I get them back and then change myself to be whatever they need to love me the way I want them to, which I think it's so heartbreaking. This is not my personal situation, but I do know it's a common place for people to go to post breakup mode. What are your thoughts on that? What's your advice for people who find themselves like even if they chose to leave the relationship because they knew it wasn't good for them, and then suddenly they're like you know, I need that back.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 15:41

Right, and that's a really great question. Like you know, it's interesting. So if I look at my own breakup histories and you know there's been more than one in my life, I have tattoos like that almost always represents something I learned in my post breakup. My mother literally calls it my post breakup tattoos. So they tell a story for sure. But you know you mentioned like you might even be the one to have chosen or led on the leading, on the shifting of the closing of that relationship, and you still might find yourself some degree of days later, or even months later, to be like I think I want them back or did I make the right choice or did I make a mistake? Right, that's totally normal and your question about why we do that, I think is really is really multifactorial.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 16:25

One is that a relationship becomes a pattern and some degree of a habit Good, bad, ugly, fabulous and everything in between. It becomes familiar and our brain loves to label familiar as safe, as good. It's literally like survival tactic wired in our biology. So know that, like in your breakup, you are likely going, it's likely going to be uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar, but the more you can tell yourself that unfamiliar does not mean bad. It simply just means unfamiliar, like to your brain, to your nervous system. The more you'll be able to just hang in there in the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable, right, it can be like, oh, I'm really missing this person. Well, yeah, they had a huge role in your life, or however long they did, and now there's a void there, a space there, and so we can want to fill the space with what we know, even if what we know isn't great for us, right? So that's, that kind of understanding can be helpful, not when you're in a triggered moment, but when you're in a calm moment of processing the grief and the breakup, to know that that is going to happen. That's literally like neurologically wired in us and the brain is amazing and intelligent and fabulous. It is also very basic in some ways and that is one of the ways, right, unfamiliar I'm scanning for danger. I'd like to get out of the feeling of unfamiliarity into comfort, into familiar. So knowing that can be helpful on a cognitive perspective.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 17:56

And then I think, if you have start having those thoughts of you know what could I have done differently? What could I have done differently to have had this person love me in the way I deserve and want to be loved is actually a lovely question, a helpful question. But what could I have done differently to get them back or to make them stay is less helpful because you're externalizing the journey, you're externalizing the work, if that makes any sense. You're saying what could I have done so that they would have done something different, they would have stayed or they would have chosen me or whatever.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 18:25

Your story is painful story. Instead, I just recommend a shift of you know again, knowing that there's a habitual. There can literally be like a cellular habituation, a cellular addiction. That happens in relationships. And I was in an abusive relationship which I share really openly about, and I'm a therapist Like I should have known better, right, so I had so much shame to work through. But there was literally a cellular addiction like the volatility, the passion, the fabulous sex, all that that was included in that relationship was a hook for me on literally like a neurotransmitter level. Until it wasn't, until I had the wisdom and the space and the clarity to say that that is unhealthy, that's not what I choose any longer. And so you know, I think, the more you can and it sounds kind of nerdy and esoteric but the more we understand how habits, how patterns, how our brains work, the more helpful we are to ourselves when we're hurting, and so that's kind of like the nerdy thing about it.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 19:22

And then I think another good reframe is what could I have done so that they stay? Would actually be if, like, would I in a grounded call moment, would I choose this person again? And if the answer is yes, then it's what would I choose? So what about that person specifically would I choose again? Maybe they were really kind, maybe they were really loved, maybe they were honest, okay, followed by what would I not choose again in a next potential partner? Right, so that we tend to put on saint status people in our past, even when they have been not good to us, right? It's just something we do, so we tend to idealize our past relationships. So make sure, when you're noticing about what you would choose, what you enjoy, what you value about that person, that you also follow it with. What would you not choose to repeat again?

Annette Benedetti: 20:15

Yeah, I always call it the highlight reel. You know, in the movie where they do this highlight reel, you start to do that post-breakup where it's like you put all of the pretty pictures. But I'm like maybe a good exercise is to do a low light reel, and you might find the low light reel is actually a little bit longer than the high light reel. But it is funny how our brains do that, suddenly, like they're pulling up these beautiful moments and I, with myself, didn't exercise like oh, here's the picture, but what's the story that was going on underneath that picture, what was the stuff that was really happening in that moment? And suddenly it helps dissolve this, making it a saint situation.

Annette Benedetti: 22:05

So two questions out of that. First of all, I think something that would be useful is when someone is in a triggered moment after a breakup. Let's say you wake up, you had a dream about your ex and you wake up and you are just in that up here, triggered, feeling awful, missing them, wanting them back moment. What is, what would you tell that person to do in that moment?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 22:31

Yeah, so I mean just the fact that you said triggered right, so you may not even notice that you're triggered, right. Sometimes in hindsight we can see our trigger states more easily. But I had a teacher who once shared with me like Stormy, if you ever feel urgent, an urgency to do, act, say not do whatever an urgency when we know that feeling it's like I need to do it now, right, it's. That is your ego, right, like you're, and not the good ego, like that is your ego, that anything coming from your wise self, your grounded self, is not gonna feel an urgency. And I have used that as a guide for myself, that I do it with my in my parenting, in my partnership. I do it with my as a boss, like I really try not to act, do or say when I am feeling an urgency because I'm not in a grounded state, I'm not in my best self, my nervous system is upregulated and nobody was like I made the best decision when I was super pissed off or when I was super triggered right, and nobody does, because we're literally not in the thinking part of our brain. So, but what can you do is literally pause.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 23:42

Notice that you're feeling triggered, you're feeling anxious. Notice what that feels like in your body. Maybe your figure feel wound up like a jack in the box or feeling like you have to do this right now. Right, like there's these signs and symptoms in our body that we are not in a grounded state. Like literally, notice that and have grace with yourself. Like don't beat up on yourself, because that's certainly understandable, and have compassion with yourself. Take a few slow, deep breaths, literally like in for three through your nose, out for six through your nose. Stimulates your vagus nerves, helps you get out of sympathetic nervous system into parasympathetic, where you are gonna be more grounded. Literally like three breaths in for three, out for six, in and out through your nose. This is from like polyvagal theory stuff, ways to stimulate our parasympathetic nervous system and just take a few deep breaths, like you don't have to act. Right then right and so when our breath?

Annette Benedetti: 24:37

is more like quickest. Yes, exactly sit on your hands.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 24:42

I can literally tell you with my own journey, particularly with that one abusive relationship, the only abusive relationship I've been in, I had to literally put my phone out of my reach at the first few days, like if I had a desire to. I would literally sit on my hands like, actually, you know, I was like I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it because it would not have served me, it would not have been a wise choice. And have I made choices that are not wise, of course, but I would like to help our listeners make few of those as possible, right? And so, yeah, don't text him or her like, don't you know? Sit on your hands, put your phone out of reach, have your breakfast, take some breaths, do some movement, all of these things from a sensory perspective, so, outside your sensations, your help you to ground and then move, make a choice, make a decision when you're grounded.

Annette Benedetti: 25:31

That is great, great advice. I don't know how many times in my past I definitely am wise to this one. When I'm in a moment and I'm like I'm going to do this thing or say this thing and I'm like, really worked up, I've learned to put it off for a day and then revisit it, I always am like give yourself 24 hours.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 25:53

So literally, or even write the email and save it as a draft, like you know, or whatever it is, or the text, because I can't. I've seen things I've done so many where I've written what I wanted to say and, like the next seven, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad I didn't send that, you know. So yeah, do a brain job, that's a great tip at that. Like write it down somewhere where you are not going to send it, they're not going to see it, but get it out is totally a great exercise. And then don't act until you're grounded, until you're calm, right. And so a lot of people recommend no contact after a breakup.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 26:23

I am not so prescriptive. I don't like good or bad or wrong or right, I like what serves you. So a great question is to ask yourself what serves you in this stage that you are in of this healing process. Maybe it is no contact, right. Maybe it's some contact. Or if you have kids together, like I had to communicate with my ex-husband around my child and that was it, that was my agreement, that was my boundary around our child only. So you know, but really, what serves you? And for I'm a codependent in recovery and so I always ask myself what serves me. That is like sacred selfishness. What serves you in this moment? And then be thoughtful about that.

Annette Benedetti: 27:10

Yeah, I think being selfish is something that can be hard for people who are going through breakups really not considering like what's best for this other person who I have been with and loved and, you know, depending on who you are in the relationship, been the caregiver for emotionally especially women. You know we tend to do most of the emotional labor in a relationship, so when we leave a relationship it's still our go-to to be like how would they feel if I did this thing? How would they react or how would this make them feel? And learning how to just be like this is about what I need and what I feel, and what they feel or need anymore is not my problem, you know.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 28:04

And that really is what I call sacred selfishness. One of my tattoos says sacred selfishness. For this reason, because it was a big learning process in my own life, but it really is right, it's not selfish, it's sacred care, it's sacred. So I call it sacred selfishness. But also what you just mentioned about what they're, where they are, what they're doing, what they're feeling, how they're acting, is not your responsibility, nor is it your business, right At this point. But also, believe it, it can be about believing in them. They're an autonomous individual. They will be okay, and so will you, even if it doesn't feel that way. So trusting in their power just as much as you're trusting in your own allows it to kind of you, to kind of get some sovereignty, some space. You know that kind of just brought up for me, like when there is a space because a person who was very close in your life is no longer there. So there is a physical, logistical, emotional, maybe financial, spiritual, intellectual space.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 29:02

That has created a great question, not in a triggered moment, but in a calm moment is how do I wanna fill this space? How do I want to fill this space? Because a space is just a space, right, it's, it's, it's just a, it's just a container. How do I want to fill this space? So maybe the logistical space, like in your bed, for example, I literally put one of those like long things because it just felt so good like snuggle up to something that was in my, you know, broken up partner, and so you know that's a logistical thing for when it comes to who you're gonna spend time with.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 30:45

You know, be thoughtful, how do I, how do I want to fill this space right and people fill it right with with breakup sex, with rebound sex. I mean, we, we do that, I've done it, we've all money of us have done it and that's you know, again, what comes down to that underlight, again, not about good or bad or wrong or right, cuz it's so long as it's safe and consensual, like that's all I care about when it comes to sex. But again, the question is does this serve you in your healing?

Annette Benedetti: 31:16

Yeah, I guess that was kind of my follow-up question, because you had mentioned like, yeah, you know, now that you've gone through a breakup, there is this void in various areas of your life and obviously Something that people commonly do, especially with the intimate.

Annette Benedetti: 31:33

You know part of that because I I mean, maybe I'm wrong in this, but I do think one of the most painful voids is sort of that intimacy space, because intimacy really requires vulnerability and, yeah, it's a very vulnerable thing. And so this is where I kind of want to move into some of the most common Space filler fillers we turn to when it comes to intimacy, which is Breakup sex, like you know. And and even in my research because before I come up with the questions for this podcast, I'm looking at what are people Researching, like when they're in breakup mode. They're googling shit left and right, like to figure out, get the answers right, and so one of the top questions is is breakup sex? Okay, should I go back and have breakup sex? And I'm like, I'm like no, but I'm curious. I'm curious about what, what your take on that is.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 32:34

Yeah, it's a great, it's very common, as you just mentioned, I mean. So we'll talk about breakup sex and rebound sex a little bit differently. But so you know, and I get it like, just, I always come back to the science because I'm a scientist, but also science doesn't lie right, like our minds play tricks with the science. Like you said, the research, what are they researching? What does the research say? But so you know, again, without because I'm not good, I'm not, yes, it's good, no, it's not good. It's really like the underlying question for both rebound sex and breakup sex, right.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 33:04

So breakup sex being with the person you just broke up with. Rebound sex with someone else, okay, but, like you know, in to fill the void, right. So breakup sex, you know you are gonna get them, you're gonna get a dopamine hit and oxytocin hit, right, orgasms feel good, right? I hope these things. That makes sense. Of course you're wanting that and if you are wanting to be in reconnection with that person, you just got what you are wanting, right.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 33:29

So, but then what's the aftermath of that? And this is no, she don't shame yourself, don't punish yourself. If you've done that, like, just learn from it is, did it serve you in your healing. Okay, so let's say you're at like, a certain stage in your healing and you have breakup sex and Despite the like maybe it was that little sex, move, average sex, whatever it was sex, um, the do you feel like that moved you further in your healing process or did it set you back a few steps right and again not?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 34:01

This isn't even considering the other person, because that's all sorts of convoluted, but for you, does it serve you or is it a band-aid to keep you from feeling and those that? That's really the question that I Encourage my clients and myself and when I'm in breakup mode, to ask myself right, to ask yourself and give yourself some grace and understanding. If you did do it and maybe you're choosing not to do it again, or maybe it is like, yeah, actually you know what that works for me for right now and so long as you're communicating clearly and you're, it's consensual and you know all those things, then For me it's not a good or bad, but often breakup sex is more about our wanting to not feel and wanting a moment of respite, a moment of reconnection, to, to ease the pain, than it is about furthering our healing.

Annette Benedetti: 34:50

Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna be a solid. No, I think people should not have break. I'm not a doctor. I can be like judgmental. No, not that you're a bad person if you do it.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 35:00

I can share with you. For me it's an absolute. Me personally, it's an absolute. No, I've done it multiple times, sometimes multiple times with the same breakup person. Um, you know, and here's the thing it's, it has an energy that can be like Hot right, because you're like shouldn't be doing it. You probably both know you shouldn't, shouldn't be doing it, right. So you have to know that like. So for me, a lot similar to you, and it's a no, it doesn't move me forward in my healing.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 35:26

I'm currently with a partner and he knows I'm like if we break up, we're never gonna break up sex. And he's like, well, you say never, and they say never and I said, no, I know I'll never, because for me that wouldn't be Furthering my healing. I'm at a point now for me that that choice is no and I'm really clear about it, even with my current partner, you know, um, so I think you have to get curious for yourself, you know, and similar with rebound sex is like you know, I had a partner that was with and he was like, well, you know, was having sex like Two a week or two after, and I was like, oh, okay, well, that's a bad date for him and I chose to actually be consciously celibate in this breakup, um for six months, because I knew I didn't want to choose that, but I did choose that because I knew it would serve me best, right. So it was interesting to see us going in such different directions, with him out, but sleeping with other people, and me choosing celibacy right. Whose path was better, I don't know, not in the place to judge, but for me that path was great, for me to literally choose Conscious celibacy for the first time in my life.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 36:25

I've been celibate other moments, but not by conscious choice, but again. So I chose that rebound. Sex For me wasn't a place that I was open to, because I knew my patterns needed to change and I knew that they were less likely to change when I'm in partnership and all the feel-good with someone new can and we.

Annette Benedetti: 36:46

I know that we almost have to talk about them separately, because breakup sex is so very different than, and and the effects is so very different than, rebound sex. Now Breakup sex is with the same person. Can these doing these two things be actually detrimental to someone's not only healing but just mental health and emotional health?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 37:11

I absolutely right, I mean. So if you're talking about breakup sex, it could make you think that, let's say, you weren't the one leading on the on the breakup, and that person comes to you for breakup sex and you are open to it, or you think you're open to it, or you acquiesce, or whatever, um, and then you are hopeful about the reunification, like that doesn't keep you moving along when you're healing, right, um, and you don't know, can never assume to know, where that other person is or what was behind their decision for a breakup sex, right? So, again, taking back that power, that time it doesn't serve you and you're healing, and so, yeah, I think it can, absolutely, it can also become a pattern, right, it can break up. Sex itself can become a pattern. So, so, noticing how you feel before, during and after breakup sex is a good gauge for yourself, right? Because before you might be like I'm excited or whatever, you know, even maybe during, if the sex is great, and then after perhaps and this is what happened for me personally I was like, oh, yuck, yuck, I, that was not a good choice for me, right? So Lesson learned, right, and then change, you know.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 38:18

And one thing I I say this so tenderly, because I, breakup is such a tender time for us. When we're in, it is the tender hearts are beautiful hearts, but they are tender nonetheless. But is is that you are the one common denominator in all of your relationships, the failed ones, the successful ones. And I say I was so much compassion because hopefully that feels liberating, because that's you can change yourself, you can work on yourself, grow yourself. Hopefully we are evolving to our final breath, you know, and in change and in growth. But you, you can't be responsible and aren't responsible for your partner or their growth or their change. But that for me, when I heard that as a therapist who said that to me, so I'm, you're the one common denominator all these relationships and at first I was like that's the whole thing to say. And then I was like actually I feel so much freedom from that, because that's when I really was able to Dive in, say what do I want, what will I not accept or tolerate and what do I want to create in a relationship?

Annette Benedetti: 39:15

That resonates and in fact I had made a little video over on tiktok about it, because it was this Kind of revelation I had.

Annette Benedetti: 39:24

And it was the first time I started to get excited, because what I noticed in this relationship and then reflecting on my past relationships, was like a similarity, a cycle.

Annette Benedetti: 39:36

And what I realized is and it's not about I didn't feel like I was and it's not about I didn't feel shameful but what I asked myself is what is unhealed in me, what is the wound in me that continues to allow people to come into my, my life and access all of the benefits of getting to be with me, because there are a lot and and to get that and yet not give me what I need. And if there is something I can heal, if there's something I can do To heal, whatever in me is allowing that to happen, that means I'll get to this place when I'm only allowing people in my life who are going to bring to the table, like that, equal energy, that equal give and take. And how exciting is that? How exciting is it that I am the common denominator and that I can tend to the wound or or whatever it is that needs tending to, and then Receive the kind of love and relationship I want. It made me feel Like I could do something, like I was in control, right.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 40:52

Beautiful. I love that reflection and that's so well said, right, it's so. We have these, all have these unhealed parts of ourselves. So we got in my work world we call them shadow cards.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 41:01

So shadow work, right, but parts of ourselves that, and you will likely notice, I do not not in the cute phase, is not when you're really hurting, but do an inventory of, like, looking back at your relationships, like you mentioned, you were able to see some patterns, right, um, because those patterns would guide you in the places to your blind spots.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 41:20

Right, so, to your what you just said, like, why do I keep allowing in this when I'm giving myself fully? Right, so, you will notice patterns in your relationships? You will, and that you really can Get better clarity on in retrospect, right when you're looking back, right, um and so, and those, those, those Patterns point you in the direction of your growth, right, so maybe it's an unhealed wound, I don't know, from childhood, or maybe it's a unhealed relational In your first primary relationship, right, there's lots of different reasons and none of which matter that. It's a really beautiful Unfolding to say what are these patterns in myself that are bringing in this sort of person and what do I want moving forward right, like what will I not tolerate? Moving forward, because what you want is really important, but also what you won't tolerate is really important, and that that's a really tender time In our breakup phases, in our healing phases, to reflect up on that.

Annette Benedetti: 42:20

Yeah, it's, it's empowering to get that. It is information and feel like you can act on it. So now, moving into the actual sex realm, I think that people Going through, or who have just been through a breakup I wanted two things seems to happen, and you maybe know more things that happen. But uh, one is you just don't feel sexy anymore. You don't feel like uh, you, you, you know what.

Annette Benedetti: 42:49

There's a whole movie made about uh, someone getting their groove back, like a lot of times and I can only Speak from a woman's point of view, I'm sure this happens to people of all genders but uh, where you just you feel like you've lost your mojo, your groove, that could be because sometimes in the relationship, your sensuality and sexuality, because of all the stuff going on in the relationship that's not working, kind of kills your, your sexual power.

Annette Benedetti: 43:20

Uh, but then I think, just post breakup it's it's common to feel not sexy, not someone who is going to be desired. The other thing that happens is being hyper sexual and just being like I'm gonna go out and bang everything that moves like fuck this. I was in this relationship. I was treated like shit and I was given this person the good loving they took it for granted and now I'm gonna go and do the thing. Um right, so I want to speak to that a little bit and for maybe starting with, you feel nothing between the legs, like suddenly you feel like dead to your sensuality. What, what is your advice for someone going through that?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 43:59

Yeah, so really is a really tender question, right? So you mentioned that you just might not feel sexy, right? Like you mentioned earlier, like I just want to say, my sweatpants all day long and I want to, you know, or I'm gonna eat to feel better and you know, whatever Um stress, eat to. You know, grief, eat whatever it might be. So the, the sexiness We'll address that separately than than sex. Um is really, it's, it's really common for that to happen and it's really because we tend to outsource Our sexy, right, our sexy that's what that's the result of outsourcing or sexy because we and, by the way, this is very common, I used to do this myself Um, is that our sexiness is based on the reflections of our partner or interactions with our partner, our sex with our partner.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 44:46

We might be dressing up for our partner, we might be putting on makeup for our partner, right, and I had the privilege of lecturing to a woman's group, speaking at a woman's group over the summer about not outsourcing your sexy, and so I started doing all this research into, like the, the science, the research of sexy, and I was so irritated because I had to go pages into NIH research to find the research itself not outsourcing right. So when people were being researched, they would say, well, my partner finds this sexy, or men report finding this sexy, women report finding this sexy. And it was so frustrating I had to go pages into the research to find self-reporting of what feels sexy. So, again, just have compassion for yourself. Know that you are likely outsourcing a lot of your sexy to the relationship and it's a time for a reclamation. You are a sexy, amazing, powerful, sex-driven person. Right, we all are. We all literally came from sexual energy. It's an invitation to reclaim it.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 45:45

So, and it might be so small, it might be like what makes me feel sexy right now? Like, how do I wanna dress? What do I wanna drink or eat? That would be like yummy, yes, you know. What kind of music do I wanna listen to? What? Maybe there's a show you wanna watch. Do I wanna read some erotic poetry? Like what makes you feel sexy Right in the midst of all your pain, right in the midst of your anger, your blame, your shame, all these things that are very common in breakup processing?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 46:13

So, not waiting to feel sexy until you're in the next relationship or not waiting to feel sexy for when you feel better. So one that you can ask yourself that would make me feel sexy right now, right? So, like before this podcast, I was like in like a Moo Moo kind of thing, super. And then I was like I wanna feel sexy if I put on my silk dress and some earrings or in some pink lipstick. I'm not doing that for anyone else, except for I feel sexier, right? So that reclamation sexy is an inside job, and it really is.

Annette Benedetti: 46:43

Sexy is an inside job. I love that. Sexy is an inside job. Ugh, I need to write that. I'm gonna put it up on my wall.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 46:53

I love that, yeah it's a permission explorer because sexy might be. You know what I? It would feel sexy. I would make a cup of tea, get in my pajamas and my hugs and like lay on the couch and read a book. That might feel sexy to you, right? So just giving yourself time to and again, it's so common to outsource that are sexy, but like give yourself time to reclaim that can be a really lovely way to start to start in your healing, to start not outsourcing that right, to start taking a reclamation of your sexiness. So that's kind of the sexy part.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 47:27

And then you mentioned about, like you know, sex or you know you might go out and be sleeping around and that might be a choice. Again, does it serve you? Okay, if it serves you, okay. If it doesn't, okay.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 47:38

But and this is what kind of jumping into one of my tips but I want to invite you to have amazing self-pleasure practice, to like learn to make love to yourself. I tell my clients I want you having fabulous sex. Whether you are having it with a partner or not, it makes no difference. And that mindset shift and certainly for me, when I became a sex and intimacy coach, I was working with in a certification and then also with a coach myself and I was like, wait, what you want me to make love to myself? And now I get to teach it right, because there's a difference than from getting yourself off, which is fine, and making love to yourself. So if you're, if you mentioned and like the numbness between the legs, like just know that that's part of your pain response. It's a mechanism to protect you and there's such beautiful ways to start to unwind, to start to de-armor, to start to break down those guards, and a loving, nourishing self-pleasure practice is a super powerful way to do that.

Annette Benedetti: 48:36

So I need to do a whole podcast on how to make love to yourself. And also this term you use, listener. I don't know if we've used it on this podcast before. I think it may have been mentioned once in the past de-armoring. Now this is a whole podcast in itself, but can you really quickly explain what de-armoring is?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 49:00

Yeah, so there's lots of different de-armoring practices. Right, like we arm-er up when we are hurting, when we're scared, when we're sad, when we're stressed. Right, we arm-er up to protect ourselves. Right, it could be family of origin, it could be, again, relational history, it could be media. I mean there's a lot of reasons why we arm-er up. We don't just arm-er up our hearts, we arm-er up our genitals. Right, we arm-er up our pleasure. We arm-er up and not just genitals, like we might arm-er up our breasts. Right, it's a shutting down by walling out, ok.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 49:36

And so a lot of clients I work with they'll say, well, I don't feel anything. So then we get to get curious Is it that you're not feeling it because you're up in your head or when you're in your body? Have you really developed numbness in a sensorial way? So I work in my other world with a lot of trauma, high levels of trauma, and it's a very common trauma response to numb psychologically, physiologically, emotionally to numb. It's a protective mechanism, but it may no longer serve you where you are in your current healing journey. It likely did serve you at one point, but it may no longer serve you. So there's just beautiful ways to like, and so one really easy way to start to dearm-er and start to feel is I love Eugene Jemlin's work the felt-sense practice, where you just literally I mean this is a great practice to do Even no matter where you are in your healing state set a timer on your phone for two minutes and close your eyes, if that feels safe, if not, just soften your gaze and just stay with sensation.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 50:43

So like if I were doing it right now I'd be like oh, I feel my left. In my mind I'd say I feel my left foot on the ground. It's actually colder than my right foot. I feel my right booty cheek on the couch more because of the angle I'm sitting at. I can feel the air blowing on my face right. So I stay with sensation.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 51:02

And what's amazing with this practice two minutes, set a timer is you'll see how quickly you go into thought right, I don't like the feeling in my foot, or I'm thinking about my to-do list or whatever. It gives you a chance to come back to sensation and as we build our connection with our body and our connection with sensation, we allow more pleasure in our lives and we start to be able to feel in our bodies more right. And we say feeling, think of it. We say how are you feeling? People are like oh, I'm having a good day. It's like that's not feeling, that's thinking. Right, we tend to get up into our heads way more than into our bodies, and this is a really just beautiful practice. That's really nourishing and self-resourcing to kind of start to give yourself permission to feel in a really safe way.

Annette Benedetti: 51:46

I love that. Yeah, I think it's very common for people to be completely out of touch with the sensations in their body and that their body is going through any given moment and even, especially during sex. And if you are in a post-breakup or a grief situation and trying to have sex and your body is processing this mental and emotional anguish as like I've got to protect you because you're in pain and it's shutting down, I know for myself like my pussy, my vagina, especially my vaginal G spot, it just like there is no sensation. I will only experience pressure and that's because my brain, my body, is doing what it's supposed to do, which is protecting me and saying oh, you're in this really scary space and I'm going to like make sure you don't feel any more pain, you're topped off, you don't need any more pain, exactly.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 52:53

And stress and pain are pleasure busters, right, like it's really. Again, we're not evolved enough to feel both at the same time, right? So these little ways, so for your and I loved your really vulnerable sharing and that they're like the, and I can really relate to that. I've been in that phase myself. So then, don't go right for our genitals, right, that's just more trauma, right? We don't want to like that. If you're, if you're feeling numb, don't?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 53:17

This pleasure practice isn't just about our genitals. We have fingers, we have lips, we have tongues, we have toys, we have breasts, right, we have all these other places where we can feel pleasure, and yet we tend to be very genital focused. So one of the things when I'm teaching about self pleasure is like skip the channels altogether. If you want, you can still have a fabulous self pleasure practice. So what feels good to you? It might be like to turn the water up really warm in the shower and, you know, wash your body really lovingly, as you would want a lover to do it, for example. Okay, but you're doing it because you are your own best lover, you are your own beloved, maybe with like a yummy soap or a yummy scrub, right, these are other ways that are really loving on yourself, that aren't about going right for your genitals, because your genitals, if there's numbness in your genitals, it's information for you. It's not bad, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you. It's information for you.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 54:14

So how do you start to, in a really safe, nourishing, resourcing way, bring back pleasure and sensation into your life, and I would say, don't start with the genitals. Then, like, listen to that information but know you are not broken, know that your vagina, your yoni, all of it is amazing. It is literally filled with pleasure. Okay, so you can take a temple, in my opinion, and then know where you are. So start with other parts of your body, start with noticing joy and pleasure in other areas of your life. Like this yummy drink I'm sipping is like yum, right, when I notice I'm like that is pleasurable, right. So you start to build your confidence in your own body, your trust in your own body, and you start to bring pleasure back into your life in small doses and safe ways and your yoni will open. It will become turned on again. Okay, you are not broken.

Annette Benedetti: 55:10

I love that and that kind of ties beautifully into the not outsourcing pleasure and sexiness. I was thinking and I think that this happens a lot if you especially if with your ex you had a good sexual chemistry or meaningful sex or that was a really wonderful part of your relationship when you leave the relationship you can often think well, like I'm never going to experience that pleasure again, I'm never going to have that connection again. And prior to this breakup for me, I think I had that concern because we had gotten together for a second and it turned into a relationship. And my girlfriend asked me recently. She said, annette, you in the past, you said, because during this relationship I went through my own self discovery and woke up my G spot. I had never felt it before.

Annette Benedetti: 56:08

I found it in the last two years in my A spot and I think it created all of this fear that it was this magic penis in my life that had made that happen. And she said to me do you still feel like it was the penis in your life that woke that up? Are you still in that fear of place? And I said you know, actually I've been thinking about that and what I realized is that the magic wasn't in the penis, it wasn't in the cock. The magic isn't me. I spent, you know, a year. I did a 365 days of orgasms challenge not this year, but last year where I masturbated and gave myself an orgasm every day, and I'm like I think that is a revelation I've had that the magic really was me, I projected it on to someone else.

Annette Benedetti: 56:55

Right, yeah, it was so interesting how quickly I was to give that away to somebody else.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 57:00

Totally. Oh, I just got a new sponsor for you. Yes, yeah.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 57:05

Right, and it really the penis was like a gift, it was a catalyst for you to find out about your own body, your own pleasure, right? So I love that you're like I was giving that away and it's interesting I was working the client talking about. Anyway, you know, sometimes we what we do is we put, we outsource it, but we also like think of it as that person or that that they were the reason. It's like, and sometimes someone is someone or something is just a catalyst, right.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 57:31

It's just a catalyst for our own growth, showing us what we are capable of and what is possible.

Annette Benedetti: 57:36

Or what if it was just the right dick in the right place at the right time? I mean not to be harsh, but I'm saying I did the work. I masturbated through two rounds of COVID, a breakup. I mean I put a stomach flu. Do you know what that's like? That's hard. I'm like maybe it wasn't the dick, maybe it was all me. I'm just saying yeah, exactly I love that.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 58:02

And what a reclamation right. What a horrible reclamation for you. That's amazing.

Annette Benedetti: 58:06

But now I do want to now move on to your 10 tips. I think it's that time, this is the time. If you have stuck with us to now, you're getting the goods on 10 tips to post breakup, reclaim your sensuality, and that's what we're all here for. I'm here for that. I'm excited about this. So I'm going to let you take over this portion of the conversation.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 58:31

So number one we actually started off the podcast with it but up your self care, move into the top of your list. So up your self care in this tender time and if you notice it's slipping down the list, pop it back up. It is really a time for you to gift yourself. You to gift yourself your own care, and I said that you are your own beloved. But we tend to say, oh, this is how I'd want to love her to do it, so we'll do it, do it for yourself. So really upping yourself care. That's number one.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 59:02

Number two learn to make love to yourself. So we already talked about that and again, you don't have to go right for gendals, you certainly don't have to go with penetration. Learn to make love to yourself. How do you want to touch yourself? How would you want to be touched, right? So what's your love to yourself? What other parts of your body? There are so many irregulous zones that we tend to. We're so genital and maybe breast focused in our culture. So this is your chance to explore. So learning to make love to yourself.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 59:33

The third one is surround yourself with people who feel good to you. Okay, because of that void, that space that we were talking about. We are going to likely fill the space and the voids of fill it thoughtfully with people who celebrate you, people who support you, people who see you, people that you can be a snotty fucking mess around if you want to be right. We have a thing in our culture and it drives me nuts we hand people tissues. I used to do that, by the way, because I was like people, please, are like. Hand people tissues when they're crying. It gives a message that I'm not, this is messy, clean this up, I'm not okay with it. So who would let you be like a snotty mess and not hand you a tissue, like again, it might be something to think about. The fourth one is to also gift yourself. So, yes, give yourself time with people who celebrate you and support you, who see you, but also give yourself quiet and pause. And this one's a little harder because we can be a little bit afraid of the quiet and the pause that can. We can feel the void or, deeply, the space more deeply, but we have to pause to reflect, we have to pause to self-cuff front, we have to pause to feel Okay. So, giving yourself quiet and pause, and there's a huge difference for me in my breakup journeys that were really powerful when I, when I Learned what it felt like to be alone and that there's a huge difference between a lone and lonely. So if you're in the lonely place right now, okay, but how do you shift it to like learning to be alone, learning to be with yourself, gay and that self-care piece, because plays into that. But gifting yourself quiet and pause will help you in your healing.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:01:07

And then the fifth one is that a sensuality practice. So we were, we, you know we talked a little bit about some sexuality practices. But sensuality, what feel? That question, what feels good to me right now? Okay, so, for example, I like to work out a lot. So it might be like I might be like I'm working out every day because I'm hurting. I'm gonna go to my peloton, I'm gonna, you know, click at the high intensity, but what feels good to me right now might be some nourishing yoga, might be not to exercise, might be to have a cup of tea, right, really asking what feels good to me right now and from a Sensorial perspective, right, noticing this is another practice, sensuality practice, but noticing the things that feel good in your day. So maybe it's the sunshine on your face, or the air on your face, or the sip of tea or the lovely glass of wine. You have right to give to notice, because you literally start to exercise that pleasure muscle that might feel a bit numb or sluggish or sleepish or turned off.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:02:06

Right now, in your breakup phase, noticing all the joy and pleasure you do feel and experience in your life. I promise you, it is there in the subtlest ways and the nuanced ways, and when we notice that, we literally start to train ourselves to see it, we also start to literally exercise that, that joy and that pleasure of ceiling, that much to raise the pleasure of ceiling by exercising those muscles. Okay, this came to me in my own meditation day was I was like no, I like the whole self-love piece, but it can be a little bit like, at least for me. When I was a breakup, I was like self love. I don't feel any self-love, right, you know. So I love that I came up with a self-love to be. It's where self love meets Adornment, meets pleasure, right. So that's that what feels good to you, what feels good to your body, how do you take care of yourself? So, where you're loving, where you're pleasuring, right. So bringing those two together is really the sensuality practices we tend to. I get bandaled with social media and things because I'm talking about pleasure and they assume I'm talking about pleasure in the bedroom, but there, that's one of many types of pleasure, okay. So being more sensual with yourself, noticing, right we, our brain is literally wrapped in our sensory organs, and so we have this way to kind of help calm our nervous system, help us move through our healing, just by what we're seeing, feeling, touching, tasting, experiencing.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:03:27

And then the sixth one is to get support as needed, right, and that might be a dear friend, that might be a therapist, that might be a coach, that might be a book, whatever it is. You are not alone. Get support as needed to help you in your journey. We are, we don't heal as islands, we heal in community, just like we don't grow as islands, we grow in communities. So get your community, whatever that is, get your support and know that reaching out for support Doesn't make you weak, it makes you powerful, okay.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:03:58

And then the seventh one is gift, gift yourself space from your ex, okay. So that might. We already mentioned. That might mean no contact them. I mean blocking them on social media, on following them. It might mean saying I'm not gonna, I'm a no to break up sex, right, whatever that is for you, give, gift yourself some space me so, because when we're again because of those habitual patterns in that neurochemistry, then those dopamine hits and things like that, that can be very confusing. Gifting yourself some space is a really beautiful, powerful thing to do so.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:04:30

And then the eighth one is that feel to heal like great. Don't shame yourself if you're like, ah, I felt like I was further along and now I'm back in grief, I'm back in pain and back in one of the stages of grief. I'm back in bargaining, denial, anger, right, there's many stages to grieving. So, giving yourself time to feel, to heal. The ninth one is focus on you. Okay, that's that common denominator, you are the common denominator. This is you mentioned this in that earlier like this was your, like giving yourself, you know to, noticing your patterns, and you felt so Powerful, you felt so liberated. You feel like there is possibility, right, so it's a great time to do your work. Hey, I mentioned earlier and this is a great time, not when you're, not when you're really triggered, but in a calm moment what are you for thinking about a future relationship. When you're ready, what are your must-haves? And, just as importantly, what are your Definitely must have nots? Okay, so I won't tolerate in my relationship this and I must have this. It's a really lovely time to start to to write that down right. Nobody is perfect, thank goodness. Well, people are much more complicated than that. But what are your absolute hell knows and your absolute must-haves? Okay, that's like. That clarity will help you as you move back into the dating if you choose to, when you choose to. And that's what brings me to the tenth one, which is when you're ready to date, do so Consciously.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:05:55

Right is literally the definition Einstein says of insanity. Do the same thing and expect a different result. So do dating differently. Like, for myself, I said I had a time of conscious celibacy. Then, at a time of lovers, I was like I'm only open to lovers, I want to try. You know that's non monogamy place. And then I was like, okay, now what serves me is a conscious monogamy or partnership, right? So I went through different stages because I was in reflection and working with a therapist and a coach of like, what served me best. So you know, doing so consciously, dating consciously. It is an adventure of dating like there's good, bad, awful, hilarious. I had some like Saturday night level hilarity when I was first out there dating after my divorce. Literally like could be good Saturday night life skits. But I learned from all of them and all of those missteps and blunders and errors we're got me to wear who I am today certainly far from perfect, but in evolution and feeling more powerful and sexual and alive than I ever have it that I'm 47 now.

Annette Benedetti: 1:06:56

So yeah, yeah, no, it's so interesting. I feel like kinship there because I'm 49 and I feel more sexually empowered now than I have of my entire life. Yeah, so that's interesting that you share. You just gave about going from monogamy to non monogamy to monogamy, and and learning and like not doing the same thing over and over again, and I am very much in that space of like.

Annette Benedetti: 1:07:29

I Defined myself as monogamous because I thought that was only optional. Nice younger I've been in a very kind of non monogamous, monogamous space and it really like was a learning experience in this last relationship and I was interesting now to be in this place of like. I I'm really gonna think about like what, what do I want? Like I don't have to like be married to being non monogamous or Monogamous, but maybe I'm like here's my standards for monogamy. All right, here's what's a must if you want to be my one and only. And here is you know what I can do in non monogamy. And and, yeah, I'm open. I'm open to the possibilities with the right partners in the future. And that's also exciting To be able to start thinking, looking at what worked, what didn't work, what got unbearable, and then, hey, I Can start Deciding what that looks like in the future and be in the seat of power and control. I think another thing you said that was really powerful for me was and and. So we all talk about thinking about Deciding what will accept, what we won't accept in a relationship, and we usually rattle off these kind of things.

Annette Benedetti: 1:08:56

I feel like this is the first time in my life I've ever I had a moment where I'm like there is One thing that's absolutely the thing I've never had, the thing that's always been missing, that I know, that I absolutely want and I've had this clarity suddenly, which, it's crazy, this is happening at 49, but I'm like the thing I've never had and this is my thing, this won't be everybody else's.

Annette Benedetti: 1:09:22

But security and Someone who makes me feel safe and I'm not just talking about you know that alpha all like protects you physically. That's like I definitely want someone I know would like you know, physically protect me, but Feeling secure in a relationship, someone who makes me feel safe to be myself, to be my physical soft and what cuz. You know that changes month throughout the month my emotional self, my spiritual self, like all of those pieces that I know I can be Authentically those things with this person and that they're like, they love that and they're here and it's not every day waking up to be like Are you still gonna be here if I do this or that?

Annette Benedetti: 1:10:06

you know, what I mean. I want security like.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:10:10

And I never.

Annette Benedetti: 1:10:12

Before I had never Really nailed that one to the wall, you know beautiful and I love that.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:10:19

That came through you sharing like I've never had that and I know I want it right because we can get in this hole. I've never had it. So how do I really know? And what I always say is like, just because you haven't had it a Does not mean you don't deserve it or won't have it. It actually might mean that it's becoming an absolute necessity for you. Won't settle for not having it because you're so Committed to having it because you deserve it. We all deserve healthy, powerful, passionate, sexy relationships. We, we all literally do. A pleasure is our birthright and yet we've become so Disconnected from it, often in relationships you know, and so I love that like. So, just because you haven't had it, I don't don't count that out for yourself. It might be the absolute guiding beacon for what you want to create relationship.

Annette Benedetti: 1:11:03

Yeah yeah, and so I think on that note to people who are going through a breakup like there can be. There's pain in breakup and there's grieving, but I think what we never talk about is there can also be really hope and excitement that comes out of it right.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:11:20

Absolutely and we can. It can be both and right. I teach a lot of mindfulness and we're very either or no. It's either this or it's either that I see very black and white my thinking in my 20s and it can be both, and so you can be really hurting and sad and lonely and all these things missing, yearning, longing and hopeful, inspired, you know, excited, right, for what can come. It can be both and you can have both experiences at the same time.

Annette Benedetti: 1:11:48

Yes, thank you. Well, I think we've covered a lot. I feel good about it. I Feel I feel like this is gonna be helpful for people listening and going through. I hope a breakup and I thank you so much for your time and knowledge and kindness through this conversation. I woke up this morning and I was. I was like, oh god, am I gonna be able to get through this a conversation?

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:12:14

because I woke up a little, a little raw this morning and this has been lovely and uplifting, I appreciate it, so I love that you brought yourself exactly as you are. Yes.

Annette Benedetti: 1:12:26

I did. I, I pulled myself together for you, I put some makeup on for you and it really was for you. But I would love for you to take this opportunity To share with my listeners where they can find out more about you, connect with you, if they want to, what Some of the things are they can do to get touch.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:12:49

Yeah, amazing. So I have my website's love deeper, lov e deeper, d e, p, e, r. Love deeper lab, like laboratories, so love deeper labcom. There's like information. There's actually a Complementary self-care guide that has like meditations and guided journaling prompts that will pop up when you go to the website. I was the first time visitor so you can check that out for sure. Information about my coaching and thing is on there.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:13:13

On Instagram I'm at doc stormy one, so do see stormy one, and on tiktok at touchy subjects with three s's at the end, so touchy subjects. And that's probably the easiest way. My email stormy at love deep lab, calm, if they, if anyone wants to email me. But yeah, it's really just been a pleasure and I did just. I just had a book come out. We hit Amazon bestseller like 50 categories like a couple weeks ago. So it's on Amazon the transformational journey Stories on business, life and happiness, and I'm one of 33 authors. I had the privilege of being a celebrity authority and that book and that's my personal story. So I teach and lecture and speak a lot, but getting to share my personal story I was definitely a vulnerability edge for my own growth and so that is that's on the inside if anyone wants to check that out.

Annette Benedetti: 1:14:04

That's wonderful, how exciting. Well, thank you so much for joining.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:14:08

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having me and to listeners.

Annette Benedetti: 1:14:12

Until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.

Dr. Stormy Hill: 1:14:16

Cheers.