Ever fantasize about getting kinky? Have a partner that wants a good spanking? Blow her mind by expanding your moves in bed with this self-pleasure practice. In this episode, Somatic Embodiment Coach AveryDean Swift shares an in-depth look at the kinky erotic blueprint, and how to explore it in your own body in a way that expands your relationship with sex and pleasure, so you can surprise your partner(s) with new moves that excite and satisfy their sexual appetite.
Don’t forget to catch Last Monday’s episode in the Sexual Erotic Blueprint and the two full-length episodes below which provide a more in-depth understanding of the Erotic Blue Prints.
Ever fantasize about getting kinky? Have a partner that wants a good spanking? Blow her mind by expanding your moves in bed with this self-pleasure practice. In this episode, Somatic Embodiment Coach AveryDean Swift shares an in-depth look at the kinky erotic blueprint, and how to explore it in your own body in a way that expands your relationship with sex and pleasure, so you can surprise your partner(s) with new moves that excite and satisfy their sexual appetite.
Don’t forget to catch Last Monday’s episode in the Sexual Erotic Blueprint and the two full-length episodes below which provide a more in-depth understanding of the Erotic Blue Prints.
do the sex. Welcome to Masturbation Monday with me, annette Benedetti, your host for Locker Room Talk and Chats. This is your invitation to join me for coffee in bed and a candid conversation about the masturbation practice I'm developing to support my mental, physical and emotional health and help manifest my dreams. Masturbation Monday is a guide to self-pleasure, better sex and using the power of the pussy to open new doors to a better life. Today's Masturbation Monday topic is how to self-pleasure, aka masturbate for your kinky erotic blueprint.
Speaker 1:
Now, if you have been hanging out with me the last few Mondays, you know that my guest, somatic sexologist, erotic educator and embodiment facilitator, avery Dean Swift, has been joining me to teach us about how to self-pleasure according to your erotic blueprint or your partner's erotic blueprint. This self-pleasuring is a process of discovery. Now, if you've been with me anytime, you also know that we did a past episode that really dove into what erotic blueprints are. But, in short, the erotic blueprints are maps to your turn-ons, your eroticism, your pleasure, hopefully, eventually, your orgasmic satisfaction. And by learning what your erotic blueprint is, or your partner's is, you're going to learn to be a better lover. You're going to learn how to please yourself. You're going to learn to be a better lover. You're going to learn how to please yourself. You're going to learn how to please them, and don't we all want to be the best lover we can be. But before I go on, I'm going to let Avery Dean introduce themselves and tell us a little bit more about the blueprints.
Speaker 2:
Thank you, annette. Hi everyone, my name is Avery Dean Swift. I use they and them pronouns and, as Annette mentioned, I'm a somatic sex educator. I'm an embodiment facilitator and a coach working in the realms of embodiment, sexuality, trauma resolution and expansion. I'm here today to talk a little bit more about the erotic blueprints and specifically the kinky type. So the erotic blueprints were created by my teacher, jaya. She had been working as a sexological body worker for over a decade when she really started to see and realize that eroticism turn on arousal, that eros, energy moves through human bodies in these kind of five somewhat distinct patterns, ways. Blueprints is what she decided to call them. So these erotic blueprints are the energetic, the sensual, the sexual, the kinky, which is what we're going to talk about most today, and the shapeshifter. So we've talked already about the other. The first three. If you're more interested in those, make sure to check out those episodes. But today we're going to talk about the kinky blueprint type. So the kinky type is most turned on by taboo.
Speaker 2:
Anything that feels like, oh, I'm not supposed to do, that, that makes me want to do it more, and that can be from a sensation perspective. It can be intensity of sensation, it can be sensation that maybe could be pain but is actually pleasurable under certain circumstances, and it can also be about power dynamics. It can be about being more dominant and in charge. It can be about being more submissive and giving away one's power to another person and sometimes the separation of that power dynamic can really get people's cranks going. And in fact we hear about this a lot in the coaching world. You might hear there are people who coach about polarity, a lot like the masculine, feminine polarity dynamic, and that is a form of kinky blueprint type. If that is something that really works for you and really resonates in your system, that's a piece of this blueprint type where we're shifting that power dynamic and giving one person's power away to the other and for many people this can be really erotic and for other people the kink doesn't actually feel sexual at all. A lot of people enjoy scratching that kinky itch in a way that's really nourishing and life-giving and really really supportive and enlivening, but isn't connected to sexuality, isn't even really about genitals or genital play or climaxes or orgasms in the way that we tend to think of them. Sometimes they are, sometimes they're connected for people and in other situations or for other people. They can be completely separate.
Speaker 2:
So, as we get into this idea of taboo, there are so many ways that we can explore this and some of the superpowers of the kinky type are this like unlimited creativity, because there are so many ways to explore this. It can be in the energy, it can be in the physical sensation, it can be mind games. There's like psychological kink games that we can play, role-playing and that sort of thing. There are people that get into like puppy play or pet play, where one of the very human adult beings pretends to be this animal that maybe can't speak or maybe even eats out of animal dishes off the floor in a way that really highlights that power dynamic of an owner and a pet. So so many beautiful ways that this can be explored and that's one of the superpowers of the kinky type. Is that amazing creativity.
Speaker 2:
Another superpower that often comes in with kinky types is communication skills, because these kinds of scenarios warrant and deserve really deeply discussed and negotiated plans and agreements and consent and boundaries.
Speaker 2:
To get into some of this more, we might call it risky but definitely edgier kind of play. Folks who engage in kinky behavior tend to have really good communication skills. Not always. There's, of course, exceptions to that, but if you run into the exceptions, those might not be the best people to play with If they're not really available for the depth of negotiation, conversation, consent and boundary agreements that really make this kind of play safer. A lot of these things we might be talking about with kink are not really safe. You can't really make them safe, but we can make them safer by discussing them well and having appropriate boundaries in place and having a plan for when stuff goes wrong. Because guess what, we're humans and shit goes wrong in the world of humans being humans. So it's really good with this kind of stuff to have a plan in place for what, how you're going to navigate if something doesn't go well.
Speaker 1:
So now I'm excited because I definitely like, I've, I definitely have a kinky side and if you've been listening, you know that both Avery Dean and I are both at least I've really got to recheck mine, but I'm pretty confident.
Speaker 1:
I'm a shapeshifter and, especially as we've gone through Masturbation Monday, I've been like I'm absolutely a shapeshifter. I'm like man I like and I can get into it all. But I would definitely say I love to tap into the taboo, which should surprise none of my listeners at all. So I'm excited to talk about how we integrate this into our self-pleasure practice, because I've really, as we've also been doing this series, I've realized that in my own self-pleasure practice and I am definitely my primary lover right now I don't kind of play with the idea of integrating kinky stuff into masturbation. So we are going to learn exactly how to do that and my life is about to get a whole lot more exciting. So let's do it. Let's talk about masturbating self-pleasuring to feed that kinky blueprint in us. Cheers, all right, tell me, tell me how to be kinky when I masturbate.
Speaker 2:
I am going to get to that in just a moment.
Speaker 2:
There's one more thing I want to touch on before we get there, and it is what the I would call it the kryptonite to the kinky blueprint type, the thing that gets in the way of kinky folks being able to really enjoy that side of ourselves, and this will surprise no one.
Speaker 2:
It's shame, because we're literally dealing with taboo things, things that we have been taught and told are not okay or that some part of us just recognizes that in regular context of life these things are not really okay. We're in these taboo zones, which the interesting thing with that too is cultures that have more taboo then have more kink than, because the more you make something taboo, the more then it arouses the people who have that kinky side. So the way to mitigate that is open, honest communication with a partner and making these consensual and well-boundaried agreements about what everybody says yes to, and having safe words and other parameters in place for what to do when somebody needs to tap out. So it's really important when you're playing with another to have those things in play, and it's good for yourself too to recognize where you want, to set your own boundaries and limits with yourself, so that you don't end up in a shame spiral.
Speaker 1:
Post climax I'm so glad you brought that up. But you can. Whether it's something you're watching while you're self-pleasuring or thinking about. People can really damage themselves that way. So that's a wonderful point for you to bring up that during self-pleasure, don't cross a boundary. That's going to send you into a shame spiral.
Speaker 2:
Because we have this thing that is often called sex brain.
Speaker 2:
So when we're horny, when all of the blood is flowing down to other parts of us, when our system's all revved up and we're all pink in the cheeks and our heart is beating harder and we're getting a little sweaty, all those chemicals flooding in our brain are like any other kind of intoxicant and it kind of blunts our frontal lobe, which is like our higher level decision-making process and our inhibition.
Speaker 2:
And so when we're in that chemical sex brain, it's a little like being drunk on sex chemicals and we can sometimes make decisions that sober us wouldn't make. And then once the climax or the orgasm happens and we move into that refractory period for many of us, if we've gone further than what we're actually okay with internally, we can go into this shame spiral. It's like, oh my God, why do I like that? What the fuck is wrong with me? And we can actually build into a deeper sense of distrust for ourselves if we have that dynamic that occurs again and again and again, and then it can make it even harder for us to share that part of ourselves with a lover. But man, adding some kink into a sexual experience for many of us can really crank up the heat.
Speaker 1:
Let's talk about how to be kinky with yourself in bed.
Speaker 2:
All right. So let's talk first about mental stuff, mental games, mind games, psychological kink. We might say this can be fantasy play, this can be imagining yourself in a scenario that's super kinky, even if it's something you would never actually want to do in real life. Fantasy is a wonderful way to play with that. For example, you might imagine a power dynamic that revs your system up but actually squicks you out a little bit too. So you may never want to actually do it for real, but thinking about it is kind of hot puppy play, other kinds of pet play where in real life we would never actually want to get into bestiality. For many people that's a kink too far and I agree with that. I don't think that's a place humans should actually venture into. But to fantasize about it and to play with that with another person in a role play kind of scenario where it's two consenting adults doing the thing yes, that is the way to explore those things. You might also consider public scenarios. If there's a part of you that would be really turned on by being watched, you could pretend you're being watched, even if you would never actually want to be watched. We can also play in this realm with things like degradation and humiliation. These are things that, again, in real life, we may never actually want to go there, even with another consenting adult, and these may not be things that they actually might even hurt our heart or our brain. A little bit to think about them really happening for real. But in the realm of fantasy play it's that exact taboo that cranks up the heat that gets juices and energy and chemicals flowing in our body. So to imagine ourselves in a scenario where we are telling someone else what a piece of shit they are, or imagining that being said to us, if we can learn to allow ourselves to explore in those areas and find the things that turn us on, find the language that turns us on, words like dick and cock and pussy and cunt, some of these words that in many contexts you may never want to hear or say, but when you do hear them or when you do say them, there's a little zing that happens through the system. So these are wonderful things to explore in our self-pleasure sessions, especially once we find the things that we really are into when it comes to language.
Speaker 2:
It can even be good to explore this outside of a self-pleasure session first, because if you get into some language that's actually a turn off and you might not know it until you find it the language that can be a turn off for you. It's good to know that so you can share it with a partner. But you may not want to discover that in the midst of your self-pleasure session because that might not be very pleasurable. So one way to explore this is just like sit with a notebook and like put out, write down all the things that you think you might even be sort of curious about, or things that you're definitely not curious about, and just see, is that really true? Am I curious about this or am I not? What zing possibility is there for me in this, so that when you do get into this kinky self-pleasure moment, you already kind of have an idea of what some of the things are that you like and then, if you're open to it, let yourself push those edges a little bit while you're exploring, while again recognizing if there is a boundary you want to hold for yourself. Be diligent about holding that boundary for yourself in the moment and then decide if you want to push that boundary a little further out for your next self-pleasure session. But make those decisions while you're in sober mind, not while you're in sex brain. This is especially true when we're playing with others, but it's also really true when we're playing with ourselves. It keeps that sense of self-trust alive within us. So those are some of the ways to play with the psychological kink aspect, and of course there are a million more that you could explore and find. So I encourage you to follow where your turn on leads you.
Speaker 2:
So for some of us, in addition to the psychological aspect, the way that it impacts our brains is what am I wearing? Things like collars or cuffs or certain types of lingerie. There's a whole genre of clothing called fetish lifestyle gear. That's like leather tops or assless chaps and all kinds of these costume type things that maybe are specific to sexuality, and maybe you're not. Maybe there it's a wig that makes you feel like a different aspect of yourself that wants to come forward, that feels edgy and taboo. So costumes and clothing can be another beautiful way to tap into that kind of edgier side of ourselves when it comes to kink.
Speaker 2:
And then let's talk a little bit more about the physical aspects. So with kinky play, the kinds of touch that turn on many kinksters are a little bit more intense sensation. So I'll show you on my arm here things like scratching, and this might be kind of a light scratch or it might be a deep and heavy scratch where you're even like brushing away or scratching away the top layer of skin. This might be things like biting, getting your teeth into your own flesh or into the flesh of another. Sometimes it's about the marks that are left by those scratches, those bites, those slaps, those spanks. So hitting is another way.
Speaker 2:
You can do this on your own body just by playing with some slapping. You can do this on your own body just by playing with some slapping. And how does that feel? I didn't hit myself very hard, but I definitely have a warmth and a tingle showing up in my skin now and it might not even be the contact itself that's arousing, but it could be the after effect, that tingle, that warmth, that energy that starts to build from those experiences. And for many people, getting this kind of sensation into erogenous zones can turn it on even more. So really intense nipple play, or like chest slapping or nipple slapping or breast slapping, getting into the inner thigh area, where maybe you're near the genitals but not quite on the genitals, and for some people they might even want to have that kind of sensation directly on the genitals. For some people that's a real turn on. Cock and ball torture is a whole genre of kink activity.
Speaker 1:
Got a podcast on that. I'm not surprised you guys can go listen.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so this is a whole area where some people really love to have their genitals basically tortured. Only for them it's not actually torture, it might even feel painful in the moment, but they're getting pleasure from it. So, as long as it's well-contained and good aftercare after we speak about the rest of these things, I'll get into aftercare a little bit more at the end, but I'm going to keep going here with some of the like kinky touch and kinky play, so when you're alone you could bring in some toys. I have a few things here to show you.
Speaker 1:
For my listeners. They are showing some toys. You can go to my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti and see them, but you will do the best you can to describe them for listeners. So what?
Speaker 2:
I've got here is a set of nipple clamps connected by a chain and the ends of these have a little plastic cover which keeps them a little less intense on the skin itself. Of course you can always remove those covers if you want them to break skin and open up some skin, but that's like you're getting into the Olympic level play if you're talking about opening skin. So be warned, be aware that requires a lot of really good negotiation and safety practices. But alone something like nipple clamps can be a really beautiful way to get into that. Where's the line between pleasure and pain? Sensation? Because for many of us, many bodies, once arousal increases just like I was saying before with sex brain once we're in that chemically place where all those chemicals are flowing, things that would otherwise be painful just feel like sensation and it can actually feel really pleasurable versus painful. So one of the nice things about nipple clamps is they often have a little thing where you can make them tighter. If you for those of you who are watching the YouTube, you can see how there's room between them now and as I slide this up they get closer and closer and then it can get tighter and tighter and tighter, so you can go to a high degree of intensity with many types of nipple clamps. If you want to do the poor person's version of nipple clamps, get some clothespins simple, easy, highly available, you can get them anywhere and they work on all parts of the body so you don't have to save it for nipples.
Speaker 2:
Um, for some people getting into tender areas of skin, like the back of the arm, um, or the side of the body where some of that skin is tender and sensitive clothespins or clamps of some kind, pinching that skin, can be really exciting and arousing, and often the most sensational part is actually when you take it off and all the blood flows back into that area that's been compressed. That is, for many people, where the most pleasure comes in. So lots of fun ways to play with intensity of sensation in that way. And if your body likes more sensation as you get more aroused, you might be a kinky type or that might be a piece of how the kinky type moves in you. So another way that we can play with sensation is through other kinds of toys that are hitting implements. So I have here a flogger. It's a pretty small one with some pretty gentle leather falls, and this isn't going to deliver a ton of heavy sensation but it does deliver kind of a nice slappy sensation. And so using that, especially over and over and over again. Each sensation is not very intense but then it can build and build and build.
Speaker 2:
Which again? The building of that sensation, finding the edge. Kinky types are edge types. They are edgy play types. They want to keep finding that limit, that boundary, that edge, the line between pleasure and pain. That can be again. One of the beautiful things about kink is there are so many ways to play with it. But another thing about kink is that for some people that line where it still feels taboo, the more you play in kinky zones, the further that line moves. So be aware of that possibility and if you don't want it to have to keep moving, vary your kink play in multiple other directions so that the thing that maybe if you do it a lot, ceases to be kinky, if you step away from it for a while it might start to feel kinky again.
Speaker 1:
I've definitely experienced that where it's like oh, I remember when I used to think that that was taboo and now I'm just like feels vanilla these days.
Speaker 2:
I feel that way about ass play. I used to think ass play was so taboo. Oh my gosh, it's so scary, it's so ooh, that's bad. And now I'm like, if I don't stick a finger in my ass when I'm self-pleasuring, that is a more rare occasion these days.
Speaker 1:
So see, that's something else you can do. That's something else you can do during self-pleasure Stick a finger, stick your own finger in your ass, or get a butt plug. That's kind of kinky for some people, right? Absolutely.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. Ass play absolutely counts as kinky until it does, until it ceases to be kinky for the people doing it. And that's the thing with taboo is sometimes the taboo comes from the outside, sometimes the taboo comes from the inside. The taboos that come from the outside, those are places where we go. Hmm, thanks Sex negative culture for giving me all this stuff I can play with, because it turns me on, cause you told me I'm not supposed to do it. But the ones that come from the inside, those are the ones that are more likely to shift and change. So ass plays a beautiful example of that.
Speaker 2:
If you've never had your ass played with or played with somebody else's ass and it was probably like this for many of us with genitals when it began there was probably an element of the illicit, an element of the taboo that made those kinds of things really exciting when we were younger and just getting started in these arenas. That now, like seeing somebody's bare breasts, no longer feels taboo to me, so it doesn't have the same kind of zing, kinky arousal Although, let's be clear, seeing someone's bare breasts is a wonderful thing in nearly any context, always happy to see them. But things like that that at some point can feel taboo, can cease to be taboo once they become familiar. Just be aware that that can happen. If you want something to become less taboo for you, for example, if you have a lover who has expressed an interest in something, that kind of squicks you out a little bit and feels really taboo and is like I don't know that, I could go there, spend some time thinking about it, writing about it, talking to a safe person about it and maybe bringing it in a little bit to your own pleasure practice, while you're also doing things that you do find pleasurable. You can actually rewire. We can rewire our pleasure zones and our ability to experience pleasure into new ways, into new arenas.
Speaker 2:
So like, let's say, you have a partner that really wants to have their chest slapped or bitten or pinched really hard, their nipples pinched really hard during sex, and you're like, ah, that feels weird to me.
Speaker 2:
I don't really, I don't want to hurt you.
Speaker 2:
Like one way to help yourself move through that, if you want to be able to meet that person in that place and meet that need for them, is to talk about it with another person so that it becomes less taboo to practice it on your own body gently, gently, gently, until you can feel where there's some pleasure for you, and then turn up the heat a little bit, turn up the intensity a little bit and see if you can experience pleasure in that way and do something you know you like.
Speaker 2:
So stroke your genitals or use a vibrator or a toy in a way that you know is pleasurable for you, while you start adding some intensity into some nipple play, some pinching, maybe some gentle biting, and your brain can start to associate that activity with pleasure and that makes our brain open up and be like, oh okay, maybe this is less scary. Hey, look, I did it once, I can do it again. But start small and then build over time so that we're actually increasing our capacity and what can be sometimes called our window of tolerance for these sensations and for these things, if we increase them slowly over time and combine them with things that we know we feel pleasure in. Some people also call this titrating.
Speaker 1:
I love this. At the beginning we've been talking about how these self-pleasure sessions, when you're practicing in the different blueprints, can make you a better lover or the best lover. You can be a best partner I like to say lover, I just love that term but this is a good example. So let's say you're not a kinky type, but your partner is a kinky type, or you want to be with someone who is into kink and you're just not wired that way. Well then, you can.
Speaker 1:
If you've figured out your blueprint, self-pleasure in the way that you know is going to get you all juiced up and then add in some kinky stuff and start associating pleasure with the kinky stuff, which will then make you more capable of meeting your partner's needs in a way. That's also nourishing to you, right? It's not like you have to self-abandon and be kinky, right, because we never want to do that, but you can like, right, you can expand your ability to experience pleasure in a way that you can meet, meet your partner's needs and enjoy it. I love that. That that is so true and I've seen it in my own, in my own sexual journey, like things that you know even two, three years ago would have been a hard no, now I'm like yes. Or now I'm like I went to yes and I'm like ah, that's old news.
Speaker 2:
I can't believe that was ever a problem for me. Sometimes it's just a block in our mind that keeps us from going there. But once we actually try it we're like, oh my God, I had no idea that was going to be so good, and now I love it. I can't believe I ever said no to this.
Speaker 2:
And we can do this in any of the blueprint types and with so many different activities, even beyond the erotic.
Speaker 2:
Jaya, in the language of the blueprints Jaya, calls this expanding your blueprints, expanding into your blueprints. Jaya believes that eventually we can all become shapeshifter-like, even if we're not a true shapeshifter type. We can become like a shapeshifter because we all have the capacity to expand into each of these erotic blueprint types and for most people, with appropriate speed, gentleness, et cetera, we can find things in all of these blueprint types that we find pleasurable. We can rewire ourselves into pleasure with things that otherwise are just kind of neutral. We can wire them into pleasurable experiences. We can actually wire ourselves to orgasm from many different types of sensation. For example, if we are in a place like imagine that you're stroking the head of your penis or the head of your clitoris and simultaneously you start stroking this spot on your cheek. If you do that enough times, eventually you'll be able to stroke this spot on your cheek and it will feel like you are stroking your genitals and you will be able to climax from that.
Speaker 1:
So you've given us a lot of things we can do. Now, obviously, you shared nipple clamps, you shared floggers that you can use at the same time as you're exploring kind of kinks. There are lots of different toys you can plug in. The options are endless. So, and also what you think about and fantasize about. So I guess I guess, then, actually, my masturbation sessions are quite often psychologically kinky, I'll admit to that. So that's fantastic. Now, if you've been listening, we've already covered. We started with the energetic type, then we went to the sensual type, correct, and then after that we went to the sexual erotic blueprint. Now we are at kinky, and next week we are going to be talking about shapeshifters. So go back and listen to the past ones they're all going to be linked below and stay tuned for next week because we're going to talk about the shapeshifter, who is a person who can move into all of the different blueprints and enjoy it, and that's going to be exciting for us because, well, we're shapeshifters.
Speaker 2:
And anybody can become a shapeshifter or like a shapeshifter by spending some time expanding into all of our erotic blueprint types.
Speaker 1:
Before we go, I'd love for you to tell everybody a little bit more about you and where to find you.
Speaker 2:
So again, my name is Avery Dean Swift. My pronouns are they and them. Erotic blueprint coaching is a piece of the work I do and I actually offer, with my erotic blueprint packages, jaya's eight module online coursework to do a deep dive into really learning about all the parts and pieces of the erotic blueprints and how they flow within us. I coach individuals as well as couples, polycules, et cetera, around increasing and improving their sex life, their communication, their pleasure and their joy, as well as coaching folks in spiritual embodiment, trauma resolution and somatic embodiment. So if you want to find out more about me or contact me, you can find me at wwwembodyyoursensescom, and my Instagram and Facebook handles are also at embodyyoursenses, and then my yoga therapy and somatic embodiment site is wwwgorgebodywisecom.
Speaker 1:
We are going to be dropping a link to the erotic blueprint quiz below so that you can take it and get an idea of which blueprint you might be. You're going to want to do that Also. I have opened my books for coaching and I am working with people of all genders when it comes to intimacy, pleasure and relationship coaching. I'm focusing on bisexual women as well and helping guide you in your journey through your sexual identity, especially if you're a later in life bi woman. So feel free to scroll down, click on my link.
Speaker 1:
You guys also know if you have any questions or comments, you can shoot me an email at Annette, at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. You can scroll down. There is a voicemail, a speak pipe. You can send me a question. But I want to encourage you, if you have a question specifically about this episode, to go to my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti and leave a comment. Drop a comment below the video, because it helps me stay organized and get to your question or comment and know what it is associated with and also ask the correct person, which would be Avery Dean, to help me answer your question. So until next time, folks, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.
