Masturbation Monday: 20 Reasons Women Don’t Want Sex + Bonus Insight

By listener request, I’m covering 20 reasons why women don’t want to have sex. Last week on Masturbation Monday, I covered the top reasons women do want to have sex but a listener wrote in telling me the question I was asking was the wrong one to be focusing on. He had some very specific ideas about why women don’t want sex. Listen in to hear what he had to say and what a community of sex-positive women had to say when asked why they didn’t want to have sex sometimes.

Don’t worry. This episode ends on a positive note and with some solid advice for men who think women don’t want to have sex.

Find me on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@annettebenedetti
Subscribe to my e-newsletter: https://she-explores-life.ck.page/e9760c390c
Ask a question, Leave a Comment: https://www.speakpipe.com/LockerRoomTalkPodcast

Funfactory.com has partnered with Locker Room Talk & Shots so when you use my special code SELS20, you get 20% off your fun factory purchase. Just head to https://us.funfactory.com/and use my code SELS20 at check out for 20% off sex toys, lube massage oils, and more

Get 15% off lingerie, sex toys, and body products when you shop Lovehoney.com and use code EXPLORES15

Lovehoney: https://lovehoneyus.sjv.io/rQ15ZR

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:25

do the sex. Welcome to Masturbation Monday with me, annette Benedetti, your host for Locker Room Talk and Chats. This is your invitation to join me for coffee in bed and a candid conversation about the masturbation practice I'm developing to support my mental, physical and emotional health and help manifest my dreams. Masturbation Monday is a guide to self-pleasure, better sex and using the power of the pussy to open new doors to a better life. Today's Masturbation Monday topic is 20 reasons why women don't want to have sex. It is inspired by a message that a listener left on my last Masturbation Monday podcast episode, which was all of the reasons why women do want to have sex, so I am going to read it to you really quick. This individual wrote in and said the bigger question is why do women not want to have sex? Unfortunately, I think the answer is often control, the reason being there is no power in yes, only power in no. Instead of considering all of the reasons why they want to have sex, they sabotage themselves by focusing on one reason, not to often imagined. Of course, that's in the context of monogamous relationship. There are plenty of reasons not to have sex outside of a relationship. If a woman is looking for an excuse. This question is problematic for lots of reasons. First of all, it's dripping with vitriol and hatred for women. So I would say, probably, this man probably shouldn't be having sex with women anyway. Second of all, saying that there's no power in yes and only no feels a little creepy and lacking understanding of consent and what that's all about. And finally, the rest of it's just dismissive of women's ability to be self-aware and know why they want or don't want to have sex. So, in an effort to back up my suspicions around this kind of question now this is one person who wrote in. There were plenty of other men who wrote in and said similar things to this. I thought what I would do is I would just reach out to women. I have a large community of sex positive women online and I'd poll them and I'd ask them for their reasons about why they didn't want to have sex. Now, if this individual was correct, it would have taken them a long time to think up their answers and figure out why they don't want to have sex. But the reality is I got a flood of responses from women who were eager to share why they don't want to have sex when they don't want to have sex, and I've come up with 20 reasons. I will be reading their statements to you, but this is Masturbation Monday, so I don't want to leave it on a sour note. So the good news is I had reached out to the same community of women to find out why they wanted to have sex last week, and long after I had already posted my episode, answers came flooding in. So I will end this podcast with more reasons why women really want to have sex.

Speaker 1: 3:46

Let's get ready to have coffee in bed and talk about sex. I'm going to start with my reasons for not wanting to have sex when I don't want to have sex. Let's get ready to have coffee in bed and talk about sex. I'm going to start with my reasons for not wanting to have sex when I don't want to have sex. Some of them have to do with when I'm in a serious, long-term, committed relationship, and some of them have to do when I'm single and I just have an opportunity and then I don't want to have sex. So let's dive in.

Speaker 1: 4:07

Number one if I feel taken for granted for not treated well or there's unresolved conflict in relationship. It just kills the mood and I don't want to do it. Number two when it feels transactional, like I'm being used as an object and not seen and valued for who I am. This can happen inside a relationship, but this is, more often than not, more common to when I'm single and have the opportunity to have sex or I've been invited to. This is a huge turnoff for me. Transactional sex is boring to me. Now I know that it can be fun for some people and it has been fun at points in my life, but at this point in my life it's just not very interesting to me.

Speaker 1: 4:52

Number three if I don't like the person or I'm getting an ick. Now this may seem obvious, but I think there are a lot of times when we're with people that we think we like and then something just starts to feel off about them as we get to know them better or something happens and you're kind of like oh, do I like this person? And when I get that uncertainty and even if I can't nail it down inside of myself, don't want to do it. Number four If the sex isn't good or boring. If it's boring, I have been with partners where the sex has just gotten boring and we can't seem to get past that into a place where we're having fun again. So yeah. Or sometimes I have been with someone and it was just bad sex and couldn't fix it. Some people think that you can fix it if you work on it and I've had experiences where it was just like I don't, I can't, we can't get past this, I don't want to do it. So, moving on to the other comments, I will be naming these women by their first and second initials. Only MP says when they feel like I'm a sure thing. Sometimes I just want to make out. If it's mutual we'll move forward. But I asked my ex-husband for a makeout session once and he acted like a child.

Speaker 1: 6:13

Lack of foreplay, forced foreplay If I'm not in the mood. I'm not in the mood, get it. Sometimes my brain slash mood, get in the way. If I'm depressed, it's not going to make me well. Making someone else have pleasure if I physically and mentally can't doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel more broken. So we've got mental health.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Sometimes when the mood's off and not good at foreplay, the next one, we'll just call her A. I tend to get bored with it when it's all they want. I have also been with plenty of men who learned about sex from pornography, it when it's all they want. I have also been with plenty of men who learned about sex from pornography, but when it comes to real life sex with a woman, they know next to nothing about our privates and which spots to touch and won't go anywhere near the pleasure. Not People like that in my experience were also very clingy and I felt restless and bored afterwards.

Speaker 1: 7:04

She adds it's also a turnoff when people try to push their own kinks onto me. Just because there are ones that I like doesn't mean I like all of them. And no means no, not. Oh, my God, please sell me on this idea that I've already said no to the next one. Mf says call me an old-fashioned lady, but I believe in chivalry, which is all about respect, and no foreplay equals no sex. Smoking and drinking have never been on my radar because I simply won't allow it. And if your words don't match your actions, another turnoff, I guess. In all. For me it's all about respect, integrity and connection. So if respect, integrity and connection aren't there, you're not getting laid.

Speaker 1: 7:49

C wrote in and said irregular foreplay and or lack of effort to help me get off. So foreplay is a big theme here. Bad foreplay, no sex, bad hygiene Take that one to heart. Folks Me doing most of the emotional labor. And then finally she says mornings, mornings, make her not want sex. I can get on board with that. Morning sex for me is like it's not a given. It's not a given.

Speaker 1: 8:16

Rm wrote in and said I am very physical and sexual person so it's really rare that I don't want sexual contact of some sort. Most of the time if I decide I don't want it it's because I do not believe my partner is as into it as I am, or I am. So in my head I don't feel like they can get me out of it. Like I'm too much effort for them to put into me right now, like I'm not worth the effort. So if they feel like there's a partner who's not going to rise to whatever the challenge is to get her off, she's not interested.

Speaker 1: 8:48

Jl writes in and says I have a really high sex drive so it's rare that I don't want it. I might turn it down if I have a migraine, but not always. Otherwise, the only real mood killer for me is when I'm angry. I was never allowed to be angry growing up, so everything just kind of goes cold inside until I figure out how to communicate what's bothering me and then all the desire comes rushing back. Jl is Polly. She says that's specific to her partner, her nesting partner. So she goes on to say with other people I get turned off by passive aggression oh, me too Passive aggression, not interested in you anymore. By people who are stuck on themselves and by people who don't pay attention or just barge ahead when I've tried to communicate my edges, as shallow as it sounds. I also struggle not to be turned off by less than pleasant odors.

Speaker 1: 9:39

Getting back to the hygiene, or when someone is a bad kisser Kissing incompatibility is a thing I agree. I feel like if I'm making out with someone and we just can't ever click or have a really passionate kiss, then sex probably is going to be so-so, maybe not worth the effort. Tien wrote in and said Not feeling seen by my partner. Lack of emotional support, only desiring me when I'm fun. Lack of integrity, being tired and overwhelmed. Partners not listening when I tell them what I like in bed or what feels best to my body. So this all comes down to not being seen or heard and partners who really aren't paying attention to your needs.

Speaker 1: 10:22

Kh wrote in and she says not feeling, seen or heard. This is like. This is a thing. This is a thing women experience, she says, when it's not as spicy as it used to be and the old no foreplay is a total lady would killer. Sometimes I just want to be held and kissed. A boner in the back is not foreplay, not foreplay. And then she says actions, not matching words and drunks Get the fuck out of here with that. So drunks are definitely a turnoff to a lot of women. Cr adds whiskey, dick. Drunkenness in general is a big turnoff to me at this point in my life, probably because I don't really drink anymore. And BW writes in and says lack of connection in the relationship. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, lb wrote in and everyone agreed with this, including me.

Speaker 1: 11:22

We don't have to have a reason. We don't need to know the reason, nor is anyone owed an explanation. We may not always be able to tell why we aren't feeling it and we don't owe anyone the energy expense to go soul searching so we can give them a reason. Sometimes we just don't want sex, and that should be enough of an answer. No is a complete sentence. Also, nothing kills desire more than pressure. So there you go 20 plus reasons why women don't want to have sex and I think if you're listening to them they sound reasonable. But let's not end on that note. I want to sum this up with some of the really wonderful reasons why women do want to have sex. So last week, some of the answers I was not able to share with you are these LB wrote in and said as a person with ADHD, sex is one of the only ways I can stop the constant spinning in my brain and just focus on the now, especially since I stopped drinking, it's one of the only things that can turn off the noise.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Folks, I have ADHD and this resonates with me so deeply when I'm with a good lover and I'm having sex and making love. Boy, it can just. It is relief. It's a relief from all of the other noise in my head. It's wonderful. Cb writes in and says getting pounded passionately and or having orgasms tends to be a great way to inspire me and help me have a deep cry to cleanse the root chakra. Oh, boy, again I want to say this resonates with me. I have been doing a lot of cleansing and crying with orgasms in the last handful of months and it's medicine. She also says hey, I like pleasure. We want to have sex for pleasure. I said that in the last podcast.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Jl writes in and says the primary reason for having sex with my partner is connection, but also it's fun and centering. It grounds me. But there are also certain situations where it's a feat of endurance. I love that feeling of pushing all your edges and being spent in the best ways. Sb writes in and says the reason I love to have sex is I love to touch, feel and taste, be close, share those natural urges. But and it's a big but I have to be attracted. I'm rather sapiosexual so I can fall in love with the mind as well as the physical person, but I meet not a one that thrills me and keeps me interested. So she's struggling with that.

Speaker 1: 14:08

Ch says the reasons why she wants to have sex are very similar to the reasons why I love and crave yoga and dancing. It just feels good to move my body and feel connected to it through all of the sensations. I also think I like it for the same reasons. People like weighted blankets. There's just something physiologically calming about the weight of someone on you and that, sadly, sex toys can't replicate. Also, the people pleaser in me loves making other people feel good, and experiencing someone's enjoyment of my body is just the best Share to joy whether it's sex or dancing or music is just such a wonderful thing.

Speaker 1: 14:50

And then she adds and sometimes my body just very clearly and physically is telling me that has been too long and I need to get laid, and all the common sense goes out the window. And finally, mp says I used to use sex as a way to not be alone and to feel desirable. However, feeling the pulsing of my partner's O really puts me over the edge and made me feel not only close to the person, but I felt a little power and magic in that moment. So women like to have sex because it feels powerful and magical. Okay, I've now given you 20 solid reasons and reasonable reasons women don't want to have sex. I have given you lots and lots of reasons why we do want to have sex.

Speaker 1: 15:36

So to my original commenter and to people who feel like he does, I suggest you take some time to reflect if this is still your state of mind after listening to this podcast, because perhaps the reason why women are telling you they don't want to have sex isn't just for control and it's not because they don't know what they want.

Speaker 1: 15:59

We now know. They know solidly what they do and don't want. It might just be that they don't want to have sex with you and perhaps it's because you're doing some of the things I just talked about. Tweak things a little bit. Change your mindset. You never know. Your experience with women might be different. If you have questions, comments, want to send me your thoughts, feel free to email me at Annette at SheExploresLifecom. If you are a listener, you can head over to YouTube where you can watch this podcast episode. You can drop your comment in the comments section below and I will take a look at it and respond either with a video or maybe a full podcast episode, if and when possible. Thank you again for joining me for Masturbation Monday and until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.