Masturbation Monday: 10 Mistakes Men Make When They Go Down on a Woman

Grab your coffee and hop in bed with me for a lesson on what NOT to do when you go down on a woman. I'm sharing 10 things men get wrong during oral sex. But don't worry. I also share at least 10 tips on what you can do to make orgasm during oral sex. Don't forget to check out the episodes I mentioned below:

Sex Talk 101: https://youtu.be/KPtFCy2BvIQ

Erotic Blue Prints: What's Your Sexual Super Power: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1692988/11034772

Transform Your Sex Life: Erotic Blueprints Part 2: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1692988/11069034

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:25

Do the sex. Welcome to masturbation Monday with me, annette Benedetti, your host for locker room talk and chats. This is your invitation to join me for coffee in bed and a candid conversation about the masturbation practice I'm developing to support my mental, physical and emotional health and help manifest my dreams. Masturbation Monday is a guide to self-pleasure, better sex and using the power of the pussy to open new doors to a better life Ring-lobe. Today's masturbation Monday topic is 10 big mistakes men make when they go down on a woman. Today's topic is covering one of my favorite subjects oral sex.

Speaker 1: 1:12

As a bisexual, pansexual woman, I not only love to receive oral sex from my partners, I also really love giving it, and certainly during my self-love practices, aka masturbation sessions, I fantasize about receiving a lot, but sometimes fantasy doesn't always correlate with reality, meaning all too often my oral sex experiences as a receiver well, they fall flat and turn out to be disappointing in the real world. Look, I'm not alone. I recently found myself in a conversation with a group of women who are all sharing their frustrations with how men specifically tend to give women and vulva owners oral sex. Throughout the conversation I found that there were 10 common complaints we all have, and today I'm going to share them with you so that everyone can start feeling more satisfied and good about themselves in bed and, specifically, in oral sex situations. So grab your coffee cup and join me in bed and let's get ready to talk about oral sex. Cheers, all right. So first of all, folks, I want to reiterate I obviously also give women and vulva owners oral sex when I am dating a woman, and I have often said in my podcast episodes, this is where I feel most confident, just because I know what things feel like on my own body and I've got the same equipment. So it was reassuring to hear that myself, along with a large group of other women, all had sort of the same experiences when it came to frustration. So I hope that these 10 things I'm going to share with you are going to help you feel more confident and please your partner when you are going down on her.

Speaker 1: 3:20

This is a true inside scoop, and I'm going to start right off the bat with number one, which can be really challenging, especially for cis heterosexual men to grasp Oral sex is not foreplay. First of all, that's the first thing you have to understand when you go down on a woman. This is not foreplay. Oral sex is sex to a woman. So the first thing women complain about is men not doing the foreplay. Before going down, we really need to be warmed up. So an obvious question you probably have is well, what is foreplay if it's not oral sex?

Speaker 1: 4:04

Foreplay for women really starts with engaging her mind. Look, I'm sure you've heard it before that women's orgasms are closely connected to what's going on in her mind. We get mentally and emotionally turned on, and so an easy way to start your foreplay out is with sexy talk, talking sexy. This could be romantic. This could be telling her she's beautiful, telling her you want her. If you don't know where to start with a sex talk, I have an entire podcast episode on sex talk 101. I'm gonna post it in the notes to this podcast below so that you can just go click on it and listen to it and get some tips.

Speaker 1: 4:55

But really starting by wooing her with words, getting her wet with words, is a great place to start your foreplay. And then the next step would be engaging her entire body. Before you even get in to touching her pussy, start with kissing, have a long, incredible make-out session. Touching this could start with hand holding. This could start with stroking her face or her neck. I would highly advise finding out what kind of touch she likes, and a great way to do that is to find out what her sexual blueprint is. Again, if you haven't heard of the sexual blueprints, that's something that would be great for you to dive into. I will post a link to that information below.

Speaker 1: 5:43

But basically, each of us, every human, regardless of gender, has a sexual blueprint, a kind of sex that really turns them on. For some it's sensual touch, for some it's more BDSM, pain-oriented touch. I'm not talking slapping and stuff like that, although for some people, some people may want a little spank before you get into the actual sex. Finding out what your partner's sexual blueprint is is really going to help you figure out and inform how you approach foreplay. So, as you're doing foreplay, the very last thing you're gonna touch, stroke, stimulate before going down on a woman is the genital. So start with the mind, move on to the body the lips, the breasts, maybe a massage, the thighs, the legs, perhaps the feet, and then work your way to the pussy.

Speaker 1: 6:42

Number two the second thing men do wrong when they are going down on a woman is the minute it's time to start the oral sex. They go in hard and fast on the clip. They go down, they find it, they clamp onto it, they start sucking, sucking, sucking or licking really fast, doing that lizard tongue thing back and forth, and that's a big no-no. It is a big no-no. First of all, the clit is extremely sensitive and it can be painful. When someone just goes down and clamps on it and starts sucking really hard or licking really hard, tongues can be very rough. Basically, what happens when you do that is a woman will numb out, it will hurt her, she will not enjoy it and you'll be done before you even started. So some of the best advice I can give you is try treating a woman's vulva, the whole area, that inner lips, the outer lips, the hood over the clit, the vaginal opening, like they are, the lips on her face. Start with softly touching and kissing them, let them warm up with very gentle, light contact before you start to move your focus to the clitoris. Again, if you over-stimulate the clitoris, well, you're gonna be done before you even started.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Number three don't forget the rest of the body. Oral sex is a full body experience for a woman and it's not uncommon as someone going down on a full the owner or a woman to get so caught up in concentrating on the pussy because that's where in your mind the orgasm is going to happen that you forget the rest of the body. But it's super important to remember to keep the rest of the body lit up. So, from wherever you're at, you can stroke a woman's thighs. You can move your hands around and grab her ass. Stroke her ass, I'm not saying and start your fingers into her ass. Don't go for the gold right away, but stroking her thighs, inner, outer, her back. Reach a hand up. I personally love to have my lower stomach and right over the pubic bone lightly, gently tickled in stroke. If you have longer arms, you can reach up and you can stimulate her breasts while you are kissing her. This is really going to up the level of her excitement. She's gonna feel engaged with you. If you are just sitting down there with your hands in one spot, not moving, licking away, you are going to lose her and I understand it's just because you're so enthralled with what you're doing. Remember, it's a full body experience. When you are just focused and sucking and licking away aggressively, she can start to feel like you're rushing her and you just want her to orgasm and that's never a good feeling for us. Number four this one is super important.

Speaker 1: 9:54

The fourth thing I'm gonna talk about that men do that is a huge mistake during oral sex is using the pointy, dagger-like tongue. I don't know who taught you guys this, but you gotta throw it away. If you turn your tongue into a hard dagger and just start prodding away down there, you're going to hurt us. We don't get pleasure from that. It also just feels really weird. It feels really weird. Soften your tongue, Make it wide and flat and do gentle, long strokes and brushes across the clit, the vulva area, if you don't know where the clit is. Also, the wider you make that tongue, the more likely in your brush strokes you are to cover more area and hit the spots on her vulva that are hot An exciting turn. Sometimes I've talked about this before the clit isn't even the primary place that really lights a woman up. There are a lot of erogenous zones on the vulva and you don't want to neglect those.

Speaker 1: 11:00

This feeds directly into the fifth thing that women really want men to stop doing when they're going down on them, and that is using your tongue like a penis and ramming away Again. I don't know where you guys came up with this, but I have never met a woman who's raved about a man using his tongue as though it were a penis and going straight for the vaginal opening and ramming away. Sure, we may enjoy having our vaginal opening licked and stimulated, but I promise you your tongue is not likely to be long enough or big enough to reach or fully stimulate our G spot or to fill us up. And most of you do it with such enthusiasm. We start feeling bad for you and whoops, here comes the performative response, which is what women oftentimes default to when men are enthusiastically doing something that really isn't working for us and you don't want us to get in that place where we feel like we have to act for you, to make you feel better and to save your ego. So just so you know, ramming your tongue in our vaginal opening as though it were a penis is not the move. You could do a little, a little bit of it. You can lick the area, especially if you see she's responding to it, but like Doing that for a long period of time is getting you nowhere except to a place where you might Only get to enjoy a fake orgasm.

Speaker 1: 12:35

Number six this is going to help with the former two issues. You have more than your tongue to work with. So oftentimes when men go down on women, they are just so enthusiastically using their mouth they forget they have two hands. You have ten fingers and and, just like when you are receiving oral sex from a woman and you expect her to get her hands involved, we want you to get your hands involved too. If your mouth is getting tired, you can use a moist finger to rub over the labia. We also would rather you insert your fingers into our vaginal opening for the G spot rather than just Relying on your tongue to do that work. And don't forget, you can also Use your hands to grab a vibrator or a dildo if she wants it.

Speaker 1: 13:31

Now. Don't do this without having conversation ahead of time. Make sure she's ready for penetration, make sure she's wet and she seems to to enjoy it. When you start to like, insert a finger, don't just grab a toy without consent and try shoving it in her. But you have more than your lips and tongue to work with and we expect you to use everything you have. So, number seven I started to talk about communication and maybe I should have talked about communication at the beginning, but I am going to tie it in now. When you are going down on a woman, do not quiz her on what she wants to have happen at that time. I am the first to always encourage communication when it comes to sex and pleasure.

Speaker 1: 14:14

But waiting till your face is buried in your woman's pussy to ask her open-ended questions like what feels good, where do you want me to look and how hard do you like it? It just really takes a girl out of the moment, out of her body, and puts her right into her head, right where you don't want her. If you want her to orgasm, you want her in her body, you want her in the moment. Make sure to have these open-ended Conversations in advance, now. If she struggles to answer the questions prior to Having sex, then in the moment, keep the questions closed in it yes or no? Does this feel good? Yes, do you like this? Yes, but don't overdo it. Don't overdo it. Don't ask it every like 10 seconds, because again it takes us out of the moment. So what do you do? What if you do? If you're down there, you've asked a couple closed-ended questions and You're still not sure what she's enjoying. Maybe she's very quiet. This brings me to issue number eight.

Speaker 1: 15:22

We hate it when men ignore our cues, our physical cues. One of the best ways to be really good at going down on a woman is to pay attention to her physical cues. Women well communicate their likes, dislikes and needs with you through obvious Physical cues. If you are paying attention, you will catch them. We speak with our body in a language that is almost as easy to understand as words. If you are actually listening and Care about our needs, you're gonna catch it. You're gonna learn it real quick. We use our body to help guide you. For example, if I'm arching my back and I'm shifting to the right, I want you to follow me and move to the right. You're Likely off target and a little bit too far to the left. If I am clenching my legs and pulling back away from you, you're going in too hard. Women react to pleasure and pain and we definitely tell you with our body. So pay attention, listen to the sounds we make. You'll hear us react when we're excited. This brings me to number nine.

Speaker 1: 16:36

The ninth common complaint we all have about men Giving us oral sex is when you guys rush it or when we feel like you're rushing in, when you are goal oriented and you are just wanting us to orgasm, you go down fast, you go down hard. You do one thing consistently because you think it's the thing that's gonna make us come, and we can tell you are in a rush To get us to the orgasm and it feels like you're making our pleasure all about you. Giving a woman oral sex is not about you, it's about her. It takes the average woman around 20 minutes to climax. So when you go down on a woman, understand you're gonna wanna be mixing it up. You're gonna wanna start out kissing lately and stroking, using your tongue, your lips, your fingers, exploring different areas of her body, getting her whole body involved, maybe having a toy on board. Don't make us feel rushed. If you make us feel rushed, we're either gonna fake it or we're not gonna come and eventually just give out. Let us savor it. That is how you are going to get all the praise I know you want for having made us climax.

Speaker 1: 17:49

And number 10, and this is one that almost doesn't even bear needing to be mentioned I'm sure if you've done any research on giving a woman oral sex, you've heard this again and again, but I am going to say it because it clearly needs to be said again and again Do not change things up when we are about to come. If she says to you I'm gonna come, I'm coming, or I'm almost there, or you can tell she's getting almost there because you're listening to the physical cues Do not change things up. And mostly what I mean is don't go faster, don't go harder. That is not the answer to getting her there, unless, of course, she says harder, more, faster. Put your fingers in me. Then obviously do what she says, but stay consistent, because typically, whatever you're doing is hitting the right spot and she wants you to just keep doing it, because it will get her there.

Speaker 1: 18:50

I hope that these 10 things that we wish you would stop doing will help lead you to 10 things that we really want you to do. I've given you tips, along with every one of those issues I've raised, that should help guide you to giving your partner amazing oral pleasure. Let me know your thoughts. Did I miss something? Is there something you wish I had included? Is there something that you don't necessarily agree with? Do you have a question, because I am going to be answering questions on my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti.

Speaker 1: 19:27

Starting this week, listener questions have been coming in through my Speak Pipe link. You can scroll down and click on it and leave me a voice message with a question. I have been getting emails. I have been getting lots of comments and questions left on my YouTube channel and I'm going to be answering them in video format. I am also going to be answering them with guests in video format short little clips that get you the answers to the questions you desire as fast as possible. So send me your questions, leave me a voice message, drop a comment over on my YouTube channel at Annette Benedetti. I'm happy to have conversations and to get you answers to the questions you have so that you can start having better sex and intimacy and more fulfilling relationships starting tonight. So until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers, I am being lured.