Masturbation Monday: Coochie Conversations & Safe Spaces For Black Women's Voices

Today Sarahca Peterson creator of the Kegel Krew on Tik Tok joins me to talk about why Coochie Conversations are important and why creating safe spaces for Black Women to speak about and lead the conversations about women's sexuality and sexual health is vital.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:25

Do the sex.

Speaker 2: 0:27

Welcome to masturbation Monday with me, annette Benedetti, your host for locker room talk and chats. This is your invitation to join me for coffee and bed and a candid conversation about the masturbation practice I'm developing to support my mental, physical and emotional health and help manifest my dreams. Masturbation Monday is a guide to self pleasure, better sex and using the power of the pussy to open new doors to a better life.

Speaker 1: 0:57

Ring-loom.

Speaker 2: 1:01

Day's masturbation Monday topic is a special one. First of all, it's the first one where I've had a guest, so I'm excited about that. But I am focusing on the kuchi culture and the importance of conversations around women's sexuality, pleasure, sexual health and the necessity for safe spaces for women but black women in particular to not only be having but leading these conversations, and we're gonna be talking about why why that's so important, and I have a guest today to help lead me through this conversation and help both myself and my listeners understand better this topic. My guest today is Zerica.

Speaker 2: 1:47

She is the spoken word artist you wish you heard a long time ago. She's the executive director of the art of community and the founder and CEO of the Round Table Project. But if you are on social media TikTok or Instagram you probably know her better as the creator of the Kaila crew, where she has been helping women around the world tighten and tone their kuchis, and she's also been shining a light on kuchi culture and the importance of the conversations that you know women are just really starting to have openly about sex, sexuality and sexual health. She is also the creator of bottom up podcast on YouTube, where she is going to be streaming a live event, a live kuchi conversation, next Monday, the 18th of March, and she's gonna tell you not only a little bit more about herself, but about this now yes, yes, thank you, and that's so good to be here with you again.

Speaker 1: 2:47

Bottom up podcast. March 18th, in honor of women's history month, we will be having a two hour special edition of the bottom up podcast and our topic is kuchi culture and we're gonna have people from the Kigo crew who have been in support and, you know, some other special guests to come join us in having this conversation. Yeah, looking forward to it. Y'all tune in.

Speaker 2: 3:15

Yes, tune in. And also, at the end of this podcast you are gonna get all of Sarika's socials so you can follow her and join the Kigo crew, because we all should be doing some Kigo's but also having these very important conversations. Sometimes people have a hard time understanding the connection point for women between being able to openly talk about sex and taking back our power, and I feel like today this conversation with Sarika is really gonna like nail it down for all of us. So, sarika, I know you got coffee over there and it's morning time for me.

Speaker 1: 3:59

Hey.

Speaker 2: 4:01

Cheers. Let's talk about kuchi culture. So Sarika and I were talking before we hit record and just jumped into the depths of the conversation, so we're gonna bring it to your table now. I wanna just start with your take on, like how kuchi culture came into your world and how you, as a black woman, started having these conversations, what made you decide to do that and what is your experience my experience as a white woman. I understand I have privilege in this area and as unsafe as it feels for me and it does feel unsafe I get a lot of judgment. I understand that your experience is definitely riskier and more challenging than mine and I want to take a moment to honor that and then also have you speak on that.

Speaker 1: 5:02

Yeah. So, like I said before we started recording, these types of conversations are few and far between within the black community and there aren't many safe spaces for women black women to talk about our sexual health and or desires. Sexuality within the black community alone is a tough, tough conversation. Like you're not gonna get that conversation with people in a community who a religious background prevents them from even opening their minds up to hear anything about sexuality. It has a negative meaning within our community. Yet we are some of the most sexually exploited people in the world and we don't talk about that.

Speaker 1: 6:04

When other people view us as exotic and or someone who they just want to try or fetishize, we have that but we don't talk about it and it creates such a harsh reality for us as we begin to discover who we are as women After we have children, when we're seeking mates and partners. What are our desires? What do we want in a relationship? And, honestly, like so many conversations are being had within social media period and about relationships and when we talk about even that relationships, there is a standard that people have when involving with a mate of what you want sexually, like you have it. Whether we talk about it or not. You know if this is going to be a deal breaker for you, if this person can't sexually please you and these types of conversations where we can go from one end of the spectrum to the other to talk about it. You know we're not having these conversations in a way that heals us as a community and there is definitely healing in sexual health. There's definitely a space for us to have these conversations while talking about sexual health Be it procreation or pleasure that black women need that space to talk, to discover, to learn what it is like, what it is there.

Speaker 1: 8:01

There are things we're learning, even myself that I'm learning about my body as a 41 year old black woman and I'm learning this probably within the last five years of my life. You know with you know, understanding the phases that we go through and who we are. You just hear about, all of a sudden, women getting menopause. But what does that do? You know? You go from. You know now you're menstruating at 1213. I started when I was 12 years old and that conversation with my mom. Some of us don't get the birds and the bees conversations. Some of us don't get those conversations, so we're left to learn what that is from our peers and If they're not getting it from their parents, a lot of Sexualizing of young black girls comes from the older black men in our communities.

Speaker 2: 9:04

Can we talk about that a little bit? The risk so first of all, you've said that the conversations aren't happening Often. Among you know a black woman and black young girls. Can we talk about the reason for that and the risk that Women feel like they carry if they start to have those conversations?

Speaker 1: 9:27

There's this thing like okay, you know our music has been, you know, using the bitches and hoes every day in our music and in how we relay messages and talk about women. And the thing is when, when you're sexualized at a young age, you know if you're, if you're a young girl. I was a shapely young girl, very shapely, always had Big thighs, big butts, small waist, and that's just been my curvy body. So even at a young age, older men would see me as somebody who's Sexually advanced because of my body. You know something I had no control over. You know I'm eating what my parents give me. That's, that's what I have.

Speaker 1: 10:25

And you know, even the women in our community who may see these young girls, who myself was shapely, they think you fast because of the way you you're dressing. They think you're yours, you know you're promiscuous. They think that is these are just ideas just because of your body. You haven't even said anything. You see what I'm saying. Like you're just existing, you're just around. If you have on tight clothes or a short dress or or something, look too pretty, look too, look to you, look to you and and it be appealing to another person, and you're a child, you're deemed, as you know a fast person, you fast, you're a fast girl. So I mean these are things that I saw, you know, growing up. But you know, as I, as I got older and you know now, with you know the kegel crew and a lot of the the therapy and in shadow work I've been doing in my personal life, you know, I'm realizing how much misinformation I had around sex, how much Non-information I had around sex, and these, these things definitely play a role in my whole health, you know, like as a human being, as a whole human being. You know my vagina is part of that, you know, and there's a way that I have to care for it and take care of it. And if I don't know how to do that, you know how do I do it.

Speaker 1: 12:18

You know, but there was actually there was no Education around it, there was no representation around us. You know these are lack of, you know, just resources that we were lacking for understanding who we are as human beings and that you know that goes all the way back to just our, you know, whole Coming here to America and and how people Viewed us for a period of time, and still some now to these days, a lot of those ways of how we see ourselves Negatively. We were taught it. We were taught to see ourselves as not valuable. So, you know, the music coming out and speaking like that, like there's enough blame to go around, and this isn't about blaming. This is, this is really, you know, bringing it to the forefront, that listen, we got to really have these conversations because we are looking at rising STD HIV rates eight, eight rates within our community, in children and Children, young people, you know, and and because we're not talking about it and not creating Spaces where young girls feel comfortable coming talking to, you know, the older women.

Speaker 1: 13:43

Hey, can you tell me about this without being, you know, slut shamed about what you're doing and how you're doing it and who you're doing it? Where are you being healthy? You know this is our room. This is our life. You know we are the mother of all here. You know black women and in, and what we've had to carry and the things we've had to endure.

Speaker 1: 14:07

It is about time that we focus on all of us, not just the parts that is pleasant for society to talk about, that's deemed, as you know, the respectable thing to do, because you're leaving pieces of human beings on the table To just bleed out and just die.

Speaker 1: 14:28

We have an extremely high rate of Mortality rates for women who black women who are having babies. You know why is that when we talk about the, the father of gynecology and what he knows, we're in this is. This is one of the things that you know, and I'm glad and that that you were open to have this conversation, because, as we have these types of conversations, we got to be real so that we can understand how connected we are in our differences. But also we have to acknowledge that there are facts. There are facts About how we have become this civilization and we have to acknowledge the people who paid prices, severe prices, severe prices for your freedoms and your liberties. You know, you talk about the father of gynecology, what he knows about gynecology, what your doctors who went to school to learn about a woman's body and her vagina and uterus and how those things work. They learned it because of the experiments this man did on black women without anesthesia.

Speaker 2: 16:38

Fact, that's a fact that's a fact yeah that's a fact.

Speaker 2: 16:43

That's a fact. And can I just say something that's important to support what you're saying. People like to say, well, that happened back then and not now. But what we know scientifically is the trauma that we experienced, the trauma you experienced, is passed down in our DNA. It's in our DNA. So, yes, it might have happened quote back then, but it's still happening in the bodies of the people who carry their familial experience. So, yeah, you today, women today, black women today, are still carrying the pain and trauma of the horrific fucking things that were done.

Speaker 1: 17:31

Yeah, I mean, and it is one of the things. It's an acknowledgement. It's not to place blame or any, it's an acknowledgement I just need. And then, not only that it's an acknowledgement to some, but it's making others aware, because there are people who don't know this. There are people who don't know how these things have come about.

Speaker 1: 17:54

So for me to sit here on your platform and talk about the whole experience of a woman and her sexuality and her vagina is because we didn't have a chance to learn who we were without pain, without pain in this country, without pain, we don't know that.

Speaker 1: 18:16

So to me, this is beyond just talking about what you're gonna call it a pussy or a vagina or a click or a coochie and all of those words that make you raise your eyebrows because they may seem inappropriate in certain settings where there needs to be spaces and settings where those words can be spoken and people can ask questions and learn about themselves.

Speaker 1: 18:42

And I can't say there are many places like that that exist and I do spoken word poetry and I can say the first place.

Speaker 1: 18:52

I felt safe and comfortable to be a sexy black woman and wear a short dress or dress a certain way or speak provocative words in my poetry erotic poetry was at a poetry show Was at a poetry show that I felt safe there because, again, it was an erotic poetry night that I went to and that's why I like going to erotic poetry shows to have these types of conversations and they're very few and far between because, again, you have these conversations around creating safe spaces for black women but then when these spaces are created they're not supported, they don't have the enough people don't know that those spaces exist so that they can go that way. But I say all of that to say that this has been a tough pill for me to swallow, because I have two daughters, I have family, I have business that I do outside of sexual health talk, but I'm an activist, I'm a poet and James Baldwin said it, poets are the last truth teller. So this is a truth and I won't allow it to be silenced and it's a part of my experience.

Speaker 2: 20:32

Yeah, and can you tell me why, specifically for you taking that risk and creating the space to have the conversations around women's sexual health first and foremost, which also I have only so I'm about nine years older than you, eight years older than you and I, only in the last five years, also have been learning things that I'm like how the fuck did I not know these things about my body, these essential things about my body? But what makes taking the risk of potentially being viewed different by your community in the public or judged worth the leap of just going ahead and doing it? I mean, really, you exploded on TikTok with your Kegel crew, like having women do Kegels, and I mean there must have been this thought for you at the moment when you realized, oh my God, like thousands, maybe millions of people are viewing me talking about a pussy.

Speaker 1: 21:38

I can honestly say maybe if I would have never done the Kegel videos, I wouldn't have been as ready and willing to have this conversation. I think I owe it to the black women who are a part of the Kegel crew, who support me, who feel safe in the community of the Kegel crew to talk about and ask questions, and I owe it to them to say hey look, we need these spaces to be protected, to be supported, and we need the education and awareness around it because we can't just know it from a space of procreation like, oh, this what we do with this, because that's just not what we do with it. There's so much more to us in who we are. There are men have to support that conversation, because it is about time for that type of support with women in our vaginas, because men are making choices and decisions about our vagina. So you definitely need to learn more, because you can't give us this perspective of who you think we are and it's only from a male's perspective. So men have to stand in protection of these spaces where women can have these types of conversations and not be harassed and not be viewed a certain type of way.

Speaker 1: 23:19

Now, I'm one of the type of people and that, honestly, I really don't give a fuck what people think at this point in my life, like I'm 100% showing up me, authentic. This is who I am and, depending on the topic of the conversation, I always say this thing from the trap house to the White House, I can have a conversation about anything you wanna have a conversation about. And there's a difference when we're talking advocacy, when we're talking healing, when we're talking that. This is an aspect, an area of a human experience that is blighted. It is a plight of theirs. And if I experience it, even if I didn't because in my advocacy I've advocated and fought for people when things did not personally affect me, but this does affect me and black women as a black woman and I don't wanna ever make it seem like I speak for them or us as a community I will say that we have to make sure our voices are heard in every aspect of who we are, in every aspect, and it can't just be all roses and just smell goods, and there's something, really it's the words that I just can't find when I start to talk about a woman's vagina. And God, I can't find those words and I'm a poet. So as we start, as I search for understanding and meaning in the depths of it.

Speaker 1: 25:20

I'm just learning at this point and I want to make sure that, as I have these types of conversations, that I also understand that there's a level of accountability I have to have to future generations to make sure we're having age-appropriate conversations, to make sure that we're making sure consent is there for those types of conversations, but making sure that we have those spaces available for when you are ready and you're curious and you want to know. These are the spaces and places that you can go and there's no shame. You know there's nothing wrong and this is something that not within our community that we have to address, but also the world has to address it too. And how they value and view the Kuchi culture. You know we make a lot of money off of it. You know we make a lot of money and when I say we, you look at the men in Hollywood who, the black men in Hollywood, who have made millions and millions of dollars off of portraying black women, and black women don't make that being themselves. You know. So we are not like so far removed from the oppressive spaces that we want to make it seem like it was that long ago, like it's still affecting us in a more systemic way and a mental and a spiritual and a holistic way.

Speaker 1: 27:11

This conversation and I hope it sparks other conversations for people to start really purging these ideas and thoughts around why aren't black women having these types of conversations and why isn't there support and awareness around this conversation moving forward in a productive way? You're making money off of it. I can name you about six songs right now that says Kuchi, a pussy in it, and it is a billboard song charting, you know. So we're okay with it. We're okay with hearing it, you know. But are we okay with having a conversation? Because then I got to really have this conversation with you in a way that you get past just seeing me as a sexual object, something to bed and not talk to, you know.

Speaker 2: 28:22

Something that you touched on that's true when you were talking about the connection between the vagina, the womb, and God. Don't you feel on some level, that the reason why women have been kept from knowing so much about their own bodies and their rooms and their vagina and being safe and having those open conversations, is because if we were fully connected with that part of our being, in our body, we would be so fucking powerful?

Speaker 1: 28:58

I can say that that's me tapping into my feminine energy and me being a woman. I definitely feel a stronger connection to God and I think that mainly happens one because I'm not involved in a relationship. So my relationship might only and I see God as a male not that he's not a woman or I do so my conversation with him is from a feminine to masculine conversation and I have that level of intimacy because I started to put down my guards and that so much masculine energy that I had, and I can honestly say that my experience has been that I need to tap more into me being a woman, what that is. I know my body, my breasts, my butt, everything about me, my vagina and what is that? I heard this lady say I can't even think of her name right now, but I thought it was.

Speaker 1: 30:26

When I heard it, I think I was like 22 years old and I thought it was the weirdest thing she was saying. She said you should touch on yourself, feel yourself and get to know your body and I was like why are you telling people to touch? This is me, even at 22, thinking that, but also at that time was sexually active. It allowed someone else to touch me in that space, in that area, and I wasn't even I thought it was wrong for me to touch myself, to know myself that way, like this is. This was my understanding.

Speaker 1: 31:58

So now that I'm older and I'm learning more and I'm diving into the holistic health and the sexual health aspect of it, I can't hide anything from God and that is something that, as I have more and more conversations around this, I realized that it is his way for me, of liberating me, of freeing me, especially because you know we good me and God good you know like it allows me to not care and worry what other people are going to say, because that relationship I think they're one in the same, I think, in order for you to both, it's going either way, direction you come, you're going to want to know more about who you are the closer you get to God, and what does that entail?

Speaker 2: 33:03

Right and of course, your sexuality and all parts of your body are part of that.

Speaker 1: 33:09

Yes, yes, 100%. I mean that's holistic health, anette. That's whole Like it's whole, and we can't continue to piecemeal people into what makes them human and what their experience valid Like. There is something real important about these types of conversations, because we are not moving in any direction. Without procreating, you're not going to go forward. Procreating without women, you're not, nope nope.

Speaker 1: 33:58

You're right. You know, as we move forward, we have to say that these types of conversations and protection around who we are have to be. They have to get serious, louder and more frequent. It has to the Roe v Wade overturning a Roe v Wade for a lot of people means a lot of different things and we're not gonna see eye to eye on it, and we understand that. I understand that I'm not trying to convince anyone one way or the other, but what I am saying is that you have a body of people, majority made of men, making decisions about a woman's body. It is a slippery slope and we gotta have conversations in a way that empowers us to talk about it, because when men started experiencing erectile dysfunction, they got all of Congress and everybody to get behind, providing subsidies and all type of research, medication funding and medicine around making sure they able to keep getting a damn hard on.

Speaker 2: 35:26

Yes, they did.

Speaker 1: 35:29

So I'm just saying we learned that's something to learn from, because they made it okay for me not to have. It's not okay for me and not to have a hard on that's not okay. The government got involved with that. So we have to have that conversation in a way too, because that is just as important as them being able to get a hard on.

Speaker 2: 35:54

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, 100%, and it'd be nice to have women making those decisions about women's bodies, rather than men who don't even know that we have. Like, our P-hole is different than our vaginal opening, I mean come on, come on.

Speaker 1: 36:14

Yeah, you don't find that much information on vaginas in a way that talks about anything beyond procreation.

Speaker 2: 36:28

Let me tell you something funny. I did a podcast episode on the truth about sex with small penises and I mean the number of people that watched that men that watched that and then got very angry and said why don't you do the same thing when it comes to vaginas? So I did. I got a doctor on to talk about vaginas, vagina sizes, like I mean very health based. A fraction, a fraction of people have viewed that and taken the time to listen to it and you know I've gone back to every one of those comments and I've posted the link.

Speaker 1: 37:10

you wanted it Learn listen and learn and yeah, yeah, but why do you think that is in that Like there seems to be such shame around a woman talking about her vagina as her vagina, like taking ownership of this show pussy. Yeah, so what you wanna talk about, you know.

Speaker 2: 37:37

Oh, that's not the conversation anybody wants to hear. That's not what they wanna hear. They don't wanna hear a woman like owning, like the truth about her vagina, right, that's. It's like, I think, everything you've been saying.

Speaker 2: 37:50

It's not ladylike Right, and what is the term ladylike is to keep you in place. The idea like, when you think about, when you think about what you've talked about being, you know, a young girl and because of the way your body looked then, instantly being called fast and, you know, shamed, like the idea that let's say, even if you were fast, what does that matter? What does it matter if you are with people Like does having sex with someone diminish your worth? Does it take anything away from you?

Speaker 1: 38:24

Yeah, well, I mean, depending on the men you talk to, because there are men who care about what body count, body count you know there are men who care about that. So, yeah, that matters in that aspect. And then also, you know, when you're talking about the value of you know women and how men view them, like there's an ongoing I think it's an agenda being pushed between black men and black women. In a lot of conversations are negative and divisive between them, and I will say that black men have so much control over how the world sees black women and I say it in a way because you know that that's just been the hierarchy of our society. You know black women, we were the last people to have our rights to vote, the last, and that just means that now black men have to have real come to Jesus conversations with.

Speaker 1: 39:44

You know how they see women and how do they see the women that they are sexually involved with, because they see them differently.

Speaker 1: 39:55

You know they see respect being for their mothers, their sisters and, and you know, the women who raised them, and they see respect being something that, depending on how many women you slept with or what, I don't owe you respect that way not knowing that you may not know that your family might have been a whole Right. You know like your sister might have been. You know like the women who you reverence in your life may have been those same women that you look at and look down on. You know, you don't you that that's that's going to be on. You know your personal choice of what you deal with. But you know black men have to have that conversation, because you know that we've been bitches and holds to black men for a long time. So we have to have that conversation with them in a way that moves us forward of how can we do it better. It is what it is. You know we can't change the past.

Speaker 2: 41:00

Right, Well, before we sign off, so it. I think that the beautiful thing about this conversation is it all comes back to having these conversations and making spaces for people women specifically, black women specifically to have these conversations is how that healing really can start to take place. Right Like yes. It's an it's a kind of an absolute must in order to have that healing take place.

Speaker 1: 41:36

Yeah, I mean, if we look at I don't want to miss quote the statistics but I want to say there's probably three out of every four, three out of five young black girls experienced sexual harassment or assault. It seems it's a right of passage in our community and you know, with that being what it, is that okay? If it is a right of passage, then let's talk about it. Is it? Is it for the whole health of this community? Has it help? How does it affect us? We have to really talk about it in a way that heals us.

Speaker 1: 42:16

And you know, me, me, me doing the kegel crew and having kuchi culture and talking about these things is really for us to have those real deep conversations, because just beyond the, you know, the procreation of the pleasure, there's also the spirit of the human being. That's connected and you know, we got to do better about speaking our true and healing our entire body. We carry, you know, I started taking yoga Women we carry our trauma in our rooms. That's what we carry, you know, and it we birth babies and that canal and what is there. There's so much we got to learn about that space and in world that we have to, you know, step out of the shame, step out of you know those ideas that you know you're going to be looked at one way because you look that that way, regardless.

Speaker 2: 43:31

Right.

Speaker 1: 43:31

You know like you can look at you like that regardless and you don't even have to open your mouth. You know your body says that. You know we talk about. You know the big butts, women and big butts. And now all of a sudden, the Kardashians got big butts and everybody going to get big butts. And then that brings me to Sarah Bartman, who was put on display as part of a circus attraction because her butt was big, you know. So these, these things are real for us and as real as they are, we don't talk about. Talk about them amongst ourselves and amongst the world. Bring these things to the forefront and start holding, holding us accountable to have the conversations. Then you know we're, we're, we're going backwards and we're not, we're not helping future generations doing better than we're doing it.

Speaker 2: 44:29

Right, I agree. Well, I am so thankful that you were willing to come on and have this conversation on my podcast. I want you, at this moment, though, to share. I want to make sure that people can find you in all the places that they need to find you and then that they tune in again Monday for that live stream. So if you can give your handles, tell people where to find you and then when and how to tune into that live stream, that'd be wonderful.

Speaker 1: 45:03

All right, so Sarah is S a, r, a, h, c, a underscore I n c is Sarah. The ink cross all platforms. The new YouTube channel is up, however, the podcast, the two hour special for women's history month, will be on the bottom up podcast and that is on YouTube Again. If you go and follow me on IG on tick tock, I'm putting all of that information up there. So, yeah, connect with me there. Or you can go to my website, the round table projectorg, and all of the information is there as well.

Speaker 2: 45:53

Right and I'm also scroll down and you will find a link to my newsletter down there. I will be sending out all this information for you as well, so you can get it all sorts of ways and make sure that you show up for that conversation, because it's super important, and we have now shared all of the reasons why it's super important for these conversations to happen and for people to be listening all all kinds of people to be listening and learning.

Speaker 1: 46:22

Yeah, I appreciate it. I think this was dope yeah.

Speaker 2: 46:26

Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel like I learned a lot every time I listen to your. You know what you post, the content you create and then through this conversation, I am grateful that you gave me just the ability to see the world a little bit more from a perspective that I don't have and that I need to learn more about.

Speaker 1: 46:55

Well, like I say, I appreciate you for definitely taking on this conversation and giving me a platform to talk about it. Thank you. I'm going to talk more about it, so looking forward to it.

Speaker 2: 47:11

I'm looking forward to following your journey. So, listeners, until next time. Cheers, I'll see you in the locker room.

Speaker 1: 47:24

Ring Loom.