Sexual Confidence: Here's How to Find Yours

What if you could shed your insecurities in bed and unlock the secret to the kind of sexual confidence Brad Pitt displays? Today, we're delivering the keys to more than the Locker Room. Join Locker Room Talk & Shots Host Annette Benedetti as she engages in a captivating conversation with confidence and lifestyle coach, Joe Leavitt. Together, we navigate the intricate labyrinth of building sexual confidence and confront the unique struggles faced by different genders in the bedroom.

How can you harness the power of self-acceptance to bolster confidence? What's the best way to manage those  deep seated negative thoughts that often cloud our minds and derail our access to pleasure? Leavitt brings her expertise to the discussion, offering insightful tips on reframing intimidating activities, focusing on non-judgment, and celebrating your sexual gifts.

This is your guide to building sexual confidence in the bedroom that will, in turn, make you feel like goddess outside of the bedroom! Cheers.
Find out more about coaching with Jo Leavitt at : theconfidentswinger.com

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Transcript

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Building Sexual Confidence

Annette Benedetti 0:41

Do the sex . Hi , this is Annette Benedetti , your hostess for a locker room talk , and shots the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk . You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors , while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex . Think , fun , honest and feminist as fuck , and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy . One orgasm at a time . Welcome to the locker room .

Annette Benedetti 1:22

Today's locker room talk topic is sexual confidence . How do you find yours ? I talk in depth about the fun , sexy stuff and adventurous fucking . I've been doing this for two and a half years and it occurred to me that one thing we've never really spoken in depth about is building your sexual confidence . How do you have the confidence to go to the sex club ? How do you have the confidence to dip your toe in the water of whatever it is , whether it's swinging or BDSM ? And let's get real , how do we even build up enough confidence to be the bad asses in the bedroom that we want to be ? Well , I have an expert in confidence here to talk to you about how you can become more sexually confident . My guest today is Joe Levitch . She is a confidence and lifestyle coach , owner of the confidence swinger LLC , and she has her own podcast , the confident swinger podcast . Joe , will you take a moment to tell my listeners a little bit more about you ?

Jo Leavitt 2:34

Yeah , first of all , I want to say thank you so much . I'm so excited . This is obviously a topic that I'm super passionate about , and so I always love to be able to talk about what I'm passionate about . So so thank you , so excited to be here and thank you so much for having me Again . I'm Joe Levitt . I've been a swinger with my husband for 17 years . We've been together 18 and we've been swinging together for 17 of those , and probably about two years ago I kind of made this big shift from my old life and my old job and I was trying to figure out exactly , like , what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life and with my gifts , and it really led me to coaching and it's been amazing . I love helping people build their confidence . I love helping them transform into , like really the badasses that they already are . They just need to step into their power . So I'm super excited to be here .

Annette Benedetti 3:32

I'm excited to have you . This is such an important conversation to have and so , listeners , I encourage you to stay through to the end of the show . We are going to be giving you tips that you can use , starting tonight , in your bedroom , to become not only more confident , but within that additional confidence , you are going to become a better lover , fucker person in bed partner , all of it .

Annette Benedetti 4:01

It's going to get better for you and let's launch into the conversation . I am we are two hours apart , right , Joe , and I'm still drinking my coffee , but you , lucky motherfucker , have .

Jo Leavitt 4:13

Hell yeah , it's an early afternoon cocktail sort of . I mean , it's a Smirnoff ice , so I don't know if you call that a cocktail or , like you know , my son calls it cheerleader beer .

Annette Benedetti 4:24

I like that cheerleader beer , all right , well , cheers . Let's talk about sex . Yes , I want to start with . In your experience , do you find that one gender , whether it is male , female , trans , non-binary struggles more with confidence than the others ?

Jo Leavitt 4:48

I think everybody struggles with confidence . Sexually . It seems like women tend to struggle a little bit more with their confidence just because they relate sex with physical like , with their physical appearance . It's very for a lot of women it's very tied together and a lot of women struggle with their body image . They struggle with the confidence of feeling like they look good enough , look like they're attractive enough , look like they're ideal enough or whatever , and it's very tied . You know , a guy can really separate more easily , he can kind of turn his brain off when it's time to fuck , you know , and so he can kind of just do it and he doesn't necessarily need to have the confidence , Whereas a woman , it takes a lot more for her to get to the point where it's just physical because she's so much in her own mind most of the time . So in my experience , as far as like just confidence , sexual confidence overall , I think women struggle with it a little bit more . Yeah .

Annette Benedetti 5:51

Yeah , I mean , I think a good example is the entertainment industry , where you see a lot of , especially in the musical world , where there are these male musicians who are in all ways physically , physically , physically , physically Repulsive , but yet they have beautiful women with them . And with women , I mean , there is this higher expectation of this unrealistic physical perfection flat stomach meaning nothing , boobs that are certain size . Our skin is always supposed to be like 20 year old skin , which you know ends at 27 . And the next question I have is do you see a difference in the barriers to sexual confidence with different genders ? For example , are the barriers to sexual confidence that women experience different than those that men experience ? And then , of course , those that trans and non-binary folks might experience ?

Jo Leavitt 7:00

I don't think necessarily the barriers are different . I think confidence is really it's very universal in the sense that it's really how you feel about yourself . So it's its acceptance and it's really you fighting against the negative thoughts that you have in your head , because we are all going to have insecurities , we're all going to have doubts and we are going to have those until the day we die . There's nothing that we can do to eliminate having negative thoughts and having self doubt . So the key to building confidence is really learning how to manage those negative thoughts and learning how to manage the thoughts that you have .

Jo Leavitt 7:37

Confidence really comes with self acceptance , and for men and for women , and for trans and non-binary and for everybody . Really it's very universal in the fact that you have these thoughts in your head , these doubts in your head . What I call your bitchy little brain tells all of this shit to yourself about how you're not good enough , and those stories are pretty universal . Like it may be different from a man to a woman in that , you know , it may cause a man to not be able to get an erection versus a woman not being able to fully engage in the moment , but really the cause of that is those self doubts . So I think the barriers are the same , because it's really just learning how to manage those negative thoughts .

Annette Benedetti 8:27

So are there some common barriers to confidence when working with your clients , the things that they bring to you that they are most insecure about or need to get around , and what would they be ?

Jo Leavitt 8:41

It's definitely like body image issues for the most part . That's probably the biggest one is everybody has this image in their head , that or this idea that they're not attractive enough and that nobody is going to find them attractive enough , and that they equate their value and their self worth with their attractiveness . And on a logical level they may know that's not true , but their brain is going to just continuously tell them that shit and so it just kind of fucks with you , you know . So definitely body image and performance issues , especially for men , but really for everyone . Like you want to make sure that you're a good lover and so you're going to have that narrative in your head that says that you're not good enough as a lover . So that's going to fuck with you as well . Your age , all of those things , and it's different for everybody a little bit , but those , the same topics , keep coming up over and over again and a lot of those have to do with , probably , body image and performance , or probably the two number one .

Annette Benedetti 9:46

I jumped to thinking , yeah , I feel that every time I go to sex club . But if I back up a little bit and I think about the first time I was with a partner , or the 15th and 20th , like well into my 20s just being confident enough to take all my clothes off , you know , in front of my partner and we were talking a little bit before the show about the fact that I know women who are now in their 40s and still don't take their shirts off during sex and it blows my mind like that we would still be in that place . So yeah , I want to dive right into when you are coaching someone who wants to be more confident in their sexual life in any number of situations . Where is your starting point for somebody to begin working on their confidence and taking that journey toward being more sexually confident ?

Jo Leavitt 10:55

Right ? Well , my starting place with anybody , about any topic , is finding out what's important to you and so finding out what your goals are . Because if my goal for me is to feel confident giving a blow job , and your goal for feeling confident is being able to take your shirt off , those are very different things that are going to require different action steps to get there . So the first thing is having a conversation about how that confidence is going to translate into the real world . So I ask , like the magic wand question , you know , and it's like the it's not a Hitachi wand , although it can be right , but if I were to , to wave my magic wand over your sleeping body tonight and you wake up tomorrow morning confident as fuck , what's going to change in your life ? What is going to ? What are those things that you're going to do that you don't feel like you're capable of doing right now ? And so the first step is really finding out what your goals are , really what you want , and then it's figuring out what's stopping you , and that's a lot for the , for most everybody , it's that .

Jo Leavitt 12:08

What's your negative self talk ? What is ? What are those shame gremlins that are coming up ? If you're a Brené Brown fan . I love the whole shame gremlins analogy . It's really what's figuring out what those things are that's stopping you from getting there . Because if you don't know where you're going and you don't know what's stopping you from getting there , then you're really not going to get very far .

Build Confidence in Bedroom and Beyond

Annette Benedetti 12:33

And you said something I think that's so important . You asked how gaining confidence would translate to the real world . Now , you may have been referring to real world in the bedroom , but I have always argued that the reason why I'm passionate about empowering women sexually is that I believe how empowered you are in the bedroom translates to power or an empowerment outside of the bedroom , in your friendships , in your professional life . I believe when you're empowered and confident in the bedroom , you're going to be 10 times more powerful and confident in the boardroom .

Jo Leavitt 14:12

Absolutely for sure , because that confidence it's not , it's not contained to one area of your life and especially sex is very empowering and it's very challenging for you to get there . It takes a lot of vulnerability for you to be able to embrace your desires and really like , own who you are , own those desires , own those wants and be able to go after them . It takes a lot of vulnerability and vulnerability requires strength and that strength is going to translate into confidence . So when you're confident in the bedroom , absolutely that translates into every other part of your world .

Annette Benedetti 14:53

It does . So let's tackle some certain situations . Let's start with what I'm going to imagine the most , one of the most common situations would be a woman . We're going to start with women , because this podcast Well , I'm a woman and you know is a woman sexuality podcast . So let's say , a woman comes to you and they have a partner and they've been having some vanilla sex for whatever length of time they've been together and they want to step up their game and , let's say , the way that they've decided is they want to check out one of the local sex clips . Let's step into that situation first . And she is just like man .

Annette Benedetti 15:38

I fantasize about it . I think it could be fun . I know that no , there's no pressure to have sex , but I'm like it's so stressed out about how I'm going to compare it to other women and what if I walk in there and I feel like a dumpy little ? You know frumpy housewife and there's all of these women and you know tight , hot clothes and I just can't bring myself to do it ? I want to have the confidence to be a little more adventurous . What would you , what ? What kind of things would you suggest and tools would you give her ?

Jo Leavitt 16:13

So , first of all , one of the things that I found that works really great with with everyone is really kind of trying to take out the pressure of what it is that you want by reframing the activity into sort of like an experiment . And there's no winner lose . And an experiment because you're just there and you're gathering data and you're figuring out what's going to work , what you like , what the benefits are . You're just sort of fact finding right and there's not a lot of pressure in that . So instead of building it up in your mind like you're just going to have to do this and it has to be either win or lose , like I either have to go and have a great time and feel great about myself or it's going to be a failure , picture it or visualize it more like an experiment .

Jo Leavitt 17:01

We're going to go , we're going to test this out , we're going to just see what is going to be and do it with curiosity , with non judgment . That's really the main focus of that first event is we're doing this totally with curiosity and totally non judgmentally . I'm not judging myself , I'm not judging the experience . I'm just looking at the data and seeing what happens and then when you get back you can sort of filter all of those things and say , okay , well , I liked this , this was how I felt . This was not how I felt I you know I was surprised about this or that , but it a lot of people put a lot of pressure on themselves and they they create these expectations of what it needs to be . And if you kind of takes a step back from the situation instead of putting so much pressure on yourself and you just look at it like an experiment and you're going into it with curiosity , then you're not winning or losing and you're going to be like All right .

Annette Benedetti 18:01

so it takes the pressure off . So she , she says All right , all right , coach , I'm just going to go . And she goes and is in her head the whole time and and comparing herself to other women . And meanwhile , let's say she's with a man . He's because he's a mediocre white dude who has a lot more confidence than he should and he's like swimming in beautiful women and she is a realistic woman who's like oh I , you know whatever . I was intimidated , it was exciting , but I couldn't get into the excitement and I kept thinking to myself if I could just get into it more , this would be really fun , but I can't . What do I do now , coach ?

Jo Leavitt 18:48

Okay . So first of all , I definitely recommend , like , before you go , do what makes you feel confident , what makes you feel sexy , and there's no expectations for that . If you are not going to feel sexy in the little black dress , then don't wear the little black dress . If you are more confident and feel sexier in this cute little lacy top , then rock that top . Whatever makes you feel good , makes you feel confident about yourself . That's where your that's where your starting point is , because you already have confidence in yourself in some areas . So you already have that . So build on that first of all .

Jo Leavitt 19:25

And the thing is , when we get in our heads and it happens all of the time it's because we all have these thoughts and we all have these emotions all the time that run through our heads and we get very fused with those thoughts , right . So it's like it's like you can have the thought I'm fat and that thought can affect your emotions and your emotions are going to affect your actions in your actions are going to affect your outcome . It's because you're very fused with that thought . That means that you're all tied up with it and it's having power over you , right where the thought that wall is blue . It's still a thought , it's still going on in your head , but it's not a thought that you're fused with , right , it's not something that has power over you , it doesn't have control over you and it's not going to affect how you feel about yourself . So the thing and it's it's it's a process and it definitely takes a lot of practice and a lot of intentional consistency . But the process that I walk my clients through is to recognize the one thought that you're going to have over and over and over . The one thing that you really feel like is holding you back through that that event , through that process , is when that thought comes up and it's going to come up a lot .

Jo Leavitt 20:45

To take a , take a breath , take a moment and try to recenter . Instead of saying I'm freaking the fuck out , you say I'm having the thought that I'm freaking the fuck out , because it helps you distance yourself from that thought and it helps you recognize that just because you're having that thought doesn't mean that you have to act on that , it doesn't mean that you have to let that thought control you and it allows you just usually enough space that you can re , re , center and sort of move in another direction . So if you're having that that moment , and you realize and and the thought that's in your head is that these other women are way fucking hotter than me and I'm not having a good time . So you say , okay , I'm going to take a step back . The thought that I'm having right now is that these other women are more attractive than me .

Jo Leavitt 22:24

That may or may not be true , it may just be something in my head , but I need to get away from that thought right now . So I'm going to go get a drink , or I'm going to go to the restroom , or I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going to just try to focus on it , what I can do , what is in my control right now , and do something that's going to make me happy and enjoy myself . So if that means reconnecting with my partner , then I'm going to do that . If that means going out and dancing , because that's something that I enjoy , then I'm going to do that . So the key really is like recognizing those things that are going on in your head and stopping them and then re-centering into something that is going to give you a positive result .

Annette Benedetti 23:10

So it sounds like the practice is interrupting the negative thought and identifying it as a negative thought and not inherently true , and resetting at a place that you do feel better at or more confident at , and then moving forward .

Annette Benedetti 23:31

So it's not an immediate fix , it's a practice that you start and it sounds to me like something you could use all throughout your days in your life , right so that when you get to these specific situations you've already practiced it at home .

Annette Benedetti 23:48

Like I think about it , that very specific thought that you brought up it must be very you must hear it very commonly , because definitely all throughout my life , whether I was at a party or at a bar or at the park or at a swimming pool , I've definitely had that thought been conditioned to you from a very young age . I'm not as attractive as these other women in their bikinis around me , I'm not having a good time because I feel ugly , I want to leave , and I don't do that as much anymore . It's much more rare for me now because I have learned to say that's what I'm having and it's not true , and then to find within myself like what I feel really good about with myself , like I know , this part of my personality shines . I know when I do this it shines , so I'm going to like put that in front of me , and now I feel better .

Jo Leavitt 24:51

Absolutely . And you brought up another great point and that's another really great tool to use when you're in that situation , when you're all up in your head or you're having a negative moment and you notice that you're starting to spiral , is to stop and focus on gratitude . I am grateful for this moment . I am grateful for the partner that I have . I'm grateful for the fact that my tits look great in this top . I'm grateful for my smile . I'm grateful for all of the things that , right then in that moment , are bringing you joy and bringing you happiness . It's going to help stop that negative spiral , because nothing is going to bring you more positivity than focusing on gratitude .

Annette Benedetti 25:38

Right , that makes sense . Also , I would like to point out and I'd like to hear your thoughts on this I feel like when women , any woman steps back a little bit and looks at sex , sexual situations , sexual opportunities , women do really run the show in a lot of ways . And one thing that I think about a lot , because I'm a queer woman and let me tell you something when I'm finally getting an opportunity to go out with a woman because I'm going to tell and I think queer women will agree with me , especially bi women like getting to go on a date with a man is far easier , like way easier

Building Confidence and Self-Awareness

Annette Benedetti 26:21

than getting to go on a date with a woman . I mean it could take me months , maybe a year , to find a woman to go . It's so fucking hard .

Annette Benedetti 26:29

And so when I'm finally there and the pussy is in my face , I have so much gratitude . I'm like man , I appreciate this . So I have to assume men feel similarly , and so when I am in a sexual situation where I get into a spiral , I'm like man . These motherfuckers are like lucky men and women that I'm here and that there's potential for them and I kind of hold on . I do . Why I hold on to that thought . I just take my like experiential reality and then I'm like but I'm also a woman with a pussy and all these people of all genders are lucky to have an opportunity .

Jo Leavitt 27:10

Yeah , absolutely . Like there's so much potential for pleasure right With a pussy . I'm a bi woman as well , so I so appreciate the pussy and you are right , Like it is very easy to go get a guy . Guys are easy . Guys are easy . Women are definitely more challenging and if you think about it like that which I love it's like you valuing pussy in general helps you recognize the power of your own pussy . Yeah , and so that's definitely one of those ways that you can focus on gratitude in that moment and that it can help you when you need to stop and say I have gifts , I have amazing gifts and you should be honored that I'm sharing these gifts with you .

Annette Benedetti 28:00

So when you say a good starting point is people really understanding what their gifts are like and knowing what they are like deep , and when I say I say knowing , and then I say knowing because I would say throughout my life , when I was less a less confident woman and I feel like I'm at right now at the peak of the confidence I've had in my life so far , I would say people are lucky to have me and I've got a lot of good stuff going on . But and I would say it like I knew it , but I just didn't really know it on the inside and I think it's been this I've done a lot of work around really finding out what my gifts are and feeling confident in them , and and so when I say to people I know what I bring to the table , I'm not fucking around , right , like I really fucking know , right , right . But I think that it's how do people ? How do people do that ? How do they figure out what their gifts are and then like , know what they are .

Jo Leavitt 29:04

Well , really like there are definitely different . I call them , like the cornerstones of confidence , and one of the main cornerstones of confidence is knowing who you are . You can't know what your gifts are if you don't know who you are . And that means knowing who you are , not necessarily just as a wife or as a partner , or as a mom or as a sister or as a daughter or all of those roles that you play , but just who you are without with all of that stuff stripped away , who you are in your unis . And that takes time and it takes reflection and it takes you asking yourself hard questions .

Jo Leavitt 29:45

It's interesting to me that a lot of times you feel like you know you're with yourself 24 , seven , your entire life , and so you feel like you know yourself .

Jo Leavitt 29:56

But you really there are so many holes there . There are so many things that you don't really know about yourself because you've never asked , you've taken it for granted , you take your unis for granted . So one of the things that I also like to encourage my clients to do is to really like ask themselves questions . Ask themselves those questions like you would like you would to a potential partner , like what is your favorite color , what is your favorite meal , what is your favorite ? You know your ideal date , your ideal vacation and you may think that you know on a very general level , but when you actually like , dig into it and then when you start asking yourself that one question , and then you ask yourself , well , why , why is it that ? What makes , what makes that my favorite ? What do I enjoy about that ? And you take it to a deeper level . It gives you this deeper knowledge about yourself and you can't have confidence in yourself and tell you know who you are and what you want and why .

Annette Benedetti 31:01

It takes a lot of self awareness , wouldn't you say ? And self awareness is a journey in and of itself , a bit of a journey .

Jo Leavitt 31:12

It absolutely is and it really .

Jo Leavitt 31:15

I love encouraging people to start that in the bedroom because so many women don't .

Jo Leavitt 31:21

You know it's very we've been raised to feel like you know you're not supposed to touch yourself , it's dirty , it's not ladylike , it's not , it's not the right thing to do , right , and so so many women just have that thought in their head . So they don't even know their own bodies , they don't know what they want , they don't know what turns them on , they don't know they can't have the sexual confidence because they don't know themselves in that realm . So it definitely a great place to start to get that sexual confidence in the bedroom is to start fucking getting to know yourself , getting to know your body , touching yourself everywhere and finding out what feels good to you , what doesn't feel good to you , why , what , what you like , what you don't like , what you're interested in , and then trying it out . Confidence is an action before it's a feeling . It is a fucking action before it is a feeling . So if you want to wake up confident tomorrow , that means that you've got to take some fucking action today to get there .

Annette Benedetti 32:27

Can you go back to the ? I think you said cornerstones of confidence . Can you tell me what ?

Jo Leavitt 32:33

those are . So I am doing like a group coaching program right now and it's about like the cornerstones of confidence , and so it is know what you want . Know what's important to you , so that's one . Know what's holding you back . Know who you are and that's kind of what we talked about with , like you figuring out what works for you and you know who you are . Know how to think , because again , that's really important to understand , like your thoughts and how to manage those . Know how to act and know your value .

Annette Benedetti 33:12

I'd like to talk about know how to think and know how to act . What did those two specifically mean ?

Jo Leavitt 33:19

Yeah , absolutely , and I love this because , like , thought management is so important to your emotional health and it's definitely something that's not readily taught . So it's recognizing what your thoughts are and recognizing that you don't have to believe them . Really , your thoughts are just words and stories that your brain is telling you . And your brain is designed to protect you from pain , to protect you from harm . That is its first and foremost job and it is much more concerned about keeping you from pain than it is from keeping you in happiness . So it's recognizing that the thoughts that you have are going to be innately negative for the most part .

Jo Leavitt 34:03

That's just biologically the way our brains work and to recognize that it's just your brain trying to protect you .

Jo Leavitt 34:10

So when those thoughts come up , it's like knowing the thought that you have that I'm fat , is your brain telling you your fat , nobody is going to want you , because that thought is going to keep you from putting yourself in a situation where you could get rejected . So your brain is really that like super trying to be helpful but is really an asshole friend , that like tries to give you this advice that it thinks is right but it's wrong . So it's recognizing what those thoughts are , recognizing how to manage yourself when those thoughts come up and learning having some different tricks that you can redirect your thoughts and you can stop them and you can kind of put them in their place . You're not ever going to stop them . You're never going to stop those thoughts . It's impossible to stop the thoughts that you have , but you can definitely manage how you respond to them and that's the cornerstone . To know how to think is really like know how to manage the thoughts that you have so you can redirect the negative ones into positive ones and you can focus on those .

Annette Benedetti 35:23

Redirecting the negative thoughts into positive thoughts and identifying them as negative first . I mean , I guess the first step is being able to go . I'm having this thought , I'm hearing the voice in my head and I'm going to separate it from reality and figure out how to redirect it . That makes sense to me .

Jo Leavitt 35:43

So there's sort of three steps that go along with that . It's noticing it , naming it and neutralizing it . So you first have to notice the thought that you're having , which is very challenging because a lot of the thoughts that we have on an everyday basis run under our consciousness . So it takes a lot of mindfulness and it takes a lot of intentional looking and searching for you to actually recognize the thoughts that you're having . So the first step is like noticing what those thoughts are , and then the second one is naming them . So not only are you noticing that you're having a thought , but you're naming what that thought is . So this kind of goes along with that . You know , oh , there's a thought , I'm having the thought that I'm bad or I'm not good enough or whatever it is . And then that third is neutralizing it , and that's where you're really taking the power away from that negative thought so that it doesn't make you feel shitty about yourself .

Jo Leavitt 36:37

So I will give you some of the little tricks that some of my clients use . One of them and what works best is for you to find something that is or what I've found works . The best for most of my clients is to find something that's very amusing to you in sort of like a lighthearted kind of way that always kind of makes you chuckle in . So it works really well if it's like a cartoon character or if it's a song or if it's some or some other sort of like character that you can visualize , and then you visualize that thought coming from that character .

Jo Leavitt 37:22

So , for instance , one of my clients uses Cartman from South Park . So when he has the thought that says I'm not good enough , he takes that thought and he makes it come out of Cartman . So now it's Cartman going you're not good enough , you're not . And it's funny and it's hard to take that thought seriously and it helps you . It just gives you that enough space for you to make a decision about what you want to do with that thought and for you to recognize that you have control over what you want to do with that thought . Because what happens when we get inside our heads all the time and we're overthinking is we don't take the time to stop thinking , we don't take the time to step back from that situation and take a breath and recognize what's important and what we want to do in that moment .

Annette Benedetti 38:14

I love that . So the thought then starts coming from , instead of yourself , something or someone else , and that you can push away . That makes sense . Yeah , that's brilliant . What about the next one , which is know how to act ?

Jo Leavitt 38:32

Yeah , so really , that is , you recognizing in that moment the actions that are going to be towards moves and the actions that are going to be away moves . So you're at every moment you're sort of at this choice point , right . So you're at this pivotal moment and at that moment you have the decision to make to take an action that's going to either take you towards the life that you want or it's going to take you away from the life you want . So it's either going to be a towards move

Taking Action Towards Your Desires

Jo Leavitt 39:03

or it's going to be , in a way , move . So , for instance , if you're at that party and you've decided before you've gone , kind of what your goals are , what you want out of that experience , and you're in this moment and you're saying I'm at this point where I can either go in this room and watch these people fucking , or I can go because I'm scared and that's scary , that's vulnerable , I'm not sure if I'm ready for that point yet or I can go make myself a drink , right , or I can go retreat , or I can go have a cigarette , or whatever it is that you are doing to run away from that , that thing that you really want .

Jo Leavitt 39:49

So you're at that pivotal moment and know how to act means that you are deciding which one of those actions is going to be a towards move , which one of those actions is going to take you towards the life that you want , and then taking that action . And it doesn't have to be a major step . It could be a tiny little step towards the thing that you want . Goals are not achieved in leaps and bounds . They're achieved tiny little steps at a time .

Annette Benedetti 40:19

I definitely dipped my toe in the water before I jumped all of the way in with sexual experimentation and adventures and then eventually talking about sex publicly right and then taking those little steps towards that and starting small , then calling it a win and going and like regathering myself and then coming back at it for sure .

Jo Leavitt 40:47

Absolutely . So it's wonderful to recognize the things that you want and then set up these tiny little steps to get you there . So if that means if you are afraid to take your shirt off , in front of your husband , even , or your partner , whatever that situation is how can you create little steps to get you there ? So you're starting from A not taking your shirt off at all to Z . Your finish line is feeling comfortable taking your shirt off .

Jo Leavitt 41:19

So maybe your first step is taking your shirt off and looking at yourself in the mirror , and for five seconds , and then it's for ten seconds , and then it's for thirty seconds , and celebrating the winds Each step of the way , because you are taking action towards the things that you want and that is very fucking empowering . But you need to celebrate that . You need to appreciate the fact that you are Winning . You are taking those steps , you are doing the action , you are doing the thing . You are not just sitting there hoping that it's gonna happen for you . It is very , very empowering for you to create those action steps and then take those steps and celebrate those wins along the way , because you can build on that momentum . But you can't build on that momentum if you don't appreciate the winds along the way .

Annette Benedetti 42:12

Right , I love that you start with something simple to like taking your shirt off in the bedroom with your partner , and then you can look at how doing that in that situation can be translated to going to the sex club . So for a sex club , you just go in and hang out at the club part , which usually is Like a normal bar . You might see a set of boobs , but no one's you know overtly fucking , or it tends to be off in the corners . And then the next time you go you're like , hey , maybe I'm gonna go To the this room and watch for a few minutes . And the next time you're like , maybe my partner and I will attempt having Sex there in one of the private rooms and then maybe we'll do it in the semi private room .

Annette Benedetti 42:57

There are those steps that you go to . How would this translate ? Because I know that you're You're really experienced in things like the swing or lifestyle , so you have I mean , this is for maybe a lot of people listening more extreme to them even than the sex club Talking about joining another couple or inviting a third person in for a threesome . What are tips you'd give to people who are now at that level ? They want to try a threesome .

Jo Leavitt 44:26

Yeah , so absolutely like that's the thing is , like you're always gonna have fear . So it's learning to manage that fear , like learning how to take action despite having that fear , and Really part of it is like looking at the worst case scenario and making Like , legitimately , before you get yourself into that situation . Okay , so let's picture ourselves in this situation . Is worst case scenario as we walk up to this couple and we say we , first of all ? Typically you're not gonna just randomly walk up to a couple that you don't even know and say , hey , would you like to go play with us ? Typically it doesn't happen that way , first of all , but we're imagining this right now .

Jo Leavitt 45:13

So , worst case scenario you walk up to a couple and you say you're very attracted , we're very attracted to you . Would you like to go play ? Worst case scenario is that they're gonna say no , we're not interested . How is that gonna change your life ? Is that gonna Ruin your marriage ? Is that gonna make you homeless or jobless or you know ? Is that gonna Cause a tornado to come through your neighborhood ? No , like nothing is going to change in your life if that doesn't happen . So you just worked through worst case scenario of you taking that action and worst case scenario is that you let it make you feel bad . That's it . Worst case scenario is you let it make you feel bad . So if you've let it make you feel bad , then that means that you have the power to not let it make you feel bad . So worst case scenario like that's really one of those good that , those things that you can keep it in perspective is what's the worst thing that could happen here if they're not interested .

Annette Benedetti 46:17

What if and I imagine this is true a lot of worst case scenarios and I'm gonna assume for women and probably men too . I have a vaginas , so I can only speak for myself and the fear is , oh , I'm gonna invite this other woman into bed with me and my man and then he's going to fall in love with her and leave me .

Jo Leavitt 46:43

And honestly like it's a calculated risk that you're taking .

Jo Leavitt 46:49

But here's the thing is , he could just as easily fall in love with somebody that he met at the grocery store or somebody that he met at the office .

Jo Leavitt 46:56

So are you gonna tell him not to go to work anymore because there's a chance that he might meet somebody and fall in love with them . Like you , it's really important , if you're going to swing , for you guys to be confident and secure in your relationship first , like first and foremost , you need to be secure in your relationship and , yes , we're all gonna have those insecurities and we're all gonna have those doubts , and that's definitely a fear that a lot of people have . But that's something that needs to be addressed before you start , and that means that you need to have clear conversations and clear boundaries about what happens if somebody starts to catch feelings and you have to be honest with each other about that and you have to trust that they're going to share that with you . If it happens , and if that is a big enough fear that it's going to stop you , then you shouldn't be swinging like that's a decision that you've made as well and that's fine . It's definitely not going to be a big deal , right ? So maybe in a way that's a different conversation .

Annette Benedetti 47:56

Confidence , that when it comes to being confident in being adventurous , you first have to be confident in your relationship before you even look at being adventurous in ways that include other people , because if you're not confident in your relationship then that's a hard stop . But prior to that , I think it sounds to me like , from what you've said , the the most important thing

Building Confidence in Relationships and Sexuality

Annette Benedetti 48:27

is to be confident in yourself and what you bring to the table and really know that bit correct ?

Jo Leavitt 48:36

Absolutely . It's to recognize the fact that if you get rejected because that's the big fear that a lot of people have is , I don't want to get rejected , and granted , that's a very innate fear that everybody has . Right , that's part of our biology as well . But recognizing the fact that everybody is going to be attracted to something else and it doesn't make you not attractive if somebody isn't sexually attracted to you in this moment . So for me , for instance , I am very much more attracted to women than I am attracted to men , and the times that I find myself sexually attracted to men are few and far between , and it has very , very little to do with what they look like . It just comes when I have this vibe , this chemistry with them , and I can't force it , I can't predict it . It's either there or it's not there , and it has nothing to do or has very little to do with how they look . So if a man that's at 10 approaches me and is like , hey , I'm super attracted to you , I'd really like to play with you , me rejecting him doesn't have to do with him , it has to do with me . It has to do with the fact that it's just very , very difficult for me to find that vibe with that person . So that rejection or that acceptance that somebody else wants to play with you or doesn't want to play with you has way more to do with that other person than it has to do with you . And so recognizing that is huge and that comes with knowing your worth .

Jo Leavitt 50:15

Like you said , it's like I have a lot to bring at a table . I am attractive in these ways and I'm interesting in these ways . My physical appearance is the least interesting thing about me . I bring a lot to the table in a lot of other ways and if that doesn't vibe with somebody else and they are not attracted to me , that's okay , that's just on them . That means that it wasn't a good fit . It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with them and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me . It just means it's not a good fit . When you recognize that and you can keep that in perspective , it helps you be able to feel confident in being able to put yourself out there and approach other people , because you recognize that if they're not attracted to you , it's not a reflection of you , it's just not a good fit .

Annette Benedetti 51:06

Right . So attraction is a vibe , people , it's not all about the looks , it is a vibe . Attraction is a vibe . It's sort of intangible . You can't put it in a box , and getting rejected is not a big deal . I remember just being so afraid of it when I was younger and now I'm like oh man , you totally missed out . Yeah .

Jo Leavitt 51:30

And even keeping it in the perspective is like maybe I dodged a bullet . If you're not attracted to me , then the sex is not going to be very fucking good , and so I'm glad that you said no to me instead of putting me in a situation that wouldn't have been enjoyable , and it also stops me from meeting somebody else that it would be amazing with .

Annette Benedetti 51:51

Right . I've definitely never not linked up with somebody that I regretted . When it doesn't happen , I always look back and I'm like thank fucking God that didn't work out . Always it's weird because I do always end up with the right person . But I want you to leave my listeners with some takeaway tips for building confidence tonight , like as we wrap this up and they're heading home on their drive home from work or even starting their day and looking at what can I do today . So by tonight I maybe can take a little step towards sexual confidence . What are your top tips before we wrap this up ?

Jo Leavitt 52:30

Okay . So , like I said , confidence is an action before it's a feeling . So take some little actions to get you to where you want to be and then celebrate those actions , celebrate those wins . So even take those little baby steps to get you to where you're going to feel confident . Recognize when you're talking shitty to yourself and then stop that . So I want you to focus on treating yourself kind of treating yourself kindly . Self-compassion is a huge component of confidence . So recognize if you're being hard on yourself or if you're being overly critical . Recognize that and choose to treat yourself with kindness instead .

Jo Leavitt 53:14

Focus on gratitude . Focus on being grateful that you want to be more confident and focus on the fact that you are taking steps to achieve those goals . Don't compare yourself to anybody else . Compare yourself to yourself earlier on your journey and focus on gratitude . Gratitude is a huge thing that's going to make you feel positive about yourself and about your situation . It's challenging , but it really makes such a huge difference in your life . So gratitude for yourself and your body and your sexuality that's a great place to start .

Annette Benedetti 53:54

I love that . Thank you for those tips . And so for people who've listened to this podcast and they're , like I , might be able to use a little confidence coaching , or they want to find you just to get more information tips dip their toe in the Swinger lifestyle . How can they find you ?

Jo Leavitt 54:14

So I have , like you said , I have a podcast called the Confidence Swinger and it's really more about confidence than it is about swinging . A lot of Swinger based podcasts are really like sex capades and things like that . This is really more like that personal development . It's really got a lot to do with confidence building and there's a ton of tips on every single episode . So that's a really great place to start is to go check out the podcast . It's called the Confidence Swinger podcast and it's available on pretty much all of the platforms , and you can go check out my website . It is wwwtheconfidencewingercom . The podcast is also available there and there's information about how to work with me .

Jo Leavitt 54:58

There's some great freebies . There's Body Language 101 and there's a free three day confidence course that you can take as well . A few blogs I haven't really dug a whole lot into the blog side yet but and there's a fun little quiz on there as well . If you're a Swinger , it's like what kind of a Swinger are you ? It's always kind of a fun little quiz to take , but yeah , that's where you can find me .

Annette Benedetti 55:24

And , of course , you can scroll down to the notes in this podcast and I will have all of the links there . You guys know where to find me Head over to Instagram , facebook , sheeksplorerslife and Locker Room Talk and Shots . You are welcome to join me on my personal Instagram . It is being Benedetti . Also head over to TikTok . I am there , I'm at the Locker Room Talk podcast and I'm threading . I don't know what the fuck I'm doing , but I'm doing it because I would love to see Twitter crash and burn , so I'm doing my part . Join me there . Thank you so much for joining me . Joe and listeners , thank you so much for joining us and I will see you in the locker room Cheers Ring Loop . Click it .