Making Love Vs. Having Sex: the Difference Explained

Making Love Vs. Having Sex: The Difference Explained
This episode addressed the truth behind the difference between Making Love and Having Sex.  Listeners will be able to make the distinction by the end and know why it's important and how to ensure you and your partners are on the same page.  The following are some of the topics we address in this episode:

• Making love as a kink
• Which intimate acts take place when making love.
• Can you have a one-night stand and make love?
• Can one person make love while the other is just having sex?
• Can having sex be meaningful like making love?
• What distinguishes the difference in the connection?
• What role does safety play?
• What it takes to make love.
• What it takes to have sex.
• Which is better?
•  Why do you need to know the difference?
• What role does culture play?
• How does each affect mental health?

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:26

Do the sex? Hi, this is Annette Finnadetti, your hostess for a locker room talk and chocks, the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk. You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors, while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex. Think, fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One female orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room. Today's locker room talk and chats topic is the difference between having sex and making love. Are you currently fucking or making the sweet, sweet love to your partner, partners, people in your life? I don't know. I'm guessing you don't know and that's why you're listening to this podcast, but we should be able to together figure it out by the end of this show. And it's not just you and me, listener, I have my bestie with me.

Speaker 1: 1:45

Abby, who is here to talk to us about the difference between having sex and making love, and look, we are going to go through this topic blow by blow, if you will. We are really going to dial in the difference. I spent some time today going through videos of other people trying to differentiate between having sex and making love and I felt like none of them did the job quite well enough, and I feel confident that Abby and I are going to get you the answer you really need. We're going to dial it in. So, abby, will you remind my listeners who you are, what you're all about and maybe some of the past podcasts you've been in?

Speaker 2: 2:28

Well, yeah, I don't know what I'm all about. I'm Abby.

Speaker 1: 2:35

My best friend.

Speaker 2: 2:35

Your best friend, that's what she's all about. And I don't know. I think OG Locker Room and Talks, Talk and Shots podcast.

Speaker 1: 2:49

OG Locker Room Talk and Shots guests Participant. There we go.

Speaker 2: 2:53

And I'm just here to talk about the most enjoyable fun topics that we all love to talk about. So that's my purpose.

Speaker 1: 3:05

That's our purpose and I feel like together we are really good at working shit out about sex and love in life, your best.

Speaker 1: 3:12

Yeah, so we are drinking coffee. But before I move forward, if you are not yet listening to this podcast on my YouTube channel, I need you to head on over to Annette Benedetti on YouTube and join us there. There the community is growing and I'm getting a lot of questions from listeners, and so I am going to start answering questions that are posted to my YouTube videos, and I'm going to be doing that only on YouTube, only on YouTube, answering those questions in little short vignettes, if you will. If you're going to need to head over there and subscribe to my YouTube channel so that you can sort of hear the extended conversation on some of, if not all, of, these topics. So please go join me there and let's get to know each other in person virtually better.

Speaker 1: 4:10

But for now, let's raise our glasses. I'm having an afternoon coffee water for Abby Cheers. Let's talk about sex, abby, let's just dive into it. Just asking the question off the top of your head what is the first thing you would say if someone asked you what's the difference between having sex and making love? Intention, intention. Can you explain what that means?

Speaker 2: 4:37

I don't think that there's specific acts that are more fucking or more making love than others. I think it's really just like a connectedness, which, interestingly, is a thread that I like to bring in all of these conversations that we have. But yeah, I think it's an intention with you and whomever you're with, because you know, honestly, making love can be a kink.

Speaker 1: 5:07

We're going to come back to that. Let's put a pin in that making love is a kink.

Speaker 2: 5:13

Sure.

Speaker 1: 5:14

Yeah right.

Speaker 1: 5:15

Anything can be. Yeah, anything can be a kink, including making love. I just want to say I love that you said right off the bat it's not about the act, because almost every video on this topic that I listened to an article I read made it seem like the difference is somewhat in the act. They would say, well, having sex is when you just get to it and start start screwing right, and making love is more like when you're talking about stuff and you're being gentle and all of those things people imagine as making love. I'm saying you can be making love and really just like ramming it in, even a quickie can be making love. I think 100%. I think the difference is in the connection you have with that person.

Speaker 1: 6:10

Mm-hmm yeah, totally. Let's say, you have a one night stand and you meet someone and you spend all night talking and then you're like I really wanna fuck you, like you're an incredible person, we're really connected. Tonight let's go home and I may only see you once, but I wanna do this thing. I think that that can be like. Sometimes you just meet someone and you're vibing and you're really connecting on whatever level it is, even if you haven't had the chance to find out that really they're an asshole or someone you not want to bang ongoing.

Speaker 1: 6:41

But in that moment, for whatever reason, the two of you see something beautiful, authentic and real in one and other that connects you and you're vibing on that level and you go and you have sex and it turns into making love because you are connected and loving something in that other person. At that moment I think we can love little pieces of each other. We can fall in love with parts of each other. Sometimes we assume that's the whole and that that's how we end up in unhealthy relationships. But in those moments of being connected and feeling loving towards something you see and someone else, that's, and you bring sex into it. That's how you're making love.

Speaker 2: 7:22

No, Well, I think that can be true for sure.

Speaker 2: 7:27

I also think that one party can be making love and the other can be fucking.

Speaker 2: 7:34

I mean an example that comes to mind, and I would love to hear what your listeners have to say to this, because that's what makes this, these conversations, fun.

Speaker 2: 7:44

But imagine we all know that the girlfriend experience is one of the most popular sort of requests from people who are seeking escort services. Right and theoretically, if the escort is having sex and not just providing the experience of going on a date or whatever, theoretically the person that's buying that service could experience that sex session as love making, whereas the escort's having a totally different experience, which is true potentially always for the escort. Right, and I think also too, just in a normal relationship, like one partner might be fucking and the other partner might be experiencing it as love making, and like we can get down to the nitty gritty about what that means. But I think, traditionally speaking, we all kind of have a sense of what the difference is in our minds. So connectedness, romanticism maybe, is more associated with making love, and I don't think it's true or more true if both partners are on the same page at the same time.

Speaker 1: 9:01

Right, Right, I think. Going back to the topic of sex workers, I always say if you wanna have a threesome and you know in your own relationship don't feel secure enough to just meet someone and bring them in because you're worried about them falling in love, then you hire a sex worker because you know that they have boundaries. And I would argue, if you use the same sex worker over and over again, inevitably that sex worker is going to start caring about you on some In some way yeah. Absolutely, but they understand the boundaries.

Speaker 2: 9:43

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:45

And so that's where we start to draw the line between making love and having sex. Now can sex be caring and meaningful in its own right? Can banging, can fucking, have its own meaning and connection?

Speaker 2: 10:01

I mean, I think fucking should always be caring right, I agree.

Speaker 1: 10:09

I agree, but I don't think it's not Everyone feels that way. When people are like I just wanna fuck tonight and then they objectify the other person and use their body without understanding that that body is connected to-.

Speaker 1: 10:21

To a human being A human being who's going to have a feeling about something one way or the other. I think whether you're fucking, having casual sex or making love, it should always be in your mind that you're doing that with another human who has feelings and consent, and making sure they're okay after care before care should be part of that right.

Speaker 1: 10:42

I agree. A key question to is this having sex or making love is what makes making love the connection, what makes the connection of making love different from the connection of banging or fucking, which you can do all three with someone you're in love with right Totally.

Speaker 2: 11:06

I think, particularly in long-term partnerships, whether you're non-monogamous or not, you know, fucking can be a means to an end, and it doesn't mean that there's an absence of caring but you're just gonna have maintenance sex sometimes, you know, or just human sex is how I like to think about it. It's just, this is part of being a human I need to eat, I need to have sex, I need to sleep, and a lot of people feel like that waters it down, maybe people that are more in alignment with, like traditional heteronormativity or romanticism. So yeah, there's a means to an end, but I think there's also, maybe on the opposite end of the spectrum, something that most people might identify as more of a making love kind of experience. I think it's a little bit more intentional. You know, you're kind of tapping into all the senses. You're, you know, being generous and you're also opening yourself up to receiving and you're being present.

Speaker 2: 12:17

Vulnerable, vulnerable vulnerable, for sure, and you're taking time, you know, I think, although, again, like somebody else might say, that is like the perfect fuckfest for me. You know, connected in alignment, like all of this is very dependent on the person and their needs and wants, right, but I think, generally speaking, that's maybe how I might distinguish the two.

Speaker 1: 12:47

Yeah, so it's interesting to bring up that. For each individual, what looks like making love can look very different depending on perception, preference, how they experience love, how we each think about the fact that we have different love languages, right, so what love looks like when we are interacting with someone who's gonna look different with different people based on who they are? But even within that, I was thinking about relationships recently a lot and especially longer term ongoing relationships where you've already established, you know, that you love this person. Abby, I think, like you and I, even though we aren't sexually active together, we are very much have love between us. But even being in love with someone, having love with someone that fluctuates at what level you're feeling it, at what level you're wanting to express it or capable of expressing it.

Speaker 1: 13:54

So there are times again where you're both just in the same really deep, deeply connected, passionate place with each other, where all of the things that create walls between the deepest kind of connection just they can dissolve, for whatever reason. The moment is right, you're in the right place. Maybe the stressors of life have gone, maybe whatever arguments lay between you have been resolved for the moment and you are able to really be present, be vulnerable, be honest and connect body, mind and soul. However you decide to do that, whether it's slow, you know slow making a love, or it's like kinky spanking that you know builds up to some like nipple clamps and you know, a butt plug and getting, you know, nailed at the same time those two things I've had experiences in those two places where I've felt I was making love, in both situations, because it was so connected and there was so much communication and there was so much pleasure and there was so much like transparency between us. There was just nothing. There's not performativity.

Speaker 1: 15:16

No.

Speaker 2: 15:17

Not that you aren't bringing performance into it, but potentially.

Speaker 1: 15:21

I performed well, sure.

Speaker 2: 15:23

But you're not. You're allowing yourself to also experience pleasure and I think a lot of women in particular, you know, are sort of socialized to perform during sex, and especially in your younger years, when you're sort of just starting to have sex, you're just kind of performing or mirroring.

Speaker 1: 15:46

You're not making love, you're not making.

Speaker 2: 15:48

Yeah, you're mirroring what you see in the movies and what you maybe understand from porn potentially, and so it's not a really like spiritual, like aligned experience. Until later on, maybe you feel that safety and connectedness with somebody, like you're talking about Safety.

Speaker 1: 16:08

I'm so glad you brought that up. I think that's a key piece to making love I, you cannot make love, I dare someone to argue with me you cannot make love to someone if you are not feeling safe and you're not feeling secure. And I'm not talking about just physical safety, I am talking about emotional safety, I'm talking about mental safety, I'm talking about like the whole thing. And I think that is one of the biggest signifier in relationships when you know that there's trouble right when you're like I'm not making love to you anymore, because usually there's a deterioration in the relationship where a safety starts to go away. I don't feel safe that you're still going to be here with me, you're gonna stay with me, you're gonna love me, that I can be my authentic self and you're still going to accept me. That's a loss of safety and security. And boy does that make the love making impossible.

Speaker 2: 17:55

Yeah, I would agree with that wholeheartedly.

Speaker 1: 17:57

So so far, let's sum up some of the things that need to be present in order to make love versus having sex.

Speaker 2: 18:08

Trust, trust and safety, which go hand in hand. Security and safety, yeah, which allows you to then be vulnerable, kind of be authentic in your pleasure.

Speaker 1: 18:22

Connectedness meaning not only are you in all those places, but you two are both able to then come together and like, connect. And I'm not talking just on a physical level that's a great part of it but on this more energetic, spiritual, if you will level right.

Speaker 2: 18:40

I think also generosity too, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Absolutely, because making love is wanting both people Mutuality, Mutuality, reciprocity most, and both people are getting pleasure out of it. It's not just a receiver and a performer Right, absolutely Communication, open communication has to be present.

Speaker 2: 19:05

Negotiation. Negotiation yeah, I love all these T-I-O-N words.

Speaker 1: 19:11

Yeah, yeah, those half-sions, you know all of those have to be present. And then there's a sprinkle of magic, which is chemistry, and the whatever pheromones are like firing off right. So then there is having sex. Now you may be thinking to yourself well, all these things have to be present in order to have sex. No, they do not. You can have sex, and decent sex, and sex where you orgasm, and sex and not feel truly secure with a person, like knowing very well that, hey, maybe tomorrow we won't be a thing anymore. Or when your relationship is on the rocks or whatever. You can still have orgasmic, you know, fun sex with somebody. But I'm saying you cannot make love if security isn't there. You have to have great sex, but there's going to be sort of a layer that's gonna block all of the things necessary for making love, right, yeah, and it's not about the act, it's about all of this other stuff.

Speaker 2: 20:17

Like and also, too, I wouldn't. I don't think that we necessarily think that making love is superior to fucking Like. Sometimes, if you just want to fuck like, Making love isn't gonna hit it. You know the sweet spot, and vice versa. So depends on where you are in your life or any given moment, right?

Speaker 1: 20:45

Yeah, cause, like I don't know, I feel like fucking can be making love like making fucking love. So maybe I'm confusing myself now because I like it all. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 20:59

Well, this is why it's such a good conversation because you can fuck your way to making love Like you could fuck someone. I've had this experience where I fucked someone like definitely it was fucking and having sex and fucking some fun fucking. And then I was suddenly like, oh my God, I think this is gonna be love. Yeah, yeah, I mean not that I made love at that moment.

Speaker 2: 21:23

Did that maintain itself afterwards?

Speaker 1: 21:26

Yeah, we eventually made love, for sure, oh yeah. So I fucked myself into making love. I fucked myself into making love. God don't necessarily do that. That may not be the best route to love, or maybe it is Whatever.

Speaker 1: 21:45

Yeah, I don't know, it's sex guys it's sex. But I do think here's let's talk about why it's important to know if you're having sex or making love. I think the number one reason why you should be listening to this podcast right now is because people get themselves into trouble so often, like all of the time, Because one person is having sex and the other person is making love, thinking they're making love to someone and they are not, because the other person is just having sex.

Speaker 2: 22:21

And so or they are thinking that the other person is also making love, having sex.

Speaker 1: 22:26

Oh yes, it's always the case. It's always the case One person's making love and they are confident the other person is, or they are confident that by making love to the other person, the other person will make love back to them. And I don't want to place this on any gender, but I do think, especially in the heteronormative world, that these experiences very often are women making love to a man who's just having sex. This is very common in the heteronormative world and the dude is like it's consensual and we're having great sex and she's cool and this was fun and it felt good and they get done. And then she's like now we're, we did the love thing.

Speaker 1: 23:13

And then the next morning there's this disconnect about the experience. She's expecting post to make love and he's like in post having good sex place and feelings get hurt. Well, fillers get hurt. Yeah, that's bad. It's a bad place to be. It is a bad place. I've been on both ends of the deal where I've been like, oh only I was making love. That's weird. Now I need to go look in my little wounds, right. And then I've been on the side of it where I've been like, oh, they thought we made love. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this now.

Speaker 2: 23:54

But you know, I think you're an asshole if you come to that conclusion and then don't respond carefully, thoughtfully.

Speaker 1: 24:02

That's when it's a problem. Yeah, just look at me and be like I was not making love to you, or run. That's brutal. I'm joking. That was a bad joke, all right, so let's move on. I think this is an interesting concept. Do you think that making love versus having sex, this distinction looks different in different cultures or is influenced by cultural backgrounds?

Speaker 2: 24:37

Sure, I can't speak to like international cultural differences or ethnic cultural differences, but I can speak to American sub-cultural differences and I would say, yes, I mean something that I'm very familiar with is evangelical mindsets and belief systems, and I would say that you're encouraged to only make love or to define sex as only love, and that's honestly kind of even like pretty liberal-minded within that Framework to have sex for pleasure at all as opposed to just simply procreation.

Speaker 2: 25:23

So, yeah, I think that I mean one piece of it is just that, like number one, it's totally heterosexual. Number two, the man in that dynamic needs to be the pursuer. And number three, that there's not really an experience of agency for the woman. It's sort of like a passive experience which I think most of us are all very familiar with this and, yeah, like the woman falls deeper in love as a result. The man is just doing the man thing by getting his rocks off and it's a gift given to humanity by God. Right, I would say the popular culture probably has bits and pieces of that, just because it's so infused in American culture.

Speaker 1: 26:25

But yeah, yeah, I would say in some cultures that just having sex is considered like an act of love and ownership. And again, I can't speak to this either, but I think it's something worth. It's food for thought. It's food for thought to recognize that what in mainstream America may be taken as making love or versus having sex is going to look different in different areas of the world.

Speaker 1: 26:58

For sure, let's say, you're someone who only seeks casual sex and the minute things head into the realm of love, like, let's say, this is where we can tie in the podcast we did on attachment styles, someone who is heavily an avoidant attachment person, who really like the minute kind of the deep connection happens, pulls back and runs. So they may just prefer to stay in the sex realm of sex right and primarily focus on casual sex or sex that doesn't require a lot of vulnerability or opening up and being honest with another person and deeply connecting. My question is this is ongoing, long-term solely engaging in sex for sex sake and not love making. Do you think it's detrimental to psychological wellbeing or can have a negative effect on mental health?

Speaker 2: 28:11

Probably, but I think it also protects someone's mental health too, because you have to remember that somebody I mean, I'm not an expert on attachment styles, I'm a social worker and I know a lot about attachment, but I'm a generalist. So just warning sign there. But I would say that people develop attachment styles as sort of a way to co-open with a difficult upbringing right, and then they bring that into their later attachment relationships, so romantic relationships, whatever, and so in many ways, like if somebody is not ready to go there, it can be protective for them.

Speaker 2: 28:53

So I mean that is one way to kind of understand and recognize it. But yeah, I think, long-term you are going to miss out potentially on a deeper knowing of yourself and a deeper knowing of trust and relationship within the context of a relationship, and maybe miss out on, yeah, some really beautiful experiences.

Speaker 1: 30:13

So the flip side of that, because I think this is also a reality, where people, especially who have been brought up in the purity culture or in sort of conventional modes of looking at sex and love and marriage and all of that and I know I have known women who are like they only want to have sex if they are making love, if it looks like. Whatever they think making love looks like, what are the detrimental side effects of, while being in a relationship, only being open to that kind of sex? Because I would argue that there are some. I'm curious what you think.

Speaker 2: 30:54

I don't know. That's a hard one for me because, based on the way that we're choosing to define the difference for the purpose of this podcast, I think that potentially that could be a really healthy thing. It might be detrimental if the partner really struggles to always provide that level of engagement, which is totally fair, right. Sometimes lovemaking can take a lot of time. It requires a lot of emotional capacity and giving in. You know, again, the way that we've chosen to define it for this podcast. So, yeah, I think maybe it could lead to some avoidance, maybe on the partner side, and maybe even for the woman that you're describing. She doesn't get her needs met often because of that. So, maybe in a dynamic where both partners are able to do that and they always have the capacity, great. But maybe in dynamics where it's not 50-50 in that way.

Speaker 1: 32:07

Well, let's be clear. I mean automatically. We came to assuming which I think is pretty, and also because I did say, born out of traditionalism that it would be a woman that would want this. But this could happen. In queer relationships this could happen. There are some men who I have met, men who really feel strongly about lovemaking. From my point of view, I think it could be detrimental because it holds women in a mind frame of anything outside of something that looks like the romanticized version of making love is shameful and it holds them in that place of shame and not being able to also just sometimes let the body do its thing and enjoy its thing with another person in more of a free-spirited, shame-free way, like I think someone in that mind frame would have a hard time taking it up the ass and considering it making love right, which absolutely anal sex, could be part of deep, passionate lovemaking.

Speaker 2: 33:11

For sure. So you're speaking just to the taboo nature of certain sex acts.

Speaker 1: 33:16

Well, yeah, Well, what I'm saying is, I think that people who get tied to the idea of really needing to always have it be a lovemaking session, or people who start to feel bad when it's not more often in their mind lovemaking versus sex Oftentimes it's tied to shame and taboo, the taboo nature of sex, and thinking that sex isn't good if it's not like rose petals on the bed and champagne and like hours of touching and you know as expected.

Speaker 2: 33:51

Yeah, I hear that and I agree.

Speaker 2: 33:53

I think was Esther Perrell that said that. What kind of aligns with sort of that adventurous side of humans? And aren't you know we have that, that need of the adventure? And then the secure right, security and adventure, autonomy and dependence or inner dependence. I think she was talking about how the reason why people kind of have affairs sometimes is because their need for adventure is not really met. And affairs are one of the most taboo things and kinks tend to be very taboo and that's why people enjoy them. So I think like yeah to your point. If, like a woman, for this example in a heterosexual relationship, is sort of pigeonholing herself and she just love making to get off, or in all of her sexual experiences because she feels like that's what's okay, then yeah, there's like bumpers on the proverbial bullying lane, does that?

Speaker 2: 35:00

work, I don't know, watered over that.

Speaker 1: 35:04

I don't know.

Speaker 2: 35:07

But, yeah, like she's not able to to like lean into some of the taboo like things, the adventure, yeah, like explore them, because she's worried about what that might mean about who she is.

Speaker 1: 35:24

I think I've found, even for myself, as open as I am and as much work as I've done, I have still found that struggle between, if I'm in a especially a more of a monogamish looking relationship, I have found that things can get dicey because I like adventure.

Speaker 1: 35:43

Guys like no, no, shit, right, I like adventure, I like to go to the sex club, I like to have three sims, I like to like mix it up with more than just one person, even when I'm in a partnership, and I have definitely struggled to find for myself the right kind of relationship where I've got that adventurous partner but we also have security within our connection just with one and other, where we have that romanticism and making love and connectedness and we can still like do the adventurous part.

Speaker 1: 36:24

I find that it's really hard to steer that line between what usually in my experience it's been the other person who, who I start to feel like will shame the situation. I tend to be more adventurous than my partners in the past. In the past and I'll feel ashamed if I'm enjoying the sex and the fucking and the adventurous part that doesn't really include making love I wouldn't say more than the love making, but at a higher rate, like some people are like, oh, that's okay if we do that twice a year. And I'm like twice a year, like I want adventure more than twice a year with my partner, right, and so I find that then I'll start to feel shameful about, oh, should I, should I be wanting the making love more and only like sprinkle this in like once a year or twice?

Speaker 1: 37:19

a year yeah which shouldn't be the case, right, because none of it's shameful, it's just finding the right, you know connection.

Speaker 2: 37:26

And also to have, like your partner was, like we can only go on vacation twice a year. Oh God, Would you just be like I mean not taking into consideration, like any financial constraints, but you know what I mean like you can only have an adventure twice a year, Right? So yeah, when you look at it in that terms, it's kind of unreasonable.

Speaker 1: 37:46

No.

Speaker 2: 37:48

Oh, that is a great analogy.

Speaker 1: 37:50

That's a great, a great fucking analogy, a fucking analogy, a great fucking analogy. For sure, and it's true. I mean you got to keep things spicy in life, especially if you want a long term relationship.

Speaker 2: 38:05

But there's seasons to it, too right, and every partnership or partnerships are different. And the experts say it's a negotiation, right. Like it's not about always having this perfect balance of adventure and security, it's being able to ride the wave.

Speaker 1: 38:28

Next question I want to make sure we hit this before the end of this podcast. I want to talk about sex versus making love. Now, we all know that with orgasms and with non-orgasmic intimacy and sex, the body releases a whole bunch of feel good chemicals. Right, it's like it's healthy for you. Sex, intimacy, connection, touch, merely touching, certainly skin on skin, is super healthy for you. You get the oxytocin, you get the chemicals, the good good chemicals in your body. Doses of those. Do you think that they are different? Like you, you may like having sex versus me making love. My automatic thought would be well, in having sex, just casual sex, maybe you get less of that because you're not fully relaxing, right. Whereas in making love, there is this relaxing into the other, there is just this wash of euphoria because you're, you're, there's love mixed with touching, mixed with excitement, whereas during sex, casual sex, perhaps you aren't able to let go as much and and enjoy Doxy-tose.

Speaker 2: 39:51

Well, I guess I think I don't know that's a good hypothesis and I would be interested to learn more you should apply for a PhD program. That being said, I kind of think that it's not true that we can't let go during casual sex.

Speaker 2: 40:08

I think it's easier to let go during casual sex Right, and that sometimes can be the problem if you're someone who's seeking to be able to let go in a romantic relationship Right, like if you're with somebody for so long. I mean, here's a great example. Has anybody ever heard that sort of cliche where musicians have an easier time playing to hundreds of thousands of people as opposed to five close friends? It's because there's intimacy there. You know a connection, a sense of what their opinions are, and you give a shit about what they think. You don't give a shit generally about what a casual person thinks, and so it's easier to let go and to transgress and get your knees met. So my hypothesis would be that you probably release all the same chemicals, but is it as rewarding ultimately, ultimately?

Speaker 1: 41:14

Oh God, you know. So I'm going to share personal experiences and where I notice the difference between the two. And I think you're right. It's interesting because, also, casual sex can be a little bit more dangerous and exciting. So you're going to get more of the what is the fucking word for dopamine? Well, yeah, when you get dopamine, you're going to get more of the dopamine. You're going to get more of the adrenaline. You're going to get more adrenaline, I think. And more casual sex, because it's a little more risky, it's a little more like new person, like you know, it's fun and on some level, it's also like it's really fun.

Speaker 2: 41:51

And if it goes south, like I haven't even given them my last name Not that I've ever done that, but you can stay protected, and you can't stay protected from somebody who you have a connection with yeah, unless you're willing to break it off because you're so terrified. And that's where the best rom-coms come in.

Speaker 1: 42:09

That's true, that's where the movies come in. But where I've noticed maybe the difference in the little feel good chemicals is this it's more in the area of if I'm having casual sex with somebody and I'm not emotionally connected to them and they stay the night or want me to stay the night, and then, you know, I'm spending the night with them and I feel like when it's somebody I'm in love with, I feel more, I will get more of a rush just from like holding each other. Like I'll actually feel sort of the like release. If it's somebody that I am not and this could even happen with somebody I end up falling in love with. But if it's someone who I don't have that like in love place of trust and security already, then I can be a little more tense through the night. Like I won't get that like fucking, I'm holding you and suddenly your body's just got this wash of relaxation.

Speaker 1: 43:18

But when it comes to the actual sex, you know, I think I definitely feel I can feel myself good if the sex is good. If the sex is good on both ends, I feel like I get, I get a lot of benefit. So so let's sum it up, guys I think we've we've covered a lot here and hopefully at this point because I feel like through this conversation I'm really clear on what sex quote fucking, being whatever you want to call it versus making love is. Is it the actual act, meaning whether it's oral sex or but sex or kinky time up, you know, spank me for an hour sex or just sweet, sweet, rocking and making love? Is that what defines sex or making love?

Speaker 2: 44:07

And just whatever your kink is Right.

Speaker 1: 44:09

No, the answer to that is no. If this were a quiz, no, it's not what you're doing Right, we got that cleared up. No, you can do all of those things. So you feel both in making love and having sex. I mean, it's some something of how you feel, but we're talking about. Making love requires more. It requires walls to come down, it requires security to be there in the moment, even if it's a one night thing, you have to have this moment of utter security, like I'm safe in this moment for whatever crazy reason. I feel it with a person. Right, transparency, all of those things that we named and sometimes trust. Sometimes it's just an act of God. You meet someone, you take them home and it happens, sprinkling the chemistry.

Speaker 2: 45:08

Well, let's hope that you're not sleeping with people. You don't have chemistry with People, do that?

Speaker 1: 45:13

though People do that, people feel obligated all of the time.

Speaker 2: 45:16

Well, yes, also we hope that they would stop doing that.

Speaker 1: 45:20

Yeah, absolutely. So. It's really in that connection and having all of those things come down.

Speaker 2: 45:29

And can one?

Speaker 1: 45:30

person make love. Well, the other person is just having sex. Yes, so if you don't know for sure what's happening, you need to ask, like if you, if that's a problem for you.

Speaker 1: 45:41

Right, if you're going to wake up the next day and like be like I think I made love to you and then see in their eye that they did not make love to you, and that's what their eyes look like. Their eyes look like, hey, high five, cool, maybe it will happen again sometime and you're like I'm going to have your fucking children. You know, I'm getting ready to like go outside and like build that white picket fence for us and they're just like I don't even like white picket fences. I have a girlfriend at home. I got to get back to you, know what I mean?

Speaker 1: 46:12

Like if it's going to hurt your feeling it's going to make you feel bad the minute you feel like you're about to make love and if you aren't sure, the other person's ass say, hey, before I let the walls down and we start making the sweet, sweet love. Is that what we're doing? Because if not, I'm going to reel it in and we're going to bang and it's going to be wonderful, but I'll probably also still feel a little sad after All. Right, any last comments on the difference between Now, this is a great conversation.

Speaker 2: 46:47

I can't wait to hear what people think.

Speaker 1: 46:50

And also don't be an asshole who pretends to make love to get what you want out of the other person, because that's shitty and people do do that. That's not cool If you're concerned about being a good person. My listeners are all concerned. I'm confident. You know, I mean you never know, never know, never know. Yeah, no, I want to hear your thoughts. Did we miss something?

Speaker 2: 47:19

Probably yeah, tell, correct us.

Speaker 1: 47:23

Correct us. We love feedback. Do you have questions for us on our perspective? Share a story with me. Head over to YouTube and leave me a little comment. I look at every last comment Just so you know I read them all and I will respond. And I will respond with videos. Call it an act of love. That's an act of love making.

Speaker 2: 47:51

Oh no, we're not there yet, yeah there you go.

Speaker 1: 47:55

I'll heart you. I'll heart you, kind of like a little love making.

Speaker 2: 48:01

Happy Valentine's Day, listeners Happy.

Speaker 1: 48:03

Valentine's Day, go out there and fuck bang, make sweet, sweet love. If you are there with somebody, join me on masturbation Monday and just make sweet, sweet love to yourself. Yeah, you can do that too. Happy Valentine's Day, guys, and I guess until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers, bye.